Ask the Femme: Is it OK to Cheat on my Husband with a Woman…Again?

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advice, bars, bicurious, bisexual, casual sex, cheating, Dating, gay, gingers, hooking up, lesbian, LGBT, Love, marriage, open marriage, Queer, relationships, Sex

Hi Natasia,

Time for some tough love

I was wondering if you can answer some questions for me or perhaps give me some advice. I stumbled upon your blog while searching for lesbian coffee shops in NYC. Me and my husband moved to NYC from the South half a year ago. Since I was in high school and more actively in college, I have thought and messed around with women on very few occasions. I had actual relations with only one girl. That story ended up being a very destructive one which completely negated and perhaps suppressed every concept of women being together.   

I sort of came out to my boyfriend at the time I was messing around with my “girlfriend” and that boyfriend is actually my husband now. I also told some friends. I think I was caught more so in the moment to do that and later regretted it. I thought my feelings and thoughts about women were completely behind me until recently. 

My husband is away at work for three months and I keep wanting to venture out to some lesbian watering hole to see. See what? I am not sure. I am not sure what I should be looking for and don’t even know if that is a good idea. 

You know the whole idea about opening Pandora’s box and then being in a lot of trouble. I guess I don’t want to hurt my husband if I was to leave him yet again for the same issue. Also, I don’t think I am a lesbian or a bisexual person or anything of that sort. How do you know if you even know if you are one?  I hope this doesn’t sound too cliché, but I don’t know if my college experiences qualify as legit experiences to which attribute how I classify myself sexually. How do you know? 

At times, I feel like I got stuck in the fab of being temporarily into women (my friend in college fell into the same pattern, I feel like we did that together just for the fun of it because we were so bored with ourselves, as awful as that sounds).  I sometimes tell myself that it is absolutely gross, messing around with women that is. In reality I do that only because I am afraid to admit the truth to myself whatever the truth may be.  I spent a lot of time online trying to figure out if I want to go to Ginger’s Bar or places such as, to see if I am attracted to any women. However, I don’t think I would be able to go by myself and look. I cannot tell anyone either or ask for company. Plus, from what I read, a lot of places in NYC cater to non girly women that I often find attractive. I also don’t think it’s fair to lie to somebody that I am not married, if I do meet someone.  Any advice? Sorry about writing a book for you to read. Your blog is very interesting.

• Honey

Oh Honey,

There’s a lot to unpack here. So much I barely know where to start. I’m sorry you are so conflicted. Let’s break it down.

First of all, you say maybe you were just into women because you were bored. Um. No. Not unless you have been bored through high school and college and while you were dating your future husband…who you cheated on.

Which brings me to my second point. You cheated on your boyfriend with a woman and then get upset with the whole concept of same sex relationships because it ended badly for you…because you were cheating on someone. That’s why it ended badly, not because it was two women. Because YOU were a liar and a cheater. I’m not judging you for this. Mistakes happen and people slip up.  I’m not monogamy’s biggest proponent, but you need to acknowledge that this is what happened and get rid of your victim mentality.

“Hey ladies, I just met the man I think I’m going to marry! Dating him is just so exciting that I’m super bored and want to stick my tongue in your mouth!” Said no straight woman ever.

I know this sounds harsh; but you need to take responsibility for your actions and not pass your attraction to women off as “being bored” or trying to get yourself back on the straight and narrow by trying to convince yourself that girls hooking up with girls is gross. You are hurting yourself and you are hurting the person you are married too.

Let me tell you how I know you’re probably bisexual or a lesbian. Straight women don’t worry nearly as much about being queer as you do. If you were straight and maybe experimenting in high school or college, the ‘phase’ would be over by now since you’re married. If I thought you wanted just a friendship and someone to talk to about the queer experience, I would tell you how to made queerbros. Plenty of monogamous bisexual women have friends of both genders and all orientations and don’t sleep with them.

