You’re Going to Have to Pay For That

Tags

bar, bouncer, club, cover, Dating, drinking, dyke bar, femme, friends, gay, girl bar, girls, grrl, Hot Girl, in the club, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Queer

Grabbing your friends ass probably won't get you into the grrl bar for free, but I'll be impressed

“Three for two discount?” My pretty straight friend purred to the bouncer outside NYC’s biggest dyke bar. “Nice try, sweetheart.” The bouncer replied. We forked over ten more dollars for the privilege of entry. Luckily for me, my straight friends are more than happy to pay the cover if it means they can drink and dance without men coming up to us every minute. They already know the drill, you’re not getting into the dyke bar for free.

At straight bars, I’m usually able to talk someone into letting me skip the line or the cover or both. At lesbian parties/bars I’ve gotten in for free once…ONCE!

Even she's only gotten in free once

There’s a few reasons for this. Lesbians tend to nest and stay home once they find their girlfriend. This gets even worse in the winter, when most of you just choose a girlfriend from the stable of girls you are currently dating specifically in order to avoid having to go out in a miniskirt when it’s cold. Yes, that’s a great reason to get into a relationship. Anywho, what this means is that the revenue for places that are lez bars 24/7 drops like your ex’s panties when she sees a girl with a lipring. Therefore, the prices for those of us who actually go are jacked up in order to keep the bar in business.

Basically, if we don’t pay the cover, NYC could end up like another major city (I’m looking at you Boston) that doesn’t have ANY 24/7 grrl bars. That would be a disaster. I’m sad just thinking about it.

No dyke bars? But where will I go to find my own kind?

The other reason is more irritating. Lesbians don’t care how cute you are. They really don’t. The bouncer knows that even if she turns you and your fabulous boobs away, there will be another great pair around the corner, who won’t complain about paying the cover.

I'll pay the cover...and make out with your girlfriend while your cheap butt is at home

The only way to get around paying covers or waiting on line is to become friends with the bouncer/bartender/owner. The owner of the bar, being the best option, so shoot for that one. I’m not talking like BS, shoot the breeze whenever you walk in kind of way. I’m not even talking in the dating kind of way. Dating any of the three people I mentioned is more likely to get you banned from the bar than in for free. You need to bring her soup when she’s sick, watch her dog when she goes on vacation and help her move when her girlfriend finds out about the chick with the faux hawk.

Yeah, this one

Is that worth it to skip paying the cover? Probably not. So we’ll just all keep paying, cuz lesbians are so awesome to party with that any cover would be worth it. Errmm…right?

Bad Lesbian Halloween Costumes

Tags

bad halloween costumes, bisexual, breakup, catholic schoolgirl, costumes, Dating, drinking, femme, friends, Halloween, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Lilo, Lindsay Lohan, prisoner, Queer, relationships, Samantha Ronson, SamRo, Sex, sexy, Yoga Instructor

Remember how cute they were together?Not anymore. Totes dunzo.

I know, I know. There’s a lot of Halloween going on “up in this bitch” as the kids say. BUT, I can’t get enough Halloween. I have to say, Halloween is a great time to impress your crush with how hot/creative you are. I know some of you who thought my costume ideas were really inside the box (pun intended) have a few awesome, creative ideas for Halloween costumes. I’m sure they are going to be wunderbar but we need to talk about costumes that you should avoid wearing this Halloween.

Lindsay Lohan/Samantha Ronson

Ok, the urge to dress like these two can be strong. Especially is you are coupled up. However, it’s better to avoid dressing as these two. First of all, they haven’t been happy together since like 2006, so it’s all a little dated. These days SamRo is quietly dating a yoga instructor and steering clear of Lindsay whenever possible. Lilo went all stalkerazzi on Sam and bought an apartment in the same complex as her and it was all embarrassing and weird. Which is kind of a downer. Meanwhile, Lindsay’s problems are getting worse and worse AND the media is treating her like public enemy number one for really no reason. Does anyone even remember what she did? Yes, she’s a trainwreck, but she also never hurt anyone and there are plenty of celebrities who have, who are jail free. (I’m looking at you Charlie “McDomestic Violence” Sheen) So let’s leave Lindsay alone. NEXT!

Prisoner

Sometimes, the difference between sexy and trashy is obvious. Exhibit A.

