Girls with Tattoos

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How hot are women with tattoos?

That’s a rhetorical question
(Image via pinuppeepshow)

I’ve always been crazy about ladies with ink. Luckily for me, most queer women seem to love getting them. Why are lesbians more likely to enjoy having strangers draw on them with indelible ink and sharp needles? Here are some hypothesis:

A) Girls who love girls are different, and we frequently choose to literally wear our uniqueness on our skin.

B) We are little sicko pervs who like the way it feels to get inked.

C) We are just awesome badasses.

Tattoos and dogs…it’s a grrl thing
(Image via fuck yeah girls with tatts)

I’ve wanted a tattoo for a few years now. But I’ve always been too scared of the pain and too unable to commit to any particular image. Until now.

I was so brave, you guys!

For any of you who are thinking of getting tattoo’s let me share with you what I’ve learned from this process. You know, the kind of things no one else is going to tell you.

Treat Your Body Like a Temple

You know how some women say, “I would never get a tattoo…why would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley?” That drives me crazy, because it implies that all tattoos are just ink and not actual artwork. The best way to combat this is by getting a tattoo that means something to you and fits your aesthetic. Do your body  favor and DON’T just walk into any tattoo parlor. You deserve the best artist in the most kick ass shop in your town. Personally, I went to Kristi Walls at East Side Ink. For those of you in NYC, White Rabbit is also known for it’s amazing artistry. For West Coast queers, Black and Blue Tattoo in San Francisco is a woman owned shop that has a mostly gay clientele.

Make it Meaningful

A few people have told me that 28 is too old to get a first tattoo and well…they are kind of right. I waited until I was completely sure of what I wanted to get. My tattoo is a simple black rose with the 8 compass points rising from it, in the shape of thorns. I wanted the Rose because it’s my grandmother’s name, and my middle name, and let me tell you my grandma is awesome. The compass points are there to remind me to have more confidence that my decisions will lead me down the right paths in life. So I don’t regret waiting.

It Hurts

This is my “I’m not too comfortable right now” face

Okay, so it hurts. But it hurts less than people tell you it will. After awhile it also kind of feels good. When people warn you that tattoos can be addictive, the good part of the pain is what they are talking about. What ABSOLUTELY NO ONE tells you is that it hurts AFTER. Mine hurt for about two days afterward, it felt like an intense sunburn. It will itch too, like really bad. You can’t scratch it though, so if you can’t reach your tattoo you are going to have to ask a loved one to smack it.

Also, if you are scared of the pain part of getting tattooed, pick a place without a ton of bone or nerve endings, consider sticking with black ink and less shading.

YOU WILL SHED

LIKE A SNAKE IN MOLTING SEASON! Well, that’s me being dramatic. What your artist will tell you after you get the tattoo, but that no one will mention beforehand, is that your tattoo will peel like a sunburn. A gross, gross sunburn. It won’t be cute.

hot tattooed girl Pictures, Images and Photos

She looks great now, but when her arm was healing she probably stayed home watching Sex and the City reruns…BECAUSE SHE WAS MOLTING

Don’t Get Tattooed In the Summer

Because you can’t sunbathe or go swimming for TWO WEEKS! It totally blew.

Interview with LEZ Factor Founder, Milly DuBouchet

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“How do you meet women in New York City?” That’s probably the question I get asked the most. There’s a perception that because New York is a huge city, it’s easier to meet people. The truth is, it can make it even harder. People already have a set circle of friends and breaking into a clique is rough, no matter where you are.

LEZ Factor: Teaching Lesbians the Science of Chemistry
Photography by Lauren Marie Marsh http://www.laurenmariemarsh.com

That’s why I want to introduce all my readers to LEZ Factor. If you’re a queer girl in NYC, chances are you have seen LEZ Factor everywhere lately, at the Pride Parade and in your friends’ Facebook feeds. LEZ Factor is the newest and easiest way to meet women in NYC. I sat down with LEZ Factor founder, Milly DuBouchet, to get the inside scoop.

