Say "I want to be on you" with queer cupcakes!

Whether you hate Valentine’s Day because your coupled friends are shoving it in your face or because you are crumbling under the pressure of making the day perfect for your significant other, let’s all take a deep breath and take this a little less seriously.

Comedian, performer and author Tania Katan is here to relieve your Valentine’s Day blues with a rousing game of “Who Would You Rather: Famous Lesbian Edition.” I bet you all these girls are hotter than the ex that dumped you last week and stole your cat on her way out.

This is what you want to happen at the end of the night

It’s Valentine’s Day…again. As I get older, my feelings on the holiday get less intense. However, Valentine’s Day is possibly the most polarizing holiday out there. Is it a ploy by Hallmark to get couples to spend money? Is it really “singles awareness day” in disguise, sent to make you feel like crap because you aren’t in a relationship? OR, the more likely scenario if you are a gay lady, you just have no idea what to get your partner, you’ve waited till the last minute and you’re in trouble. Well don’t worry girls; I’ve got you covered with sexy suggestions for the perfect gift for your girl.

The “We Just Started Dating” Almost Relationship

So you two have been on two or three dates and with some bad timing, now Valentine’s Day is coming up. You don’t want to be clingy or act over anxious, chances are one or both of you are still seeing other people or just don’t know if you like each other yet. Basically, the key here is to be sweet without being desperate. It’s a hard line to walk. Here are some suggestions:

One smells sweet, 12 smells like desperation

1) A single rose: The single rose tells a girl, “I would really really like to have sex with you one day and maybe even love you” without it being overkill. Do not go for more than one rose, you will look desperate.

2) A teeny tiny teddy…bear! Girls love cute n’ cuddly. Preferably, get one that has a lil heart or is all decked out for v-day so you don’t need a card or anything that accompanies it.

3) Chocolate: Yay girls love chocolate! You can go the traditional heart shaped box route or be creative! If you know she loves kitkats more than life itself, get her a kitkat bouquet. Know she loves the purple m&ms the best? Go to Dylan’s Candy Bar (or if you don’t live in NYC, the mall I guess. Or like, move here) and get her a huge bag.

Chocolate? Yes, please!

Depending on how connected you feel to the girl, you can get her more than one of the above suggestions. But remember, don’t try TOO HARD. This is just the first one and if it works out, you will have to top it next year. Don’t make it too hard for yourself to top next year…or make yourself look like you want to U-haul with her.

The “New” Relationship

It’s been between 3 months and a year, so it’s your first Valentine’s Day together and you need it to be special. Like, you really can’t mess this up. So you are going to need to pull out some stops. Let’s drive right in:

1) Flowers at Work: Have flowers delivered to her workplace. STAT. This is how you warm your girl up for later and get her warm n; fuzzy feelings flowing towards you.

2) Fancy Dinner: You can go out or you can cook it for her, but this needs to happen. Now, let’s get into the optional part of the V-day program.

3) Jewelry: Don’t get all fancy with the jewelry. Get her something low key and tasteful, if you are going to do it. You might want to check out her favorite website or a store she shops at a lot to get an idea of what she might want. Set a price limit so you don’t break your bank, this is more about the thought than impressing her with your spending power.

4) Lingerie: Ah Lingerie, there are many schools of thought about this. Basically, you know if this is something your girl would like or not. It’s the kind of thing that many women love, but consider it too frivolous to buy, so it makes for a perfect present. It also helps your girl feel hot and sexy and reminds her of how much you love her body, no matter what her insecurities are.

If she feels sexy, that will lead to sexy times

5) Think outside the box: Does your girl love sports? Get her a new mitt/ball/racket or stick. Does she love concerts? Get her some tickets to something fun and unusual. Collect bugs? Get her some new equipment. You get the point. Yes, these are also good presents for her birthday, but if she’s not your traditional V-day type of girl, you need to consider going down this route.

6) Puppy Love: Does she have a beloved pet? Get the pet a V-day themed toy. Sucking up to a girl’s pet will totally score you points.

The “Old & Married” Relationship

You’ve been together forever you have both pulled out all the traditional V-day stops over the years. And now you are sitting on the couch together, wondering what the hell to do this year and whether or not you need to waste money on this holiday. SPOILER ALERT: Yeah you probably do.

1) Eat in: Stay at home, light a few candles and eat together at a table. Shut that TV off! The best gift you can give your partner is actively listening to her. She will appreciate that more than another stuffed animal she needs to add to her list of things to dust.

2) Get a Room: Getting away from your usual surroundings can also lessen the pressures of the everyday. Get a room for yourself and your girl somewhere local. Order room service and put on fluffy white robes. She will reward you for taking her on a mini-getaway from real life with a great night. Plus: no one has to do dishes! It’s a win-win.

3) Massage Oil: Give your lady a massage and show her that she is still the princess she was when you first met.

4) Chocolate Body Paint: A little cliché, but it’s a great way to have your chocolate and umm…eat it too. This way you two can eat chocolate and get in a lil workout at the same time.

Delicious and hot!

