Tags
angelina jolie, coming out, femme, girl on girl, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Queer, Sex, The L word, vida guerra
Bitch, I know you did NOT just ask me that.
This question usually comes around when you are least suspecting it. Probably when you are hanging out with a bunch of friends and friends of friends and having a few drinks. Everyone is having a good time. Then, someone asks you if you have a boyfriend and you say something like “No, I actually like girls.”
This is usually when it happens. Someone, male or female, it doesn’t matter, will bust out with: “BUT HOW DO TWO GIRLS HAVE SEX?”
Other variations include (but are not limited to):
- Are you the one that wears the strap on?
- So…it’s…like…just oral sex?
- Are YOU the guy?
- Don’t you miss X male body part?
Homie don't play that.
So what do you? First, you shove the desire to punch this person in the face deep down inside. Violence never solves anything. Then, if you are like me, you freeze. It’s such an invasive thing to ask someone and every time it happens I feel like someone just tossed a bucket of ice water over my head.
I’ve decided to create a menu of responses to this question, so you can whip them out even if you are caught off guard!
1) “Calm down, perv! That’s none of your business.” or “ Ew, I don’t know, how do YOU have sex?”
These approaches should shame whoever asked the question into shutting up and chances are your friends will change the topic. It’s always better to be sassy and sarcastic rather than bitchy. Let the other person be the a-hole in the situation.
2) “Why don’t you ask your girlfriend/wife/mom/sister?”
If you really hit it, you might want to keep your big dyke mouth shut.
Obvs you should say this in a joking manner. Esp if you want to avoid a fist fight. I’ve noticed from personal experience that it shuts people up quick. Again, don’t be dead serious when you say this, even if it’s true. Humor is the best way to combat stupid.
3) “If you come home with me later, I can just show you.” WINK
Ever gone on a magic carpet ride?
Only say this if the girl asking the question is cute…and if you are good at winking. Duh.
4) “Why? Do you want to make sure you’re doing it right?”
People who ask such invasive questions deserve to get an invasive question thrown right back at them. But again, be careful with your tone. Nobody likes nasty.
5) “Add ‘The L Word’ to your Netflix que.”
Ok, maybe it's not the way that we live, but I still miss that show.
This one speaks for itself. Plus, this is the way, it’s the way that we live and looooooooovvvveeeee.
I know some of you nice grrls out there are thinking “But maybe I really should tell them! Maybe they just want to know?” And maybe they do, but it’s not your job to splay your most intimate moments out in front of everyone in order to educate them. If someone really is interested in understanding more about how queers love, they will ask one-on-one and in a more sensitive way.
Your turn! Have you ever been asked about GirlSex and what did you say?
Hot Femme in the City 
I have not been asked that question in a long time, but I seem to recall turning purple, accessing my inner John McEnroe and screaming, “You can’t be serious, you ignoramus!” Hey, that was a different era. Yet, if someone did ask me that insensitive and dumb question now, I’d fake an affable tone and advise, “Google it,” while thinking, “You ignoramus.” Several of my straight friends have watched at least one episode of “The ‘L’ Word”. Some of them found it enlightening while others thought they should have received combat pay for slogging through that soap opera. I commiserate with the latter group.
Google it! I can’t believe I didnt think of that! It’s a great comeback and easy to spit out when one is turning purple.
Two incidents come to mind. My cousin’s wife, whom I’ve known since I was born, asked me this. I was very embarrassed and refused to talk about it (because I don’t discuss MY sex w/ anyone in the family). In an effort to put me at ease, she began to divulge hers and my cousin’s bedroom secrets. TMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were driving and I wanted to jump outta the car. Another is just last night, actually. Sitting in front of my friend, I was asked, “How do chicks have sex???” I gave her a play-by-play, and each time I said “clit” she blushed. I began calling clit-rubbing “topical sex,” and she started making fun of me, and we went back to “clit.” However, more hilarious was when she expressed her worry at my not getting cock, to which I assured her I have a strap-on. “Oh, ok. Good. You’re getting cock. I’m not sad any more.” xDDDDD ❤ Gotta love my friends!
