Misdirected Feminism at the Smoothie Shop

Women make 77 cents to every dollar a man makes?! F U!

I’m an unabashed feminist. I will walk up to the most woman-hating, misogynist in the world and look in his eye and tell him to eff off because I’m a feminist. The only problem is um…maybe sometimes I’m way to excited to tell that guy to eff off. Most women, even among the most progressive, have stopped using the term “feminist” because it brings to mind, unfairly, someone unattractive who hates men. Using that term almost gives people a free pass to write you off. But I’m not scared to be that person. As I said before, I’m too eager to be that person. So, to make a stupid story short let’s get into it. I walk into my favorite smoothie shop.

This is what I look like on my way to get my smoothie. It's a pretty exciting part of my day.

When I get there, I get in line and notice that there are a few new additions to the menu. My eye stops on the new “MEGA MUSCLE XXL BULK-UP TIMES*” smoothie that screams “JUST FOR MEN!” in the description. All of a sudden, I’m so angry I’m blind. My internal monologue starts sputtering righteous indignation:

WHY DON’T THEY HAVE ONE FOR WOMEN?!

WOULD THEY EVEN LET ME ORDER A SMOOTHIE FOR A MAN?! I SHOULD JUST WALK UP AND DEMAND IT! I DON’T CARE IF THEY SAY I CAN’T DRINK IT BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN. WHAT IF I WAS TRANS IN ANY WAY?! FTM OR MTF, I DON’T CARE WOULD THEY LET ME ORDER IT THEN? THAT’S WHAT I’LL TELL THEM IF THEY DARE QUESTION ME!

With a plan in mind, I calm down enough to regain my sight. I glance back at the menu and see that they offer one smoothie just for men and two just for women.

Oops.

Sorry Everyone! No misogyny here! Keep movin!

 

*Names of smoothies have been changes to protect the innocent, non-discriminatory chain store.

Ask the Femme: Why are Women Using me for Sex?

Nice boobs...do you want to give me your number? This may or may not be a great start to the romantic relationship you want.

Do you feel like women are just using you for sex? Yes, mainstream America. Women enjoy sex and no matter what Sex and the City tells you, we are capable of no strings attached sex…even lesbians. Do all your dates turn into hook-ups or one night stands? Let’s turn that around.

Hi Natasia,

I was kind of an ugly duckling, I’ve been hot for about a year now and at first it was great. I didn’t realize how easy it would be for me to meet women. I’m a nester and it seems like all the girls I date just want to use me for sex, one night stands, two night stands, bootycalls whatever. I’ve been dating for like 10 months now and it keeps happening. I meet girls in bars and clubs, but also through mutual friends and at the gym.

I think maybe part of it might be because sometimes they are too much younger than I am, I’m late 20s and sometimes I end up with girls in their early 20s. I think it could be a cultural thing too. I’m Brazilian and sex and passion mean different things to me than they do to some American girls. I take it to heart. I don’t think these women see all the potential I see in them…or maybe I’m just being too nice. I’ve always been inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt. One girl told me that we wouldn’t just have sex…then of course we did, cuz I have no will power! How do I turn these girls into potential romantic partners instead of just sex partners?

- Too Sexy Nester

Hi Nester,

It sucks to feel like you are being used for sex! There is definitely a disconnect between the way you are approaching these women and the way they are approaching you. The gym and mutual friends are a great way to meet women, bars and clubs, not as great, but it’s important that you keep putting yourself out there. So keep meeting women at the gym and through mutual friends, but make sure they are closer to your age range. Although there aren’t as many years between you and girls in their early 20s, people change a lot during those years and early 20s are usually for partying. You can tell your friends who want to play matchmaker that you are looking for girlfriend material, that might keep them from introducing you to the town stud.

It’s not impossible to meeting a girl in bar/club and start a relationship with her, but it’s less likely. Meeting someone in a bar makes your appearance the most important thing to her (that’s why she brought you that drink right?) so take looks out of the equation and try some LGBT volunteer work. This way the women you meet know something important about your personality right off the bat and are drawn to your altruism instead of your pretty face. Also, try online dating. I know, I know, it seems awful, but it’s a great way to weed out the girls who are just looking for sex and find the ones that are looking to settle down.

If you are looking for a relationship online, don't make your profile pic something too provocative. It could attract women for the wrong reason. Make it something sweet that shows who you are. On a side note, I totally have this bikini.

