Ask the Femme: She’s Not Ready For a Relationship

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advice, ask the femme, coming out, crushes, Dating, just not that into you, lesbian, Love, Queer, relationships

Welcome back to “Ask the Femme.” Where I field your questions on love and dating. This week, we have a woman who is worried that her crush “isn’t ready for a relationship right now.” 

Hi,

I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years…. attractive, talented, all of that.  She was very sweet and friendly with me… and finally single!  But — she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while.  Not really in the market now.  (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.)  She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe… but she’s who I really want!

Moreover, my mom has a particularly high regard for her as well, so she’s the only person I know of that my family would support initially rather than questioning like, “What is she DOING dating a woman??”  How do I resolve this?

Thank you,

WS

Hi WS,

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but the girl you want? She’s just not into you. I hate using that expression, because life isn’t black and white and sometimes timing is off, things come up, etc. But my gut feeling is that she’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.

I know, it stings, but it’s not personal! You can’t force chemistry.

I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around and take you up on your offer. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.

Hey girl…this is your last shot if you want alllllll this!

As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents both as a new partner instead of having the”but you were straight before you met her” conversation.

Good luck, WS and keep in touch!

Have a question for me? Shoot me a Facebook message! 

Ask the Femme: Are Push-Up Bras False Advertising?

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Adriana Lima, advice, ask the femme, bisexual, Bra, BRas, Dating, femme, gel bra, Padded bras, Push-up bras, Queer, relationships, Shakespeare, Victoria's Secret, water bra

Yeah, those are way too sexy to be real.

I’m a big believer in the power of a great bra. Push-up or padded, if you got ’em you might as well make them look great right?! I was recently informed that not everyone thinks this way. Some of you, apparently, are disappointed when you whip out your best “one handed bra unsnap” trick and…then…they’re smaller than advertised. Like, way smaller. Is that really so awful? You’re still going to sleep with a hot chick and her boobs are still hawt! So suck it up! And when I say “suck it up” I’m not just talking to my homogrrls, I’m including straight men in this too.

It could be worse, you could be a straight chick who has to deal with the “unveiling.” Straight/bi ladies, you know what I’m talkin’ about. Gold stars-just go about your business and don’t worry about it.

Straight women have even LESS of an idea of what they are getting into and it has the potential to be a lot worse. Scary worse.

Anywho, let’s get to the question from a girl who loves to push ’em up.

Hi Femme,
I recently bought a bra that has gel filled inserts. It makes my A-cup boobies look incredible. It’s become my standard date bra. I’ve been out with this girl I like four times and the last time, we had a really hot makeout sesh at my place. While we were kissing she tried to feel up my boobs but I had to put the kibosh on it (I didn’t want her to realize my boobs felt like tiny water balloons) and she went home soon after.

She hasn’t called in 2 days and I’m flipping out. I liked her a lot, but what if she thinks I’m not into her anymore? What if we do see each other again and I take my bra off and she realizes I’m not as well endowed as I led her to believe? Should I just toss the bra and the girl and start over?
ABC

Hi ABC,

Thanks for writing in! Oh gosh, don’t throw away the girl or the bra! Look, it’s not dishonest to make the most of your assets. Dating is frequently about selling yourself to the other person, it would be nice if looks didn’t figure into the equation but they do, at least in the beginning. However, you’ve been on four dates with this chick and she probably likes you for your personality too.

Amazing at any size, amirite?!

Plenty of girls wear padded or push-up bras, just ask anyone who’s accidentally brushed up against me at a bar. it’s a great alternative to breast implants and it’s an easy confidence booster. You are not alone. I believe it was Chilly of TLC that said, “Don’t get implants, just push ‘em up!” It was either her, or Shakespeare. I forget which one.

Anyway call your girl, ask her out on a date for a weekend night so she knows you like her enough to spend a precious weekend night with her. If you two get down and dirty after your date, just take the bra off like it’s no big deal. If you treat it like it ain’t no thang, she won’t think anything of it. She’s probably seen her share of padding in her life. If you make the mistake of being dramatic about it, she might think you are crazy. Remember, chances are she’s giving her ladies a little boost too.
Good luck ABC! Let us know how it goes.

Have a love/sex/relationship or dating question? Message me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/natasiarose

Online Dating: You Can With This, But She Won’t Get With That

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advice, ask the femme, body image, Dating, femme, girls, Hot Girl, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Love, online dating, pretty, Queer, relationships, Sex, texting

Houston, we have a pussycat problem. A gay one.

