The Minority Report: Femmes-Ask That Boi Out!

Tags

advice, AG, Ask Her Out, bar, boi, butch, club, Dating, dinner, femme, gay, in the club, lesbian, LGBT, nightlife, pick up lines, Queer, stud

Oh man, this cat has no filter! He just says what's on his mind, he don't care!

Tis the season to be full and lazy! I know that after the holiday rush, I’m exhausted. If you’re like me, you’re not going to ask any one out until you’ve hit the gym for a few weeks. So let’s sit on the sidelines for a minute and strategize.

Femmes, are you tired of not getting dates because no one can look at you and tell you’re gay? It’s time to take matters into your own hands and walk up to the hot girl at the bar and ask her out. Sometimes, a femme just has to take her fate into her own hands! Check out mine and Cynthia’s tips for approaching a girl and leave your own in the comments.

You’re Going to Have to Pay For That

Tags

bar, bouncer, club, cover, Dating, drinking, dyke bar, femme, friends, gay, girl bar, girls, grrl, Hot Girl, in the club, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Queer

Grabbing your friends ass probably won't get you into the grrl bar for free, but I'll be impressed

“Three for two discount?” My pretty straight friend purred to the bouncer outside NYC’s biggest dyke bar. “Nice try, sweetheart.” The bouncer replied. We forked over ten more dollars for the privilege of entry. Luckily for me, my straight friends are more than happy to pay the cover if it means they can drink and dance without men coming up to us every minute. They already know the drill, you’re not getting into the dyke bar for free.

At straight bars, I’m usually able to talk someone into letting me skip the line or the cover or both. At lesbian parties/bars I’ve gotten in for free once…ONCE!

Even she's only gotten in free once

There’s a few reasons for this. Lesbians tend to nest and stay home once they find their girlfriend. This gets even worse in the winter, when most of you just choose a girlfriend from the stable of girls you are currently dating specifically in order to avoid having to go out in a miniskirt when it’s cold. Yes, that’s a great reason to get into a relationship. Anywho, what this means is that the revenue for places that are lez bars 24/7 drops like your ex’s panties when she sees a girl with a lipring. Therefore, the prices for those of us who actually go are jacked up in order to keep the bar in business.

Basically, if we don’t pay the cover, NYC could end up like another major city (I’m looking at you Boston) that doesn’t have ANY 24/7 grrl bars. That would be a disaster. I’m sad just thinking about it.

No dyke bars? But where will I go to find my own kind?

The other reason is more irritating. Lesbians don’t care how cute you are. They really don’t. The bouncer knows that even if she turns you and your fabulous boobs away, there will be another great pair around the corner, who won’t complain about paying the cover.

I'll pay the cover...and make out with your girlfriend while your cheap butt is at home

The only way to get around paying covers or waiting on line is to become friends with the bouncer/bartender/owner. The owner of the bar, being the best option, so shoot for that one. I’m not talking like BS, shoot the breeze whenever you walk in kind of way. I’m not even talking in the dating kind of way. Dating any of the three people I mentioned is more likely to get you banned from the bar than in for free. You need to bring her soup when she’s sick, watch her dog when she goes on vacation and help her move when her girlfriend finds out about the chick with the faux hawk.

Yeah, this one

Is that worth it to skip paying the cover? Probably not. So we’ll just all keep paying, cuz lesbians are so awesome to party with that any cover would be worth it. Errmm…right?

Am I Attracted To You Or Do I Want To Be You? #LesbianProblems

Tags

advice, attraction, bisexual, bound, Brooklyn, corky, Dating, femme, friends, gina gershon, girls, in the club, Katherine Moennig, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Love, metropolitan, Queer, relationships, Sex, Shane, The L word, tough girls, violet

Are you a Violet who needs a Corky? Or do you want to be Corky?

I always talk about shaking up my look. I look like your average semi-corporate good girl. But lately I’ve been craving loads of black eyeliner, piercings and tattoos. Oh and possibly shaving a section of my waist-length hair. Just because.

I was at Brooklyn’s Metropolitan bar and all the women I thought were the most attractive were edgy…with loads of black eyeliner, piercings, tattoos and asymmetrical haircuts. “You like tough girls,” my friend pointed out. That’s  when I realized…I don’t know if I’m attracted to tough girls or if I want to BE a tough girl.

Do you want to feel Shane today or do you want to feel up Shane today? It's a pretty tough call.

It makes sense that people would be attracted to people who have qualities they admire. Some women are drawn to the man who is the life of the party or has a great sense of humor. But this is a more multi-layered problem for gays. Do you want to make out with the girl who’s the center of attention or do you want everyone’s eye on you? Do you want to make out with the girl in the gray knit cap or do you want to steal it when she takes it off and goes to the bathroom?

