Hot Femme’s Guide to Successful Summer Lovin’

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advice, boobs, crush, Dating, Dyke Drama, femme, gay, kissing girls, lesbian, LGBT, long distance, Love, Queer, relationship advice, relationships, romance, Summer Fling, Summer Love, Summer Loving, Summer Romance

When summer hits, think more “topless pool parties, bottomless depravity” than marriage

So you want to have a summer fling. I know most of you think you don’t need “rules” for summer love, but you do. Trust me. For a gay girl, not breaking out the U-Haul on the second date is totally counter-intuitive. I’m laying these out now because I know that come September, I’m going to be flooded with “Ask the Femme” emails that ask for advice on dealing with the girl that doesn’t text back anymore.

Why does this happen? Because a lot of people take on summer internships in different cities, or leave school to go back home for summer break, or are simply taking advantage of the less busy season to date, but will disappear when their workload picks up again, or maybe it’s as simple as summer time meaning party time.

Again, each situation is different and summer flings do have the potential to turn into more. Either way, it’s better to play this Cool Spice so you don’t get hurt or scare away your love interest.

1) Keep it light

Summer is not known as the season of introspection. In fact, it brain hibernation season. Think about it, most of us opt for fun beach reads instead of Tolstoy and shell out for summer blockbusters where “sh*t gets blow’d up.” So when you meet someone at a rooftop bar or a summer barbecue, don’t lead with serious conversation. Talk about the things that will keep a smile on your face and hers.

Like boobs! Who doesn’t love those? (Image via http://dyke-recovery.tumblr.com/)

2) Keep your expectations low

When you start talk to a girl, totally click and get the digits, it’s easy to let your brain automatically jump to the next step.

‘OMG WE BOTH LOVE DOGS AND WE WILL WALK OURS TOGETHER EVERY MORNING AND THEN DO THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE AND SIP STARBUCKS AND THIS IS AMMMAAZZZINNGGGGGG’

Stop. Right. There. A lot of the time, you don’t know if she’s just in your town for the summer. Or if YOU are the out-of-towner, you have no idea if the woman you just met is up for a long distance thang.

This rule might seem like common sense, but let me share a horrible Hot Femme story of dyke drama with you.

Oh no! Not a horrible one!

 Yes, a horrible one.

A long time ago, when I was single, I had a hot summer fling with a girl that was in town for the summer. Let’s call her Amanda. We went on awesome, inventive dates all over Brooklyn and I would stay over her place afterward…to um…play scrabble and stuff.

I knew Amanda was going back to where she was from when the summer was over, so it was all good. One weekend she said she couldn’t hang out because her dad was in town. Then I got a myspace message (yup, I had that) from her roommate telling me that Amanda’s dad was never in town, it was actually Amanda’s girlfriend.

My expectations were low, but they apparently weren’t low enough.

The moral of the story is some relationships aren’t meant to last forever, some are. Remember that meeting someone you like and getting to know them is valuable in itself. She doesn’t need to turn into your girlfriend for it to be a great experience for you both. And if it does work out? Then you can jump for joy because you totally didn’t see that one coming.

She likes me! She really likes me!

3) Keep it low maintenance

This is by far, the easiest rule. Find a make-up regimen that won’t melt off and make you look like a rodeo clown in the heat. Keep any thing you need to “touch-up” in your bag with you. I recommend a tinted moisturizer with SPF 15, a small compact with loose powder, eyeliner, a moisturizing lip gloss that also contains SPF 15 and blotting papers.

Wear clothes that are comfortable and loose and if they can’t be loose, at least try to make sure they are cotton. Sweat stains are not sexy. Same goes for shoes, wear footgear that you can walk in and that won’t give you blisters if you sweat and have some extra friction. Limping down the boardwalk? Not sexy.

Also, if you know that you will be outdoors and that you burn easily, put on sunscreen before you leave the house. No one wants make out with a lobster.

Except this chick…and she’s pretty hot soooo…now I don’t know anymore. Just put on freaking sunscreen cuz health.

4) Be up for anything

Not all of us are lucky enough to live in areas with beautiful climates. The summer is the time when most people try to cram as many outdoor activities into their schedule as possible. Being too high maintenance to rough it during the summer isn’t as adorable as it is in the winter, when you can offer a snuggle and a cup of hot chocolate.

If you followed the “low maintenance” rule, then you can easily go for a hike, chill at a rooftop bar, chow down on veggie burgers at a queer vegan BBQ, hit the beach, or play frisbee in the park. Summer is a great time to explore new activities. If you aren’t open to new experiences, your crush can probably find another girl to go out and play with her. Besides, who doesn’t love to try new things? Remember, the girl may not last, but if she taught you to love beach volleyball, you can keep that for always!

You got all that? Good.

Now go enjoy your hot summer.