Sigh and now…the Rule. I hate the Rule because it’s so archaic BUT if you are looking for a serious partner…you are going to have to make her work to get you in bed. I would recommend waiting a month from the first date before you get busy in the sheets. This serves two purposes: 1) It will get rid of the girls who aren’t serious about you and can’t see how amazing you are and that you are worth waiting for. 2) It will protect your heart and make you feel less bad when a girl calls it quits. If sex makes you feel prematurely attached to someone before you really know them, wait! If you feel used by these women, break the cycle now, before it gets worse.

Good luck Nester! I hope you find what you are looking for. Keep me updated!

Have a question only I can answer? Message me on Facebook!

Lesbian Memes!

Today is my birthday! The official day of self indulgence. I have a love/hate relationships with birthdays because on one hand, you’re older but on the other hand, it’s like your own personal national holiday.

I’m 28 years old today (although I totally have the skin of a 27 year old, Thanks Oil of Olay! WINK) and I’m totally indulging myself with my favorite thing. You guys know what I love? A good meme. They keep me amused for hours. But there’s totally a dearth of memes by lesbians for lesbians. What every queer girl needs is a meme of her own. So I’ve created a few for us, just for funsies. Enjoy!

Amirite?!

Forever Alone

Unrequited lesbian love

It actually requires a lot of planning. Holla fantasy nerds!

Let's go for it, ladies. Let's ask the deep questions.

The aftermath of sleeping with your ex's ex

Because I had to0

I Have Queer Hair

First, let me start off by saying: It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you, without a dope beat to step too. Okay, now that that’s out of the way let’s resume being gay together. Ladies…I shaved the side of my head. This is Hot Femme before:

Tons of hair? I haz it.

This is Hot Femme missing a huge chunk of hair:

Yeah, that's not pulled back

Does it look better shaved off? Probably not. Am I happier this way? For sure. I’ve worn my hair long for most of my life and needed a change. Also, as anyone who reads this blog knows, I’m so femme that other lesbians usually don’t give me a second look. I totally get second looks now.

Y’all come back, ya hear?! There’s some good stuff in store.

Play “Who Would You Rather” with Tania Katan on Valentine’s Day! Plus: Lesbian Cupcakes!

Say "I want to be on you" with queer cupcakes!

Whether you hate Valentine’s Day because your coupled friends are shoving it in your face or because you are crumbling under the pressure of making the day perfect for your significant other, let’s all take a deep breath and take this a little less seriously.

Comedian, performer and author Tania Katan is here to relieve your Valentine’s Day blues with a rousing game of “Who Would You Rather: Famous Lesbian Edition.” I bet you all these girls are hotter than the ex that dumped you last week and stole your cat on her way out.

Sexy Valentine’s Day Gifts for Any Stage of Your Lesbian Relationship

This is what you want to happen at the end of the night

It’s Valentine’s Day…again. As I get older, my feelings on the holiday get less intense. However, Valentine’s Day is possibly the most polarizing holiday out there. Is it a ploy by Hallmark to get couples to spend money? Is it really “singles awareness day” in disguise, sent to make you feel like crap because you aren’t in a relationship? OR, the more likely scenario if you are a gay lady, you just have no idea what to get your partner, you’ve waited till the last minute and you’re in trouble. Well don’t worry girls; I’ve got you covered with sexy suggestions for the perfect gift for your girl.

The “We Just Started Dating” Almost Relationship

So you two have been on two or three dates and with some bad timing, now Valentine’s Day is coming up. You don’t want to be clingy or act over anxious, chances are one or both of you are still seeing other people or just don’t know if you like each other yet. Basically, the key here is to be sweet without being desperate. It’s a hard line to walk. Here are some suggestions:

One smells sweet, 12 smells like desperation

1) A single rose: The single rose tells a girl, “I would really really like to have sex with you one day and maybe even love you” without it being overkill. Do not go for more than one rose, you will look desperate.

2) A teeny tiny teddy…bear! Girls love cute n’ cuddly. Preferably, get one that has a lil heart or is all decked out for v-day so you don’t need a card or anything that accompanies it.

3) Chocolate: Yay girls love chocolate! You can go the traditional heart shaped box route or be creative! If you know she loves kitkats more than life itself, get her a kitkat bouquet. Know she loves the purple m&ms the best? Go to Dylan’s Candy Bar (or if you don’t live in NYC, the mall I guess. Or like, move here) and get her a huge bag.

Chocolate? Yes, please!

Depending on how connected you feel to the girl, you can get her more than one of the above suggestions. But remember, don’t try TOO HARD. This is just the first one and if it works out, you will have to top it next year. Don’t make it too hard for yourself to top next year…or make yourself look like you want to U-haul with her.