After my last post I received a lot of interesting messages about online dating. In fact, some of you even sent me real life online dating messages from potential future ex-girlfriends. After reviewing some of the messages, I’ve concluded that we have a problem. A big problem. [Insert the obligatory lame Houston joke here]

When you message someone over a dating site you have to remember that this is their first impression of you. The girl you are messaging knows nothing about you, she has no idea how awesome you are. If your first message sucks, she probably won’t even look at your profile to see if you are a good match. I’ve included some real life examples below. Let’s take a look at where this went wrong and how we can fix it.

Example One (same person):

Sep 25, 2011 – 10:47pm
Hey! How are you? 🙂

Sep 25, 2011 – 10:49pm
Btw I’m a huge packers fan lol that’s what made me go omg I really have to message this girl lol my parents r from Wisconsin lol

Sep 25, 2011 – 11:16pm
Obviously I’m not pretty enough lol have a goodnight

This girl, let’s call her Mel, starts off okay but things go south pretty bad. First- initial contact should be more than just a “Hi.” The train of thought that was trying to get through in the second message should have gone into the first one. Minus all the lol’s. One “lol” is good, but if you have an “lol” every five words then that’s the equivalent of nervous laughter. Not too sexy right? Yeah I didn’t think so. The second problem is that Mel is way too sensitive and defensive. Look at the time stamps- she gives the girl she thinks is cute less than a half hour to respond before she accuses the other girl of thinking she’s not pretty enough.

U have 27 minutes to respond to me or I'll stab you...3,2,1

DRAMA alert. The “lol” does nothing to make Mel seem less butthurt over not being messaged back instantly. If you are butthurt that easily, you aren’t dating material. This is what Mel should have written:

Sep 25, 2011 – 10:47pm

Hey,

When I saw your profile I needed to message you! We have a lot in common- I’m a huge Packers fan and my parents are from Wisconsin. Maybe we could talk about football and cheese sometime.

Have a great night!

I LOVE TO LOL

This is how a grown-up says hello. Even if Mel NEEDS to insert an ‘lol’ into this message because it’s part of her personality and GOD HOW CAN YOU SEND A MESSAGE WITHOUT LAUGHTER? WHAT IS THE WORLD WITHOUT LAUGHTER- the message would still be effective. The key here is to get the other person to see that they could hold a conversation with you about things they care about. Fixed? Great. Now on, on, on to the next one:

Example Two (same person):

9/26/2011 8:07:04 PM
we need to go out… you are beautiful!! sorry so blunt, but shoot!

Sent Date: 9/26/2011 8:16:51 PM
hey you took my breath…can I have it back??? hahah so cheezy I know lol.. I have to be able to laugh at my self, I am just going to throw this out to you, I want to get to know you, maybe go for a drink or text for a bit.. (haha i suppose the TEXT should come first, then the drink) anyway let me know, i think you are real easy on my eyes, and I just started this fish finder… dont laugh at my dog and I, I think we might be starting to look alike… YIKES! Haha

Again, we have multiple messages without waiting for a reply. This girl, let’s call her Toni, did a few things right. She showed her personality. No, the person she is writing too might not like enjoy self-aware cheesy pick up lines, but the right girl will find it cute. Toni keeps it light in asking for a drink or a text and throws in some compliments. I would think Toni is a funny lady IF she used correct punctuation, capital letters and hadn’t sent the first message at all.

The first message is the equivalent to a catcall on the street. It doesn’t mean anything and girls that are used to being called beautiful by strangers aren’t going to respond. The second message is better, but again, let’s write like grown-ups when trying to get a date. Also, the last sentence is a little too self depreciating. It’s a little too early to let the girl you think is beautiful in on any self esteem issues.

Oh hai, do you think I'm a dog?

NEXT!

Example Three:

Hi I’m [name redacted] I’m new to all of this and I’m not sure how to start getting to know people so I would like to give u
my cell number so we can get to kno eachother. I would really like to get to know you. Plz feel free to contact me
at [cell phone digits redacted]

This girl is either in high school or a prostitute. Or both! Don’t send a message that looks like this and never include your number in a first message.

Example Four (same person):

9/10/2011 8:26:19 PM
Hey, how’s your evening

Sent Date: 9/16/2011 4:12:28 PM
Hey, how’s your day going?

