Stuff Fashion Designers Want You to Wear: Vagina Flap Skirt Edition

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asymmetrical hemline, Fashion, Game of Thrones, gay, Gone with the Wind, King's Landing, lesbian, Queer, Scarlett O'Hara, silly putty, skirt, Urban Outfitters, women, women's clothes

I don’t understand fashion. I understand clothes that look sexy, or cute, or comfortable or flirty or badass. But I can’t quite grasp why it is fashion designers try to outdo themselves to see who can get women to wear the craziest article of clothing they can manufacture. Today, I was walking by Urban Outfitters and saw THIS:

BEHOLD THE VAGINA FLAP SKIRT

Let me just say, I don’t have a problem with Urban Outfitters, but I think Urban Outfitters might have a problem with me. Let’s break this down, they think women want to buy a high waisted skirt, with elastic, that’s made of jersey the same color of silly putty after you’ve stuck it on a newspaper too many times. That wouldn’t be so bad, if it didn’t feature a cut out flap right over the part that the skirt is designed to cover. It reminds me of a fresh modern take on the curtain dress that Scarlett O’Hara made out of curtains. Only in modern times Scarlett was aiming for easy access.

The mannequin features the skirt knotted demurely at the knee, positioned in the right way to hit you in the knees as you walk, but really why stop there. Why not knot it as high up as you can and really get some air circulating up there. Or, throw it over your shoulder for that Game of Thrones “prostitute from King’s Landing” look.

I like the asymmetrical hemline look, but I cannot get down with this. Can you?

The Minority Report: Are You Ok With Your BFF Dating Your Ex?

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advice, best friend, best friends, bff, bisexual, Dating, ex, ex gf, ex-girlfriend, exes, gay, lesbian, lesbian dating, lesbian love, lesbian sex, Love, Queer, relationships, Sex, sex with your bestfriend

The lesbian community is small so we all date each other. You can’t get always get away from your exes after a painful break-up and sometimes they can’t keep their hands off your best friend. It makes sense, if she liked you, chances are she like someone who you have a lot in common with. What do you do? Do you let them be happy or do you cry at the dyke bar? I think it depends on the circumstances. Watch for more and let me know what you think in the comments!

If you are in NYC and would like to be in the Minority Report, shoot me a Facebook message!

Awkward Moments in Gay

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awkward, bisexual, gay, Gay Lesbian and Bisexual, happy hour, Jackie Warner, Jillian Michaels, LA, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Queer, that awkward moment, that awkward moment when, trans, WeHo, West Hollywood, Work

That awkward moment when you can't decide if you want to take a picture or make out

As everyone knows from my Angry Times at the Smoothie Shop post, I can be pretty outspoken. I usually drop the L bomb (that’s lesbian, not love) on friends of friends, coworkers, strangers as quickly as possible to avoid any potential gay jokes or derogatory comments that might be forming in their brain. I don’t assume that all people are homophobic or not open to gay people, but I do know that some people make questionable comments about other groups of people if no members of that group are around. I don’t want anyone to end up with egg on their face and I also don’t want to have to go on some LGBT rights crusade at the bar, so I nip it in the bud before anyone feels awkward.

But sometimes awkward happens…and it always leaves me completely speechless. Let’s start with This One Time At A Bar. Okay, so This One Time At A Bar a friend of mine organized a large happy hour made up of her friends who didn’t know each other yet. It was fun!

Lez make some new friends!

One girl in the group mentioned that she used to live in LA. LA for me, means hot queer reality TV star trainers, Jillian Michaels and Jackie Warner. Both of whom are frequently spotted at the Grrl bars in WeHo.  “Omg,” I squealed, “I would Love to go to LA! I hear West Hollywood is awesome!”

The girl replied: “You don’t want to go to West Hollywood, that’s where all the gay people are.” 

This is where I tell her I’m gay right? And like, make a stand for all people and stuff. I don’t. Because for some reason I am struck totally dumb and mute by the awkwardness of the situation. Some kind soul decided to change the topic and the chance to be here and queer passed. If I wasn’t so slow, I probably would have said something liiiiike…

The Bad Ass Approach: Throw that gauntlet DOWN, girl!