Hot Femme: How did you come up with the idea for LEZ Factor? How long have you been around?

Milly Dubouchet: I’m in a loving, committed, long-term relationship – and I couldn’t be happier with life because of it. I guess I just wish everyone experienced the same type of love. That life-changing love. I figured I had to start somewhere, and I truly feel that a lot of women are missing out because they struggle with very fundamental social sticking points that keep them from attracting the right woman. Essentially, I’m helping women ultimately get to point Z by hand-holding them through points A, B, C, and beyond. We’ve been producing events for women since March 2011 but officially launched our coaching services in November of last year.

HF: How did you meet your partner?

MD: Delia and I met at Syracuse University during our undergraduate studies. We took an Economics class together. I wanted her the moment she walked into the lecture hall! We spent years in a flirtatious whirlwind and when it happened, boy did it happen! I’ve never looked back since. No matter how many women I was dating in college; no matter how many wanted access to my heart, it wasn’t possible. Delia already had it in a choke hold! lol Seven years later and she’s still my world.

What’s better than going home with a hot girl? Going home with a hot girl and her girlfriend.

HF: What makes you stand out from other dating services?

MD: LEZ Factor only caters to lesbian, bisexual, and bicurious women, so that sets us apart. It’s a “for us, by us” type of company. We’re also young, hip, and really big on dating with integrity. We encourage women to be their best selves and to challenge themselves to be the creators of their own romantic success. We’re not matchmakers and we’re sort of the antithesis of online dating! We’ll support you if you choose to date 5 women at once, so long as you place a high priority on being honest with all of them. A lot of folks put basic moral values on the back-burner while they navigate the single life, which can be really detrimental to their dating success. We place a strong emphasis on doing the right thing when we advise women, and I think that’s pretty unique in this day and age!

HF: You offer extensive “training” for your members. Why do you think it’s so much harder for queer women to make a connection and how do you think your advice differs from standard “pick-up artist” advice? (i.e. Mystery from VH1)

MD: While queer women share a lot of the same challenges that straight women do, we also have a few nuances that complicate things. Straight women generally expect men to make the first approach. For us, it’s not as black and white. We also have feminine presenting women who also date feminine presenting women. Their challenge is being perceived as straight because they don’t physically look like a stereotypical lesbian. I can go on and on! LEZ Factor takes these factors into account when advising women. The standard “pick-up artist” advice is generally male-geared and sex specific. Their objective is to get men laid – period! Our mission is a lot more humble than that. We truly care about empowering women to love themselves so that they can attract the women they want from the inside out.

Milly wants hot women to wrap their legs around you. That’s sweet of her.

HF: What is the most common mistake that you see more queer girls making when it comes to their social lives?

MD: One thing I’m noticing more and more of is the growing trend of online dating. Queer women are opting to date via the Internet as opposed to getting out and meeting some real, 3-dimensional ladies. Dating online is the perfect vehicle to construct perfectly worded profiles and messages but once you meet her offline, real-life challenges set in. I encourage women to get off of their computers and put themselves out there from time to time. It’s the only real way to grow socially.

HF: What are the three most important qualities that a woman can exude in order to land her lady?

MD: Confidence, authenticity, and a little bit of allure (among other things) can be a deadly combination! A woman who is unapologetic about who she is can be incredibly attractive – as long as she’s a good person, of course! At LEZ Factor, there’s also something we call the “SCALE of Magnetism.” It’s our secret formula for attracting women with little effort. You’ll have to attend one of our workshops for the scoop. 😉

HF: You’re Latina! I am too, do you think that Latinas face any specific challenges when it comes to dating that other women don’t?

MD: Well, I can personally attest to the fact that as a Latina, I’ve dealt with a ton of challenges when I came out to my family. Our culture is not exactly welcoming of all things queer, so I had a difficult time being accepted. It took them a really long time to come around. Once they came to terms with things, everything turned out great, but it was tough! Aside from the coming out process, I think Latinas deal with a lot of the same issues other women do when it comes to dating.