Chances are, if you a blond/redhead and dress up as a prisoner everyone is going to think you are Lindsay Lohan anyway. And we’ve already discussed the reasons that isn’t good. You also have two choices for this costume, either bright orange or black and white horizontal stripes. As everyone knows, horizontal stripes are hard to pull off. But let’s say you are hot enough to pull it off- horizontal stripes in black and white might make the drunk girl you are drunkenly chatting up dizzy enough for the night to end with you holding her hair back. That’s not sexy. And bright orange? That color looks good on maybe 10% of the population. Soooo just say no to crime or drugs or whatever.
Catholic Schoolgirl

I’m not going to front like this costume isn’t sexy. It’s crazy sexy! But, it’s not really for Halloween. It’s just been done to death. It’s

I know what you're thinking. "Ooo it lights up so maybe this one is different!" No, no it's not. There will still be hordes of Catholic Schoolgirls who look just like you.

dead and gone, dead and gone. Like the love between SamRo and Lilo. That’s sad. Save this costume for when you and your lady are looking to spice things up in the bedroom.

Tampon/MaxiPad/Skidmark

Believe it or not, these costumes happen. Frequently. I’m not even going to include a picture, but if you are really curious Google it. For those of you who wear these costumes, listen up! You aren’t funny, you just make everyone want to barf all the Halloween candy they scarfed. You lose. No girls for you.

If you were planning on wearing any of these costumes, return it and try again!

Femme on Femme Invisibility

Tags

Bangs, Bush, Clint Eastwood, Dating, Dirty Harry, drinking, femme, friends, girls, Hot Girl, in the club, lesbian, LGBT, NYC, Queer, Seventies, Stereotypes, T.A.T.U.

Hello Kitty or Lesbo Kitty?

Last night, a young lady in daisy dukes and long straight hair to her waist held the elevator door at my apartment complex for me. She also pushed the button for my floor. So chivalrous, right? “Thanks!” I chirped. Anyone holding an elevator door is a rarity in NYC. Usually, they point and laugh as the doors close on you. We take our schadenfreude veeerrrrry seriously here.

Do you guys hold the door for straight women and they never say thank you? That’s why I don’t hold doors for them anymore. Also: the one with the juice box is the gay one. I just know.

Instead of “You’re welcome” she blurted out, “YOU’RE REALLY PRETTY!”

WHO ME? No way! We struck up a convo and around the 30^th floor, I complimented her and she gave me a goofy grinny face…the same kind I give when I’m smitten with someone I just met. Oh. That’s a surprise.

I had encountered a baby femme. A freakin’ ballsy baby femme, who reminds me of myself 6 years ago, before I became an old married lady and I totally femme invisibility-ed out on her! For those of you who don’t know, femme invisibility is the term used to describe queer women who feel unrecognized by both the gay & straight communities. I frequently blame femme invisibility on the fact that straight people don’t think about gay, it’s not something that’s ‘top of consciousness’ for them. So of course they will ask me if I have a boyfriend, even if I’ve mentioned my partner multiple times. They don’t think in “queer.”

But this is different. I’m a huge gay blogging gaymo. I can recognize other femmes if I’m in a queer settings. I.e. a dyke bar, Gay-Straight Alliance organization, LGBT volunteer event, queer themed art event. But outside of those situations, not so much. So I’m left with this question: If femme’s can’t recognize other femme’s, how can we hope for anyone else to recognize us?

Nope. Not actually gay.

I don’t know the answer. But I’m going to take a lesson from the baby femme I met last night and pass it on to you guys. If you think a girl is hot, just tell her and see what happens. I think this could be a revolutionary first step to eradicating femme invisibility.

On a completely unrelated note, I saw the Clint Eastwood 70’s classic “Dirty Harry” in Bryant Park yesterday. It had 70’s music, 70’s clothing and um…70’s bush on the BIG SCREEN. You know what? It wasn’t bad. Retro is really hot right now. The movie was cool too.

Bush in the Park

Penetrating the Posse

Tags

bars, bisexual, bribes, Dating, drinking, femme, friends, girls, in the club, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, NYC, Queer, relationships, Sex, wingman, wingmen

This is HER. She's worth the trouble.

So you are a happy single lady at a dyke bar, getting your drank on with some friends and kicking back. Then…you see HER. She’s exactly your type and deep down in your beer soaked heart, you know SHE could be the ONE…that you go home with. The only problem? She’s surrounded by friends on all sides and you have no idea how to get to her.

This is a serious problem that plagues dyke bars nationwide. It’s happened to all of us at one point and chances are your own buddies have done some unintentional lady-love blocking too. Let’s break this down together so we can stop the cycle.