BUT I’m not going to tell you where to go to meet hot women. Because you want to cheat on your husband by sleeping with them, be torn up about it and then be like “girlsex is gross and always ends horribly!” That is, very clearly, what you would like me to sanction you doing. You don’t need my permission to “be bored” and have sex with a woman. Guess whose permission you need to do that?

Right, the permission of the person you married. So ask him! Tell him that you are lonely when he’s gone and want to explore your bisexual leanings. Tell him you’ve obviously been very conflicted and confused for most of your post-pubescent life and you would like a chance to mingle with some queer women and figure it out once and for all. If he understands where you are coming from, great! Go find a willing lady. If he isn’t into it, I recommend you go to a therapist and talk through your internalized homophobia and how to make peace with bisexual tendencies which you are unable to explore because you are monogamous with a man.

The last point I would like to make is that nowhere do you mention how happy you are with your husband or how great he is, blah blah blah. All that couple stuff and qualifiers I usually get from people in sexually incompatible partnerships is completely missing from this (long) email. You might want to examine your relationship and see if this marriage what you want, or if you need time to figure out yourself. There’s no shame in figuring out who you are and what you really want, but be honest about it.

Good luck, Honey. If you see me in Ginger’s, say hi!

xoxo

The Femme

Have a question for me? askafemme@yahoo.com

photo credit: Alaskan Dude via photopin cc

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Ask the Femme: Do Lesbian Relationships Last?

Tags

advice, break up, cheaters, cheating, Chick-Fil-A, Dating, Drama, forever, gay, heartbreak, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Love, marriage, relationships, single, straight

It’s brutal honesty time, Hot Femme style. You asked, “do lesbian relationships last?”

Well yes, duh. But let’s get down to the deets. photo credit: Ara Lucia via photo pin cc

Dear Femme,

I’m an Asian lesbian in my 30′s and I’ve been single for almost a year. I can’t seem to find that special woman who I feel physically and emotionally attracted too and who feels the same about me. I was always in a relationship in my 20′s and felt the need to be intimate with someone but in my 30′s. I no longer need to fullfill that sexual need. I also find it harder as I get older to find a partner. I moved to another state for a partner I trusted. But she left me for a man who was her best friend and whom I also believed was my friend. I believe lesbian relationships don’t last and have begun to feel jaded. I don’t like to feel lonely and hate sleeping alone but can’t seem to find a woman that I can feel intimate attracted too and safe with. Please help, thanks.

Azn

Hi Azn,

Thanks for writing in! There is a lot going on here. You’ve had a bad experience and I’m sorry for that. You placed your trust in the wrong person, changed your life for her, she betrayed you and it sucks. But you need to move on.

Stern cat says, “Get over it or I’ll claw your face off.” That cat means business. photo credit: Mr. Ducke via photo pin cc

Being single for a year isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you; it’s not even that long to be single! It seems as though you have already starting thinking about your own needs and what you want from a partner. I’m going to suggest that you continue to learn about yourself and worry less about being single. Put finding love on hold for a little while, go out and have fun. Don’t stay home and feel sorry for yourself, join a gym, take cooking or art classes, drink your coffee at a café instead of at home. While you are out doing things and learning to love your own company, the right woman will come along. But you won’t meet her if you are at home hiding under the covers and crying over someone who didn’t deserve you.

No matter how cute you are, girls can’t bust into your bedroom and find you. photo credit: Helga Weber via photo pin cc

Also, you should keep in mind that just because your former love left you for a man, not all women will do that to you. Lesbian relationships aren’t doomed to failure. The Chick-Fil-A guy didn’t put some crazy curse on us that causes girl on girl relationships to fail…ermm…I hope he didn’t. Either way I’m sure it won’t work.

What I’m saying is, people change and there is going to be drama, betrayal, love, affection in any relationship, gay or straight. People of all orientations, genders, races, religions and political affiliations get their hearts broken and if they are lucky, they find their forever love.