Not ready for a relationship yet? LEZ Factor mixers are also a great way to make friends, that could become “more than friends” someday.

HF: LEZ Factor also hosts events, tell me about them.

We host bi-monthly mixers to give women a chance to meet other women in a more intimate setting. We create a structure for them to practice their social skills while they talk about women and dating. It’s not the typical mixer where women are given a name-tag and sent off to network on their own. We create ice-breakers, burning topics, and break-out groups so they know exactly what the topic of discussion is, exactly what group of women they’ll speak to and for how long, and we give out fun prizes. 75 to 100 women in a room – all talking about women at once – is incredibly dynamic. It’s like an after-work mixer on steroids! lol

HF: Tell me about your partnership with Babeland, an LGBT friendly sex positive retailer.

MD: Babeland is an awesome establishment. They loved our concept and have been incredibly supportive of us since the beginning. We reached out to them for sponsorship in the form of giveaways for our launch party and they went above and beyond to be helpful. We’ve established a wonderful relationship ever since, and even produced some events together recently. I look forward to working more closely with them as we continue to build our brand.

Interested in finding out more? Find LEZ Factor online at www.lezfactor.com

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Hot Femme’s Guide to Successful Summer Lovin’

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Party Time Pictures, Images and Photos

When summer hits, think more “topless pool parties, bottomless depravity” than marriage

So you want to have a summer fling. I know most of you think you don’t need “rules” for summer love, but you do. Trust me. For a gay girl, not breaking out the U-Haul on the second date is totally counter-intuitive. I’m laying these out now because I know that come September, I’m going to be flooded with “Ask the Femme” emails that ask for advice on dealing with the girl that doesn’t text back anymore.

Why does this happen? Because a lot of people take on summer internships in different cities, or leave school to go back home for summer break, or are simply taking advantage of the less busy season to date, but will disappear when their workload picks up again, or maybe it’s as simple as summer time meaning party time.

Again, each situation is different and summer flings do have the potential to turn into more. Either way, it’s better to play this Cool Spice so you don’t get hurt or scare away your love interest.

1) Keep it light

Summer is not known as the season of introspection. In fact, it brain hibernation season. Think about it, most of us opt for fun beach reads instead of Tolstoy and shell out for summer blockbusters where “sh*t gets blow’d up.” So when you meet someone at a rooftop bar or a summer barbecue, don’t lead with serious conversation. Talk about the things that will keep a smile on your face and hers.

Like boobs! Who doesn’t love those? (Image via http://dyke-recovery.tumblr.com/)

2) Keep your expectations low

When you start talk to a girl, totally click and get the digits, it’s easy to let your brain automatically jump to the next step.

‘OMG WE BOTH LOVE DOGS AND WE WILL WALK OURS TOGETHER EVERY MORNING AND THEN DO THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE AND SIP STARBUCKS AND THIS IS AMMMAAZZZINNGGGGGG’

Stop. Right. There. A lot of the time, you don’t know if she’s just in your town for the summer. Or if YOU are the out-of-towner, you have no idea if the woman you just met is up for a long distance thang.

This rule might seem like common sense, but let me share a horrible Hot Femme story of dyke drama with you.

Oh no! Not a horrible one!

 Yes, a horrible one.

A long time ago, when I was single, I had a hot summer fling with a girl that was in town for the summer. Let’s call her Amanda. We went on awesome, inventive dates all over Brooklyn and I would stay over her place afterward…to um…play scrabble and stuff.

I knew Amanda was going back to where she was from when the summer was over, so it was all good. One weekend she said she couldn’t hang out because her dad was in town. Then I got a myspace message (yup, I had that) from her roommate telling me that Amanda’s dad was never in town, it was actually Amanda’s girlfriend.

My expectations were low, but they apparently weren’t low enough.

The moral of the story is some relationships aren’t meant to last forever, some are. Remember that meeting someone you like and getting to know them is valuable in itself. She doesn’t need to turn into your girlfriend for it to be a great experience for you both. And if it does work out? Then you can jump for joy because you totally didn’t see that one coming.