You will need a strategy. Do NOT push through her circle of friends to get to her. Pushing her friends will make them mad. They will think you are a tool and you will not be granted access to HER. In fact, you might even get a beat down. Here are some better strategies.

Wingman Swarm

Wingmen exist specifically for situations like this. Have your group of friends descend upon hers. Have one buddy chat up the girl to HER left and one take the girl to HER right, leaving the center wide open. If you are a sportier dyke than I am, free free to insert some kind of sports reference in here, I don’t know any.

Discuss who is going to approach who beforehand, so no one gets hurt while SWARM-ing

The theory behind the wingman approach is that if HER friends feel sexy and are having a good time chatting up your buddies, they won’t be as protective of their other friends as they would be if they were bored. If everyone is being flirted with, everyone is happy. The drawback to this approach is if her friends aren’t cute, you will owe your wingmen beers. This can get costly.

Get With HER Friends

I can’t remember if it was Lord Byron or the Spice Girls who said “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Either way, it was said and it’s true. If you start by chatting up a girl on the edge of the group in a friendly, not a flirty way you can get into the inner sanctum. Start with a compliment, i.e. “I love your wallet chain!” and move to “So how do you all know each other?” Then grab another girl in from the group, “Jane says you all met in your women’s studies class. Queers in a women’s study class? No way!” Once these two girls like you, they will introduce you to some of the others and when you slyly buy HER a drink, no one will object.

The best part of this approach is that even if you strike out romantically, you will still meet a lot of cool women. You might also uncover a hidden treasure and be more drawn to a girl you overlooked in the beginning of your mission too.

Cuz girls love drinks

There are two potential pitfalls. The first being that the wrong girl will think you are into her and you won’t be able to make your move without insulting her. Or two, HER friend’s are douchebags/pretentious/boring. If this is the case, then chances are the girl you want isn’t that great either. Someone’s friends is a good indication of who they are.

Bribery

Buy HER and HER friend a drink. Whichever one is closest. Sometimes you will have to buy drinks for all 3,4 or 5 of them. This is probably the strategy with the highest success rate, but you gotta be a balla. So for most of us, this is sooo not an option.

So pick a plan and go get your girl! Share your worst/best experiences in the comments if you got any!

Songs About Your Ex Girlfriend

Tags

bisexual, Celebrities, dancing, Dating, drinking, ex girlfriends, exes, femme, heartbreak, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, music, NYC, Queer, rock, village

Last Saturday night Cleveland dyke band 11 After was performing in my hood. So I meandered on over to drink and listen to some grrl-band music. After a long week at work, it’s nice to kick back and listen to some grrls rock out.

11 After kills it at The Village Lantern. Check 'em out: http://www.reverbnation.com/11after

It got emotional.

My favorite song was an 11 After original Psycho Psycho. It reminded me of someone. Yeah, that chick was a total psycho! Amirite?! She was obsessed with me because I’m the effing shiz. High five bra! Half a vodka tonic I realized it would probably remind someone else of me. Actually, I know exactly who it would remind of me. Sobering thought. Need more alcohol.

Mistake.

When 11After’s frontlez starting wailing a kickass version of Chris Isaak’s Wicked Games, I might have

passionately yelled, “It was a wicked thing to do! God it was so wicked.” before clutching someone’s shoulder and wondering if tears would be too over the top. Then I noticed that one of the 11 After girls was unzipping her pants and lifting up her shirt. Crisis averted…this time.

Insert dirty caption here.

There are some songs that are going to trigger beer tears over an ex. Let’s take a stroll down ‘Suck it Romance’ lane and look at some of my favorite lesbian break up songs.

“Give Me One Reason”- Tracy Chapman

Give me one reason to stay here/ And I’ll turn right back around/Because I don’t want to leave you lonely but you gotta make me change my mind.

This song means: I don’t want to break up with you but you never call me and are sleeping with my best friend/ex-girlfriend/boss/mom. So unless you stop we can’t work it out. You are pretending to break up with the other person in order to save the shreds of dignity you have left, but at the end of the day we all know what’s happening. Ouchies. Lie to yourself enough and you’ll survive.

Pick me, choose me, love me. Or download 11After's new single, 'Choose Me' on itunes!

“Like the Way I Do”- Melissa Etheridge

Tell me does she love you/like the way I love you/Does she stimulate you/Attract and captivate you?