5) Jewelry: This is when you break out the semi-precious stones. I recommend saving diamonds for birthdays and anniversaries. But a ruby or an emerald sounds awfully nice for V-day and will def get you laid.

6) Tickets to do Something, ANYTHING: Studies have shown that people get more enjoyment out of money when they spend on activities, as opposed to material objects. Also, after so long together, you need to get out of the house once awhile. Get her tickets to a comedy club, a hot air balloon ride, an art show, a play, a concert. Show her that you want to spend time with her in the bedroom and out of it.

Now go get her! Good lick girls! Oops I mean, good luck.

Image via www.tartecosmetics.com

It’s Superbowl Sunday and TV is all in repeats, but it’s on and poppin’ at Hot Femme! Let’s keep girly weekend going. I’m clueless when it comes to blush. My previous attempts at blush have ended with me looking like an extra on Dallas. But, I found one ladies!

I’m in love with Tarte cheek stain, ‘tipsy’ is the color that looks the best on me. I try to keep my make-up subtle and ‘tipsy’ adds a subtle flush without making it look like I pile on my make-up every morning. It’s also incredibly easy to apply, just swipe right under the apples of your cheeks and up your cheekbone. Use your fingertips to blend up and voila, you’re all done.

Tarte cheek stains are also alcohol and oil free. It’s also a great choice for queer women because the company is pretty socially conscious. I know what you’re thinking “queer women aren’t more into saving the world than any other group of women! That’s a stereotype. Okay, we have a whole cruise line dedicated to LBQ women who want to go on cruises and save the world. Straight people don’t have that. Just sayin’

Do you have extra vacation days? Me too! Let's save the world and drink heavily! It's the lesbian way.

Tarte doesn’t test their products on animals, they use recycled casing materials and they are totally trying to save rainforests and junk.

What’s your fav blush? Share in the comments!

I have a confession, I have short eyelashes. I can’t go a day without beauty companies promising me that their mascara will give me the long, voluminous lashes of my dreams. Yeah, it’s not happening without photoshop.

There are so many choices; do you want the doll look? Crazy colors? Curling? Waterproof? Non-clumping? Do you want a comb mascara brush or a curved bristle brush? I don’t offing know, to be honest. The long standing staple of mascara has been Maybelline Great Lash mascara. The pink bottle, the green top, you can’t go wrong with a classic.

I used to layer Victoria Secret’s mascara with Maybelline Great Lash to give me the illusion of lashes. Buuut I just switched to Sephora Fiberwig mascara and I kind of like it.

Image via www.ehow.com

It’s pricey at 24$ a tube, but it’s worth it for a one swipe experience in the morning. I really only recommend it if your like me and your lashes need an extra (extra) boost. If you have naturally long lashes, skip the Fiberwig, it’s harder to get off and more expensive.

My cousin, who’s lashes always look great, layers TooFaced Lashgasm with Neutrogena Healthy Volume. For that special mix of boutique and drugstore brands, which is a good way to get great lashes without breaking your bank.

What kind of mascara do you use? Do you have any tips?

Women, alllllways with the foosball

I don’t know if many of you frequent the LGBT friendly adult shop, Babeland. But, they recently announced that their Brooklyn location will now be delivering! I’m pretty sure this is the first time an erotic store ever decided to deliver their goods This is great news, especially for lesbians. Ermmm…you can draw your own conclusions why.

Anywho, in celebration of this momentous event. I’ve decided to share my sad tale of a night without a happy ending.

A long time ago in Brooklyn, way before Hot Femme was married, she lived in a tiny apartment at the edge of Park Slope. One night, she went on a date with a lady friend who decided she wanted to see the inside of Hot Femme’s…apartment. The only problem was…there was no protection at Hot Femme’s apartment! No dams, no gloves. So what are two hot young dykes to do? The girls went to three drug stores and one sex  store (who will remain nameless) and came up empty. So they got some ice cream and went to sleep instead.

The. End.

Condoms are sold everywhere, constantly, they probably sell them at Disneyland. But gloves and dams are much harder to come by. Guess who sells them? Babeland! Now no one has to pass on surprise sex because they don’t have gloves ready and waiting. Do you guys hear that? That’s the sound of safe girl-on-girl action in BK.

Let's get a little bit naughty

All this talk of merkins around here is making me hungry! Oh wait, no it’s not. It’s making me think of downstairs’ hairstyles. I was chatting with a pretty 26 year old blond queer chick who told me that she used to get a brazilian, but now that she’s older, she leaves a strip.

Which led me to wonder, Sex and the City style, does leaving a strip make you seem more grown up then going all bare?

There are a few reasons why women wax, some of us do it for ourselves and others do it for their partners. I do it because I’m too lazy to shave or trim or whatever. I go in once every two months, get a completely bare brazilian and proceed to forget about any type of upkeep until I have to go back in. (That’s what she said)  Upon further introspection, I guess that is kind of immature. But it’s also a reflection of a busy lifestyle. My brazilian says that I have places to go and things to do and I can’t be bothered with trimming!

Ahem.

Anywho, I’ve also been thinking about other ‘hairstyles’ and what this says about the women who rock them.