Here’s a quiz I’ve devised so you can figure out if you are genuinely into your crush or  if you want to jack her swag.

1. You look over at your crush, she’s talking to another girl. You think:

a. Oh man, the girl she’s talking to is super hot.

b. I’m soooo much cuter than that girl.

c. Threesome anyone?

2. You and your crush strike up a conversation, she keeps making you crack up. You think: 

a. I WISH I had jokes like that!

b. She’s so funny, she would write great vows for our wedding.

c. ZOMG, you’re so funny it’s making me take my top off.

3. Your crush is on the dance floor with her friends, you go over and: 

a. Challenge her to a dance off.

b. Use your smile to lure her over to you and then impress her with your dance moves.

c. Grind with her then turn around and do the Jersey Turnpike.

Do you think we're starting to look too much alike?

If you got mostly A’s: You’re a swacker! You want to be this girl, not date her. If you two dated, you would become that lesbian couple that dresses the same and starts looking the same and that’s just so weird. Just be friends with her okay?

Mostly B’s: Congrats! It’s a real crush. Now go out there and try not to bring a U-haul or a cat to the second date.

Mostly C’s: You’re kinda slutty. I like that, lez be friends.

Have any of you ever had this problem? Is it worse for lesbians? Do you think you can want to be like someone and still be genuinely into pursuing a relationship with them?

Femme on Femme Invisibility

Tags

Bangs, Bush, Clint Eastwood, Dating, Dirty Harry, drinking, femme, friends, girls, Hot Girl, in the club, lesbian, LGBT, NYC, Queer, Seventies, Stereotypes, T.A.T.U.

Hello Kitty or Lesbo Kitty?

Last night, a young lady in daisy dukes and long straight hair to her waist held the elevator door at my apartment complex for me. She also pushed the button for my floor. So chivalrous, right? “Thanks!” I chirped. Anyone holding an elevator door is a rarity in NYC. Usually, they point and laugh as the doors close on you. We take our schadenfreude veeerrrrry seriously here.

Do you guys hold the door for straight women and they never say thank you? That’s why I don’t hold doors for them anymore. Also: the one with the juice box is the gay one. I just know.

Instead of “You’re welcome” she blurted out, “YOU’RE REALLY PRETTY!”

WHO ME? No way! We struck up a convo and around the 30^th floor, I complimented her and she gave me a goofy grinny face…the same kind I give when I’m smitten with someone I just met. Oh. That’s a surprise.

I had encountered a baby femme. A freakin’ ballsy baby femme, who reminds me of myself 6 years ago, before I became an old married lady and I totally femme invisibility-ed out on her! For those of you who don’t know, femme invisibility is the term used to describe queer women who feel unrecognized by both the gay & straight communities. I frequently blame femme invisibility on the fact that straight people don’t think about gay, it’s not something that’s ‘top of consciousness’ for them. So of course they will ask me if I have a boyfriend, even if I’ve mentioned my partner multiple times. They don’t think in “queer.”

But this is different. I’m a huge gay blogging gaymo. I can recognize other femmes if I’m in a queer settings. I.e. a dyke bar, Gay-Straight Alliance organization, LGBT volunteer event, queer themed art event. But outside of those situations, not so much. So I’m left with this question: If femme’s can’t recognize other femme’s, how can we hope for anyone else to recognize us?

Nope. Not actually gay.

I don’t know the answer. But I’m going to take a lesson from the baby femme I met last night and pass it on to you guys. If you think a girl is hot, just tell her and see what happens. I think this could be a revolutionary first step to eradicating femme invisibility.

On a completely unrelated note, I saw the Clint Eastwood 70’s classic “Dirty Harry” in Bryant Park yesterday. It had 70’s music, 70’s clothing and um…70’s bush on the BIG SCREEN. You know what? It wasn’t bad. Retro is really hot right now. The movie was cool too.

Bush in the Park

Penetrating the Posse

Tags

bars, bisexual, bribes, Dating, drinking, femme, friends, girls, in the club, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, NYC, Queer, relationships, Sex, wingman, wingmen

This is HER. She's worth the trouble.

So you are a happy single lady at a dyke bar, getting your drank on with some friends and kicking back. Then…you see HER. She’s exactly your type and deep down in your beer soaked heart, you know SHE could be the ONE…that you go home with. The only problem? She’s surrounded by friends on all sides and you have no idea how to get to her.

This is a serious problem that plagues dyke bars nationwide. It’s happened to all of us at one point and chances are your own buddies have done some unintentional lady-love blocking too. Let’s break this down together so we can stop the cycle.

You will need a strategy. Do NOT push through her circle of friends to get to her. Pushing her friends will make them mad. They will think you are a tool and you will not be granted access to HER. In fact, you might even get a beat down. Here are some better strategies.