The “New” Relationship

It’s been between 3 months and a year, so it’s your first Valentine’s Day together and you need it to be special. Like, you really can’t mess this up. So you are going to need to pull out some stops. Let’s drive right in:

1) Flowers at Work: Have flowers delivered to her workplace. STAT. This is how you warm your girl up for later and get her warm n; fuzzy feelings flowing towards you.

2) Fancy Dinner: You can go out or you can cook it for her, but this needs to happen. Now, let’s get into the optional part of the V-day program.

3) Jewelry: Don’t get all fancy with the jewelry. Get her something low key and tasteful, if you are going to do it. You might want to check out her favorite website or a store she shops at a lot to get an idea of what she might want. Set a price limit so you don’t break your bank, this is more about the thought than impressing her with your spending power.

4) Lingerie: Ah Lingerie, there are many schools of thought about this. Basically, you know if this is something your girl would like or not. It’s the kind of thing that many women love, but consider it too frivolous to buy, so it makes for a perfect present. It also helps your girl feel hot and sexy and reminds her of how much you love her body, no matter what her insecurities are.

If she feels sexy, that will lead to sexy times

5) Think outside the box: Does your girl love sports? Get her a new mitt/ball/racket or stick. Does she love concerts? Get her some tickets to something fun and unusual. Collect bugs? Get her some new equipment. You get the point. Yes, these are also good presents for her birthday, but if she’s not your traditional V-day type of girl, you need to consider going down this route.

6) Puppy Love: Does she have a beloved pet? Get the pet a V-day themed toy. Sucking up to a girl’s pet will totally score you points.

The “Old & Married” Relationship

You’ve been together forever you have both pulled out all the traditional V-day stops over the years. And now you are sitting on the couch together, wondering what the hell to do this year and whether or not you need to waste money on this holiday. SPOILER ALERT: Yeah you probably do.

1) Eat in: Stay at home, light a few candles and eat together at a table. Shut that TV off! The best gift you can give your partner is actively listening to her. She will appreciate that more than another stuffed animal she needs to add to her list of things to dust.

2) Get a Room: Getting away from your usual surroundings can also lessen the pressures of the everyday. Get a room for yourself and your girl somewhere local. Order room service and put on fluffy white robes. She will reward you for taking her on a mini-getaway from real life with a great night. Plus: no one has to do dishes! It’s a win-win.

3) Massage Oil: Give your lady a massage and show her that she is still the princess she was when you first met.

4) Chocolate Body Paint: A little cliché, but it’s a great way to have your chocolate and umm…eat it too. This way you two can eat chocolate and get in a lil workout at the same time.

Delicious and hot!

5) Jewelry: This is when you break out the semi-precious stones. I recommend saving diamonds for birthdays and anniversaries. But a ruby or an emerald sounds awfully nice for V-day and will def get you laid.

6) Tickets to do Something, ANYTHING: Studies have shown that people get more enjoyment out of money when they spend on activities, as opposed to material objects. Also, after so long together, you need to get out of the house once awhile. Get her tickets to a comedy club, a hot air balloon ride, an art show, a play, a concert. Show her that you want to spend time with her in the bedroom and out of it.

Now go get her! Good lick girls! Oops I mean, good luck.

Blush For Eco-Concious Women Who Don’t Get Blush

Image via www.tartecosmetics.com

It’s Superbowl Sunday and TV is all in repeats, but it’s on and poppin’ at Hot Femme! Let’s keep girly weekend going. I’m clueless when it comes to blush. My previous attempts at blush have ended with me looking like an extra on Dallas. But, I found one ladies!

I’m in love with Tarte cheek stain, ‘tipsy’ is the color that looks the best on me. I try to keep my make-up subtle and ‘tipsy’ adds a subtle flush without making it look like I pile on my make-up every morning. It’s also incredibly easy to apply, just swipe right under the apples of your cheeks and up your cheekbone. Use your fingertips to blend up and voila, you’re all done.

Tarte cheek stains are also alcohol and oil free. It’s also a great choice for queer women because the company is pretty socially conscious. I know what you’re thinking “queer women aren’t more into saving the world than any other group of women! That’s a stereotype. Okay, we have a whole cruise line dedicated to LBQ women who want to go on cruises and save the world. Straight people don’t have that. Just sayin’

Do you have extra vacation days? Me too! Let's save the world and drink heavily! It's the lesbian way.

Tarte doesn’t test their products on animals, they use recycled casing materials and they are totally trying to save rainforests and junk.

What’s your fav blush? Share in the comments!