This is a good example of when it’s fun to educate someone!
I’ve only been asked this question once… but then I’ve only been involved in a sexual relationship with another woman for the last couple of years.
It was actually when another of my close female friends found out I had become intimate with my sweetheart and she was mostly curious but very polite and respectful of my shyness about it. I found it a relief to discuss things openly with her mostly because at the time I was aching to have somebody to talk to about my relationship and the way I was both incredibly happy as well as terribly confused by it all.
She’s straight, but very open minded and in a way, having her to chat with about the details and emotions as well as the physical stuff brought us closer together as friends. So never just assume that somebody is nosy or exploitative….. sometimes they are just truly curious about understanding your situation.
Def! In a girl talk situation it can be really freeing to open up. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experience!
You have been pimped out. Your blog entries get better and better! xo Cindy
Thanks Cindy! You’re the best!
Hahahaha. Awesome! I may need to use some of these suggestions.
I’ve only been asked once. By my sister. This was when I first came out to her. So that was okay. She was concerned about my enjoyment and was puzzled that “You would actually go down on a woman?!” The conversation ended up taking a bit of a turn as I discovered that she was putting a greater weight on my sex life with the gf than she was putting actual value on our (happiness in our) relationship. At this point, I explained that the best dick in the world would never compensate for the comfort, happiness, love, etc. that I have with this amazing woman. Case closed. The other question that came up was, “Which one is the man and which one is the woman?” Ummm… We’re both women. That’s why you and I are having this conversation, dearest. LOL.
Awwww, I’m glad you and your sis had that heart to heart!
Whenever someone says “everyone’s a little bisexual!” I’m like no. You born able to go down on another woman or not. That’s the test. :-p
That HAS to be the most accurate test! LOL.
Now that’s the part of the question I’ve never really been asked… “Which of you is the “woman”?”
I suppose it’s because both my sweetie and I are both what I suppose would be considered “femme” and for the most part people just think we’re really good friends when they see us together. Our relationship is sort of equal… although my sweetheart has been bisexual since she was in high-school and I’ve always considered myself “straight”…. at least till she and I got together 3 years ago. In any event… she’s obviously a bit more experienced, I suppose, at this whole thing, but even so we don’t really have any sort of problems with one of us being more “dominant” or “in charge”…. It’s mostly like the two of us are still BFF’s, but with a deeper, more physical edge to things.
Truthfully, I’d be sort of worried if somebody ever labeled either of us as “the man” in our relationship… That would just seem so weird and wrong. I think of both of us as “girls”…. and I’m certain my sweetie would say the same.
It’s funny you say that because I def think that same-sex relationships are more balanced in general. I think after 3 years you two are probably just as experienced! 😉
It was surreal for me those first few weeks as lovers, I was definitely enjoying things, but I was always… in the back of my mind… wondering if I was “getting it right”. It was only later that my sweetheart told me she was so darn scared almost every time we made love those first few times, that she’d do something I wouldn’t like and would want to stop being with her. That was something she’d never worried about before with anybody else… but she wanted “us” to happen so much she didn’t want to screw things up….. Once she told me that, and I knew how much I meant to her It made loosening up a lot easier for both of us. So I guess we were “equals” even back then….
But now… all these years later, we’ve gotten very comfortable together and our “intimate playtime” is something we both enjoy equally I think, without any worries and thankfully… our tastes in that department run in very similar lines. Thank goodness. 🙂
That’s so sweet & congrats on three years!
Oof. Yes, I remember being asked this question, and worst of all, by one of my closest friends who’s like a sister to me. Awkward! There’s a misconception regarding lesbian sex and stereotypical views that ALL LESBIANS use toys. Not true. I actually sit there and explain different ways and dynamics of butch/femme and how most lesbians do not “play the man” – it’s just out of love/lust/attraction—whatever. I find it amazing how many people do not even realize how many ways… And, when it comes to a man asking this to another woman, my one eyebrow goes up wondering if he’s getting off on the lesbian sex chatter. Whether oral, tribbing, (look that up please if you’re not familiar with that term), or toys, as long as the two people are enjoying one another, why does it matter “how”? Great post and great question!
