I Love Being a Lesbian: Body Acceptance Edition

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appearance, Beauty, body acceptance, body image, Dating, diversity, gay, gay girl, gay girls, lesbian, lesbian sex, LGBT, Love, Piercings, playboy, Pride, Pride Month, Queer, Rachel Maddow, relationships, sexy, Tattoos

Pride month is halfway over and I thought I’d take this opportunity to write about one of the things I love most about being gay.

Umm besides the hot, hot lesbian sex, of course

I love the acceptance of the queer community of all kinds of looks. Straight woman have a very strict standard of beauty they have to adhere too. They can either be hot like Britney Spears hot or like Megan Fox hot. Society, parents and boyfriends constantly scream at them to be thinner, younger, whiter, blonder. This is what I call being “conventionally attractive.”

You can be the one on the right, or you can be the one on the left.

I’m not saying that lesbians don’t suffer from that kind of pressure or that we are perfect. But the truth is, we have a much more diverse standard of beauty than mainstream society. Conventional beauty is great, but unconventional beauty needs to be appreciated too, and in our community it is. No matter what your  look is I promise you are going to be able to find a girl that’s crazy into it. Lesbians are into a rainbow of different looks. Like, gay girls go crazy for the uber-curvy out rocker Beth Ditto, who would probably never be featured inPlayboy.

Go on with your bad self, girl!

We celebrate all backgrounds

We line up to make out with girls with piercings

We love women who smash gender conventions

Ink? Yes, please

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your look is the outer manifestation of who you are on the inside. It’s the face you choose to show the world and that’s why there are so many magazine, TV shows and books devoted to looks. Finding acceptance in this world is so hard. Queer girls all know that hot women come in all colors, shapes and sizes. No matter what you look like, you can be sure that you will find a sexy lid for your sexy pot. And I am so proud to be a part of that.

The Minority Report: Hair Uncut

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bisexual, body image, coming out, Dating, femme, friends, girls, Hair, haircut, hairstyle, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Love, Queer, relationships, Sex

Do YOU think I look cray cray?

Have you ever had a moment when you realized you’re kind of insane? My moment came when I was watching back the first episode of my new webseries, “The Minority Report.” The webisode “stars” me and fellow blog-a-holic Cynthia, chatting about queer hair and what it means to our community in terms of visibility and hotness. I’ve been on camera before, I’ve done interviews with rock grrl band Hunter Valentine, various LGBT directors, actresses and comedians. The comedians are probably my favorite, they crack me up.

All these really required of me is to sit there, ask questions based on hours of bordering on obsessive research, listen to the answer and smile. It worked. It also cloaked me in the illusion of sanity. The Minority Report was my first time on camera not delivering a straight forward interview and next to my composed and thoughtful counterpart…I realized…that I’m a little out there.

Perhaps I should have been clued into this when my college sorority gave me the nickname “Quiet Riot” as in “You aren’t the loudest girl but everything you say is funny.” In sorority-land being “funny” isn’t a great thing. It’s much better to be skinny. It’s also better to be straight but I never got with that program either. I think I’m comfortable with my new found realization of the scope of my crazy.

Here’s the video so you can assess it for yourself:

Some reactions to this video have been:

1) Don’t cut your hair

2) You’re so stupid

3) You’re Quinn from Daria

4) Don’t cut your hair

What do you think of it? The next few episodes of The Minority Report feature a third “panelist” and is more like The View…but crazy. Like everything I’m even remotely involved in.

The Minority Report originally appeared here: http://bgalife.com/?p=1165 If you NEED more Natasia, you can check out my youtube page here: http://www.youtube.com/user/etane?feature=mhee

Gym-Timidation

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ballerina, beyonce, body image, brandi chastain, chelsea piers, fat, femme, gym, hot, lesbian, LGBT, model, new york sports club, paradise pirate, playboy, Queer, sasha fierce, sexy, soccer, work out, working out

Soccer players are hot. It's the law.

