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If you're like Maxie, you slept through New Year's

The older I get, the more people I meet who hate New Year’s Resolutions. You’ve probably heard the most popular objections: “You’re not going to keep it anyway!” or “You could have decided to be a better person at any point in the year, but you DIDN’T!”

Well. Yeah. Those people have a point. But if you’re a goody-two-shoes Pollyanna like me, you’ve already made your New Year’s Resolutions list for 2012. Here’s mine!

1. Integrate working out into my social life

How specific is this right? I could have made it “lose more weight” but I didn’t. Do you all remember when I went on crazy working out times before Halloween? (Of course you do because I’m that important to you) My work outs are solitary, they consist of waking up before work, getting in as much cardio as I can stand with my earphones in and then getting my day started so I can go out to happy hour after work and drink all those calories back on.

Lez work out together!

So in 2012, instead of making exercise a pre-dawn chore, like milking cows, I want to dedicate more after work time to it. And maybe drag my friends along, so we can do something that doesn’t involve calories. Basically, I’m going to make everyone I know pay for me being out of shape. Who wants to hang out with me?!

2. Finish my novel. Yes! Hot Femme has been working on a novel forever. However, 2012 is the year it’s going to get done. Even if it means giving up trashy reality television…god I hope it doesn’t mean that.

3. Post on my blog more. I love making hot women laugh and this is the best way to reach as many of you as possible. If I didn’t laugh so hard at my own jokes, I would try stand-up comedy.

4. Be kinder to others. Just cuz I don’t want to get my butt kicked if I argue with the wrong person on the subway. Oh and like, peace on earth and stuff.

Save Babe! ...from me

5. Eat less animal fat. Why? I could say for health reasons, so no one judges me. But really it’s because, like most lesbians, I have warm and fuzzy feelings for animals and I hate how delicious they are. I want to save all the animals, not just the cute ones and I’m going to start by trying to break my own addiction to their delicious byproducts. If I succeed this year, maybe next year I can go full vegetarian. That’s called setting realistic goals.

6. Clean my apartment more often. New York apartments are tiny, they look fab when they are clean and like an episode of Hoarders when they aren’t. So yeah, this needs to happen more.

Some resolutions that didn’t make it on the list this year were:

  • Take Yoga everyday and become a Yogi.
  • Learn to age backwards, Benjamin Button style
  • Master the art of Tantric Sex.
  • Lose 100 pounds and dye hair blond to better resemble Portia de Rossi DeGeneres.
  • Convince Rachel Maddow to show me her boobs.
  • Discover the meaning of life and the reason for being.

Alright ladies, I’ve shown you mine, now show me yours!