Ask the Femme: Is it OK to Cheat on my Husband with a Woman…Again?

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advice, bars, bicurious, bisexual, casual sex, cheating, Dating, gay, gingers, hooking up, lesbian, LGBT, Love, marriage, open marriage, Queer, relationships, Sex

Hi Natasia,

Time for some tough love

I was wondering if you can answer some questions for me or perhaps give me some advice. I stumbled upon your blog while searching for lesbian coffee shops in NYC. Me and my husband moved to NYC from the South half a year ago. Since I was in high school and more actively in college, I have thought and messed around with women on very few occasions. I had actual relations with only one girl. That story ended up being a very destructive one which completely negated and perhaps suppressed every concept of women being together.   

I sort of came out to my boyfriend at the time I was messing around with my “girlfriend” and that boyfriend is actually my husband now. I also told some friends. I think I was caught more so in the moment to do that and later regretted it. I thought my feelings and thoughts about women were completely behind me until recently. 

My husband is away at work for three months and I keep wanting to venture out to some lesbian watering hole to see. See what? I am not sure. I am not sure what I should be looking for and don’t even know if that is a good idea. 

You know the whole idea about opening Pandora’s box and then being in a lot of trouble. I guess I don’t want to hurt my husband if I was to leave him yet again for the same issue. Also, I don’t think I am a lesbian or a bisexual person or anything of that sort. How do you know if you even know if you are one?  I hope this doesn’t sound too cliché, but I don’t know if my college experiences qualify as legit experiences to which attribute how I classify myself sexually. How do you know? 

At times, I feel like I got stuck in the fab of being temporarily into women (my friend in college fell into the same pattern, I feel like we did that together just for the fun of it because we were so bored with ourselves, as awful as that sounds).  I sometimes tell myself that it is absolutely gross, messing around with women that is. In reality I do that only because I am afraid to admit the truth to myself whatever the truth may be.  I spent a lot of time online trying to figure out if I want to go to Ginger’s Bar or places such as, to see if I am attracted to any women. However, I don’t think I would be able to go by myself and look. I cannot tell anyone either or ask for company. Plus, from what I read, a lot of places in NYC cater to non girly women that I often find attractive. I also don’t think it’s fair to lie to somebody that I am not married, if I do meet someone.  Any advice? Sorry about writing a book for you to read. Your blog is very interesting.

• Honey

Oh Honey,

There’s a lot to unpack here. So much I barely know where to start. I’m sorry you are so conflicted. Let’s break it down.

First of all, you say maybe you were just into women because you were bored. Um. No. Not unless you have been bored through high school and college and while you were dating your future husband…who you cheated on.

Which brings me to my second point. You cheated on your boyfriend with a woman and then get upset with the whole concept of same sex relationships because it ended badly for you…because you were cheating on someone. That’s why it ended badly, not because it was two women. Because YOU were a liar and a cheater. I’m not judging you for this. Mistakes happen and people slip up.  I’m not monogamy’s biggest proponent, but you need to acknowledge that this is what happened and get rid of your victim mentality.

“Hey ladies, I just met the man I think I’m going to marry! Dating him is just so exciting that I’m super bored and want to stick my tongue in your mouth!” Said no straight woman ever.

I know this sounds harsh; but you need to take responsibility for your actions and not pass your attraction to women off as “being bored” or trying to get yourself back on the straight and narrow by trying to convince yourself that girls hooking up with girls is gross. You are hurting yourself and you are hurting the person you are married too.

Let me tell you how I know you’re probably bisexual or a lesbian. Straight women don’t worry nearly as much about being queer as you do. If you were straight and maybe experimenting in high school or college, the ‘phase’ would be over by now since you’re married. If I thought you wanted just a friendship and someone to talk to about the queer experience, I would tell you how to made queerbros. Plenty of monogamous bisexual women have friends of both genders and all orientations and don’t sleep with them.

BUT I’m not going to tell you where to go to meet hot women. Because you want to cheat on your husband by sleeping with them, be torn up about it and then be like “girlsex is gross and always ends horribly!” That is, very clearly, what you would like me to sanction you doing. You don’t need my permission to “be bored” and have sex with a woman. Guess whose permission you need to do that?

Right, the permission of the person you married. So ask him! Tell him that you are lonely when he’s gone and want to explore your bisexual leanings. Tell him you’ve obviously been very conflicted and confused for most of your post-pubescent life and you would like a chance to mingle with some queer women and figure it out once and for all. If he understands where you are coming from, great! Go find a willing lady. If he isn’t into it, I recommend you go to a therapist and talk through your internalized homophobia and how to make peace with bisexual tendencies which you are unable to explore because you are monogamous with a man.

The last point I would like to make is that nowhere do you mention how happy you are with your husband or how great he is, blah blah blah. All that couple stuff and qualifiers I usually get from people in sexually incompatible partnerships is completely missing from this (long) email. You might want to examine your relationship and see if this marriage what you want, or if you need time to figure out yourself. There’s no shame in figuring out who you are and what you really want, but be honest about it.

Good luck, Honey. If you see me in Ginger’s, say hi!

xoxo

The Femme

Have a question for me? askafemme@yahoo.com

photo credit: Alaskan Dude via photopin cc

Ask the Femme: Why are Women Using me for Sex?

Tags

bar, bisexual, casual sex, club, dancing, Dating, gay, gym, hooking up, hot girls, lbq, lesbian, LGBT, LTR, online, online dating, Queer, relationships, Sex, where to meet women

Nice boobs...do you want to give me your number? This may or may not be a great start to the romantic relationship you want.

Do you feel like women are just using you for sex? Yes, mainstream America. Women enjoy sex and no matter what Sex and the City tells you, we are capable of no strings attached sex…even lesbians. Do all your dates turn into hook-ups or one night stands? Let’s turn that around.