Oh gosh, I’m going to google tribbing right now.
Haha it’s nice of you to educate people on lady love!
I still have a lot of learning to do myself. 😉
… and therein lies all the fun…. 😉
That’s probably why this question gets asked in the first place…. they somehow just know they are missing out on all the fun and games.
Psssst!! Too darn bad for them. Hehehe!!
Good one! I am nor usually asked. One look and they know, I dont do boys. They also know…not to ask.
That’s be you are so badass J!
Agreed!
Great responses. I can’t believe there’s still people out there askn that.
Surprising and true! Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Yeah no kidding! I never really get asked. I mean I’m bi. but usually if someone asks anything they just ask if its true. I have never been asked how you do it. haha. great post! I loved all the comments as well!
Thanks! And asking if “bi” is just as annoying and probably needs it’s own post!
I’m more then willing to describe the sex act between two women to a straight woman. I find when I start describing the act they run like a bat out of hell! It is rather funny! When it comes to men, I just tell them use your imagination and walk away. Great post.
Great suggestion Kiera! Thanks for sharing 🙂
I have never really understood why someone would make any difference between loving someone of the same sex or not. Love is love! It comes from the heart and all hearts are more or less the same when it comes to love.
If a person would ask me about my sex-life (even if I am not gay) I would just consider them weird, since that is something between me and my partner.
Also, I don´t know if I have misunderstood something? but why would someone assume that all people with a specific sexual preference would live, act or be in some special way? I don´t think there are two relationships on earth that are the same, regardless of the couple (or more people) being homo-, hetero-, trans- or bi- sexual
Good post, as well as many others you write.
Thanks Rasta! I love your philosophy. Love is love and it’s beautiful.
Yes I! The most beautiful thing ever 🙂
I’ve never actually been asked that question. I love that all your answers are in question form, though!
“I don’t know, how do ignorant people… you know, SPEAK?” comes to mind. 🙂
Oh gosh…they are all in question form! Why is that?!
That’s a great answer Anne! I will whip that one out sometime. And it’s in question form so you know it’s right up my alley 🙂
Ha! this is amusing. Especially, the one about “ask you mother/sister/wife..etc” haha!
I sometimes get into that situation and I freeze too…and then I go through my carrousel of responses.
But I really hate it when they ask me if I’ve ever had sex with a man and if I don’t want to try it. Than I have a perfect answer (if the person asking the question is a dude): “Why don’t you try it first, and if you enjoyed it, let me know and I’ll think about it”.
Also I don’t agree with “The L Word”. I don’t live like that (it rains a lot here :P) plus I hate drama and I hardly ever mingle with the lezzies. So except for the sex bit, in the L word, i’d have to disagree with that.
But otherwise, this post is once again, awesome, fun and lovely to read 😀 thanks!
Thanks Maggie! I’ll need to try that one out!
Regrettably, I did not read this prior to being interrogated last weekend. Excellent advice!
Thanks! and I hope you don’t get interrogated again anytime soon!
although I’m a guy I find this extremely entertaining :’).
Great post!
I’m glad you liked it! Men and lesbians have a lot more in common than most people think.
Your posts are hilarious! made me choke on a piece of avocado.. that dosen’t happen much I tell ya!
Thanks! That totally made my morning. The fact that I made you laugh, not the choking part!
Oh my I’m loving your posts so far! I feel a little late, but better late than never right? I’ve gotten asked this question a couple times by friends and both times I just turned beet red and laughed it off. I’m shy like that! I say I just do whatever feels good! You can’t go wrong there.
I’m so glad you love the posts! Girl, you aren’t tardy for this party. Laughing something off is a great way to deal with any embarrassing situation.