She likes me! She really likes me!

3) Keep it low maintenance

This is by far, the easiest rule. Find a make-up regimen that won’t melt off and make you look like a rodeo clown in the heat. Keep any thing you need to “touch-up” in your bag with you. I recommend a tinted moisturizer with SPF 15, a small compact with loose powder, eyeliner, a moisturizing lip gloss that also contains SPF 15 and blotting papers.

Wear clothes that are comfortable and loose and if they can’t be loose, at least try to make sure they are cotton. Sweat stains are not sexy. Same goes for shoes, wear footgear that you can walk in and that won’t give you blisters if you sweat and have some extra friction. Limping down the boardwalk? Not sexy.

Also, if you know that you will be outdoors and that you burn easily, put on sunscreen before you leave the house. No one wants make out with a lobster.

Except this chick…and she’s pretty hot soooo…now I don’t know anymore. Just put on freaking sunscreen cuz health.

4) Be up for anything

Not all of us are lucky enough to live in areas with beautiful climates. The summer is the time when most people try to cram as many outdoor activities into their schedule as possible. Being too high maintenance to rough it during the summer isn’t as adorable as it is in the winter, when you can offer a snuggle and a cup of hot chocolate.

If you followed the “low maintenance” rule, then you can easily go for a hike, chill at a rooftop bar, chow down on veggie burgers at a queer vegan BBQ, hit the beach, or play frisbee in the park. Summer is a great time to explore new activities. If you aren’t open to new experiences, your crush can probably find another girl to go out and play with her. Besides, who doesn’t love to try new things? Remember, the girl may not last, but if she taught you to love beach volleyball, you can keep that for always!

You got all that? Good.

Now go enjoy your hot summer.

Nothing Says ‘Pride’ Like the NYC Dyke March

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Dyke March banners from years past, on display at NYC’s LGBT Center

I love Pride month. For me, the highlight of June is when half the lesbians in NYC march down Fifth Avenue. The NYC Dyke March isn’t nearly as well known as the Pride Parade. As most of you know, large cities each tend to have their own Pride parade in June. In New York, the Dyke March always happens the Saturday before the main June Pride event, the parade. I went to the march for the first time last year, before then I literally did not know it existed and I’ve lived here my whole life. I had to go back again this year. That was my last Pride activity as I spent NYC Pride traveling to San Francisco and subsequently missed Pride in both cities! Which totally blew, but it was an amazing way to end my June gaylebrations.

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All that was left of Frisco pride by the time I got into town, sad face.

Didn’t make it to NYC Pride either? Check out one of my fav blogs,  Lame Adventures for a full report.

But I want to talk about the Dyke March, it’s been going on for twenty years, probably right under your nose and like me, you didn’t know about it. Basically, it’s awesome. I have to admit, I kind of like it more than Pride because it’s shorter and more like an old school activist rally than a parade.

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These lesbians march!

It started in 1992, when lesbians started marching for visibility after the NYC public schools decided to cut out any mention of the lesbians in schools. So a bunch of lesbians started protesting and called themselves the Lesbian Avengers. Then, they started protesting for civil rights and to protest violence against the LGBT community after a gay man and a lesbian were burned alive in their home. The Lesbian Avengers staged protests where they literally ate fire to bring attention to the violence against us. Pretty heavy stuff, and if you want the entire story, check out their website. The work these women put into the movement twenty years ago is the reason so many of us can be out and proud today.

So to celebrate and promote our visibility we walk, sans a permit, from Bryant park to Washington Square park. Oh and did I mention some women choose to protest topless? Yes. Yes they do. While it is undeniably hot, it also sharply calls attention to the double standard of men being able to go topless while on women it’s considered indecent. In this manifestation, bare female chests look beautiful, natural and powerful.

And then the topless women jump into the big fountain in the park…and get all wet. Did your inner perv just say “schawing?” Mine did.

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Washington Square Park in the Village, completely swarmed with lesbians! What LGBT event would be complete without overly priced rainbow merch merch for sale?

