You’re Going to Have to Pay For That

Tags

bar, bouncer, club, cover, Dating, drinking, dyke bar, femme, friends, gay, girl bar, girls, grrl, Hot Girl, in the club, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Queer

Grabbing your friends ass probably won't get you into the grrl bar for free, but I'll be impressed

“Three for two discount?” My pretty straight friend purred to the bouncer outside NYC’s biggest dyke bar. “Nice try, sweetheart.” The bouncer replied. We forked over ten more dollars for the privilege of entry. Luckily for me, my straight friends are more than happy to pay the cover if it means they can drink and dance without men coming up to us every minute. They already know the drill, you’re not getting into the dyke bar for free.

At straight bars, I’m usually able to talk someone into letting me skip the line or the cover or both. At lesbian parties/bars I’ve gotten in for free once…ONCE!

Even she's only gotten in free once

There’s a few reasons for this. Lesbians tend to nest and stay home once they find their girlfriend. This gets even worse in the winter, when most of you just choose a girlfriend from the stable of girls you are currently dating specifically in order to avoid having to go out in a miniskirt when it’s cold. Yes, that’s a great reason to get into a relationship. Anywho, what this means is that the revenue for places that are lez bars 24/7 drops like your ex’s panties when she sees a girl with a lipring. Therefore, the prices for those of us who actually go are jacked up in order to keep the bar in business.

Basically, if we don’t pay the cover, NYC could end up like another major city (I’m looking at you Boston) that doesn’t have ANY 24/7 grrl bars. That would be a disaster. I’m sad just thinking about it.

No dyke bars? But where will I go to find my own kind?

The other reason is more irritating. Lesbians don’t care how cute you are. They really don’t. The bouncer knows that even if she turns you and your fabulous boobs away, there will be another great pair around the corner, who won’t complain about paying the cover.

I'll pay the cover...and make out with your girlfriend while your cheap butt is at home

The only way to get around paying covers or waiting on line is to become friends with the bouncer/bartender/owner. The owner of the bar, being the best option, so shoot for that one. I’m not talking like BS, shoot the breeze whenever you walk in kind of way. I’m not even talking in the dating kind of way. Dating any of the three people I mentioned is more likely to get you banned from the bar than in for free. You need to bring her soup when she’s sick, watch her dog when she goes on vacation and help her move when her girlfriend finds out about the chick with the faux hawk.

Yeah, this one

Is that worth it to skip paying the cover? Probably not. So we’ll just all keep paying, cuz lesbians are so awesome to party with that any cover would be worth it. Errmm…right?

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Ask the Femme: Are Push-Up Bras False Advertising?

Tags

Adriana Lima, advice, ask the femme, bisexual, Bra, BRas, Dating, femme, gel bra, Padded bras, Push-up bras, Queer, relationships, Shakespeare, Victoria's Secret, water bra

Yeah, those are way too sexy to be real.

I’m a big believer in the power of a great bra. Push-up or padded, if you got ’em you might as well make them look great right?! I was recently informed that not everyone thinks this way. Some of you, apparently, are disappointed when you whip out your best “one handed bra unsnap” trick and…then…they’re smaller than advertised. Like, way smaller. Is that really so awful? You’re still going to sleep with a hot chick and her boobs are still hawt! So suck it up! And when I say “suck it up” I’m not just talking to my homogrrls, I’m including straight men in this too.

It could be worse, you could be a straight chick who has to deal with the “unveiling.” Straight/bi ladies, you know what I’m talkin’ about. Gold stars-just go about your business and don’t worry about it.

Straight women have even LESS of an idea of what they are getting into and it has the potential to be a lot worse. Scary worse.

Anywho, let’s get to the question from a girl who loves to push ’em up.

Hi Femme,
I recently bought a bra that has gel filled inserts. It makes my A-cup boobies look incredible. It’s become my standard date bra. I’ve been out with this girl I like four times and the last time, we had a really hot makeout sesh at my place. While we were kissing she tried to feel up my boobs but I had to put the kibosh on it (I didn’t want her to realize my boobs felt like tiny water balloons) and she went home soon after.

She hasn’t called in 2 days and I’m flipping out. I liked her a lot, but what if she thinks I’m not into her anymore? What if we do see each other again and I take my bra off and she realizes I’m not as well endowed as I led her to believe? Should I just toss the bra and the girl and start over?
ABC

Hi ABC,

Thanks for writing in! Oh gosh, don’t throw away the girl or the bra! Look, it’s not dishonest to make the most of your assets. Dating is frequently about selling yourself to the other person, it would be nice if looks didn’t figure into the equation but they do, at least in the beginning. However, you’ve been on four dates with this chick and she probably likes you for your personality too.

Amazing at any size, amirite?!

Plenty of girls wear padded or push-up bras, just ask anyone who’s accidentally brushed up against me at a bar. it’s a great alternative to breast implants and it’s an easy confidence booster. You are not alone. I believe it was Chilly of TLC that said, “Don’t get implants, just push ‘em up!” It was either her, or Shakespeare. I forget which one.

