Tags
advice, ask the femme, Dating, ex, femme, friend zone, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, marriage, online dating, Queer, relationships, romance, runaway bride, soul mate, the one
If you go into every date expecting this to happen-it's not gonna work
Dating: 99% of us will have to do it at one time or another in our lives. And you know what? It’s not great. It’s stressful especially since the stakes are so high. Think about it: you are looking for your soulmate. That’s a pretty tall order and the pressure is bound to get to anyone eventually.
I always tell people to relax and enjoy dating, because one day you will get married and spend the rest of your life with someone. I got some great questions from you guys this weekend about dating. So let’s get down and dirty with it!
Dear Femme,
I’m trying online dating for the first time and I’m so overwhelmed. I get tons of messages that I don’t have time to reply to and it seems like every time I go online I get instant messaged. I have been on one date and it was a total bust. There is another girl from the site I am talking to, but I don’t think she’s my type. I think I am just going to give up. I have a full time career, a large circle of friends and family and volunteer in my free time. I just don’t think I have time to devote to this anymore. What do you think?
Pick me, choose me, love me
Online Bust
Hi OB,
Thanks for writing! First of all, don’t be overwhelmed. This process is supposed to be fun and exciting, not stressful! Take a deep breath and remember why you joined an online dating service in the first place, to meet someone who has the same interests as you. So carve out a chunk of time, turn off your cell phone, turn off the tv, hide your online status and go through your messages. Delete the ones that you think you won’t have any chemistry with, either for physical reasons or grammatical ones. Write back to the ones you like. Not to the ones your friends pick out for you, or the ones that look the most likely to piss off your ex the ones that you feel drawn to at first glance. Trust your gut, don’t second guess.
It's hard but you can do it, I believe in you!
The next step is to browse. Don’t let other women choose you, find women you would choose for yourself. Send them each a personalized message based on the interests you share. Don’t just copy and paste the same message over and over. By doing this you will take control of the situation and you will feel more proactive and less overwhelmed.
The last step, don’t talk to either the girl you met in person or the girl you are talking to. Don’t waste your time or theirs. Good luck and let me know if you meet anyone!
Dear Femme,
I’ve been single for two years. It seems like every time I start dating someone, things go smoothly for one or two months and then she just disappears! I don’t get it. I don’t have sex with anyone until I think they are really interested (definitely not on the first date!) and everything always seems to be fine until the other person stops returning my calls. I’m not a needy person, I don’t call or text my dates every five minutes but I pay enough attention for them to know I am interested. What am I doing wrong? Thanks for your help!
Two Month Chump
Imagine this movie title is "Runaway Lesbian Date" There. Now it's perfect.
Hi TMC,
Thanks for writing! I’m sorry to hear about your predicament, it’s a pretty tricky situation. I don’t know much about you, but I’m going to try to give you the best advice possible. There are several different possibilities.
1) It’s not you, it’s them: What type of women are you choosing to date? What is the common thread? Do you tend to choose women who have just gotten out of long-term relationships? Do you gravitate towards women who aren’t looking for a long term partner? Try to find out on the first or second date if your date is emotionally available or just looking for a good time. Usually you can just trust your instincts on this one. If she starts crying into her ice cream about her ex-girlfriend, she’s probably not ready to date anyone seriously. That’s your cue to cut her out or put her into the friend zone. This is the best way to ensure you don’t get your feelings hurt down the road.
You: "Nice Weather" Her: "MY EX LOVES WEATHER WAAAA" That's your cue to run away, Simba. Run away and never return.
2) It’s not them, it’s you: What signals do you send to your dates? Are you sending them “friend zone” signals? Do come across as not wanting to be in a long-term relationship? Listen to yourself when you talk, do you talk about your ex too much? Do you talk about traveling the world with no ties or commitments to anyone or anything? These are red flags to girls who are looking to settle down with someone. If a month has passed and the girl is still around, talk about a future that applies to both of you.
Good luck, TMC and let me know if it works!
Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com or message me on FB http://www.facebook.com/natasiarose
I would like to set up a service where you anti-date, or date in reverse. For example, on your first meeting, you break-up and claim half the cat and all the furniture, then progress to the comfortable “married couple” phase, then the honeymoon period, then you end on an exciting and happy note. Original, eh? Where do I pull this shit from?
