Tags
advice, ask the femme, coming out, crushes, Dating, just not that into you, lesbian, Love, Queer, relationships
Welcome back to “Ask the Femme.” Where I field your questions on love and dating. This week, we have a woman who is worried that her crush “isn’t ready for a relationship right now.”
Hi,
I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years…. attractive, talented, all of that. She was very sweet and friendly with me… and finally single! But — she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while. Not really in the market now. (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.) She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe… but she’s who I really want!
Moreover, my mom has a particularly high regard for her as well, so she’s the only person I know of that my family would support initially rather than questioning like, “What is she DOING dating a woman??” How do I resolve this?
Thank you,
WS
Hi WS,
I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but the girl you want? She’s just not into you. I hate using that expression, because life isn’t black and white and sometimes timing is off, things come up, etc. But my gut feeling is that she’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.
I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around and take you up on your offer. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.
As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents both as a new partner instead of having the”but you were straight before you met her” conversation.
Good luck, WS and keep in touch!
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I’m not sure I agree with the “she’s just not that into you” part. But if you plan on bringing home a woman soon, you should come out first. I believe “coming out” something we should have to do but unfortunately with society today, people get angsty if you don’t.
I agree that coming out is a necessary evil. I think maybe in the future, people will just take their partners home and no one will care what gender they are.
People not caring about gender? Ha… Sounds like a dream come true.
~C
I give it 20 years, 15 if we are lucky.
I hate that whole “I need a break from dating” because I never know what the hell that means. But in this case it sounds like she’s just not into dating, rather than “she’s just not into you.” So I like the advice of telling her “well, if I can’t have you, then hook a sister up!”
See, I don’t think I would ever offer to hook up a woman I was into with someone else. If I really wanted to date her, I would keep her around as a friend until I was ready, and stay out of her love life until then. I don’t really understand not being ready to date either, it’s just a date not marriage.
I hope this lady jumps on the chance to date my reader! obvs she’s missing out on a good thing 😉
Fabulous advice! Well said.
You always give such great advice!
Thanks! I loooove giving it!
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