Ask the Femme: She’s Not Ready For a Relationship

Tags

advice, ask the femme, coming out, crushes, Dating, just not that into you, lesbian, Love, Queer, relationships

Welcome back to “Ask the Femme.” Where I field your questions on love and dating. This week, we have a woman who is worried that her crush “isn’t ready for a relationship right now.” 

Hi,

I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years…. attractive, talented, all of that.  She was very sweet and friendly with me… and finally single!  But — she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while.  Not really in the market now.  (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.)  She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe… but she’s who I really want!

Moreover, my mom has a particularly high regard for her as well, so she’s the only person I know of that my family would support initially rather than questioning like, “What is she DOING dating a woman??”  How do I resolve this?

Thank you,

WS

Hi WS,

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but the girl you want? She’s just not into you. I hate using that expression, because life isn’t black and white and sometimes timing is off, things come up, etc. But my gut feeling is that she’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.

I know, it stings, but it’s not personal! You can’t force chemistry.

I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around and take you up on your offer. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.

Hey girl…this is your last shot if you want alllllll this!

As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents both as a new partner instead of having the”but you were straight before you met her” conversation.

Good luck, WS and keep in touch!

Have a question for me? Shoot me a Facebook message! 

They Call Them Crushes Cuz They Crush You

Tags

athletes, bisexual, college, crush, crushes, crushing, date, Dating, femme, friends, girls, ice hockey, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Love, Queer, relationships, school, Sex, university

I think about you a lot

I’ve been noticing a pattern on this blog. In fact, I thought about it all through the weekend as I hunkered down with my loved ones and our respective dogs during Hurricane Irene. It seems like many of you are crushing on women that you either:

1. Never ask out

2. Never talk to

Now ladies, this worries me. How can the world produce happy lesbian couples when we are too scared to talk to each other? Don’t give me the “I’m scared of rejection” crap. Rejection happens to everyone. I’ve been rejected tons of times. When I was young and single, I approached people all the time. I had to, otherwise I would have never met anyone. Most of the time it paid off and sometimes I had to deal with the bitter sting of rejection. One of the great powers of the human brain is that we can block out memories that make us unhappy. I can report that the memories of being rejected are hazy and the memories of a night gone right last for MUCH longer. Plus you get bragging rights. If you don’t talk to the hot girl with the lip ring, you can’t say to your friends “Remember the time I banged that chick with the lip ring?”

It’s scientifically proven 99% of queer girls have hooked up with a chick with a lip ring

Now, I realize as someone who is already married maybe you’re all like, “What does she know? She doesn’t have to deal with this kind of stuff anymore!” And you are right, I know very little. Barely anything in fact. However, I do have a story. A horrible, awful, embarrassing story. And I’m going to share it with you, because yours can’t be worse.

Gosh, I'm embarrassed

I went to a small school within a large university for college. So while my University had tens of thousands of students, my freshman class within my major only had about 150 people in it. We all had the same classes freshman year and continued on to basically fulfill the core of our coursework together over the next four years. When I entered college, I did so with a long distance boyfriend. I didn’t know I was gay but my boyfriend at the time had an inkling. When your boyfriend repeatedly asks you if you are gay, it might be an issue but that’s another story for another time.

Anyway so I walk into my first class on the first day of classes and you guys…a lesbian walked into class. A Canadian, ice-hockey playing, boi, to be exact. My heart started racing and I felt dizzy…and confused. I also lost any ability to speak. You know like words? She sat in front of me to the right, so I could sneak glances at her. I walked out of class that day completely freaked the eff out. As in…what the hell was that?

I almost forgot my name when I met Rachel Maddow. So if you can see a girl you like and retain the ability to speak, you’re a step ahead of me

 It wasn’t a one time thing. I lost the ability to speak every time I saw this girl and she was in 3 of my 5 classes…like for the next four years. She actually tried to talk to me a few times, as constant exposure to someone will prompt a sane person to do. I have no idea what I said back, but I think it was all one word answers. For example:

“Hi, where are you from?”

“Brooklyn.” 

Or

“Hey do you know if that AFL-CIO guy is guest lecturing in class later?”

“No”

And

“Are you going to the Dar Williams Concert?”

“Who’s that?” 

Being a blusher blows

I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought I was a huge jerk. Even after I came out, I always had a reason not to talk to her. Like “I’m in a relationship now” or “My ex is sitting right there.” (Dating in a small school is hard) While both of these are valid reasons, they were excuses. I could have found the time to talk to her if I had wanted too. Whether I was dating men or women, I was usually the aggressor. I dated other classmates, women I met at parties. I would just walk up to people, talk to them, get their number, ask them to dinner. Boom. There you got yourself a date. If they say no, just find someone else. That’s not to dismiss everyone’s fears about dating and rejection, it was never a process that intimidated me…but when Ice Hockey Chick walked by I blushed. Like turned beet red.

I never actually went to a game, but I don't think girls play ice hockey in bikinis

To this day I don’t know exactly why I was so afraid to talk to her. But I do know it’s root cause is a fear that goes deeper than rejection. When we put ourselves out there to another person, we are risking everything and asking the other person to do the same. Maybe I was afraid to talk to her because I was worried she would kill my romantic fantasy of her. She was the epitome of the strong, outspoken, athletic lesbian. She raised her hand in class and gave the long winded, liberal speeches in that I thought but never said out loud. Maybe I was scared to talk to her because I didn’t want to see her imperfections, the chinks in her armor. Maybe I didn’t want to see the things that made her vulnerable because I needed her to stay on her pedestal.

I’m not writing this as a “road not travelled” piece. I don’t regret not dating this girl, my life is going the way it’s supposed to go. But if you put every girl on a pedestal, if you let that fear run your life and the threat of rejection dictate your choices, you are going to miss out on someone amazing. So speak up.