Hi Natasia,

I was kind of an ugly duckling, I’ve been hot for about a year now and at first it was great. I didn’t realize how easy it would be for me to meet women. I’m a nester and it seems like all the girls I date just want to use me for sex, one night stands, two night stands, bootycalls whatever. I’ve been dating for like 10 months now and it keeps happening. I meet girls in bars and clubs, but also through mutual friends and at the gym.

I think maybe part of it might be because sometimes they are too much younger than I am, I’m late 20s and sometimes I end up with girls in their early 20s. I think it could be a cultural thing too. I’m Brazilian and sex and passion mean different things to me than they do to some American girls. I take it to heart. I don’t think these women see all the potential I see in them…or maybe I’m just being too nice. I’ve always been inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt. One girl told me that we wouldn’t just have sex…then of course we did, cuz I have no will power! How do I turn these girls into potential romantic partners instead of just sex partners?

– Too Sexy Nester

Hi Nester,

It sucks to feel like you are being used for sex! There is definitely a disconnect between the way you are approaching these women and the way they are approaching you. The gym and mutual friends are a great way to meet women, bars and clubs, not as great, but it’s important that you keep putting yourself out there. So keep meeting women at the gym and through mutual friends, but make sure they are closer to your age range. Although there aren’t as many years between you and girls in their early 20s, people change a lot during those years and early 20s are usually for partying. You can tell your friends who want to play matchmaker that you are looking for girlfriend material, that might keep them from introducing you to the town stud.

It’s not impossible to meeting a girl in bar/club and start a relationship with her, but it’s less likely. Meeting someone in a bar makes your appearance the most important thing to her (that’s why she brought you that drink right?) so take looks out of the equation and try some LGBT volunteer work. This way the women you meet know something important about your personality right off the bat and are drawn to your altruism instead of your pretty face. Also, try online dating. I know, I know, it seems awful, but it’s a great way to weed out the girls who are just looking for sex and find the ones that are looking to settle down.

If you are looking for a relationship online, don't make your profile pic something too provocative. It could attract women for the wrong reason. Make it something sweet that shows who you are. On a side note, I totally have this bikini.

Sigh and now…the Rule. I hate the Rule because it’s so archaic BUT if you are looking for a serious partner…you are going to have to make her work to get you in bed. I would recommend waiting a month from the first date before you get busy in the sheets. This serves two purposes: 1) It will get rid of the girls who aren’t serious about you and can’t see how amazing you are and that you are worth waiting for. 2) It will protect your heart and make you feel less bad when a girl calls it quits. If sex makes you feel prematurely attached to someone before you really know them, wait! If you feel used by these women, break the cycle now, before it gets worse.

Good luck Nester! I hope you find what you are looking for. Keep me updated!

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Horrible Pick Up Lines: NYC Dyke Bar Edition

Tags

bi, casual, dancing, Dating, drinking, hooking up, in the club, lesbian, NYC, pick up lines, Queer, rejection, relationships

A good pick up line leads to happy kitties

Talking to girls is hard. Being a girl who wants to talk to girls is even harder. Last night, I hit up a lez bar with some of my homo girls. There was drinking, dancing, connections were made and numbers were exchanged. There were also incredibly true, incredibly awful pick up lines that made me cringe. Ladies…we need to fix this. A cheesy opening line can be endearing but there are some blunders that you can’t recover from. Let’s look at some of the blunders from last night and see how we can prevent future trainwrecks.

1)      Are you gay?

I get really tired of people asking me if I am gay or not and if you open with this, I don’t want to talk to you. Society is so full of stereotypes about lesbians that I don’t want to deal with it when I’m around other queers. I’m at the gay bar, assume I’m gay. If the girl you are talking to at your local lez watering hole tells you she’s straight and is offended you hit on her, she’s the douche not you. She is also probably not as straight as she thinks. Just sayin!

Feel like this on the inside, not the outside

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m guilty of asking a girl if she was gay too. Picture this: A young baby dyke in Brooklyn heads to Catty Shack for the first time. She sees someone in a bar she thinks is attractive for the first time EVER! The girl looks just like Dana in The L Word! ZOMG. Baby dyke opens with HEY YOU DON’T LOOK GAY AT ALL! Faux Dana responds “NEITHER DO YOU!” and later goes home with the smooth stud that bought her a beer. Long story short: Don’t ask if she’s gay, just buy her a drink.

2)      Hey, are you trying to stick something up my ass? I mean…you’re really attractive

Yes, this happened. Never bring up anal sex while hitting on a girl. I hold this truth to be self evident.

3)      Girl, you got a booty!

Slow down! You haven’t seen it yet and with that kind of line you will never get too. It’s great to compliment a lady, but pick something that will make her feel special as opposed to making her feel like a piece of meat. “Nice smile,” “Nice eyes” or “You have gorgeous hair” will get you a lot further.

Don't be the third wheel. Just don't do it.

4)      Hey, you want to play pool?

Normally this would be a great pick up line! The problem? Don’t say it to two women who are making out with each other. They probably aren’t interested. It’s hard to tell which lesbians are in a couple and which are just out with their friends. But it’s not impossible and if you make a mistake, no biggie. But avoid women who are obvs together. Like, if they are making out, holding hands or (ugh) looking into each other’s eyes and grinning like fools, leave them alone.

5)      Hi you can call me ThePanda, I only give out my name for business reasons.

Girl, that’s not cool. You aren’t Ja Rule and giving out your government name to women to make them feel special isn’t going to work for you. Prove that you are a grown up and give out your real name.

Do you have any pick up line horror stories? Are you guilty (eek, like me) of using a bad one? Share in the comments!