Wingman Swarm

Wingmen exist specifically for situations like this. Have your group of friends descend upon hers. Have one buddy chat up the girl to HER left and one take the girl to HER right, leaving the center wide open. If you are a sportier dyke than I am, free free to insert some kind of sports reference in here, I don’t know any.

Discuss who is going to approach who beforehand, so no one gets hurt while SWARM-ing

The theory behind the wingman approach is that if HER friends feel sexy and are having a good time chatting up your buddies, they won’t be as protective of their other friends as they would be if they were bored. If everyone is being flirted with, everyone is happy. The drawback to this approach is if her friends aren’t cute, you will owe your wingmen beers. This can get costly.

Get With HER Friends

I can’t remember if it was Lord Byron or the Spice Girls who said “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Either way, it was said and it’s true. If you start by chatting up a girl on the edge of the group in a friendly, not a flirty way you can get into the inner sanctum. Start with a compliment, i.e. “I love your wallet chain!” and move to “So how do you all know each other?” Then grab another girl in from the group, “Jane says you all met in your women’s studies class. Queers in a women’s study class? No way!” Once these two girls like you, they will introduce you to some of the others and when you slyly buy HER a drink, no one will object.

The best part of this approach is that even if you strike out romantically, you will still meet a lot of cool women. You might also uncover a hidden treasure and be more drawn to a girl you overlooked in the beginning of your mission too.

Cuz girls love drinks

There are two potential pitfalls. The first being that the wrong girl will think you are into her and you won’t be able to make your move without insulting her. Or two, HER friend’s are douchebags/pretentious/boring. If this is the case, then chances are the girl you want isn’t that great either. Someone’s friends is a good indication of who they are.

Bribery

Buy HER and HER friend a drink. Whichever one is closest. Sometimes you will have to buy drinks for all 3,4 or 5 of them. This is probably the strategy with the highest success rate, but you gotta be a balla. So for most of us, this is sooo not an option.

So pick a plan and go get your girl! Share your worst/best experiences in the comments if you got any!

Horrible Pick Up Lines: NYC Dyke Bar Edition

Tags

bi, casual, dancing, Dating, drinking, hooking up, in the club, lesbian, NYC, pick up lines, Queer, rejection, relationships

A good pick up line leads to happy kitties

Talking to girls is hard. Being a girl who wants to talk to girls is even harder. Last night, I hit up a lez bar with some of my homo girls. There was drinking, dancing, connections were made and numbers were exchanged. There were also incredibly true, incredibly awful pick up lines that made me cringe. Ladies…we need to fix this. A cheesy opening line can be endearing but there are some blunders that you can’t recover from. Let’s look at some of the blunders from last night and see how we can prevent future trainwrecks.

1)      Are you gay?

I get really tired of people asking me if I am gay or not and if you open with this, I don’t want to talk to you. Society is so full of stereotypes about lesbians that I don’t want to deal with it when I’m around other queers. I’m at the gay bar, assume I’m gay. If the girl you are talking to at your local lez watering hole tells you she’s straight and is offended you hit on her, she’s the douche not you. She is also probably not as straight as she thinks. Just sayin!

Feel like this on the inside, not the outside

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m guilty of asking a girl if she was gay too. Picture this: A young baby dyke in Brooklyn heads to Catty Shack for the first time. She sees someone in a bar she thinks is attractive for the first time EVER! The girl looks just like Dana in The L Word! ZOMG. Baby dyke opens with HEY YOU DON’T LOOK GAY AT ALL! Faux Dana responds “NEITHER DO YOU!” and later goes home with the smooth stud that bought her a beer. Long story short: Don’t ask if she’s gay, just buy her a drink.

2)      Hey, are you trying to stick something up my ass? I mean…you’re really attractive

Yes, this happened. Never bring up anal sex while hitting on a girl. I hold this truth to be self evident.

3)      Girl, you got a booty!

Slow down! You haven’t seen it yet and with that kind of line you will never get too. It’s great to compliment a lady, but pick something that will make her feel special as opposed to making her feel like a piece of meat. “Nice smile,” “Nice eyes” or “You have gorgeous hair” will get you a lot further.

Don't be the third wheel. Just don't do it.

4)      Hey, you want to play pool?

Normally this would be a great pick up line! The problem? Don’t say it to two women who are making out with each other. They probably aren’t interested. It’s hard to tell which lesbians are in a couple and which are just out with their friends. But it’s not impossible and if you make a mistake, no biggie. But avoid women who are obvs together. Like, if they are making out, holding hands or (ugh) looking into each other’s eyes and grinning like fools, leave them alone.

5)      Hi you can call me ThePanda, I only give out my name for business reasons.

