Sexy Valentine’s Day Gifts for Any Stage of Your Lesbian Relationship

Tags

bisexual, body paint, chocolate, chocolate body paint, Dating, flowers, gay, gay love, girl on girl, kissing girls, lbq, lesbian, lingerie, Love, massage oil, Queer, relationships, romance, romantic, roses, teddy bear, valentine's day

This is what you want to happen at the end of the night

It’s Valentine’s Day…again. As I get older, my feelings on the holiday get less intense. However, Valentine’s Day is possibly the most polarizing holiday out there. Is it a ploy by Hallmark to get couples to spend money? Is it really “singles awareness day” in disguise, sent to make you feel like crap because you aren’t in a relationship? OR, the more likely scenario if you are a gay lady, you just have no idea what to get your partner, you’ve waited till the last minute and you’re in trouble. Well don’t worry girls; I’ve got you covered with sexy suggestions for the perfect gift for your girl.

The “We Just Started Dating” Almost Relationship

So you two have been on two or three dates and with some bad timing, now Valentine’s Day is coming up. You don’t want to be clingy or act over anxious, chances are one or both of you are still seeing other people or just don’t know if you like each other yet. Basically, the key here is to be sweet without being desperate. It’s a hard line to walk. Here are some suggestions:

One smells sweet, 12 smells like desperation

1) A single rose: The single rose tells a girl, “I would really really like to have sex with you one day and maybe even love you” without it being overkill. Do not go for more than one rose, you will look desperate.

2) A teeny tiny teddy…bear! Girls love cute n’ cuddly. Preferably, get one that has a lil heart or is all decked out for v-day so you don’t need a card or anything that accompanies it.

3) Chocolate: Yay girls love chocolate! You can go the traditional heart shaped box route or be creative! If you know she loves kitkats more than life itself, get her a kitkat bouquet. Know she loves the purple m&ms the best? Go to Dylan’s Candy Bar (or if you don’t live in NYC, the mall I guess. Or like, move here) and get her a huge bag.

Chocolate? Yes, please!

Depending on how connected you feel to the girl, you can get her more than one of the above suggestions. But remember, don’t try TOO HARD. This is just the first one and if it works out, you will have to top it next year. Don’t make it too hard for yourself to top next year…or make yourself look like you want to U-haul with her.

The “New” Relationship

It’s been between 3 months and a year, so it’s your first Valentine’s Day together and you need it to be special. Like, you really can’t mess this up. So you are going to need to pull out some stops. Let’s drive right in:

1) Flowers at Work: Have flowers delivered to her workplace. STAT. This is how you warm your girl up for later and get her warm n; fuzzy feelings flowing towards you.

2) Fancy Dinner: You can go out or you can cook it for her, but this needs to happen. Now, let’s get into the optional part of the V-day program.

3) Jewelry: Don’t get all fancy with the jewelry. Get her something low key and tasteful, if you are going to do it. You might want to check out her favorite website or a store she shops at a lot to get an idea of what she might want. Set a price limit so you don’t break your bank, this is more about the thought than impressing her with your spending power.

4) Lingerie: Ah Lingerie, there are many schools of thought about this. Basically, you know if this is something your girl would like or not. It’s the kind of thing that many women love, but consider it too frivolous to buy, so it makes for a perfect present. It also helps your girl feel hot and sexy and reminds her of how much you love her body, no matter what her insecurities are.

If she feels sexy, that will lead to sexy times

5) Think outside the box: Does your girl love sports? Get her a new mitt/ball/racket or stick. Does she love concerts? Get her some tickets to something fun and unusual. Collect bugs? Get her some new equipment. You get the point. Yes, these are also good presents for her birthday, but if she’s not your traditional V-day type of girl, you need to consider going down this route.

6) Puppy Love: Does she have a beloved pet? Get the pet a V-day themed toy. Sucking up to a girl’s pet will totally score you points.

The “Old & Married” Relationship

You’ve been together forever you have both pulled out all the traditional V-day stops over the years. And now you are sitting on the couch together, wondering what the hell to do this year and whether or not you need to waste money on this holiday. SPOILER ALERT: Yeah you probably do.

1) Eat in: Stay at home, light a few candles and eat together at a table. Shut that TV off! The best gift you can give your partner is actively listening to her. She will appreciate that more than another stuffed animal she needs to add to her list of things to dust.

2) Get a Room: Getting away from your usual surroundings can also lessen the pressures of the everyday. Get a room for yourself and your girl somewhere local. Order room service and put on fluffy white robes. She will reward you for taking her on a mini-getaway from real life with a great night. Plus: no one has to do dishes! It’s a win-win.

3) Massage Oil: Give your lady a massage and show her that she is still the princess she was when you first met.

4) Chocolate Body Paint: A little cliché, but it’s a great way to have your chocolate and umm…eat it too. This way you two can eat chocolate and get in a lil workout at the same time.

