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Hi Natasia,


Time for some tough love

I was wondering if you can answer some questions for me or perhaps give me some advice. I stumbled upon your blog while searching for lesbian coffee shops in NYC. Me and my husband moved to NYC from the South half a year ago. Since I was in high school and more actively in college, I have thought and messed around with women on very few occasions. I had actual relations with only one girl. That story ended up being a very destructive one which completely negated and perhaps suppressed every concept of women being together.   

I sort of came out to my boyfriend at the time I was messing around with my “girlfriend” and that boyfriend is actually my husband now. I also told some friends. I think I was caught more so in the moment to do that and later regretted it. I thought my feelings and thoughts about women were completely behind me until recently. 

My husband is away at work for three months and I keep wanting to venture out to some lesbian watering hole to see. See what? I am not sure. I am not sure what I should be looking for and don’t even know if that is a good idea. 

You know the whole idea about opening Pandora’s box and then being in a lot of trouble. I guess I don’t want to hurt my husband if I was to leave him yet again for the same issue. Also, I don’t think I am a lesbian or a bisexual person or anything of that sort. How do you know if you even know if you are one?  I hope this doesn’t sound too cliché, but I don’t know if my college experiences qualify as legit experiences to which attribute how I classify myself sexually. How do you know? 

At times, I feel like I got stuck in the fab of being temporarily into women (my friend in college fell into the same pattern, I feel like we did that together just for the fun of it because we were so bored with ourselves, as awful as that sounds).  I sometimes tell myself that it is absolutely gross, messing around with women that is. In reality I do that only because I am afraid to admit the truth to myself whatever the truth may be.  I spent a lot of time online trying to figure out if I want to go to Ginger’s Bar or places such as, to see if I am attracted to any women. However, I don’t think I would be able to go by myself and look. I cannot tell anyone either or ask for company. Plus, from what I read, a lot of places in NYC cater to non girly women that I often find attractive. I also don’t think it’s fair to lie to somebody that I am not married, if I do meet someone.  Any advice? Sorry about writing a book for you to read. Your blog is very interesting.

  • Honey

Oh Honey,

There’s a lot to unpack here. So much I barely know where to start. I’m sorry you are so conflicted. Let’s break it down.

First of all, you say maybe you were just into women because you were bored. Um. No. Not unless you have been bored through high school and college and while you were dating your future husband…who you cheated on.

Which brings me to my second point. You cheated on your boyfriend with a woman and then get upset with the whole concept of same sex relationships because it ended badly for you…because you were cheating on someone. That’s why it ended badly, not because it was two women. Because YOU were a liar and a cheater. I’m not judging you for this. Mistakes happen and people slip up.  I’m not monogamy’s biggest proponent, but you need to acknowledge that this is what happened and get rid of your victim mentality.

"Hey ladies, I just met the man I think I'm going to marry! Dating him is just so exciting that I'm super bored and want to stick my tongue in your mouth!" Said no straight woman ever.

“Hey ladies, I just met the man I think I’m going to marry! Dating him is just so exciting that I’m super bored and want to stick my tongue in your mouth!” Said no straight woman ever.

I know this sounds harsh; but you need to take responsibility for your actions and not pass your attraction to women off as “being bored” or trying to get yourself back on the straight and narrow by trying to convince yourself that girls hooking up with girls is gross. You are hurting yourself and you are hurting the person you are married too.

Let me tell you how I know you’re probably bisexual or a lesbian. Straight women don’t worry nearly as much about being queer as you do. If you were straight and maybe experimenting in high school or college, the ‘phase’ would be over by now since you’re married. If I thought you wanted just a friendship and someone to talk to about the queer experience, I would tell you how to made queerbros. Plenty of monogamous bisexual women have friends of both genders and all orientations and don’t sleep with them.

BUT I’m not going to tell you where to go to meet hot women. Because you want to cheat on your husband by sleeping with them, be torn up about it and then be like “girlsex is gross and always ends horribly!” That is, very clearly, what you would like me to sanction you doing. You don’t need my permission to “be bored” and have sex with a woman. Guess whose permission you need to do that?

Right, the permission of the person you married. So ask him! Tell him that you are lonely when he’s gone and want to explore your bisexual leanings. Tell him you’ve obviously been very conflicted and confused for most of your post-pubescent life and you would like a chance to mingle with some queer women and figure it out once and for all. If he understands where you are coming from, great! Go find a willing lady. If he isn’t into it, I recommend you go to a therapist and talk through your internalized homophobia and how to make peace with bisexual tendencies which you are unable to explore because you are monogamous with a man.

The last point I would like to make is that nowhere do you mention how happy you are with your husband or how great he is, blah blah blah. All that couple stuff and qualifiers I usually get from people in sexually incompatible partnerships is completely missing from this (long) email. You might want to examine your relationship and see if this marriage what you want, or if you need time to figure out yourself. There’s no shame in figuring out who you are and what you really want, but be honest about it.

Good luck, Honey. If you see me in Ginger’s, say hi!


The Femme

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