Sent Date: 9/16/2011 6:17:56 PM
Do I just suck

I'm so shy. But if you say something sweet I'll be brave enough to leave my cup

I admit it, I have a soft spot in my heart for this person. Let’s call her Jac. Jac’s opening email wasn’t strong. Like I mentioned in Mel’s case, you need to tell the other person why she should talk to you. After double checking with the recipient of Jac’s message, Tami, she said she didn’t respond because she didn’t know what to tell a perfect stranger about her evening. If Jac really wanted Tami to talk to her (and the multiple messages indicate that she does) she needs to give her something to talk about. Online dating is hard and replying to someone who sent you a message can be just as daunting as actually reaching out to someone. So assume the object of your interest is shy and help her out.

Now the “Do I suck” message cracks me up and someone like me would probably respond to that. BUT again, Tami wouldn’t. If Jac really wanted to know why Tami wasn’t interested, she could have asked in a more serious way. Something along the lines of “I thought we could be a good match- is there any reason why you haven’t responded to me?”

Feedback from Tami could have helped Jac in the future. In this case, Tami didn’t like the message. But maybe Jac’s profile picture looks too blurry or old and needs to be updated. Or maybe Jac didn’t have enough interests and activities listed on her profile and didn’t give a sense of who she really is.

So there you have it ladies! Now get out there and message someone. Message her reeeaaaalll good!

Usually this is where I ask if you guys have questions for me. BUT I’m going to turn the tables. Do you all get these kinds of messages? Is it really that bad out there? Tell me about it in the comments, studmuffins.

Ask the Femme: Online Dating is too Hard! Oh and Real Life Dating is too Hard Also

Tags

advice, ask the femme, Dating, ex, femme, friend zone, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, marriage, online dating, Queer, relationships, romance, runaway bride, soul mate, the one

If you go into every date expecting this to happen-it's not gonna work

Dating: 99% of us will have to do it at one time or another in our lives. And you know what? It’s not great. It’s stressful especially since the stakes are so high. Think about it: you are looking for your soulmate. That’s a pretty tall order and the pressure is bound to get to anyone eventually.

I always tell people to relax and enjoy dating, because one day you will get married and spend the rest of your life with someone. I got some great questions from you guys this weekend about dating. So let’s get down and dirty with it!

Dear Femme,

I’m trying online dating for the first time and I’m so overwhelmed. I get tons of messages that I don’t have time to reply to and it seems like every time I go online I get instant messaged. I have been on one date and it was a total bust. There is another girl from the site I am talking to, but I don’t think she’s my type. I think I am just going to give up. I have a full time career, a large circle of friends and family and volunteer in my free time. I just don’t think I have time to devote to this anymore. What do you think?

Pick me, choose me, love me

Online Bust

Hi OB,
Thanks for writing! First of all, don’t be overwhelmed. This process is supposed to be fun and exciting, not stressful! Take a deep breath and remember why you joined an online dating service in the first place, to meet someone who has the same interests as you. So carve out a chunk of time, turn off your cell phone, turn off the tv, hide your online status and go through your messages. Delete the ones that you think you won’t have any chemistry with, either for physical reasons or grammatical ones. Write back to the ones you like. Not to the ones your friends pick out for you, or the ones that look the most likely to piss off your ex the ones that you feel drawn to at first glance. Trust your gut, don’t second guess.

It's hard but you can do it, I believe in you!

The next step is to browse. Don’t let other women choose you, find women you would choose for yourself. Send them each a personalized message based on the interests you share. Don’t just copy and paste the same message over and over. By doing this you will take control of the situation and you will feel more proactive and less overwhelmed.

The last step, don’t talk to either the girl you met in person or the girl you are talking to. Don’t waste your time or theirs.  Good luck and let me know if you meet anyone!

Dear Femme,

I’ve been single for two years. It seems like every time I start dating someone, things go smoothly for one or two months and then she just disappears! I don’t get it. I don’t have sex with anyone until I think they are really interested (definitely not on the first date!) and everything always seems to be fine until the other person stops returning my calls. I’m not a needy person, I don’t call or text my dates every five minutes but I pay enough attention for them to know I am interested. What am I doing wrong? Thanks for your help!

Two Month Chump

Imagine this movie title is "Runaway Lesbian Date" There. Now it's perfect.

Hi TMC,

Thanks for writing! I’m sorry to hear about your predicament, it’s a pretty tricky situation. I don’t know much about you, but I’m going to try to give you the best advice possible.  There are several different possibilities.