Why will this song make you cry into your mic on lesbian karaoke night? Because it’ll make you think “I’M SO MUCH BETTER THAN HER WHY DO YOU LIKE HER MORE OH GOD WHO WANTS TO DO SOME SHOTS?” Ladies, let me tell you, the shots will make things worse not better. Now take a breath.

“Rolling in the Deep”- Adele

The scars of your love remind me of us/They keep me thinking that we almost had it all. You had my heart inside of your hand/And you played it to the beat.

Technically Adele isn’t a lesbian, but she still gets to be on this list cuz it’s my list and my rules. This song will make you think of the girl who who painted rainbows onto your heart and promised to love

you forever…but then she decided to hook up with the chick on her football team instead. That one. You can’t even get away from this song because of it’s awesome club remix. Nice. There is no way to stop the tears this time. Go outside and bum a smoke off someone sexy before your mascara runs.

Your future ex girlfriends

“She Only Loves Me When She’s Wasted”- Hunter Valentine

I have a mini-wienermobile http://www.robingelfenbien.com

The title of this song speaks for itself. You know that ‘relationship’ you had with that straight girl? Yeah. She’s not really your girlfriend. You know that but this song hammers it home. You watch your queer girlfriends make out with their queer girlfriends and effffff. Here come the tears. You’re never going to really have her! This blows! Just like the str8 chick. Man up and make out with the hot single lez with the wallet chain and vow never to touch a str8 woman again.

Speaking of straight chicks. During the 11 After show, a straight girl slipped me her wiener while her date was in the bathroom. She was a comedian who likes to drive vans that look like wieners.

Do you have any songs that remind you of your ex? Leave them in the comments!

Horrible Pick Up Lines: NYC Dyke Bar Edition

Tags

bi, casual, dancing, Dating, drinking, hooking up, in the club, lesbian, NYC, pick up lines, Queer, rejection, relationships

A good pick up line leads to happy kitties

Talking to girls is hard. Being a girl who wants to talk to girls is even harder. Last night, I hit up a lez bar with some of my homo girls. There was drinking, dancing, connections were made and numbers were exchanged. There were also incredibly true, incredibly awful pick up lines that made me cringe. Ladies…we need to fix this. A cheesy opening line can be endearing but there are some blunders that you can’t recover from. Let’s look at some of the blunders from last night and see how we can prevent future trainwrecks.

1)      Are you gay?

I get really tired of people asking me if I am gay or not and if you open with this, I don’t want to talk to you. Society is so full of stereotypes about lesbians that I don’t want to deal with it when I’m around other queers. I’m at the gay bar, assume I’m gay. If the girl you are talking to at your local lez watering hole tells you she’s straight and is offended you hit on her, she’s the douche not you. She is also probably not as straight as she thinks. Just sayin!

Feel like this on the inside, not the outside

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m guilty of asking a girl if she was gay too. Picture this: A young baby dyke in Brooklyn heads to Catty Shack for the first time. She sees someone in a bar she thinks is attractive for the first time EVER! The girl looks just like Dana in The L Word! ZOMG. Baby dyke opens with HEY YOU DON’T LOOK GAY AT ALL! Faux Dana responds “NEITHER DO YOU!” and later goes home with the smooth stud that bought her a beer. Long story short: Don’t ask if she’s gay, just buy her a drink.

2)      Hey, are you trying to stick something up my ass? I mean…you’re really attractive

Yes, this happened. Never bring up anal sex while hitting on a girl. I hold this truth to be self evident.

3)      Girl, you got a booty!

Slow down! You haven’t seen it yet and with that kind of line you will never get too. It’s great to compliment a lady, but pick something that will make her feel special as opposed to making her feel like a piece of meat. “Nice smile,” “Nice eyes” or “You have gorgeous hair” will get you a lot further.

Don't be the third wheel. Just don't do it.

4)      Hey, you want to play pool?

Normally this would be a great pick up line! The problem? Don’t say it to two women who are making out with each other. They probably aren’t interested. It’s hard to tell which lesbians are in a couple and which are just out with their friends. But it’s not impossible and if you make a mistake, no biggie. But avoid women who are obvs together. Like, if they are making out, holding hands or (ugh) looking into each other’s eyes and grinning like fools, leave them alone.

5)      Hi you can call me ThePanda, I only give out my name for business reasons.

Girl, that’s not cool. You aren’t Ja Rule and giving out your government name to women to make them feel special isn’t going to work for you. Prove that you are a grown up and give out your real name.