This morning I was working out and realized I was the only brunette. The girls running next to me were all blonde and lithe. One tall girl I work out with every day. I call her “Dayum Girl” as in “Dayum Girl, you are smokin’ hot!” or “Dayum Girl, you make me wish I could play sports so I could join your soccer team” or “Dayum Girl, I don’t know if I want to sleep with you or BE you.” (See my last post for more about that, apparently I have this problem a lot)

Dayum Girl really is on a soccer team, she’s also an aspiring model. There are a few of those. There are also a couple of Black Swan style ballerinas. Watching them use the treadmill bars to stretch before and after a workout is pretty exciting. (Umm not that I’m watching) I would expect to be surrounded by those types of girls at say Chelsea Piers or NY Sports Club, which boasts Beyonce as a member.

Do you think Bey works out as Beyonce or as Sasha Fierce?

Buuuuut I don’t belong to a fancy gym. I use the gym in my apartment building. It has a small weight room, plenty of cardio machines and is walled in by mirrors and TVs. Which blows for someone like me, who avoids mirrors at any and all costs.

There are a few reasons I avoid mirrors:

– My Sicilian grandmother believes that if you look at a mirror in the dark, the devil will come out.

– I saw that movie “Candyman” waaaay too young. The way it works is, if you say Candyman into a mirror three times he will come out and then bees will sting you to death while he watches or something. I don’t know but it left a lasting impression, okay? I’m a scaredy cat. Deal.

Nooo not bees!

– I don’t like looking at myself. At all. Body image issues blah blah blah. I can barely look in the mirror long enough to get my hair or makeup done and even that I prefer doing in as little light as possible. Sound crazy? Yes. But haven’t you been reading this blog long enough to know that already?

I have to go to the gym. I love eating and if I didn’t hit the gym hard, I would probably qualify to be a contestant on the Biggest Loser. Now that Halloween is coming up I’m in panic mode. Why? Because I’ve committed to wearing this costume:

Whhhhhat was I thinking?

So yeah. Working out everyday.

Deep, deep down I'm actually insecure...pssssssych!

So every morning I am surrounded by blonde models and ballerinas and mirrors. I choose to look at it this way: if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em. If you stop going to the gym because you feel like you are being judged on not being at the End Game of your fitness, you will never get there. And I bet if you asked any of those models at the gym, you would find out they are insecure too.

…Okay, that was totally a lie. They know they are hot. But you get the point. Gym-timidation: The best way to conquer it is to fake it till you make it.

Online Dating: You Can With This, But She Won’t Get With That

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advice, ask the femme, body image, Dating, femme, girls, Hot Girl, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Love, online dating, pretty, Queer, relationships, Sex, texting

Houston, we have a pussycat problem. A gay one.

After my last post I received a lot of interesting messages about online dating. In fact, some of you even sent me real life online dating messages from potential future ex-girlfriends. After reviewing some of the messages, I’ve concluded that we have a problem. A big problem. [Insert the obligatory lame Houston joke here]

When you message someone over a dating site you have to remember that this is their first impression of you. The girl you are messaging knows nothing about you, she has no idea how awesome you are. If your first message sucks, she probably won’t even look at your profile to see if you are a good match. I’ve included some real life examples below. Let’s take a look at where this went wrong and how we can fix it.

Example One (same person):

Sep 25, 2011 – 10:47pm
Hey! How are you? 🙂

Sep 25, 2011 – 10:49pm
Btw I’m a huge packers fan lol that’s what made me go omg I really have to message this girl lol my parents r from Wisconsin lol

Sep 25, 2011 – 11:16pm
Obviously I’m not pretty enough lol have a goodnight

This girl, let’s call her Mel, starts off okay but things go south pretty bad. First- initial contact should be more than just a “Hi.” The train of thought that was trying to get through in the second message should have gone into the first one. Minus all the lol’s. One “lol” is good, but if you have an “lol” every five words then that’s the equivalent of nervous laughter. Not too sexy right? Yeah I didn’t think so. The second problem is that Mel is way too sensitive and defensive. Look at the time stamps- she gives the girl she thinks is cute less than a half hour to respond before she accuses the other girl of thinking she’s not pretty enough.