Anyway call your girl, ask her out on a date for a weekend night so she knows you like her enough to spend a precious weekend night with her. If you two get down and dirty after your date, just take the bra off like it’s no big deal. If you treat it like it ain’t no thang, she won’t think anything of it. She’s probably seen her share of padding in her life. If you make the mistake of being dramatic about it, she might think you are crazy. Remember, chances are she’s giving her ladies a little boost too.
Good luck ABC! Let us know how it goes.

Have a love/sex/relationship or dating question? Message me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/natasiarose

I was featured on Much2Inspired! What can I say, Enigma inspired me to write about the much-regretted drunk text.

Interview with the cast of “Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same”

Tags

actress, actresses, Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same, director, film, Interview, lesbian, LGBT, Love, MoMa, movies, Queer, relationships, sundance, writer

Can we please stop talking about porn now?...please?

Sooo as some of you know, over the summer I found out that the publisher of the website I was working for was actually a 60 year old man pretending to be a widowed deaf lesbian with twins.

Yeah. What less people know, is that three days before this story broke I did a great interview with writer/director Madeleine Olnek and actresses Lisa Haas and Jackie Monahan. Olnek wrote and directed the independent film “Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same” and Lisa Haas stars as the hapless humanoid that falls in love with said lesbian alien and Jackie Monahan plays alien Shane, basically. Who knew even aliens could feel Shane today?

The interview is hilarious, these ladies are funny, quick and intelligent. I had some trouble keeping them in line. Watch the interview! Do it!

Codependent Lesbian Space Alien has been making the film festival rounds and now it has come back around to NYC. You have two chances to see it at MoMA New Yorkers:

Saturday, November 19 at 6:00 pm: Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same @ The Celeste Bartos Theater (T3) Monday, November 21 at 8:15 pm: Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same @ The Roy & Niuta Titus Theater 2 (T2)

For more information on when/where you can see the film visit:

www.codependentlesbianspacealienseekssame.com

Are Lesbians More Dramatic Than Straight Women?

Tags

Dating, Drama, Dyke Drama, friends, gay, Gay community, lesbians, LGBT, Queer, relationships, Sex, The L word

These are my thinking glasses. Glasses make you look smart.

I do a lot of gay things. I hit up dyke bars, watch queer movies, read lezzie blogs and I’m noticing a trend. There’s a lot of talk about “dyke drama” and “dramatic lesbians.” It makes me wonder- are lesbians more dramatic than straight women?

I would say no. I know I’m dramatic. My penchant for the dramatic stems from my being a writer not from my sexual orientation.

Here’s my theorem (mad fancy word right? Just call me Professor Hot Femme) on why there is a lot of drama in the lesbian community: because we all date each other. We aren’t crazier than any other group of people, but once hooking up and romantic emotions come into play, that’s going to lead to drama.

Think of a large group of straight people of mixed genders that are friends. Like, remember when you went to college and your whole dorm floor became lovers and friends? Then by senior year everyone had dated everyone else and thank god you were all graduating because no one could stand looking at each others faces anymore?

I'll be there for you...when you impregnate our mutual best friend! Lesbians don't have to worry about THAT.

Or, think of the TV show Friends. There were three straight men and three straight women and that fueled like, 10 years worth of drama. I’ve only seen a few episodes of that show, but I’ve seen enough to know that it might not be a compliment when people say I remind them of Phoebe.

My point is, there’s going to be just as much drama once sex and feelings get involved in any group of people. Lesbians aren’t inherently more dramatic. BUT it is harder for us to get away from the drama. The group from your college dorm probably dispersed after college. The world is smaller, they probably comment on each other’s Facebook statuses and meet up for drinks once in a blue.

Let me illustrate dyke drama for you with pictures. Jenny dates Carmen.

For lesbians, it’s much harder to escape the source of the drama because if you are in the same city, chances are you are hanging out in the same places as all the other lezzies. So the drama doesn’t disperse like it does for other people. You are going to see your ex at ladies night at Bar 13, because the drinks are cheap and it’s a nice change from your usual hang outs. You’re going to be with your new girlfriend and she’s going to be with hers and someone is going to want to scratch someone else’s eyes out. That’s not dyke drama, that’s forced by circumstance drama. If straight people in NYC had to go to the same 3 bars every weekend and the rest of us had the run of the city, you can bet “dyke drama” wouldn’t be part of our vernacular.

Then Carmen dates Jenny's BFF, Shane. Shane cheats on Carmen, Carmen cheats on Shane with Robin (Jenny's ex) and then Shane leaves Carmen at the alter...in CANADA. INTERNATIONAL DYKE DRAMA.