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Queer girls playing in the fountain on a hot day

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A lone topless marcher braves the middle of the fountain. Lezzie momma’s brought their kids, decked out in their finest rainbow attire!

If you haven’t gone, go next year. It is a beautiful thing to see, and you will be more moved than you think and feel more accepted for who you are than you ever have.
…and then go out and party, of course! This year I went to Siren, at the South Street Seaport, which of course, featured a mermaid theme and even more boobs!

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My fav mermaid ever and the lucky grrl that got to dance with her!

Gay rights and boobs! June is the best month to be a queer girl in NYC.

I Love Being a Lesbian: Body Acceptance Edition

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Pride month is halfway over and I thought I’d take this opportunity to write about one of the things I love most about being gay.

Umm besides the hot, hot lesbian sex, of course

I love the acceptance of the queer community of all kinds of looks. Straight woman have a very strict standard of beauty they have to adhere too. They can either be hot like Britney Spears hot or like Megan Fox hot. Society, parents and boyfriends constantly scream at them to be thinner, younger, whiter, blonder. This is what I call being “conventionally attractive.”

You can be the one on the right, or you can be the one on the left.

I’m not saying that lesbians don’t suffer from that kind of pressure or that we are perfect. But the truth is, we have a much more diverse standard of beauty than mainstream society. Conventional beauty is great, but unconventional beauty needs to be appreciated too, and in our community it is. No matter what your  look is I promise you are going to be able to find a girl that’s crazy into it. Lesbians are into a rainbow of different looks. Like, gay girls go crazy for the uber-curvy out rocker Beth Ditto, who would probably never be featured inPlayboy.

Go on with your bad self, girl!

We celebrate all backgrounds

Punk Lesbian! D Pictures, Images and Photos

We line up to make out with girls with piercings

We love women who smash gender conventions

Girl Tattoed Pictures, Images and Photos

Ink? Yes, please

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your look is the outer manifestation of who you are on the inside. It’s the face you choose to show the world and that’s why there are so many magazine, TV shows and books devoted to looks. Finding acceptance in this world is so hard. Queer girls all know that hot women come in all colors, shapes and sizes. No matter what you look like, you can be sure that you will find a sexy lid for your sexy pot. And I am so proud to be a part of that.

LGBT Wedding Trends For 2012

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Let’s get some Donna Summers playing up in this bitch.

It’s Pride month! Those of us who are single and ready to mingle are probably partying it up in the pride events that are taking place all over the country. However, for those of us that have been coupled up for years and have family members asking about babies, this time of year is more commonly known as wedding season.

Queer, straight or otherwise you are probably gearing up to attend someone else’s special day. Or maybe you are thinking of planning your own big event? Or daydreaming about the hot barista and planning a wedding before she even knows your name? Here are some of the top trends that the gays are employing into their nuptial celebrations so your big day doesn’t turn into a “My Big Fat Gay Wedding” disaster:

1. Destination Weddings

This trend used to be called “eloping” or “We’re going to Canada where it’s legal” but Destination Wedding sounds so much sexier, doesn’t it? Why is this trend popular? Because there is a one in 10 chance that you live in a state where same-sex marriage is legal, so most of us are going to be traveling for our big day so make it fabulous! Don’t sneak away by yourselves, hire a planner or quit your job and devote yourself to planning your big day in an exotic locale. Iowa, the gay-friendly state that could, is reporting a boost in tourism directly related to same-sex weddings. Giving back to a community that has recognized our rights is a great way to celebrate your love! Plus, I hear the corn is as high as an elephant’s eye there…or something like that.

This isn’t Iowa…but it looks awesome.

2. Joint Bachelor/ette Parties

File this one under Best. Trend. Ever. Joint Bachelor and bachelorette parties mean that the wedding isn’t going to be called off because someone got drunk and accidentally groped a stripper. If you can party with your spouse-to-be you avoid all the drama, hurt feelings, jealousy and anxiety that live hand-in-hand with these bashes. Or you can sleep with the stripper together! Whatever works.