1)      It’s not you, it’s them: What type of women are you choosing to date? What is the common thread? Do you tend to choose women who have just gotten out of long-term relationships? Do you gravitate towards women who aren’t looking for a long term partner?  Try to find out on the first or second date if your date is emotionally available or just looking for a good time. Usually you can just trust your instincts on this one. If she starts crying into her ice cream about her ex-girlfriend, she’s probably not ready to date anyone seriously. That’s your cue to cut her out or put her into the friend zone. This is the best way to ensure you don’t get your feelings hurt down the road.

You: "Nice Weather" Her: "MY EX LOVES WEATHER WAAAA" That's your cue to run away, Simba. Run away and never return.

2)      It’s not them, it’s you: What signals do you send to your dates? Are you sending them “friend zone” signals? Do come across as not wanting to be in a long-term relationship? Listen to yourself when you talk, do you talk about your ex too much? Do you talk about traveling the world with no ties or commitments to anyone or anything? These are red flags to girls who are looking to settle down with someone. If a month has passed and the girl is still around, talk about a future that applies to both of you.

Good luck, TMC and let me know if it works!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com or message me on FB http://www.facebook.com/natasiarose

Ask the Femme: The Real L Word Edition

Tags

ask the femme, bisexual, Celebrities, femme, friends, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Queer, reality tv, Sex, Stereotypes, The Real L Word, trashy, TV

This is the way, it's the way that we...lie topless in a heap?

I get a lot of questions about The Real L Word. Even though I only watched two or three episodes of season two, I devoted about 100 hours to thought, discussion and recapping the first season. Also, Rose from season one called me a bitch on Facebook and Nikki and Jill second that emotion, which means I’m still qualified to answer your questions. I’ve compiled a list of my most popular Real L Word questions into one post, for your convenience. Let us continue to beat this dead beaver into the cold, cold ground.

Are the Real L Word girls on Facebook?

Yes, yes they are.

Mikey is probably the only person in this picture who wouldn't punch me in the face. So she's my fav.

Can I friend them?

You can try, but most of them are at or are close to the 5000 friend limit or value their privacy. Many of them have fan Facebook pages, where you can “like” them and keep on top of their comings and goings and sometimes see pics of them naked/in bikinis. Yay!

Are they on Twitter?

Yes, google search their names plus twitter and it will pop up. I would list it for you but I’m lazy.

Can you tell me what Whitney’s tattoo’s mean?

No, see above lazy comment.

Do you have any pictures of Whitney lying down naked?

Fuck yea #Romiboobs!

Um no. How would I get those?! I don’t have any personal pictures of any of the women. You can try to get your own by going to one of the queer parties they frequent. One of my readers even saw boobs.

How do the girls on The Real L Word have sex?

Dude, you are obvs a str8 person who wants me to describe lesbian sex to you. just watch the show! They will show you how they do it. You don’t need to hear it from me or any other lesbian. Please, never ask a lesbian you meet in real life this question, it’s really insulting/annoying/creepy.

What do lesbians think of The Real L Word?

Dear Str8 Person- this is a completely reasonable and respectful question to ask. Thanks for restoring my faith in humanity. Okay, I can’t speak for everyone. From what I see, most younger (teen-20ish) lesbians love it and aspire to live it. The 25-35 bracket loves to hate it and when we are at our worst, we can admit that sometimes…it is disturbingly accurate of all the crazy. The 35plus bracket is too smart to watch this crap.

Maybe if Natalie had come back for season 2, I would have watched.

I have to admit that I love trashy reality TV and I’m addicted to it like a mofo. The first season of The Real L Word lagged in terms of interesting storylines and for some reason the second season just didn’t keep my attention. I can’t pinpoint the exact reason why.

My main problem with the show is that I don’t like that it shows the full blown act of sex. Most reality shows just imply it, but for some reason, the lone lesbian reality TV show has explicit porno scenes. In the original series, “The L Word,” there is a scene where Jenny’s book, “Les Girls” is being made into a movie. The str8 male director wants the actresses to actually have real sex, instead of just simulating it, like most movies. Jenny and Tina are disgusted, roll their eyes and nix the idea. Maybe Ilene Chaiken forgot about that scene, as she is the creator of both series. It’s great to have representation on TV, but we aren’t being treated like everyone else and that really grinds my gears.

If you have any Real L Word comments or questions, get them out of your system in the comments!