Horrible Pick Up Lines: NYC Dyke Bar Edition

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bi, casual, dancing, Dating, drinking, hooking up, in the club, lesbian, NYC, pick up lines, Queer, rejection, relationships

A good pick up line leads to happy kitties

Talking to girls is hard. Being a girl who wants to talk to girls is even harder. Last night, I hit up a lez bar with some of my homo girls. There was drinking, dancing, connections were made and numbers were exchanged. There were also incredibly true, incredibly awful pick up lines that made me cringe. Ladies…we need to fix this. A cheesy opening line can be endearing but there are some blunders that you can’t recover from. Let’s look at some of the blunders from last night and see how we can prevent future trainwrecks.

1)      Are you gay?

I get really tired of people asking me if I am gay or not and if you open with this, I don’t want to talk to you. Society is so full of stereotypes about lesbians that I don’t want to deal with it when I’m around other queers. I’m at the gay bar, assume I’m gay. If the girl you are talking to at your local lez watering hole tells you she’s straight and is offended you hit on her, she’s the douche not you. She is also probably not as straight as she thinks. Just sayin!

Feel like this on the inside, not the outside

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m guilty of asking a girl if she was gay too. Picture this: A young baby dyke in Brooklyn heads to Catty Shack for the first time. She sees someone in a bar she thinks is attractive for the first time EVER! The girl looks just like Dana in The L Word! ZOMG. Baby dyke opens with HEY YOU DON’T LOOK GAY AT ALL! Faux Dana responds “NEITHER DO YOU!” and later goes home with the smooth stud that bought her a beer. Long story short: Don’t ask if she’s gay, just buy her a drink.

2)      Hey, are you trying to stick something up my ass? I mean…you’re really attractive

Yes, this happened. Never bring up anal sex while hitting on a girl. I hold this truth to be self evident.

3)      Girl, you got a booty!

Slow down! You haven’t seen it yet and with that kind of line you will never get too. It’s great to compliment a lady, but pick something that will make her feel special as opposed to making her feel like a piece of meat. “Nice smile,” “Nice eyes” or “You have gorgeous hair” will get you a lot further.

Don't be the third wheel. Just don't do it.

4)      Hey, you want to play pool?

Normally this would be a great pick up line! The problem? Don’t say it to two women who are making out with each other. They probably aren’t interested. It’s hard to tell which lesbians are in a couple and which are just out with their friends. But it’s not impossible and if you make a mistake, no biggie. But avoid women who are obvs together. Like, if they are making out, holding hands or (ugh) looking into each other’s eyes and grinning like fools, leave them alone.

5)      Hi you can call me ThePanda, I only give out my name for business reasons.

Girl, that’s not cool. You aren’t Ja Rule and giving out your government name to women to make them feel special isn’t going to work for you. Prove that you are a grown up and give out your real name.

Do you have any pick up line horror stories? Are you guilty (eek, like me) of using a bad one? Share in the comments!

Ask the Femme: Is My Coworker a Grrl or a Girl?

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advice, coworkers, Dating, drinking, femme, friends, lesbian, relationships

It’s so hard to tell if a girl plays for your team or not, especially when it comes to the workplace. Should you ask her out even if you aren’t sure of her sexuality? Read more to find out!

Ask me a question, I promise to think reeeal hard about it!

Dear Femme,

I’m trying to ask out a girl, who is also the program assistant for my professional training program, but I can’t gauge her sexuality to save me. She talks flirtatiously with me, the only times I’ve ever seen her smile is when she sees me, I joke around with her plenty, etc., but today I tried to invite her out for drinks to return the favor for storing a small box with my stuff for me. But she declined on the basis that I had to stop thanking her for holding my stuff. Even though the training coordinators said they couldn’t hold all 16 of my classmates’ boxes.

Have I completely lost my chance? What do you think?

Lost in Translation

Ps. I’m moving to Europe for work at the end of August. We’ll still be colleagues, but she’ll be in the US.

 

Hi LiT,

Thanks for writing in! I’m going to tell you to forget trying to figure out if this chick is queer or not. Just go for it and ask her out. She might have declined drinks because she thought you only wanted to take her out because she did you a favor, not because you liked her. My guess is that she wants you to hang out with her because you WANT to, not because she did you a favor. You might have thought that was a thinly veiled excuse, she might have really bought it.

She obviously likes you, at least as a person if she’s straight, so you haven’t lost your chance. Come clean and let her know you want to go for drinks with her because you want to get to know her better. Something along the lines of, “We have so much fun at work, I want to get to know you better.” If she’s gay and there are sparks, you will know. If she’s straight, you will at least have made a new drinking buddy.