U have 27 minutes to respond to me or I'll stab you...3,2,1

DRAMA alert. The “lol” does nothing to make Mel seem less butthurt over not being messaged back instantly. If you are butthurt that easily, you aren’t dating material. This is what Mel should have written:

Sep 25, 2011 – 10:47pm

Hey,

When I saw your profile I needed to message you! We have a lot in common- I’m a huge Packers fan and my parents are from Wisconsin. Maybe we could talk about football and cheese sometime.

Have a great night!

I LOVE TO LOL

This is how a grown-up says hello. Even if Mel NEEDS to insert an ‘lol’ into this message because it’s part of her personality and GOD HOW CAN YOU SEND A MESSAGE WITHOUT LAUGHTER? WHAT IS THE WORLD WITHOUT LAUGHTER- the message would still be effective. The key here is to get the other person to see that they could hold a conversation with you about things they care about. Fixed? Great. Now on, on, on to the next one:

Example Two (same person):

9/26/2011 8:07:04 PM
we need to go out… you are beautiful!! sorry so blunt, but shoot!

Sent Date: 9/26/2011 8:16:51 PM
hey you took my breath…can I have it back??? hahah so cheezy I know lol.. I have to be able to laugh at my self, I am just going to throw this out to you, I want to get to know you, maybe go for a drink or text for a bit.. (haha i suppose the TEXT should come first, then the drink) anyway let me know, i think you are real easy on my eyes, and I just started this fish finder… dont laugh at my dog and I, I think we might be starting to look alike… YIKES! Haha

Again, we have multiple messages without waiting for a reply. This girl, let’s call her Toni, did a few things right. She showed her personality. No, the person she is writing too might not like enjoy self-aware cheesy pick up lines, but the right girl will find it cute. Toni keeps it light in asking for a drink or a text and throws in some compliments. I would think Toni is a funny lady IF she used correct punctuation, capital letters and hadn’t sent the first message at all.

The first message is the equivalent to a catcall on the street. It doesn’t mean anything and girls that are used to being called beautiful by strangers aren’t going to respond. The second message is better, but again, let’s write like grown-ups when trying to get a date. Also, the last sentence is a little too self depreciating. It’s a little too early to let the girl you think is beautiful in on any self esteem issues.

Oh hai, do you think I'm a dog?

NEXT!

Example Three:

Hi I’m [name redacted] I’m new to all of this and I’m not sure how to start getting to know people so I would like to give u
my cell number so we can get to kno eachother. I would really like to get to know you. Plz feel free to contact me
at [cell phone digits redacted]

This girl is either in high school or a prostitute. Or both! Don’t send a message that looks like this and never include your number in a first message.

Example Four (same person):

9/10/2011 8:26:19 PM
Hey, how’s your evening

Sent Date: 9/16/2011 4:12:28 PM
Hey, how’s your day going?

Sent Date: 9/16/2011 6:17:56 PM
Do I just suck

I'm so shy. But if you say something sweet I'll be brave enough to leave my cup

I admit it, I have a soft spot in my heart for this person. Let’s call her Jac. Jac’s opening email wasn’t strong. Like I mentioned in Mel’s case, you need to tell the other person why she should talk to you. After double checking with the recipient of Jac’s message, Tami, she said she didn’t respond because she didn’t know what to tell a perfect stranger about her evening. If Jac really wanted Tami to talk to her (and the multiple messages indicate that she does) she needs to give her something to talk about. Online dating is hard and replying to someone who sent you a message can be just as daunting as actually reaching out to someone. So assume the object of your interest is shy and help her out.