Delicious and hot!

5) Jewelry: This is when you break out the semi-precious stones. I recommend saving diamonds for birthdays and anniversaries. But a ruby or an emerald sounds awfully nice for V-day and will def get you laid.

6) Tickets to do Something, ANYTHING: Studies have shown that people get more enjoyment out of money when they spend on activities, as opposed to material objects. Also, after so long together, you need to get out of the house once awhile. Get her tickets to a comedy club, a hot air balloon ride, an art show, a play, a concert. Show her that you want to spend time with her in the bedroom and out of it.

Now go get her! Good lick girls! Oops I mean, good luck.

No Glove, No Love: Grrl Style

Tags

adult, adult toys, babeland, bisexual, Brooklyn, condoms, dental dam, disneyland, dyke, erotic toys, erotica, girl on girl, gloves, grrl, hot, lbq, lesbian, LGBT, protection, Queer, safe sex, Sex, sexy, toys

Women, alllllways with the foosball

I don’t know if many of you frequent the LGBT friendly adult shop, Babeland. But, they recently announced that their Brooklyn location will now be delivering! I’m pretty sure this is the first time an erotic store ever decided to deliver their goods This is great news, especially for lesbians. Ermmm…you can draw your own conclusions why.

Anywho, in celebration of this momentous event. I’ve decided to share my sad tale of a night without a happy ending.

A long time ago in Brooklyn, way before Hot Femme was married, she lived in a tiny apartment at the edge of Park Slope. One night, she went on a date with a lady friend who decided she wanted to see the inside of Hot Femme’s…apartment. The only problem was…there was no protection at Hot Femme’s apartment! No dams, no gloves. So what are two hot young dykes to do? The girls went to three drug stores and one sex  store (who will remain nameless) and came up empty. So they got some ice cream and went to sleep instead.

The. End.

Condoms are sold everywhere, constantly, they probably sell them at Disneyland. But gloves and dams are much harder to come by. Guess who sells them? Babeland! Now no one has to pass on surprise sex because they don’t have gloves ready and waiting. Do you guys hear that? That’s the sound of safe girl-on-girl action in BK.

How Do Lesbians…You Know…Do IT?

Tags

angelina jolie, coming out, femme, girl on girl, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Queer, Sex, The L word, vida guerra

Bitch, I know you did NOT just ask me that.

This question usually comes around when you are least suspecting it. Probably when you are hanging out with a bunch of friends and friends of friends and having a few drinks. Everyone is having a good time. Then, someone asks you if you have a boyfriend and you say something like “No, I actually like girls.”

This is usually when it happens. Someone, male or female, it doesn’t matter, will bust out with: “BUT HOW DO TWO GIRLS HAVE SEX?” 

Other variations include (but are not limited to):

1. Are you the one that wears the strap on?
2. So…it’s…like…just oral sex?
3. Are YOU the guy?
4. Don’t you miss X male body part?

Homie don't play that.

So what do you? First, you shove the desire to punch this person in the face deep down inside. Violence never solves anything. Then, if you are like me, you freeze. It’s such an invasive thing to ask someone and every time it happens I feel like someone just tossed a bucket of ice water over my head.

I’ve decided to create a menu of responses to this question, so you can whip them out even if you are caught off guard!

1) “Calm down, perv! That’s none of your business.” or “ Ew, I don’t know, how do YOU have sex?” 

These approaches should shame whoever asked the question into shutting up and chances are your friends will change the topic. It’s always better to be sassy and sarcastic rather than bitchy. Let the other person be the a-hole in the situation.

 2) “Why don’t you ask your girlfriend/wife/mom/sister?” 

If you really hit it, you might want to keep your big dyke mouth shut.

Obvs you should say this in a joking manner. Esp if you want to avoid a fist fight. I’ve noticed from personal experience that it shuts people up quick. Again, don’t be dead serious when you say this, even if it’s true. Humor is the best way to combat stupid.

 3) “If you come home with me later, I can just show you.” WINK

Ever gone on a magic carpet ride?

Only say this if the girl asking the question is cute…and if you are good at winking. Duh.

 4) “Why? Do you want to make sure you’re doing it right?”

People who ask such invasive questions deserve to get an invasive question thrown right back at them. But again, be careful with your tone. Nobody likes nasty.

5) “Add ‘The L Word’ to your Netflix que.”

Ok, maybe it's not the way that we live, but I still miss that show.

This one speaks for itself. Plus, this is the way, it’s the way that we live and looooooooovvvveeeee.

I know some of you nice grrls out there are thinking “But maybe I really should tell them! Maybe they just want to know?” And maybe they do, but it’s not your job to splay your most intimate moments out in front of everyone in order to educate them. If someone really is interested in understanding more about how queers love, they will ask one-on-one and in a more sensitive way.

Your turn! Have you ever been asked about GirlSex and what did you say?