Maybe...that's where the gay people go to get away from you?

Ooooorrrr, the Smart Ass Approach: Throw her some homophobia and see if she plays ball

Actually, I like to stand outside gay bars and protest, so that's perfect

Awkward also struck at work recently. My wife got me an almost obscenely large bouquet of long stemmed roses and had it delivered to my office. The next day I was on the elevator with another woman who remarked “Your husband must love you very much, to get you those.” Although I’ve corrected people in the past. I didn’t correct her, I’ve heard that particular girl be weird about trans issues before and I couldn’t handle the awkwardness.

The Smart Ass Approach

He sure does! That's cuz I give great BJs! If you want flowers, you should work on it.

The Truth

Women are more romantic

How do you handle awkward moments?

Review of Blogologues: Younger Than Springtime

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Alone with Cats, Autocorrect, Blogologues: Younger Than Springtime, cat, Catching Fire, Cats, date, F U, Friday, Jezebel, Katniss, Katniss Everdeen, Lively Productions, Mockingjay, NYC, NYC Events, NYC Theater, parents, Players Loft Theater, Ryan Gosling, Stage, Suzanne Collins, Texts from last night, The Hunger Games, Theater, tweets, Weekend

Katniss...why are the odds never in your favor? WHY?

Like most 28 year old women, I spent most of this weekend curled up in bed, reading Mockingjay, the last book in The Hunger Games series whilst quietly sobbing.

But I did get out of the house long enough to go see Blogologues: Younger Than Springtime. The production, which you know if you read my interview with Jessica Schnall, the quirky lezzie blogger behind Alone…With Cats, features online content performed on stage as skits. It’s the kind of idea where you’re all like “why didn’t I think of that?” I totally wish I had because the show was awesome!

Awesome enough for me to allocate space for the program in my tiny Friday night party clutch. You know that's serious.

Taking funny online content and presenting it to an audience works because it takes the internet from a solitary place to a social place. Humans are social beings and humor is a social construct, so it makes perfect sense to take crazy Texts From Last Night and ridiculous tweets and read them to a room full of people. Somehow, it makes the experience more satisfying. Blogologues is able to crack up the entire audience just by projecting an imagine from F U, Autocorrect onto the screen.

It also helps to have a talented, energetic cast. The show starts Allison Goldberg, Jen Jamula, Dave Thomas Brown, Matthew Cox and Wendy Joy. I was particularly impressed with Goldberg, who managed to act out an entire blog post while running in place. Goldberg and Jamula conceived Blogologues and compiled the various featured online content with Cox. The variation of the tone and style of the blog posts is good for people with short attention spans ::cough cough:: I also liked that they included a gay lady blog and a piece on Ryan Gosling from Jezebel. Hellz yeah laydeez content.

It’s also pretty family friendly. Like, if you want to take your parents to the 8pm show and explain the internet to them through Blogologues you could. (Um, just make sure you’re cool with sitting next to them while someone sings a song about fucking outdoors) Or take a date to the 10 pm show. Blogologues runs until May 5th, so New Yorkers get on it. Click here for more info!

Misdirected Feminism at the Smoothie Shop

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all the things, chain store, discrimination, feminism, feminist, ftm, lesbian, meme, men, misogyny, mtf, Queer, smoothie, trans, women

Women make 77 cents to every dollar a man makes?! F U!

I’m an unabashed feminist. I will walk up to the most woman-hating, misogynist in the world and look in his eye and tell him to eff off because I’m a feminist. The only problem is um…maybe sometimes I’m way to excited to tell that guy to eff off. Most women, even among the most progressive, have stopped using the term “feminist” because it brings to mind, unfairly, someone unattractive who hates men. Using that term almost gives people a free pass to write you off. But I’m not scared to be that person. As I said before, I’m too eager to be that person. So, to make a stupid story short let’s get into it. I walk into my favorite smoothie shop.

This is what I look like on my way to get my smoothie. It's a pretty exciting part of my day.

When I get there, I get in line and notice that there are a few new additions to the menu. My eye stops on the new “MEGA MUSCLE XXL BULK-UP TIMES*” smoothie that screams “JUST FOR MEN!” in the description. All of a sudden, I’m so angry I’m blind. My internal monologue starts sputtering righteous indignation:

WHY DON’T THEY HAVE ONE FOR WOMEN?!