Now the “Do I suck” message cracks me up and someone like me would probably respond to that. BUT again, Tami wouldn’t. If Jac really wanted to know why Tami wasn’t interested, she could have asked in a more serious way. Something along the lines of “I thought we could be a good match- is there any reason why you haven’t responded to me?”

Feedback from Tami could have helped Jac in the future. In this case, Tami didn’t like the message. But maybe Jac’s profile picture looks too blurry or old and needs to be updated. Or maybe Jac didn’t have enough interests and activities listed on her profile and didn’t give a sense of who she really is.

So there you have it ladies! Now get out there and message someone. Message her reeeaaaalll good!

Usually this is where I ask if you guys have questions for me. BUT I’m going to turn the tables. Do you all get these kinds of messages? Is it really that bad out there? Tell me about it in the comments, studmuffins.

Fall 2011 Nail Colors for Grrls and Bois

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2011, autumn, body image, boi, Essie, fall, Fall 2011, Fashion, femme, grrl, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, nail polish, OPI, Queer, trends

Despite the fact that I’m trying to hold onto summer tooth and nail, it appears that Fall is upon us. The only upside to summer being over is that fall fashion is one of the best times of the year. Knee high boot season? Yes please.

I have to admit I’m in a bit of a fall nail polish rut. Ever since OPI came out with their Russian line in 2007, I’ve been keeping my nails short and dark through fall and winter and covered in Midnight in Moscow. I prefer it to the other OPI fall/winter staple Lincoln Park After Dark because of it’s ruby undertones.

So I’m going to start shaking it up and luckily this season there are tons of awesome, surprisingly gender neutral tones to choose from. Taupes, greys, greens and dark blues and purples are in, so even if you can’t share your girlfriend’s clothes because they aren’t your style/size, at least you two can share nail polish this fall!

Power Clutch by Essie via http://www.mynailpolishonline.com

Let’s start with Essie’s Power Clutch. The color is a gray-green and it’s cute and edgy without being too feminine. Grrls can use this color to add an edge to their look and boi’s who like to paint their nails will find this to be a great alternative to black. Personally I plan to rock this color with a lacy pink tube dress and a leather jacket. OPI has a similar color for this fall, called “Uh Oh Roll Down the Window” which is inspired by New York City. It’s more of an olive green and def worth checking out for girls who are into green but don’t want to look like they have grass growing on their fingernails.

A Taupe the Space Needle via http://www.nailstah.com

OPI is also getting into the gender-neutral trend this season with “A Taupe the Space Needle.” This color is inspired by Seattle, WA and is a pretty taupe with camel undertones. Grrls can match their fishnets to this color while bois can rock it with a burgundy tie. For those of you who want your taupe without the hint of brown, you can

French Quarter for Your Thoughts

check out Essie’s Glamour Purse, which is a truer taupe. Or, as they describe it on their website “almond taupe.”

If it’s grey you are after, a great choice is “French Quarter for Your Thoughts” by OPI. This color is inspired by (duh) New Orleans Lousiana!  Grey goes with everything and will give you a clean and professional look, while still being unique.

I got my nails done yesterday and I chose Essie’s Sexy Divide (what does that even mean?). It’s a purple so dark it’s almost black. I love it but it’s a little too close to Midnight in Moscow, so I think I’m going for Power Clutch next time.

What will you be wearing this fall?

Sexy Divide via http://www.beautyofnewyork.com

Disclaimer: I don’t get any kickbacks from OPI or Essie, they just happen to be the only brands I wear. But if you are reading marketing teams, a kickback would be awesome, thanks!

Dear Femmes: Don’t Cut Your Hair This Summer

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bisexual, body image, Celebrities, Extensions, femme, Hair, lesbian, LGBT, Queer, Summer

Every summer girlie mags everywhere scream “SHORT HAIR IS IN” at us and provide examples of celebrities with cute short locks. “THIS IS WHAT YOUR HAIR NEEDS TO LOOK LIKE.”