Need help meeting women? Check out Lez Unite! What the video below for the scoop.

LGBT Wedding Trends For 2012

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2012, bachelor party, bachelorette party, bridesmaids, cake topper, Destination Weddings, disco, dogs, Donna Summers, gay, Green, June, lesbian, LGBT, marriage, marry, pets, Pride, Pride Month, Queer, Wedding Season, Wedding Trends, Weddings

Let’s get some Donna Summers playing up in this bitch.

It’s Pride month! Those of us who are single and ready to mingle are probably partying it up in the pride events that are taking place all over the country. However, for those of us that have been coupled up for years and have family members asking about babies, this time of year is more commonly known as wedding season.

Queer, straight or otherwise you are probably gearing up to attend someone else’s special day. Or maybe you are thinking of planning your own big event? Or daydreaming about the hot barista and planning a wedding before she even knows your name? Here are some of the top trends that the gays are employing into their nuptial celebrations so your big day doesn’t turn into a “My Big Fat Gay Wedding” disaster:

1. Destination Weddings

This trend used to be called “eloping” or “We’re going to Canada where it’s legal” but Destination Wedding sounds so much sexier, doesn’t it? Why is this trend popular? Because there is a one in 10 chance that you live in a state where same-sex marriage is legal, so most of us are going to be traveling for our big day so make it fabulous! Don’t sneak away by yourselves, hire a planner or quit your job and devote yourself to planning your big day in an exotic locale. Iowa, the gay-friendly state that could, is reporting a boost in tourism directly related to same-sex weddings. Giving back to a community that has recognized our rights is a great way to celebrate your love! Plus, I hear the corn is as high as an elephant’s eye there…or something like that.

This isn’t Iowa…but it looks awesome.

2. Joint Bachelor/ette Parties

File this one under Best. Trend. Ever. Joint Bachelor and bachelorette parties mean that the wedding isn’t going to be called off because someone got drunk and accidentally groped a stripper. If you can party with your spouse-to-be you avoid all the drama, hurt feelings, jealousy and anxiety that live hand-in-hand with these bashes. Or you can sleep with the stripper together! Whatever works.

Lez party…together.

3. Furry Flowergirls and Ring Bearers

I know lesbians, we love our pussycats but maybe putting them in our wedding ceremonies is crossing the line? Apparently, the answer is no. Cats in tophats and dogs in bridesmaid dresses are taking over the internet. I for one, am guilty of following this trend. My 3 pound Yorkie wore lilac silk to my wedding. The only rule to remember when putting your pooch in the nuptial line of fire is be kind. Make sure you have someone to put your pet someplace safe once the festivities are underway and make sure they have food and water. Plus, keep any animal tormenting children far, far away.

True confession? My dog might have worn a similar dress to my wedding. And it might come with a matching headband.

4. Same-sex Wedding Cake Toppers

Cute and kitch, many LGBT couples are opting to put two little Grooms or two little Brides at the top of their cakes. Wedding cake toppers have gone out of style among the hetero set, with outrageously priced and fondant sleek cakes being the norm. However, if you are queer- go ahead and shout it from the top of your cake!

5. Green Weddings

No, I’m not talking about color schemes, I’m talking saving the earth! Gays love a good trip down altruism lane and we have led the charge when it comes to environmental friendliness. When I got married, we contracted with a printer that used all recycled paper. This meant that our save-the-dates, invitations, menus, place cards and thank-you notes were all green! We also used a party bus to shuttle people to and from their hotels, that really cut down on the CO2 emissions and let our guests get as drunk as they wanted! Totally a win-win for all involved.