WOULD THEY EVEN LET ME ORDER A SMOOTHIE FOR A MAN?! I SHOULD JUST WALK UP AND DEMAND IT! I DON’T CARE IF THEY SAY I CAN’T DRINK IT BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN. WHAT IF I WAS TRANS IN ANY WAY?! FTM OR MTF, I DON’T CARE WOULD THEY LET ME ORDER IT THEN? THAT’S WHAT I’LL TELL THEM IF THEY DARE QUESTION ME!

With a plan in mind, I calm down enough to regain my sight. I glance back at the menu and see that they offer one smoothie just for men and two just for women.

Oops.

Sorry Everyone! No misogyny here! Keep movin!

 

*Names of smoothies have been changes to protect the innocent, non-discriminatory chain store.

Lesbian Memes!

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bi, birhtday, fantasy, forever alone, fry, gay, hipster ariel, internet memes, lesbian, LGBT, lip ring, Memes, one does not simply, Queer, Sex, that's what she said, y u no, y u no guy

Today is my birthday! The official day of self indulgence. I have a love/hate relationships with birthdays because on one hand, you’re older but on the other hand, it’s like your own personal national holiday.

I’m 28 years old today (although I totally have the skin of a 27 year old, Thanks Oil of Olay! WINK) and I’m totally indulging myself with my favorite thing. You guys know what I love? A good meme. They keep me amused for hours. But there’s totally a dearth of memes by lesbians for lesbians. What every queer girl needs is a meme of her own. So I’ve created a few for us, just for funsies. Enjoy!

Amirite?!

Forever Alone

Unrequited lesbian love

It actually requires a lot of planning. Holla fantasy nerds!

Let's go for it, ladies. Let's ask the deep questions.

The aftermath of sleeping with your ex's ex

Because I had to0

Sh*t Straight Girls Like: Merkin Edition

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animal cruelty, feathers, fox fur, gay, lbq, lesbians, LGBT, merkin, Queer, real housewives of new york, straight girls, vajazzle, waxing

This is the least disgusting example I could find

Do you know what a merkin is? If you watched The L Word you do…remember that journalist or book reviewer who hated Jenny and then Jenny put her dog to sleep and dated her girlfriend or something? I don’t remember. To make a long story short- a merkin is a wig for your vag. Like if you don’t have any hair on it. Sooo there’s that.

I wasn’t clear on the point of a merkin until recently. I thought perhaps it was for practical reasons, like if your vag is cold or something. No one wants that part of their body to freeze off. It’s pretty important. But apparently the function of a merkin is decorative. Former Real Housewives of New York co-star Cindy Barshop owns a hair removal business that also provides vagazzling services. As the name implies, vajazzling is bedazzling for your vagina.

Vajazzling is something I can understand. I like sparkles and I like beaver. So put them together and great! Although it seems like rubbing on a body part that has rhinestones glued to it would irritate one’s skin…or tear it off, depending on the body part.

Let's save the scissoring for your next art project

…ouchies.

Interspecies hair is so hot right now

Anywho, the patrons of Cindy Barshop’s salon can now get the human hair waxed off their vag and have dyed pink fox hair or feathers glued onto their skin for the low, low price of 100 dollars! That’s an extra hundred on top of what you already paid to get waxed. Now you can get your animal cruelty fix while you actively throw your hard earned money down a rathole. I believe that’s what Oprah calls ‘multi-tasking.’ There’s a reason 20-something straight women are the demographic group most likely to file for bankruptcy. Because it’s not enough for them to get waxed anymore, not they also have to pay to add hair back ON once they take it off.

Next time anyone says that I’m ‘too pretty too be a lesbian’ or asks me ‘why do lesbians dress like men?’ I’m totally going to say “at least we don’t glue neon pink fox fur onto our vaginas!” and then storm off. Probably leaving a confused straight person in my wake.

Seriously, straight women, if you are reading this, just say no to merkins.

*This post is completely satire and not meant to offend any straight women. We all know the majority of women would never go for a product like this, and it’s ridiculous that anyone would consider marketing this to any woman, anywhere.