Girl, that’s not cool. You aren’t Ja Rule and giving out your government name to women to make them feel special isn’t going to work for you. Prove that you are a grown up and give out your real name.

Do you have any pick up line horror stories? Are you guilty (eek, like me) of using a bad one? Share in the comments!

Song Lyrics That Crack Me Up While I’m Dancing in “Da Club”

Tags

Bubba Sparxxx, dancing, dumb, grinding, in the club, lesbians, Lloyd, Ludacris, Missy Elliot, Omarion, R. Kelly, Ying Yang Twins

Have you ever been out dancing with your girls, maybe grinding up on a hot lady and a song comes on that has a hot beat so your shaking what yo momma gave ya and then all of a sudden… BAM. The ‘singer,’ yes I do use that term loosely, sings something so funny, you break out laughing like an idiot? Ok, maybe that’s just me. But I bet some of you crack a smile when you are listening to those dumb lyrics. So, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite, “Did he really just sing that? Did you hear that too?” moments.
7. Lay it Down- Lloyd Featuring R. Kelly & Jeezy
R. Kelly: And I ain’t got no rhyme for the next part/I ain’t got no rhyme for the next part/But that’s okay because this is the remix
This is R Kelly’s first appearance on the list (he will be back, don’t worry).

Look Kelly (R?), it’s not okay because this is the remix. There need to be words to a song to make it a song. That’s what a song is. This is just so ridiculously lazy that I love it.
6. Ludacris- How Low Can You Go
 Lower than yo’ momma ever seen it in her lifetime/ Never would’ve imagined did not even in her right mind
Excuse me Mr. Luda, but you have NO idea how low my momma has seen people go in her lifetime and I resent the implication that she has not. Judging from the pictures of her from the 70s in Lucite heels and a pink plastic mini-dress, I would say she’s seen people get low, sir. I bid you good day. I SAID GOOD DAY.

5. Missy Elliot- Backwards
Boys, boys all types of boys, black, white, Puerto Rican, Chinese boys

It’s funny cuz she’s gay. In my head, what she’s really saying is: Bois, bois all types of bois, black, white, Puerto Rican, but not bio boys. There, now the song makes sense. Yay.

4. R. Kelly- Echo
I called your boss and he knows you ain’t comin in today (Sex in the morning sex all day)
Okay, first, how did R. Kelly get your boss’s phone number? Can you imagine if R. Kelly called your boss and told him you weren’t coming in? Like, “Oh, Hi Mr. Kelly, I can’t believe you are calling me, I…she won’t be in? Why?… Ooooh, sex all day? You say… Ok, I understand… Actually, I’m on the Viagra now, so I really don’t think it would be a good idea. You crazy kids have fun and be safe, you know what Kanye says about 18 years.”

My last boss’s ring tone was ‘Blame it on the Alcohol’ by TI. So I’m pretty sure she would have been down with me taking off to bang R. Kelly, I think I’m too old for him though.
3. Omarion- Ice Box

I got this ice box where my heart used to be/ I’m so cold/ I’m so cold/I’m so cold
I love when this song is played in a hot, sweaty club where all the women are gyrating together and screaming about how cold they are. If you are so cold why is your back-sweat getting all over me? Which I guess tells you something about the way I dance.
2. Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins- Miss New Booty
I found you, Miss New Booty

Sometimes I pick up the phone and someone is singing into it, “I found you, Miss New Booty.” That would be my sister. We were rockin the big booties when J-Lo made it popular, thank goodness for that.

As my sister and I were listening to the song, Miss New Booty, she said, “Can you imagine if some guy said that you, like Oh, wow, I found you Miss. New Booty, that booty is so new.” And a running family joke was born. So Miss New Booty has a place near and dear to my heart.

1. R. Kelly- Trapped in the Closet
God please, don’t let this man open this closet/He walks up to the closet/He goes up to the closet/Now he’s at the closet/Damn he’s opening the closet…

No, this isn’t a song about closeted gays coming out. This song is one of a series, yes a series, about a man (Kelly) who is ‘bangin a ho,’ I believe is the correct terminology, who has a live in boyfriend. When the boyfriend comes home, she tells Kelly to hide in the closet. The girl is all nice to her bf and he doesn’t suspect anything, but then Kelly’s phone rings and he is caught hiding in the closet. That my friends, is where the story really begins, but where the song ends.
If you are dying to know how this operatic saga continues, well Kelly escapes out the window and they have a chase reminiscent of Harrison Ford in The Fugitive. Guns are involved as well as the police and Brother Twan. Someone gets shot, I think the live in boyfriend but honestly, it’s hard to keep the characters of this melodrama straight. Also, the girl was lying about her real name the whole time. So that makes it worse. Either way, I die every time I hear this song and I hope you do too!