Landing Strip: You’re a career oriented woman and you have your ish together. You know exactly where your clit is and you’re willing to endure the pain it takes to point your partner directly to that spot. I like the way you get down to business, girl.

What do YOU think is going on in there?

Bikini Wax: You’re a traditional and practical gal. This style is the least amount of pain while still keeping you neat and tidy when it’s beach season. Let’s start a book club together.

Shapes/Vajazzling: You love your boyfriend. ZOMG you love him so much and you can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes you got his initials waxed onto your vaj! P.s. Happy 19th birthday.

Shaving: You dislike pain and don’t see the point of spending money on waxing. You host a lot of potlucks, which is a great way to meet more women.

Au Natural: You enjoy free love and possibly the smell of patchouli. If you invite me to your spring harvest celebration, I’ll go. I promise.

…So…if you’re brave enough, tell me how you like your hair down there or how you prefer your girl to wear it, in the comments!

This is the least disgusting example I could find

Do you know what a merkin is? If you watched The L Word you do…remember that journalist or book reviewer who hated Jenny and then Jenny put her dog to sleep and dated her girlfriend or something? I don’t remember. To make a long story short- a merkin is a wig for your vag. Like if you don’t have any hair on it. Sooo there’s that.

I wasn’t clear on the point of a merkin until recently. I thought perhaps it was for practical reasons, like if your vag is cold or something. No one wants that part of their body to freeze off. It’s pretty important. But apparently the function of a merkin is decorative. Former Real Housewives of New York co-star Cindy Barshop owns a hair removal business that also provides vagazzling services. As the name implies, vajazzling is bedazzling for your vagina.

Vajazzling is something I can understand. I like sparkles and I like beaver. So put them together and great! Although it seems like rubbing on a body part that has rhinestones glued to it would irritate one’s skin…or tear it off, depending on the body part.

Let's save the scissoring for your next art project

…ouchies.

Interspecies hair is so hot right now

Anywho, the patrons of Cindy Barshop’s salon can now get the human hair waxed off their vag and have dyed pink fox hair or feathers glued onto their skin for the low, low price of 100 dollars! That’s an extra hundred on top of what you already paid to get waxed. Now you can get your animal cruelty fix while you actively throw your hard earned money down a rathole. I believe that’s what Oprah calls ‘multi-tasking.’ There’s a reason 20-something straight women are the demographic group most likely to file for bankruptcy. Because it’s not enough for them to get waxed anymore, not they also have to pay to add hair back ON once they take it off.

Next time anyone says that I’m ‘too pretty too be a lesbian’ or asks me ‘why do lesbians dress like men?’ I’m totally going to say “at least we don’t glue neon pink fox fur onto our vaginas!” and then storm off. Probably leaving a confused straight person in my wake.

Seriously, straight women, if you are reading this, just say no to merkins.

*This post is completely satire and not meant to offend any straight women. We all know the majority of women would never go for a product like this, and it’s ridiculous that anyone would consider marketing this to any woman, anywhere.

Welcome back to Ask the Femme, you’re one stop shop for queer loooooove advice. This week, we explore the problem of having a girlfriend who just isn’t into bisexuals.

Dear Femme,

I hope you can help because I’m at the end of my rope with my girlfriend. We have been together for 7 months and she is always picking at me for being bisexual. She says mean things like “I bet you think he’s hot,” whenever a reasonably attractive man walks by. I haven’t even been with a man in years and I’ve never cheated on her! We can’t even watch Grey’s Anatomy together because she say’s that I will go and sleep with a man and get pregnant and make her raise the baby!

When I tell her that she’s bothering me, she says that my being bisexual bothers her, so we are even. I don’t get it because she knew I was bisexual when we met. If she hated the idea of it so much then why did she even ask me out? What the heck am I supposed to do?

-Bi-furcated

Hi Bi,

Wow. Your girlfriend sounds like a real peach. If I was you, I would probably ditch her for someone who is less bi-phobic. More and more women are labeling themselves as sexually fluid, so it isn’t too hard to find someone who is more understanding of the nuances of your sexuality.

But, if you want to save this relationship and it sounds like you do, you need to understand that she is very insecure and that’s where this mean spiritedness is coming from. Maybe she didn’t realize just how jealous and insecure she would get when you two first started dating and now that things are serious, she’s terrified of losing you.

You need to sit her down and tell her you want to talk about the bi issue seriously, without the childish “we are even” argument. Seriously, that makes no sense! Tell her what you told me, that she knew who you were when you met her and that as your partner, you want her to accept all your parts. Tell her you know that being with a bisexual can be scary, because it seems like bisexuals have more opportunities to cheat or could have a slight gender preference. Ease her fears by telling her you don’t prefer one sex over the other and that you would never cheat on a romantic partner, especially not her. Add that her bi-phobia is pushing you away and making you feel rejected and unhappy. Those feelings are more likely to make you end the relationship than a hot guy walking down the street, so you need her to stop rejecting one of your core traits.

Good luck, Bi! Let me know what happens.

Have a question for me? Send me a Facebook message at www.facebook.com/natasiarose

I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do.