Ask the Femme: She’s Not Ready For a Relationship

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advice, ask the femme, coming out, crushes, Dating, just not that into you, lesbian, Love, Queer, relationships

Welcome back to “Ask the Femme.” Where I field your questions on love and dating. This week, we have a woman who is worried that her crush “isn’t ready for a relationship right now.” 

Hi,

I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years…. attractive, talented, all of that.  She was very sweet and friendly with me… and finally single!  But — she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while.  Not really in the market now.  (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.)  She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe… but she’s who I really want!

Moreover, my mom has a particularly high regard for her as well, so she’s the only person I know of that my family would support initially rather than questioning like, “What is she DOING dating a woman??”  How do I resolve this?

Thank you,

WS

Hi WS,

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but the girl you want? She’s just not into you. I hate using that expression, because life isn’t black and white and sometimes timing is off, things come up, etc. But my gut feeling is that she’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.

I know, it stings, but it’s not personal! You can’t force chemistry.

I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around and take you up on your offer. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.

Hey girl…this is your last shot if you want alllllll this!

As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents both as a new partner instead of having the”but you were straight before you met her” conversation.

Good luck, WS and keep in touch!

Have a question for me? Shoot me a Facebook message! 

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What She Means When She Says “LOL”

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advice, Dating, email, Facebook, flirt, flirting, funny, gchat, jokes, lesbian, LOL, online dating, Queer, relationships, texting, that's what she said

Women are complicated. Sometimes you need a decoder to figure out what the words they are saying actually mean. And when you’re talking about a lez relationship, it’s twice as hard. Which is why I’m going to help you decode what your crush/potential girlfriend is saying when she types “lol.” Let’s face it, most of us aren’t laughing out loud when we type it, especially not to a lady we might be into.

1) When “lol” means “I’m flirting with you”

I said “hi” and she said “hi, lol” …wtf does that mean?

Between text messages, Gchat, dating site messages, email and Facebook messages chances are if you like a girl, you and her are going to be engaging in a ton of written communication. Some girls add “lol” to the end of a sentence to indicate that they are flirting with you. Think of it as the IRL (in real life) equivalent of her flipping her hair, putting her hand on your arm or smiling at you with that goofy crush face smile.

Example 1: 

You: Nice weather today, I might take my dog for a walk. 

Her: Dogs love walking in nice weather lol 

This “lol” means, please ask me to take a walk with you, because I think you’re cute. 

Example 2: 

You: Chocolate chip cookies are my favorite! 

Her: Mine too! lol

This “lol” means, we have so much in common, you should totally go out with me.

Basically, in the case of the flirty “lol” it means she’s really glad you are talking to her, not that you’re the next Kathy Griffin.

2) When “lol” means “Please compliment me…now”

This “lol” is sneaky and you have about 30 seconds to react in the way She needs you to react before she totally freaks out. Let’s look at some examples.

Example: 

I think this sports bra makes my boobs look really small, lol

Okay, when a woman refers to any part of her body negatively and then adds an “lol” you need to tell her that body part is awesome, ASAP. Like for example, the girl in the picture says her boobs look small. There are several ways to respond.

“They look great, babe” 

“I like that they are cute and perky” 

“You only need a mouthful”

3) When “lol” means, “comfort me”

“My boss just reamed me out lol”

See also: “I just failed my chemistry test lol”

Despite the “lol” chances are She’s more upset about things than she’s leading on. Take this as a cue to be sensitive and there for her. Get her flowers! Orrrr simply respond with, “That sucks babe, anything I can do?”

4) When “lol” means “I’m really annoyed with you but I don’t want to scare you away”

This is really common in new relationships. The most common phrases:

“Were you flirting with that girl? lol”

“Are you really not going to spend the whole night? lol” 

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking she’s just kidding. She’s on the verge of being angry. The best approach is to tackle this head on and apologize…for whatever it is.

5) When “lol” means “I think you’re adorbs”

This one will come after you say something funny, even if she doesn’t really think it’s funny.  Luckily for you, she thinks you’re cute.

Everytime you send me a “that’s what she said” text, I’ll send you an “lol” back, even though that joke is a million years old.

What do YOU mean when you say “lol?”

Vintage Interview: Hunter Valentine

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gay, hot girls, hot lesbians, Hunter Valentine, Interview, Kiyomi, lesbian, LGBT, music, Queer, rock band, rock music, Showtime, The Real L Word

Hunter Valentine circa May 2010, from left to right: Laura, Kiyomi, Adrienne

Two years ago, a younger, stupider, more optimistic Hot Femme was trying to make her living as a full time blogger. Silly Hot Femme, everyone knows writers can’t make money on the internet! Anyway, the reason I’m bringing this up is because my very first video interview was with the rock band, Hunter Valentine. In 2010 the band was made up of Kiyomi, Laura and Adrienne, three incredibly hot, incredibly talented queer girls. Which honestly was enough, at the time, to make me nervous.

They totally thought I was some kind of legit journalist or whatever until the interview started and it was clear I was nervous and had no idea what I was doing. I can’t even watch this video now, because of how horrendous it was. BUT in light of finding out that Kiyomi is now starring on the upcoming season of The Real L Word, I thought I would bring this interview back. Snarking on The Real L Word launched my bloggy career, so I kind of owe the show. Just a little bit. Interview below, enjoy!

Stuff Fashion Designers Want You to Wear: Vagina Flap Skirt Edition

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asymmetrical hemline, Fashion, Game of Thrones, gay, Gone with the Wind, King's Landing, lesbian, Queer, Scarlett O'Hara, silly putty, skirt, Urban Outfitters, women, women's clothes

I don’t understand fashion. I understand clothes that look sexy, or cute, or comfortable or flirty or badass. But I can’t quite grasp why it is fashion designers try to outdo themselves to see who can get women to wear the craziest article of clothing they can manufacture. Today, I was walking by Urban Outfitters and saw THIS:

BEHOLD THE VAGINA FLAP SKIRT

Let me just say, I don’t have a problem with Urban Outfitters, but I think Urban Outfitters might have a problem with me. Let’s break this down, they think women want to buy a high waisted skirt, with elastic, that’s made of jersey the same color of silly putty after you’ve stuck it on a newspaper too many times. That wouldn’t be so bad, if it didn’t feature a cut out flap right over the part that the skirt is designed to cover. It reminds me of a fresh modern take on the curtain dress that Scarlett O’Hara made out of curtains. Only in modern times Scarlett was aiming for easy access.

The mannequin features the skirt knotted demurely at the knee, positioned in the right way to hit you in the knees as you walk, but really why stop there. Why not knot it as high up as you can and really get some air circulating up there. Or, throw it over your shoulder for that Game of Thrones “prostitute from King’s Landing” look.

I like the asymmetrical hemline look, but I cannot get down with this. Can you?