Ladies, don’t fall for it. Here’s why:

1) Your girlfriend loves your long hair. She does, I know it, you know it and she hates whenever you talk about cutting it short. Now, you shouldn’t wear/look a certain way to make your partner happy. But you want her to be hot for you right? Just take her feelings into consideration.

2) In the Fall, guess what length of hair will be back in? Long! The same celebrities you saw sporting short hair two months ago will all of a sudden have hair that flows down to their waists. How do they grow their hair that long in just two months? They don’t. They buy thousands of dollars worth of hair extensions. Single women in their 20s are the most likely people to file for bankruptcy. Probably because we spend our money on fashion, beauty needs & hair extensions.

Here is what you should do instead of cutting your hair this summer:

1) Keep it trimmed by going to your hairstylist on the regular. Six to eight weeks is optimal.

2) Buy a hair masque or oil treatment from your local drugstore. Don’t get anything too fancy, you can find great Garnier, Herbal Essences or Suave products for under five bucks. Shiny hair always looks great in the summer, but it won’t just happen on it’s own.

2) Style it instead of cutting it. There are a million different ways to rock out even a simple ponytail. Play with low pony’s, high ponys, pony’s with a part, double ponies. Play with bobbypins to see what hairstyles look good on your face.

3) Invest in a good hot barrel curler. Soft loose curls and sexy waves are always popular in the summer and it’s an easy, no fuss way to look great at the beach.

Have fun and stay beautiful this summer.

I’m a Lesbian and I Don’t Want to Bang a Victoria’s Secret Model

Tags

body image, boobs, gumby, lesbian, models, thin, Victoria Secret

An Angel? Or Gumby with wings?

I know, I know. You don’t believe me, I barely believe me, but it’s true. I was watching TV with a friend, Sara, last week and a commercial for Victoria Secret came on. “You know,” Sara said, “Those women make me feel really bad about my body.” I was shocked. Not shocked that she “had a moment” because we all have those moments. Sometimes I see a beautiful woman and I’m like, “well, I might as well shoot myself in the face cuz obvs, there is no point in trying.”

Sara is beautiful, with long straight blonde hair that flows to her waist and at 5’5” she is only a size two. I’m not saying she looks anything like those Victoria Secret models, but if one of us was going to feel like crap, it should have been me. Not her.

But it’s not. Wanna know why? I don’t think those bitches are that attractive. I don’t want to look like them and I would never have sex with any of them. Yes, obviously I’m wrong. I can’t be right because men & other lesbians drool over them and straight women want to look like them. Still, I think they look like Gumby. Remember? The little claymation or whatever it was green guy and he had an orange horse friend. I think his name was Pokey. Yeah, they look like that. Their torsos are long and thin and their thighs are miles away from touching and they look like they have softballs sewn onto their tiny childlike chests. That’s not my type.

Don’t get me started on their faces. Okay, you got me started. They look exactly the same! They all have high cheekbones that could slice your thighs into ribbons (ahem, were their faces to ever be near that area). They are covered in make-up (or painted three inches thick, if you are an embittered prince who’s uncle killed his father and married his mother) and they are all white. If they aren’t white, they are airbrushed until they have Caucasian skin coloring and just a hint of their ethnic features. Leading us back to the beginning of this rant, they all look the same! Why don’t they just get one model and play with her face on photoshop? They would save a lot of dough. (Call me Vicki Sec’s, I’m totes available for consultation work)

Snark Break: a few years ago one of the models died of a heart attack related to anorexia. She stopped eating to keep her job and it cost her the rest of her life. That’s not funny and it’s certainly not sexy.

I know this isn’t the first rant about models and society’s obsession with thinness. But the fact that my gorgeous friend would feel less gorgeous because of these women makes me sad and angry. They shouldn’t be held up as an ideal and we can all start making that change by changing ourselves. If we don’t respond to these images, they can’t hurt us and maybe **gasp** they will go away.