There is also a chance that she doesn’t want to get involved with you because you are colleagues. That can be a sticky situation, so you need to be prepared to be shot down. However, since you are also leaving the country in a few weeks you won’t have to face her every day for months if she shoots you down! You have nothing to lose, LiT, so go for the gold!

Let me know how it goes!

Xoxo

The Femme

Want some advice? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com or message me on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/natasiarose

I’m Addicted to Getting Lucky

Tags

Bath & Body Works, britney spears, Brooklyn, Candies, Curses, Dominican Republic, Latina, luck, Lucky, Lucky Pennies, Manhattan, Mark Jacobs, New York City, NYC, Puerto Rico, Shrimp, Twilight, Victoria's Secret

Fuck yea Abe Lincoln!

I believe in good luck charms, with all my heart. I swoop down on heads-up pennies in the grimy streets of New York City for my shot at a good day. Good luck pennies found in the morning, on my way to work are filled with the most unlocked potential.

Does that mean work is going to be extra special today? I ask the Cosmos.

Squeeee! Yea, duh! Cosmos replies back.

Srsly Ronald McDonald House is awesome

A lucky penny means walking a little higher in my heels, breath bated as I negotiate through the throng of cubicle dwellers, migrant workers and homeless people on my way to the office.  I even take my lucky pennies into McDonalds and put them in the donation bin for the Ronald McDonald House, cuz dreams.

What are you, some kind of moron? You are probably thinking to yourself. What kind of grown ass woman needs a lucky penny in the morning to put her in a good mood?

A stupid one. BUT, in my defense, the rumor in my old ‘hood in Brooklyn is that I was cursed.  I grew up…cursed. La Maldita. La fucking Maldita.

Being cursed is tough.

So, in the interest of full disclosure, a good luck penny in the morning isn’t where my lucky charm addiction starts.  I need to start with my lucky body lotion, Twilight Woods from Bath & Body Works. No, Twilight Woods is not associated with the Twilight books/movies, it’s just an incredibly smart marketing ploy by the Bath & Body Works marketing team. (A tip of the vadge to you, B&BW marketing team!) Why is this lotion lucky? Fuck if I know! I got a feeling from it when I passed it in the store and it makes me smell nice. Therefore, any day that starts without it will probably end with my demise.

SO IT IS WRITTEN.

Anywho, after my lucky rip-off vampire themed body lotion, I need to either put on Victoria’s Secret Love Spell body spray or Daisy by Mark Jacobs. Why are these scents lucky? Fuck if I know! I woke up one morning and decided they were. Love Spell is everyday lucky, Daisy is for days I need an extra pick me up.

I round out my luck routine with a beaded blue and purple anklet that a man gave me during a Spring Break trip to the Dominican Republic. I’m Puerto Rican, for those of you who don’t know PRs and DRs fight like cats and dogs. For some reason, I believe Cosmos has endowed my anklet with luck.

Even style news can hurt.

But bitches, despite my lucky routine lately my luck has sucked.  First, I walked into the middle of a fight between the vendors that (live?) work outside my subway stop. The lady that hands out AM New York (cuz she is a lady) lunged at the coupon guy right as I walked in between them. Awkward. Plus ouch.

The next morning, whilst running to the subway, I came upon a plump older woman (60s? 70s?) wearing a bathing suit and selling herself to a slightly out-of-it middle aged man. Sad and vomit is my favorite flavor in the morning.

Another morning my dress strap popped (NO I AM NOT GETTING FAT SHUT UP!) on a morning when I was running late for work. The next day, my heel broke. Not just any heel, my Candies Heel. The ones Britney Spears wore in her first Candies ads. That heel. It was the end of an era. I ran out at lunch and got replacement heels, that felt great in the store. But then they made me bleed. Like, ‘my shoe is filling with blood’ bleed.

Stop looking at her abs-look at her feet-those are the shoes

So I switched to flip flops. The next morning, be-flipped and heading to the subway, I stepped into a huge pile of shrimp shells that were mixed with some kind of crap and discarded on the sidewalk.

Even the cute ones can hurt me

I’m allergic to shrimp.

Long story short, I’m alive. Alive and scared. I haven’t lost faith in the power of inanimate objects to bestow protections upon me and my house, cuz stubborn optimism. I know my lucky charms are broken. I haven’t found a heads-up penny in at least a month. I need some new charms, otherwise I don’t know if I’m going to make it out of Manhattan alive.