Ask the Femme: Online Dating is too Hard! Oh and Real Life Dating is too Hard Also

Tags

advice, ask the femme, Dating, ex, femme, friend zone, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, marriage, online dating, Queer, relationships, romance, runaway bride, soul mate, the one

If you go into every date expecting this to happen-it's not gonna work

Dating: 99% of us will have to do it at one time or another in our lives. And you know what? It’s not great. It’s stressful especially since the stakes are so high. Think about it: you are looking for your soulmate. That’s a pretty tall order and the pressure is bound to get to anyone eventually.

I always tell people to relax and enjoy dating, because one day you will get married and spend the rest of your life with someone. I got some great questions from you guys this weekend about dating. So let’s get down and dirty with it!

Dear Femme,

I’m trying online dating for the first time and I’m so overwhelmed. I get tons of messages that I don’t have time to reply to and it seems like every time I go online I get instant messaged. I have been on one date and it was a total bust. There is another girl from the site I am talking to, but I don’t think she’s my type. I think I am just going to give up. I have a full time career, a large circle of friends and family and volunteer in my free time. I just don’t think I have time to devote to this anymore. What do you think?

Pick me, choose me, love me

Online Bust

Hi OB,
Thanks for writing! First of all, don’t be overwhelmed. This process is supposed to be fun and exciting, not stressful! Take a deep breath and remember why you joined an online dating service in the first place, to meet someone who has the same interests as you. So carve out a chunk of time, turn off your cell phone, turn off the tv, hide your online status and go through your messages. Delete the ones that you think you won’t have any chemistry with, either for physical reasons or grammatical ones. Write back to the ones you like. Not to the ones your friends pick out for you, or the ones that look the most likely to piss off your ex the ones that you feel drawn to at first glance. Trust your gut, don’t second guess.

It's hard but you can do it, I believe in you!

The next step is to browse. Don’t let other women choose you, find women you would choose for yourself. Send them each a personalized message based on the interests you share. Don’t just copy and paste the same message over and over. By doing this you will take control of the situation and you will feel more proactive and less overwhelmed.

The last step, don’t talk to either the girl you met in person or the girl you are talking to. Don’t waste your time or theirs.  Good luck and let me know if you meet anyone!

Dear Femme,

I’ve been single for two years. It seems like every time I start dating someone, things go smoothly for one or two months and then she just disappears! I don’t get it. I don’t have sex with anyone until I think they are really interested (definitely not on the first date!) and everything always seems to be fine until the other person stops returning my calls. I’m not a needy person, I don’t call or text my dates every five minutes but I pay enough attention for them to know I am interested. What am I doing wrong? Thanks for your help!

Two Month Chump

Imagine this movie title is "Runaway Lesbian Date" There. Now it's perfect.

Hi TMC,

Thanks for writing! I’m sorry to hear about your predicament, it’s a pretty tricky situation. I don’t know much about you, but I’m going to try to give you the best advice possible.  There are several different possibilities.

1)      It’s not you, it’s them: What type of women are you choosing to date? What is the common thread? Do you tend to choose women who have just gotten out of long-term relationships? Do you gravitate towards women who aren’t looking for a long term partner?  Try to find out on the first or second date if your date is emotionally available or just looking for a good time. Usually you can just trust your instincts on this one. If she starts crying into her ice cream about her ex-girlfriend, she’s probably not ready to date anyone seriously. That’s your cue to cut her out or put her into the friend zone. This is the best way to ensure you don’t get your feelings hurt down the road.

You: "Nice Weather" Her: "MY EX LOVES WEATHER WAAAA" That's your cue to run away, Simba. Run away and never return.

2)      It’s not them, it’s you: What signals do you send to your dates? Are you sending them “friend zone” signals? Do come across as not wanting to be in a long-term relationship? Listen to yourself when you talk, do you talk about your ex too much? Do you talk about traveling the world with no ties or commitments to anyone or anything? These are red flags to girls who are looking to settle down with someone. If a month has passed and the girl is still around, talk about a future that applies to both of you.

Good luck, TMC and let me know if it works!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com or message me on FB http://www.facebook.com/natasiarose