Do you know what a merkin is? If you watched The L Word you do…remember that journalist or book reviewer who hated Jenny and then Jenny put her dog to sleep and dated her girlfriend or something? I don’t remember. To make a long story short- a merkin is a wig for your vag. Like if you don’t have any hair on it. Sooo there’s that.
I wasn’t clear on the point of a merkin until recently. I thought perhaps it was for practical reasons, like if your vag is cold or something. No one wants that part of their body to freeze off. It’s pretty important. But apparently the function of a merkin is decorative. Former Real Housewives of New York co-star Cindy Barshop owns a hair removal business that also provides vagazzling services. As the name implies, vajazzling is bedazzling for your vagina.
Vajazzling is something I can understand. I like sparkles and I like beaver. So put them together and great! Although it seems like rubbing on a body part that has rhinestones glued to it would irritate one’s skin…or tear it off, depending on the body part.
Anywho, the patrons of Cindy Barshop’s salon can now get the human hair waxed off their vag and have dyed pink fox hair or feathers glued onto their skin for the low, low price of 100 dollars! That’s an extra hundred on top of what you already paid to get waxed. Now you can get your animal cruelty fix while you actively throw your hard earned money down a rathole. I believe that’s what Oprah calls ‘multi-tasking.’ There’s a reason 20-something straight women are the demographic group most likely to file for bankruptcy. Because it’s not enough for them to get waxed anymore, not they also have to pay to add hair back ON once they take it off.
Next time anyone says that I’m ‘too pretty too be a lesbian’ or asks me ‘why do lesbians dress like men?’ I’m totally going to say “at least we don’t glue neon pink fox fur onto our vaginas!” and then storm off. Probably leaving a confused straight person in my wake.
Seriously, straight women, if you are reading this, just say no to merkins.
*This post is completely satire and not meant to offend any straight women. We all know the majority of women would never go for a product like this, and it’s ridiculous that anyone would consider marketing this to any woman, anywhere.