Lez party…together.

3. Furry Flowergirls and Ring Bearers

I know lesbians, we love our pussycats but maybe putting them in our wedding ceremonies is crossing the line? Apparently, the answer is no. Cats in tophats and dogs in bridesmaid dresses are taking over the internet. I for one, am guilty of following this trend. My 3 pound Yorkie wore lilac silk to my wedding. The only rule to remember when putting your pooch in the nuptial line of fire is be kind. Make sure you have someone to put your pet someplace safe once the festivities are underway and make sure they have food and water. Plus, keep any animal tormenting children far, far away.

dog bridesmaid Pictures, Images and Photos

True confession? My dog might have worn a similar dress to my wedding. And it might come with a matching headband.

4. Same-sex Wedding Cake Toppers

Cute and kitch, many LGBT couples are opting to put two little Grooms or two little Brides at the top of their cakes. Wedding cake toppers have gone out of style among the hetero set, with outrageously priced and fondant sleek cakes being the norm. However, if you are queer- go ahead and shout it from the top of your cake!

5. Green Weddings

No, I’m not talking about color schemes, I’m talking saving the earth! Gays love a good trip down altruism lane and we have led the charge when it comes to environmental friendliness. When I got married, we contracted with a printer that used all recycled paper. This meant that our save-the-dates, invitations, menus, place cards and thank-you notes were all green! We also used a party bus to shuttle people to and from their hotels, that really cut down on the CO2 emissions and let our guests get as drunk as they wanted! Totally a win-win for all involved.

Signs She’s Just Not That Into You

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This isn’t about getting the girl, it’s about getting the right girl.

“He’s Just Not That Into You” was a huge cultural sensation for straight women when it first debuted on Sex and the City. Since there, there has been a book and a movie to demonstrate all the rules that straight women should follow to ascertain if a guy is into her or not. I’m not going to lie, there are parts of this that drives me crazy, like advising straight women not to make the first move on a guy she likes and instead be hunted, Bambi style. BUT I can also see the benefits of moving on and not wasting your time on someone who doesn’t recognize how great you are. After my post last week, where I suggested that a woman who was recently single used the expression “not ready to date” as a way to blow an interested lady off, I decided maybe it’s time to talk about how to recognize when a girl likes you likes you, as opposed to just liking you. This is going to be a kinder, gentler version of the “Not That Into You” playbook.

She’s Not That Into You If She Doesn’t Contact You Back.

Because this is advice aimed for queer women, I’m going to skip “if she never contacts you first.” There’s always confusion about who should contact whom in the gay world , so never be shy about making the first move. If she likes you or is on the fence, making the first move always scores major points. Even if she’s a boi and you’re femme. (Watch this Vlog for more insight on that, boi’s love a femme who can take initiative)

OK, so let’s assume you’ve met the girl and contacted her either by text, email, phone call, Facebook message, etc. Annnnnd no response. Alright, maybe she didn’t see your communication or she was particularly busy and it got buried under an avalanche of emails. If you really liked her, contact her one more time. If you don’t hear from her within 24 hours, consider it a lost cause, move on and don’t contact her first again.

Lesbians Pictures, Images and Photos

So cute together! Too bad She’s not over her ex and won’t ever bother texting this girl back.

Yes, there’s a million reasons you didn’t hear from her. But there’s so many ways to get in touch now, that there’s really no excuse for her to ignore you after you messaged her twice. Except of course…that she’s not that into you.

She’s Not That Into You If She Never Asks You Questions. 

Me? I’m washing my cat tonight…and every night for the next year. I’m really too busy to date.

When a girl does this, it means she either doesn’t care about getting to know you or that she doesn’t want to encourage communication. Let’s look at some examples:

You: Hey, I hear that the weather in your town is great today!

Her: Yeah it is.

If she liked you, she would have found a reason to keep the conversation going, or even use it as a way to get you to hang out with her. Let’s try this conversation again and see the difference.