Mascara: It’s Complicated

It’s Superbowl weekend! Exciting! Right? Okay, I’m sooo not a huge sports fan. In fact…I don’t enjoy any type of sport at all. Soooo this weekend, Hot Femme is having a girls weekend in with some yummy posts about makeup. It doesn’t get girlier than that!

I have a confession, I have short eyelashes. I can’t go a day without beauty companies promising me that their mascara will give me the long, voluminous lashes of my dreams. Yeah, it’s not happening without photoshop.

There are so many choices; do you want the doll look? Crazy colors? Curling? Waterproof? Non-clumping? Do you want a comb mascara brush or a curved bristle brush? I don’t offing know, to be honest. The long standing staple of mascara has been Maybelline Great Lash mascara. The pink bottle, the green top, you can’t go wrong with a classic.

I used to layer Victoria Secret’s mascara with Maybelline Great Lash to give me the illusion of lashes. Buuut I just switched to Sephora Fiberwig mascara and I kind of like it.

Image via www.ehow.com

It’s pricey at 24$ a tube, but it’s worth it for a one swipe experience in the morning. I really only recommend it if your like me and your lashes need an extra (extra) boost. If you have naturally long lashes, skip the Fiberwig, it’s harder to get off and more expensive.

My cousin, who’s lashes always look great, layers TooFaced Lashgasm with Neutrogena Healthy Volume. For that special mix of boutique and drugstore brands, which is a good way to get great lashes without breaking your bank.

What kind of mascara do you use? Do you have any tips?

No Glove, No Love: Grrl Style

Women, alllllways with the foosball

I don’t know if many of you frequent the LGBT friendly adult shop, Babeland. But, they recently announced that their Brooklyn location will now be delivering! I’m pretty sure this is the first time an erotic store ever decided to deliver their goods This is great news, especially for lesbians. Ermmm…you can draw your own conclusions why.

Anywho, in celebration of this momentous event. I’ve decided to share my sad tale of a night without a happy ending.

A long time ago in Brooklyn, way before Hot Femme was married, she lived in a tiny apartment at the edge of Park Slope. One night, she went on a date with a lady friend who decided she wanted to see the inside of Hot Femme’s…apartment. The only problem was…there was no protection at Hot Femme’s apartment! No dams, no gloves. So what are two hot young dykes to do? The girls went to three drug stores and one sex  store (who will remain nameless) and came up empty. So they got some ice cream and went to sleep instead.

The. End.

Condoms are sold everywhere, constantly, they probably sell them at Disneyland. But gloves and dams are much harder to come by. Guess who sells them? Babeland! Now no one has to pass on surprise sex because they don’t have gloves ready and waiting. Do you guys hear that? That’s the sound of safe girl-on-girl action in BK.

How Do You Wear Your Hair Down There?

Let's get a little bit naughty

All this talk of merkins around here is making me hungry! Oh wait, no it’s not. It’s making me think of downstairs’ hairstyles. I was chatting with a pretty 26 year old blond queer chick who told me that she used to get a brazilian, but now that she’s older, she leaves a strip.

Which led me to wonder, Sex and the City style, does leaving a strip make you seem more grown up then going all bare?

There are a few reasons why women wax, some of us do it for ourselves and others do it for their partners. I do it because I’m too lazy to shave or trim or whatever. I go in once every two months, get a completely bare brazilian and proceed to forget about any type of upkeep until I have to go back in. (That’s what she said)  Upon further introspection, I guess that is kind of immature. But it’s also a reflection of a busy lifestyle. My brazilian says that I have places to go and things to do and I can’t be bothered with trimming!

Ahem.

Anywho, I’ve also been thinking about other ‘hairstyles’ and what this says about the women who rock them.

Landing Strip: You’re a career oriented woman and you have your ish together. You know exactly where your clit is and you’re willing to endure the pain it takes to point your partner directly to that spot. I like the way you get down to business, girl.

What do YOU think is going on in there?

Bikini Wax: You’re a traditional and practical gal. This style is the least amount of pain while still keeping you neat and tidy when it’s beach season. Let’s start a book club together.

Shapes/Vajazzling: You love your boyfriend. ZOMG you love him so much and you can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes you got his initials waxed onto your vaj! P.s. Happy 19th birthday.

Shaving: You dislike pain and don’t see the point of spending money on waxing. You host a lot of potlucks, which is a great way to meet more women.

Au Natural: You enjoy free love and possibly the smell of patchouli. If you invite me to your spring harvest celebration, I’ll go. I promise.

…So…if you’re brave enough, tell me how you like your hair down there or how you prefer your girl to wear it, in the comments!