Dancing With The Lesbians

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bar, bars, boriqua, club, clubs, dance, dancing, golden girls, hetero, in da club, ladies night, Latina, lesbian, LGBT, lgq, nightlife, nuts, Queer, rhythm

They look like they want to get the party started up in this b*tch! And you know what? I'm down.

I love dancing. After I strolled in early Saturday morning, my wife turned to me and asked “When are you going to be too old for this?” I’m pretty sure the answer is never. When my friends and I are Golden Girls, I hope that we are still dancing on tables at Senior’s Bingo Night.

I don’t think I’m too old. But there is another problem. I’ve completely forgotten how to dance with men. I don’t understand their rhythm or their bodies. It wasn’t always like this. When I was younger, I loved dancing with guys. That was high on my list of regular activities, go to frat parties, dance with guys and wake up the next morning to study.

When I was 20, I started making the transition from dancing with guys, to dancing with girls. Not like, straight girl on straight girl “ladies night” type of dancing, like real “maybe I’ll get lucky later” kind of dancing.

It was hard.

The first girl I danced with was another Latina, taller than me with long curly black hair perfectly styled to look wet and large hoop earrings with her name spelled out inside the hoop. A group of us met up before the party. Our conversation went like this:

Boriqua NYC style: totes my type

Girl: Look! We’re both wearing sneakers!

Me: Yep! Guess we’re the gay ones.

Girl: Hahaha!

And then she kissed me. She thought I was funny and a kiss? I was pretty sure I had this in the bag. We got to the party and hit the dance floor. I was too confident. Both from the kiss and the numerous compliments I was used to getting on my dancing skills. Usually I danced around the guy, daring him to try and keep up and then eventually giving in with some closer dancing. Which is exactly what this girl did to me. And I couldn’t keep up. Every time I matched her rhythm with my hips she would switch it up and leave me in the dust again.

I felt like a big clumsy man. It totally blew.

Let's play spot the lesbian!

Luckily, I now have plenty of experience dancing with women and it’s a pleasurable experience for everyone. Especially for women who enjoy being picked up ‘Thunder Down Under’ style. But that’s a story for another time.

While my lady dancing skills have improved, my hetero dancing skills have totally disappeared. Usually when I go out to straight clubs I try to dance by myself and deflect the grenades that come my way by ducking behind my friends. Once in awhile, I will dance with a straight man, if I notice he has moves I’ll let him dance with me. This happened the other night and um. It didn’t end well for him. In addition to being completely confused about the way this guy was moving, I also forgot that he had anything between his legs. Basically, I kneed a perfectly nice guy in the nuts by accident.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Yup. So, is it easier for you to dance with men or women? Ever almost give someone a significant groin injury? Erm…I can’t be the only one right? …Right? Anyone?

New Year’s Resolutions Are So Gay

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2012, animals, babe, blog, blogging, clean, DeGeneres, gay, lesbian, LGBT, lose weight, new year's resolutions, New York City, novel, Portia de Rossi, Queer, Rachel Maddow, reality tv, Sex, vegetarian, work out, writer, writers, writing, yoga

If you're like Maxie, you slept through New Year's

The older I get, the more people I meet who hate New Year’s Resolutions. You’ve probably heard the most popular objections: “You’re not going to keep it anyway!” or “You could have decided to be a better person at any point in the year, but you DIDN’T!”

Well. Yeah. Those people have a point. But if you’re a goody-two-shoes Pollyanna like me, you’ve already made your New Year’s Resolutions list for 2012. Here’s mine!

1. Integrate working out into my social life

How specific is this right? I could have made it “lose more weight” but I didn’t. Do you all remember when I went on crazy working out times before Halloween? (Of course you do because I’m that important to you) My work outs are solitary, they consist of waking up before work, getting in as much cardio as I can stand with my earphones in and then getting my day started so I can go out to happy hour after work and drink all those calories back on.

Lez work out together!

So in 2012, instead of making exercise a pre-dawn chore, like milking cows, I want to dedicate more after work time to it. And maybe drag my friends along, so we can do something that doesn’t involve calories. Basically, I’m going to make everyone I know pay for me being out of shape. Who wants to hang out with me?!