LOL Like Benjamin Button for relationships. I would sign up for that.
I’ve done both but for me, the reality is, that dating is nothing more than entertainment while waiting for those great loves to appear. That is what has always, always, happened in my world. However- dating has been a great way to make long term friendships.
Those great loves have always just appeared, when I was not expecting it. There was one recent case- where not seeking a date online- but rather helping with something- a femme and I met in this process- met a week later and bam- something special- but we were NOT seeking out dating on line-it was a mutual interest in an issue.
As for vs- Online dating seems to work better if you meet very fast in RT- after meeting on line. This way- you can get over the shock or dive into the delight- without wasting time.
Great piece, as always!
JRN
That’s a great tip for online dating! It’s better to get the RL meeting done ASAP to make sure there is physical chemistry.
I think everyone would prefer to meet their sig other in a non-dating setting, but sometimes dating can help open your mindset to romance.
I suppose I’m the lucky one… my sweetheart was my best friend for 16 years before we became lovers and I never had to try (risk) the dating scene to find her. I just had to get my goofy lil’ butt to open my eyes and recognize that wonderful person was soooo pining away for me all those years.
Carolyn on the other hand told me that for her as a bisexual woman, finding guys to date was easy (too darn easy… with far more “frogs” than “princes” in the mix)… it’s the worthwhile girls that were always so hard to find. She doesn’t have a bad thing to say about any of her Ex’s, but she says there was some drama at times with one or two of them.
That’s so sweet and you are lucky you didn’t have to shop around. I think everyone would prefer to have a relationship grow organically from a best friendship. Especially since I have so many readers who are in love with their best friends!
I read your blog for tidbits like these: “You: “Nice Weather” Her: “MY EX LOVES WEATHER WAAAA” That’s your cue to run away, Simba. Run away and never return.”
You never fail to get me spill something on myself at work.
Thanks, Riley! I love making women laugh 🙂
Before there was online dating, it was even worse, you met people through print personal ads. No pictures. Just a few lines of text. Then a phone call or two. About twenty years ago, through the Village Voice, I met [I’ve changed her name here] very closeted Daphne Angerklunk. Unlike her, I’d been out since age 14. When we first encountered each other I recall I said, “Hello.” She responded, “You’re not my type.” Since it’s in my nature to try to be polite, I said, “Thank you.”
Although our chemistry could have been illustrated with a flat line, for some insane reason, we proceeded to have dinner where she flirted wildly with the waiter. She said, “My friend’s gay, but I’m not.” I wanted to say, “She’s not my friend and she’s gay, too.” Instead I used my speaking skills to order a Jack Daniels double. This prompted her to ask, “Do you have a drinking problem?” I said, “Highly likely after tonight.”
We did not have a second date and I started seeing someone I met in real life.
In later years, I did give online personals a try and fared significantly better. Yet, in general, my more rewarding relationships have been with women I’ve met in real life, but I do know people that have actually found their significant other online. That always blows what’s left of my mind.
Oooo best blind date ever! How did you let a treasure like that slip through your fingers?
I wish love could be like me and my cat! A few years ago I saw this little black calico walking through my neighborhood about a mile from my home. The next day she showed up at my front door, and the rest is a loving history! Who says true love can’t happen 🙂
I will always feel it was because she chose me.
I’m glad you two found each other! 🙂
HAHA so true about running in the opposite directed from women who have just gotten out of a LTR. That’s happened to me twice and both times I was too blind to see it but now I will try harder to keep my eyes open when I meet another girl. But you see, I never really intended to date them. It usually starts off as friends and I’m that shoulder they cry on when they miss their ex and I tell them that the world will be beautiful again one day…then bam, they want to call me girlfriend! It was never my idea first and I just fall for it every time. Holy crap, I think I just described myself as the rebound girlfriend didn’t I? I’m putting an end to it now!
Yeah I’ve been a rebound too! I think that might be it’s own post!
ahhh yes, do it and I’ll be waiting on this topic! 🙂