You: Hey, I hear that the weather in your town is great today!

Her: Yeah it is, I’m going to go to the beach later. Are you a beach person? Want to come with?

Getting the picture? Let’s try one more.

You: Tanya told me that you wrote your thesis on the suffrage movement as seen through the eye of Lord Byron’s poetic works. That’s so awesome, I love Byron too.

Her: Yeah, it was okay.

You: I’d love to read it.

Her: Sure.

If she was into you, and you were discussing her passion with her, she would take the opportunity to either gush about it, or ask a question about you. In this case, she could have asked what your favorite Byron poem is. (Which is why God invented Google)

Anywho, the point is, you want a crush that ways to know about you as much as you want to know about her.

She’s Not That Into You If She Friend Zone’s You. 

Lesbi-friends…or make out.

There’s a lot of different signs that you’ve been put into the Friend Zone by a crush. Let’s start this section off with a confession, in my post last week, I said in response to a commenter, that “if she tries to set you up with someone else, she’s not that into you.” But I’ve totally done this. In college, I was in a long distance relationship  with Shane when I met Bette (names have been changed). I thought Bette was amazing! So much fun, cuddly, smart, artistic and I could tell she was feeling me too. But Bette also liked my friend Tina. So I set Tina and Bette up, they liked each other but were too shy to get anything off the ground. When Shane and I broke up, I started dating Bette, almost immediately. Right.
So let’s say, “if she’s single and she tries to set you up with someone else, she’s not that into you.”

Some other examples of Friend Zoning include:

Telling you about her crushes/hot women…constantly. Everyone does it once in awhile, but if you’re all like “Let’s get ice cream” and she’s like “OMG there’s this girl in my yoga class, sooo hot, she loves ice cream.”

Do you see what she did there? She didn’t say “I’d love to see you” or “What flavor are you getting?” So she’s your friend and she likes you, but you’re pretty far from her thoughts romantically.

If she flirts, but never delivers

Some women are natural flirts. If she confuses you by saying things like “we would be perfect for each other!” but always flakes out when you try to set up a date, or flat out ignores any serious attempts at dating, she doesn’t actually think you are perfect for her. Or if you do get her on a date and then after that she only wants to see you in a group of friends, it means she doesn’t want to continue dating you, but does care about you as a friend.

I probably get the most “Ask the Femme” questions revolving around women who give “mixed signals” because they are flirty and flakey. In some cases, these women are leading you on on purpose. Some people keep admirers around to boost their ego. The only way to get the attention of someone like this is to ignore her. Once you do, you might realize that you weren’t that into her.

If Someone Isn’t Into You, Don’t View it as Rejection

Tasha and Alice Pictures, Images and Photos

Find the girl that’s into you and don’t settle for less.

If a woman isn’t into you, don’t take it as rejection. It’s not. It just means that you aren’t the right choice for her right now. Maybe she has to grow, maybe you do, or maybe you two just aren’t meant to be. But you can’t wait around for someone who may or may not “come around.” Honestly, life is too short. Find a girl who gets butterflies every time you text her, who blushes when you flirt with her and who is as crazy about you as you are about her.

Ask the Femme: She’s Not Ready For a Relationship

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Welcome back to “Ask the Femme.” Where I field your questions on love and dating. This week, we have a woman who is worried that her crush “isn’t ready for a relationship right now.” 

Hi,

I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years…. attractive, talented, all of that.  She was very sweet and friendly with me… and finally single!  But — she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while.  Not really in the market now.  (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.)  She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe… but she’s who I really want!

Moreover, my mom has a particularly high regard for her as well, so she’s the only person I know of that my family would support initially rather than questioning like, “What is she DOING dating a woman??”  How do I resolve this?

Thank you,

WS

Hi WS,

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but the girl you want? She’s just not into you. I hate using that expression, because life isn’t black and white and sometimes timing is off, things come up, etc. But my gut feeling is that she’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.

I know, it stings, but it’s not personal! You can’t force chemistry.

I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around and take you up on your offer. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.

