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They look like they want to get the party started up in this b*tch! And you know what? I'm down.

I love dancing. After I strolled in early Saturday morning, my wife turned to me and asked “When are you going to be too old for this?” I’m pretty sure the answer is never. When my friends and I are Golden Girls, I hope that we are still dancing on tables at Senior’s Bingo Night.

I don’t think I’m too old. But there is another problem. I’ve completely forgotten how to dance with men. I don’t understand their rhythm or their bodies. It wasn’t always like this. When I was younger, I loved dancing with guys. That was high on my list of regular activities, go to frat parties, dance with guys and wake up the next morning to study.

When I was 20, I started making the transition from dancing with guys, to dancing with girls. Not like, straight girl on straight girl “ladies night” type of dancing, like real “maybe I’ll get lucky later” kind of dancing.

It was hard.

The first girl I danced with was another Latina, taller than me with long curly black hair perfectly styled to look wet and large hoop earrings with her name spelled out inside the hoop. A group of us met up before the party. Our conversation went like this:

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Boriqua NYC style: totes my type

Girl: Look! We’re both wearing sneakers!

Me: Yep! Guess we’re the gay ones.

Girl: Hahaha!

And then she kissed me. She thought I was funny and a kiss? I was pretty sure I had this in the bag. We got to the party and hit the dance floor. I was too confident. Both from the kiss and the numerous compliments I was used to getting on my dancing skills. Usually I danced around the guy, daring him to try and keep up and then eventually giving in with some closer dancing. Which is exactly what this girl did to me. And I couldn’t keep up. Every time I matched her rhythm with my hips she would switch it up and leave me in the dust again.

I felt like a big clumsy man. It totally blew.

Let's play spot the lesbian!

Luckily, I now have plenty of experience dancing with women and it’s a pleasurable experience for everyone. Especially for women who enjoy being picked up ‘Thunder Down Under’ style. But that’s a story for another time.

While my lady dancing skills have improved, my hetero dancing skills have totally disappeared. Usually when I go out to straight clubs I try to dance by myself and deflect the grenades that come my way by ducking behind my friends. Once in awhile, I will dance with a straight man, if I notice he has moves I’ll let him dance with me. This happened the other night and um. It didn’t end well for him. In addition to being completely confused about the way this guy was moving, I also forgot that he had anything between his legs. Basically, I kneed a perfectly nice guy in the nuts by accident.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Yup. So, is it easier for you to dance with men or women? Ever almost give someone a significant groin injury? Erm…I can’t be the only one right? …Right? Anyone?