Nothing Says ‘Pride’ Like the NYC Dyke March

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boobs, dyke, Dyke March, Fifth Avenue, Frisco, gay, Gay community, gay love, Gay Pride, gay rights, GLBT, gogo dancers, hot girls, hot lesbians, June, Lesbian Avengers, lesbian community, lesbian mom, lezzie, LGBT, New York City, NYC, Pride, Pride Month, San Francisco, sexy lesbian, village, Washington Square park

Dyke March banners from years past, on display at NYC’s LGBT Center

I love Pride month. For me, the highlight of June is when half the lesbians in NYC march down Fifth Avenue. The NYC Dyke March isn’t nearly as well known as the Pride Parade. As most of you know, large cities each tend to have their own Pride parade in June. In New York, the Dyke March always happens the Saturday before the main June Pride event, the parade. I went to the march for the first time last year, before then I literally did not know it existed and I’ve lived here my whole life. I had to go back again this year. That was my last Pride activity as I spent NYC Pride traveling to San Francisco and subsequently missed Pride in both cities! Which totally blew, but it was an amazing way to end my June gaylebrations.

All that was left of Frisco pride by the time I got into town, sad face.

Didn’t make it to NYC Pride either? Check out one of my fav blogs,  Lame Adventures for a full report.

But I want to talk about the Dyke March, it’s been going on for twenty years, probably right under your nose and like me, you didn’t know about it. Basically, it’s awesome. I have to admit, I kind of like it more than Pride because it’s shorter and more like an old school activist rally than a parade.

These lesbians march!

It started in 1992, when lesbians started marching for visibility after the NYC public schools decided to cut out any mention of the lesbians in schools. So a bunch of lesbians started protesting and called themselves the Lesbian Avengers. Then, they started protesting for civil rights and to protest violence against the LGBT community after a gay man and a lesbian were burned alive in their home. The Lesbian Avengers staged protests where they literally ate fire to bring attention to the violence against us. Pretty heavy stuff, and if you want the entire story, check out their website. The work these women put into the movement twenty years ago is the reason so many of us can be out and proud today.

So to celebrate and promote our visibility we walk, sans a permit, from Bryant park to Washington Square park. Oh and did I mention some women choose to protest topless? Yes. Yes they do. While it is undeniably hot, it also sharply calls attention to the double standard of men being able to go topless while on women it’s considered indecent. In this manifestation, bare female chests look beautiful, natural and powerful.

And then the topless women jump into the big fountain in the park…and get all wet. Did your inner perv just say “schawing?” Mine did.

Washington Square Park in the Village, completely swarmed with lesbians! What LGBT event would be complete without overly priced rainbow merch merch for sale?

Queer girls playing in the fountain on a hot day

A lone topless marcher braves the middle of the fountain. Lezzie momma’s brought their kids, decked out in their finest rainbow attire!

If you haven’t gone, go next year. It is a beautiful thing to see, and you will be more moved than you think and feel more accepted for who you are than you ever have.
…and then go out and party, of course! This year I went to Siren, at the South Street Seaport, which of course, featured a mermaid theme and even more boobs!

My fav mermaid ever and the lucky grrl that got to dance with her!

Gay rights and boobs! June is the best month to be a queer girl in NYC.

I’m a Lesbian and I Don’t Want to Bang a Victoria’s Secret Model

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body image, boobs, gumby, lesbian, models, thin, Victoria Secret

An Angel? Or Gumby with wings?

I know, I know. You don’t believe me, I barely believe me, but it’s true. I was watching TV with a friend, Sara, last week and a commercial for Victoria Secret came on. “You know,” Sara said, “Those women make me feel really bad about my body.” I was shocked. Not shocked that she “had a moment” because we all have those moments. Sometimes I see a beautiful woman and I’m like, “well, I might as well shoot myself in the face cuz obvs, there is no point in trying.”

Sara is beautiful, with long straight blonde hair that flows to her waist and at 5’5” she is only a size two. I’m not saying she looks anything like those Victoria Secret models, but if one of us was going to feel like crap, it should have been me. Not her.

But it’s not. Wanna know why? I don’t think those bitches are that attractive. I don’t want to look like them and I would never have sex with any of them. Yes, obviously I’m wrong. I can’t be right because men & other lesbians drool over them and straight women want to look like them. Still, I think they look like Gumby. Remember? The little claymation or whatever it was green guy and he had an orange horse friend. I think his name was Pokey. Yeah, they look like that. Their torsos are long and thin and their thighs are miles away from touching and they look like they have softballs sewn onto their tiny childlike chests. That’s not my type.

Don’t get me started on their faces. Okay, you got me started. They look exactly the same! They all have high cheekbones that could slice your thighs into ribbons (ahem, were their faces to ever be near that area). They are covered in make-up (or painted three inches thick, if you are an embittered prince who’s uncle killed his father and married his mother) and they are all white. If they aren’t white, they are airbrushed until they have Caucasian skin coloring and just a hint of their ethnic features. Leading us back to the beginning of this rant, they all look the same! Why don’t they just get one model and play with her face on photoshop? They would save a lot of dough. (Call me Vicki Sec’s, I’m totes available for consultation work)

Snark Break: a few years ago one of the models died of a heart attack related to anorexia. She stopped eating to keep her job and it cost her the rest of her life. That’s not funny and it’s certainly not sexy.

I know this isn’t the first rant about models and society’s obsession with thinness. But the fact that my gorgeous friend would feel less gorgeous because of these women makes me sad and angry. They shouldn’t be held up as an ideal and we can all start making that change by changing ourselves. If we don’t respond to these images, they can’t hurt us and maybe **gasp** they will go away.