Hey girl…this is your last shot if you want alllllll this!

As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents both as a new partner instead of having the”but you were straight before you met her” conversation.

Good luck, WS and keep in touch!

Have a question for me? Shoot me a Facebook message! 

What She Means When She Says “LOL”

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Women are complicated. Sometimes you need a decoder to figure out what the words they are saying actually mean. And when you’re talking about a lez relationship, it’s twice as hard. Which is why I’m going to help you decode what your crush/potential girlfriend is saying when she types “lol.” Let’s face it, most of us aren’t laughing out loud when we type it, especially not to a lady we might be into.

1) When “lol” means “I’m flirting with you”

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I said “hi” and she said “hi, lol” …wtf does that mean?

Between text messages, Gchat, dating site messages, email and Facebook messages chances are if you like a girl, you and her are going to be engaging in a ton of written communication. Some girls add “lol” to the end of a sentence to indicate that they are flirting with you. Think of it as the IRL (in real life) equivalent of her flipping her hair, putting her hand on your arm or smiling at you with that goofy crush face smile.

Example 1: 

You: Nice weather today, I might take my dog for a walk. 

Her: Dogs love walking in nice weather lol 

This “lol” means, please ask me to take a walk with you, because I think you’re cute. 

Example 2: 

You: Chocolate chip cookies are my favorite! 

Her: Mine too! lol

This “lol” means, we have so much in common, you should totally go out with me.

Basically, in the case of the flirty “lol” it means she’s really glad you are talking to her, not that you’re the next Kathy Griffin.

2) When “lol” means “Please compliment me…now”

This “lol” is sneaky and you have about 30 seconds to react in the way She needs you to react before she totally freaks out. Let’s look at some examples.

Example: 

I think this sports bra makes my boobs look really small, lol

Okay, when a woman refers to any part of her body negatively and then adds an “lol” you need to tell her that body part is awesome, ASAP. Like for example, the girl in the picture says her boobs look small. There are several ways to respond.

“They look great, babe” 

“I like that they are cute and perky” 

“You only need a mouthful”

3) When “lol” means, “comfort me”

“My boss just reamed me out lol”

See also: “I just failed my chemistry test lol”

Despite the “lol” chances are She’s more upset about things than she’s leading on. Take this as a cue to be sensitive and there for her. Get her flowers! Orrrr simply respond with, “That sucks babe, anything I can do?”

4) When “lol” means “I’m really annoyed with you but I don’t want to scare you away”

This is really common in new relationships. The most common phrases:

“Were you flirting with that girl? lol”

“Are you really not going to spend the whole night? lol” 

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking she’s just kidding. She’s on the verge of being angry. The best approach is to tackle this head on and apologize…for whatever it is.

5) When “lol” means “I think you’re adorbs”

This one will come after you say something funny, even if she doesn’t really think it’s funny.  Luckily for you, she thinks you’re cute.

Everytime you send me a “that’s what she said” text, I’ll send you an “lol” back, even though that joke is a million years old.

What do YOU mean when you say “lol?”

Vintage Interview: Hunter Valentine

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Hunter Valentine circa May 2010, from left to right: Laura, Kiyomi, Adrienne

Two years ago, a younger, stupider, more optimistic Hot Femme was trying to make her living as a full time blogger. Silly Hot Femme, everyone knows writers can’t make money on the internet! Anyway, the reason I’m bringing this up is because my very first video interview was with the rock band, Hunter Valentine. In 2010 the band was made up of Kiyomi, Laura and Adrienne, three incredibly hot, incredibly talented queer girls. Which honestly was enough, at the time, to make me nervous.

They totally thought I was some kind of legit journalist or whatever until the interview started and it was clear I was nervous and had no idea what I was doing. I can’t even watch this video now, because of how horrendous it was. BUT in light of finding out that Kiyomi is now starring on the upcoming season of The Real L Word, I thought I would bring this interview back. Snarking on The Real L Word launched my bloggy career, so I kind of owe the show. Just a little bit. Interview below, enjoy!