Do you have any pick up line horror stories? Are you guilty (eek, like me) of using a bad one? Share in the comments!

Ask the Femme: Is My Coworker a Grrl or a Girl?

Tags

advice, coworkers, Dating, drinking, femme, friends, lesbian, relationships

It’s so hard to tell if a girl plays for your team or not, especially when it comes to the workplace. Should you ask her out even if you aren’t sure of her sexuality? Read more to find out!

Ask me a question, I promise to think reeeal hard about it!

Dear Femme,

I’m trying to ask out a girl, who is also the program assistant for my professional training program, but I can’t gauge her sexuality to save me. She talks flirtatiously with me, the only times I’ve ever seen her smile is when she sees me, I joke around with her plenty, etc., but today I tried to invite her out for drinks to return the favor for storing a small box with my stuff for me. But she declined on the basis that I had to stop thanking her for holding my stuff. Even though the training coordinators said they couldn’t hold all 16 of my classmates’ boxes.

Have I completely lost my chance? What do you think?

Lost in Translation

Ps. I’m moving to Europe for work at the end of August. We’ll still be colleagues, but she’ll be in the US.

 

Hi LiT,

Thanks for writing in! I’m going to tell you to forget trying to figure out if this chick is queer or not. Just go for it and ask her out. She might have declined drinks because she thought you only wanted to take her out because she did you a favor, not because you liked her. My guess is that she wants you to hang out with her because you WANT to, not because she did you a favor. You might have thought that was a thinly veiled excuse, she might have really bought it.

She obviously likes you, at least as a person if she’s straight, so you haven’t lost your chance. Come clean and let her know you want to go for drinks with her because you want to get to know her better. Something along the lines of, “We have so much fun at work, I want to get to know you better.” If she’s gay and there are sparks, you will know. If she’s straight, you will at least have made a new drinking buddy.

There is also a chance that she doesn’t want to get involved with you because you are colleagues. That can be a sticky situation, so you need to be prepared to be shot down. However, since you are also leaving the country in a few weeks you won’t have to face her every day for months if she shoots you down! You have nothing to lose, LiT, so go for the gold!

Let me know how it goes!

Xoxo

The Femme

Want some advice? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com or message me on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/natasiarose

Like One in Every 10 Women, I Suffer From Bitch Face

Tags

bitch, drinking, friends, socializing

I have a confession to make. I have Bitch Face and I’m scared that there isn’t a cure. You know what Bitch Face is, it’s that face you make when you are less than happy with whatever is going on in your current fishbowl. If you are lucky, no one notices the split second you have your Bitch Face on. However, I am always caught!

Do I hate you? No. I love you as much as I love my giant sombrero.

I must hold the expression too long or something and I always end up getting called out on it. The problem is, I’m not really a bitch! It’s just a face I make. I don’t mean for it to convey any lasting emotion of dislike towards whatever caused it.

Let me give you an example. Recently I was at a bar talking to a beautiful woman and she said something stupid.

Beautiful Woman: Did you like Backstreet Boys when you were younger?

Me: Oh yeah, totally. Quit playin games with my heart fool!

BW: Ha. Didn’t you hate N’Sync? I hated them because they were a rip off of the Backstreet Boys. They stole everything! Blah blah blah blah. Justin Timberlake, perm, blah.

There was Bitch Face. Poor BW withered in the heat of my glare and went to find someone else to listen to her passionate dissertation on 90’s pop bands. The worst part is that everyone can tell I don’t find BW’s conversation scintillating. “You hate that girl,” a friend said to me after the encounter. “I don’t! I like her. She just said one stupid thing, I say stupid things all the time!” [i.e. everything I’ve ever said or written on this blog] So I don’t hate BW, but she and everyone else think I hate her. Which really blows. Who knows all the potential friendships that haven’t blossomed because of my freaking face.

Bitch Face also happens when I see something I don’t like. This is the most problematic when I walk into a bar and it looks dirty or too crowded or I see someone I want to avoid. My friends see the Bitch Face come out and automatically assume I want to leave. “No, no!” I assure them, “I want to give it a try, my face will go back to normal soon. I promise. I’m sorry!”

The consequences? Whenever my friends want to go to that bar, they will look at me and say “But TAS doesn’t want to go there, so we can’t.” Then I will have to apologize for my face again.

What’s the moral of this story? If you see me and I look like a bitch, just come say hi. I’m actually really nice. Also, if you see a girl who looks like a bitch, don’t write her off. She could just have a really bad case of Bitch Face.