There’s also a more complicated part of being here and queer. We can potentially hook up with everyone we know. Let’s look at Friends again. There would be serious ramifications if Monica dated one of Rachel’s exes. That’s The Rule for straight women, you don’t date a friends ex. Meanwhile, in your group of friends anything goes. Your best friend can date your ex and if you live in a town with 5 lesbians and know them all, you are going to have to put a smile on your face and be happy for her. Because who else is she going to date? Stop being selfish, shellfish eater.

But, unless you are an unfeeling lesbian cyborg, you also can’t turn off your feelings and this will lead to DRAMA. It’s the nature of the girl-on-girl beast. Luckily, dating women and being friends with women who date women is awesome enough to make it all worth it.

Shane and Jenny date and the lesbian circle of drama is complete.

So complain about the drama all you want. But remember, if you were straight, the drama wouldn’t disappear.

So what do you think? Are lesbians more dramatic?

It’s Liebster Blog Award Time!

Tags

boi, femme, grrl, lesbian, LGBT, Queer, The Liebster Blog Award

Whoy, Ah gots me an award Oi did! (that's my Cockney accent)

The lovely Conchsaladesque gave me a Liebster blog award! Woohoo. I rarely win anything, so this is a pretty big deal in Hot Femme land. Ahem, even if it came with the caveat that you need to read a few of my posts before you ‘get it.’ That’s her subtle way of saying, “this chick is cray cray.” But I’ll take it!

The Liebster Blog Award is all about  spotlighting newer, up-and-coming blogs that typically have less than 200 followers. 200 huh? To quote Petey Pablo, I ain’t quite there yet, but I’m getting better at it. Like Fight Club, there are rules to getting a Liebster Blog Award. Let’s peruse them together.

The Rules of Acceptance:

• Copy and paste the award on your blog
• Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
• Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog
• Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers

Does this sound kind of like a chain letter? Yeaaahhh. Iz ok. I don’t know how to choose just FIVE blogs to recommend, because I read and love a whole bunch. But I guess here are the ones I’m the most obsessed with.

Camilla at Girls Are Made of Pepsi: Camilla is the authority on all things queer. She’s smart, funny, fashionable and has a knack for knowing the kind of pop culture stories that interest 20-something lezzies. Also- she’s just supa fly.

Bren at Buzz Cuts and Bustiers: This is one of the first WordPress blogs I read. I love it! Bren is the ultimate expert on queer boi/grrl stuff. Anyone who loves all things boi needs to check it out, ASAP.

Lame Adventures Woman at Lame Adventures: The writing on this blog is tight. Lame Adventures takes everyday tasks and makes them hilarious. I have literally snorted coffee out of my nose while reading, so be prepared.

The Queer Girl in the City:  I like this blog because it’s honest and fun but also highlights some important issues like sexism, misogyny and homophobia. It takes skill to tackle issues like this in a relatable way, but she def does.

Tatiana at ParisianFeline: Very few things leave me speechless, but this blog usually does. Tatiana tackles topics such as beauty and the meaning of friendship in a way that will make you think…for awhile. She wrote one of my favorite blog posts ever with: Being Ugly and the Power of Beauty 

Ack! There are a ton of other blogs I want to include. Basically, if I take the time to comment on your blog, it means I heart you and your writing. Happy Saturday everyone!

The Minority Report: Baby, What’s Your Sign?

Tags

advice, aries, bisexual, cancer, costumes, Halloween, horoscope, lesbian, LGBT, libra, Love, pasties, playboy, Queer, relationships, Sex, sign, Stereotypes, zodiac

Arrgghh Matey's! I'm a half ass pirate brought to you by Playboy!

We’re finally moving on from Halloween around here. I know, I know. It’s been a pretty wild ride that made my blog a little NSFW. But the time has come to move on…sadly. All I can say is, I hope your Halloween involved women wearing nothing but bodypaint and/or plush Dalmation pasties. I know mine did! Anywho, back to business as usual.

Raise your hand if you check your horoscope every morning. I know my hand is up. I also read the horoscope for my wife and best friend…and out loud to my co-worker, so we can talk about what kind of day she’s going to have. Some of us take our astrological signs more seriously than others.

In this episode of the Minority Report, I, along with bloggers Cynthia and Brandi, tackle the concept of dating according to zodiac sign. Do you think sign compatibility is an important component to take into consideration when starting a new relationship or even accepting a date? Two of us think you should, one of us dissents.

Okay fine, I was going to make you watch the video to see, but I’m the one who dissents. I like horoscopes, they are fun and help you have a positive attitude. Like, if my horoscope says something good is going to happen to me today, I get extra excited. Even if I did stumble upon human feces on the way to work this morning, a good horoscope can completely turn my day around. But I don’t think it’s worth it to rule out a potential relationship because of sign incompatibility. That’s taking horoscopes WAY too far.

Watch to find out our reasoning and then join the debate in the comments! (P.s. The audio is low, so turn up da noise turn up da funk on your audio before you press play, as the kids say)

This video originally appeared here: http://bgalife.com/?p=1313