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Bitch, I know you did NOT just ask me that.

This question usually comes around when you are least suspecting it. Probably when you are hanging out with a bunch of friends and friends of friends and having a few drinks. Everyone is having a good time. Then, someone asks you if you have a boyfriend and you say something like “No, I actually like girls.”

This is usually when it happens. Someone, male or female, it doesn’t matter, will bust out with: “BUT HOW DO TWO GIRLS HAVE SEX?” 

Other variations include (but are not limited to):

  1. Are you the one that wears the strap on?
  2. So…it’s…like…just oral sex?
  3. Are YOU the guy?
  4. Don’t you miss X male body part?
axe girl Pictures, Images and Photos

Homie don't play that.

So what do you? First, you shove the desire to punch this person in the face deep down inside. Violence never solves anything. Then, if you are like me, you freeze. It’s such an invasive thing to ask someone and every time it happens I feel like someone just tossed a bucket of ice water over my head.

I’ve decided to create a menu of responses to this question, so you can whip them out even if you are caught off guard!

1) “Calm down, perv! That’s none of your business.” or “ Ew, I don’t know, how do YOU have sex?” 

These approaches should shame whoever asked the question into shutting up and chances are your friends will change the topic. It’s always better to be sassy and sarcastic rather than bitchy. Let the other person be the a-hole in the situation.

 2) “Why don’t you ask your girlfriend/wife/mom/sister?” 

Vida Guerra Pictures, Images and Photos

If you really hit it, you might want to keep your big dyke mouth shut.

Obvs you should say this in a joking manner. Esp if you want to avoid a fist fight. I’ve noticed from personal experience that it shuts people up quick. Again, don’t be dead serious when you say this, even if it’s true. Humor is the best way to combat stupid.

 3) “If you come home with me later, I can just show you.” WINK

Wink Girl Pictures, Images and Photos

Ever gone on a magic carpet ride?

Only say this if the girl asking the question is cute…and if you are good at winking. Duh.

 4) “Why? Do you want to make sure you’re doing it right?”

People who ask such invasive questions deserve to get an invasive question thrown right back at them. But again, be careful with your tone. Nobody likes nasty.

5) “Add ‘The L Word’ to your Netflix que.”

the l word Pictures, Images and Photos

Ok, maybe it's not the way that we live, but I still miss that show.

This one speaks for itself. Plus, this is the way, it’s the way that we live and looooooooovvvveeeee.

I know some of you nice grrls out there are thinking “But maybe I really should tell them! Maybe they just want to know?” And maybe they do, but it’s not your job to splay your most intimate moments out in front of everyone in order to educate them. If someone really is interested in understanding more about how queers love, they will ask one-on-one and in a more sensitive way.

Your turn! Have you ever been asked about GirlSex and what did you say?

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