2. Finish my novel. Yes! Hot Femme has been working on a novel forever. However, 2012 is the year it’s going to get done. Even if it means giving up trashy reality television…god I hope it doesn’t mean that.

3. Post on my blog more. I love making hot women laugh and this is the best way to reach as many of you as possible. If I didn’t laugh so hard at my own jokes, I would try stand-up comedy.

4. Be kinder to others. Just cuz I don’t want to get my butt kicked if I argue with the wrong person on the subway. Oh and like, peace on earth and stuff.

Save Babe! ...from me

5. Eat less animal fat. Why? I could say for health reasons, so no one judges me. But really it’s because, like most lesbians, I have warm and fuzzy feelings for animals and I hate how delicious they are. I want to save all the animals, not just the cute ones and I’m going to start by trying to break my own addiction to their delicious byproducts. If I succeed this year, maybe next year I can go full vegetarian. That’s called setting realistic goals.

6. Clean my apartment more often. New York apartments are tiny, they look fab when they are clean and like an episode of Hoarders when they aren’t. So yeah, this needs to happen more.

Some resolutions that didn’t make it on the list this year were:

• Take Yoga everyday and become a Yogi.
• Learn to age backwards, Benjamin Button style
• Master the art of Tantric Sex.
• Lose 100 pounds and dye hair blond to better resemble Portia de Rossi DeGeneres.
• Convince Rachel Maddow to show me her boobs.
• Discover the meaning of life and the reason for being.

Alright ladies, I’ve shown you mine, now show me yours!

You’re Going to Have to Pay For That

Tags

bar, bouncer, club, cover, Dating, drinking, dyke bar, femme, friends, gay, girl bar, girls, grrl, Hot Girl, in the club, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Queer

Grabbing your friends ass probably won't get you into the grrl bar for free, but I'll be impressed

“Three for two discount?” My pretty straight friend purred to the bouncer outside NYC’s biggest dyke bar. “Nice try, sweetheart.” The bouncer replied. We forked over ten more dollars for the privilege of entry. Luckily for me, my straight friends are more than happy to pay the cover if it means they can drink and dance without men coming up to us every minute. They already know the drill, you’re not getting into the dyke bar for free.

At straight bars, I’m usually able to talk someone into letting me skip the line or the cover or both. At lesbian parties/bars I’ve gotten in for free once…ONCE!

Even she's only gotten in free once

There’s a few reasons for this. Lesbians tend to nest and stay home once they find their girlfriend. This gets even worse in the winter, when most of you just choose a girlfriend from the stable of girls you are currently dating specifically in order to avoid having to go out in a miniskirt when it’s cold. Yes, that’s a great reason to get into a relationship. Anywho, what this means is that the revenue for places that are lez bars 24/7 drops like your ex’s panties when she sees a girl with a lipring. Therefore, the prices for those of us who actually go are jacked up in order to keep the bar in business.

Basically, if we don’t pay the cover, NYC could end up like another major city (I’m looking at you Boston) that doesn’t have ANY 24/7 grrl bars. That would be a disaster. I’m sad just thinking about it.

No dyke bars? But where will I go to find my own kind?

The other reason is more irritating. Lesbians don’t care how cute you are. They really don’t. The bouncer knows that even if she turns you and your fabulous boobs away, there will be another great pair around the corner, who won’t complain about paying the cover.

I'll pay the cover...and make out with your girlfriend while your cheap butt is at home

The only way to get around paying covers or waiting on line is to become friends with the bouncer/bartender/owner. The owner of the bar, being the best option, so shoot for that one. I’m not talking like BS, shoot the breeze whenever you walk in kind of way. I’m not even talking in the dating kind of way. Dating any of the three people I mentioned is more likely to get you banned from the bar than in for free. You need to bring her soup when she’s sick, watch her dog when she goes on vacation and help her move when her girlfriend finds out about the chick with the faux hawk.

Yeah, this one

Is that worth it to skip paying the cover? Probably not. So we’ll just all keep paying, cuz lesbians are so awesome to party with that any cover would be worth it. Errmm…right?