Interview with Drae Campbell of Prime: The Queer Party for Grown Folks

Tags

Brooklyn, Drae Campbell, gay, Interview, lesbian, LGBT, nightlife, NYC, Over 30, Parties, Pride, Prime, Queer

Head to Prime June 22nd!

It’s Pride season and it’s time to party! I’ve been getting a ton of questions from women in their 30’s about where they can go to meet and party with women their own age. Lovlies, I have an answer. It’s a queer party in Brooklyn called Prime and it’s run by former Ms. Lez Drae Campbell. In her own words, Prime is the queer party for grown folks. Specifically geared toward queers over 30 and the people who love them! Their pride party takes place this Saturday at Jack’s. I was lucky enough to get to sit down with Drae to get the inside track on how Prime came to be.

How did you brainstorm the vision behind Prime?

The vision for Prime is ever evolving. Basically I want to make a fun party that doesn’t treat older people as if they’re ‘old’.  Just because I’m over 30 doesn’t mean I want to stand around having important conversations or doing whatever is expected of my age. We all need to blow off steam and dance and laugh and feel awkward and hook up and whatever it is you do at a party. Just be social sometimes.

I’m inspired by other successful Brooklyn parties such as Yes Ma’am , Hey Queen and Azucar.  I’m also inspired by the queer community.

When it comes to 30 something’s, what are some of the obstacles to finding a place to meet new friends or potential partners?

I feel that nightlife is mostly geared toward young people. The parties that are geared toward older people are geared toward our professional lives. Our work is important but it can easily be mixed with our imaginative, fun side. It’s a facade that acting mature means you are mature. I often find it’s the opposite. Other obstacles are that lots of people over 30 are coupled up and feel that going to a party is for single people or young people.

How does Prime try to help smooth over some of the social challenges of being here, queer and over 30?

I’ve noticed that lots of people like to make jokes about Prime being the older peoples party, it starting early and lots of being old type jokes. I love that. I like that we can laugh at ourselves. It creates community within community as well.

A few Prime parties have featured queer performers. Is it important to you to help promote artists at the event?

Absolutely. I’m an entertainer and a performer myself, so i’m very interested in featuring performers and entertainers as part of the event.

We’ve had lots of burlesque at Prime, but we also had a performance from the hit musical ‘The Lesbian Love Octagon”,  we’ve had rapper Dio, ‘The Native American Gandih’, burlesque performer, Divina Gransparkle and for our Prime Pride party we will be playing the films of renowned photographer Katrina Del Mar on repeat while we dance.  AND, we will have free treats and vegan goodies from the new queer owned baked good co. , Mister Sister as well as $affordable homemade jello shots from Mizz June of June-O shots.  Love having all these self made women and queers offering their amazing talents. June 22nd is gonna be like some crazy amazing queer pride carnival. Can’t wait!

Also, we have one really special thing at Prime that you probably won’t find anywhere else.. It’s called ‘The Woo Corner’. Basically , there’s this amazing woman named Shaina who comes to the party and people line up and fight to see her. She does ‘unblockings’ and intuitive readings. She has an uncanny knack for reading people and helping them refocus.

Also,  it’s a great conversation starter and  taps into a lot of stuff you think about more seriously as you get older. She’s really great in matters of love, success, money. All that stuff. She’s helped me. She’s awesome.

I think the success of Prime has a lot to do with DJ Noa D. Noa is a great, creative, hard working DJ who knows how to vibe off the crowd. Noa plays the old stuff that we like and the hits that the kids love as well.  When Noa spins, people do not stop dancing. At our Pride party on June 22nd, we’re gonna have both NOA and DJ Shomi Noise. If you haven’t heard Shomi spin, come to this party.

Prime is held at Jack’s, for now. Is it hard to convince a straight venue to use space for queer party?

Jack is a theater and event space. Alec Duffy, who I know from the the theater world, is my contact. From what I can tell Alec and JACK are interested in making JACK a part of the community it is in be it queer, straight, what have you. They do a lot of amazing work and a couple other queer events.  I haven’t had any trouble at all.  Alec was very interested and open about making JACK a safe , queer space for Prime.

What are some of your most memorable Prime stories?

I had several people tell me they met someone or made a date or got a number at Prime. That’s the best. Other than that, whatever happens at Prime, stays at Prime. We are grown folks, after all.

Want to go to Prime? RSVP on their FB page

Ask the Femme: Is it OK to Cheat on my Husband with a Woman…Again?

Tags

advice, bars, bicurious, bisexual, casual sex, cheating, Dating, gay, gingers, hooking up, lesbian, LGBT, Love, marriage, open marriage, Queer, relationships, Sex

Hi Natasia,

Time for some tough love

I was wondering if you can answer some questions for me or perhaps give me some advice. I stumbled upon your blog while searching for lesbian coffee shops in NYC. Me and my husband moved to NYC from the South half a year ago. Since I was in high school and more actively in college, I have thought and messed around with women on very few occasions. I had actual relations with only one girl. That story ended up being a very destructive one which completely negated and perhaps suppressed every concept of women being together.   

I sort of came out to my boyfriend at the time I was messing around with my “girlfriend” and that boyfriend is actually my husband now. I also told some friends. I think I was caught more so in the moment to do that and later regretted it. I thought my feelings and thoughts about women were completely behind me until recently. 

My husband is away at work for three months and I keep wanting to venture out to some lesbian watering hole to see. See what? I am not sure. I am not sure what I should be looking for and don’t even know if that is a good idea. 

You know the whole idea about opening Pandora’s box and then being in a lot of trouble. I guess I don’t want to hurt my husband if I was to leave him yet again for the same issue. Also, I don’t think I am a lesbian or a bisexual person or anything of that sort. How do you know if you even know if you are one?  I hope this doesn’t sound too cliché, but I don’t know if my college experiences qualify as legit experiences to which attribute how I classify myself sexually. How do you know? 

At times, I feel like I got stuck in the fab of being temporarily into women (my friend in college fell into the same pattern, I feel like we did that together just for the fun of it because we were so bored with ourselves, as awful as that sounds).  I sometimes tell myself that it is absolutely gross, messing around with women that is. In reality I do that only because I am afraid to admit the truth to myself whatever the truth may be.  I spent a lot of time online trying to figure out if I want to go to Ginger’s Bar or places such as, to see if I am attracted to any women. However, I don’t think I would be able to go by myself and look. I cannot tell anyone either or ask for company. Plus, from what I read, a lot of places in NYC cater to non girly women that I often find attractive. I also don’t think it’s fair to lie to somebody that I am not married, if I do meet someone.  Any advice? Sorry about writing a book for you to read. Your blog is very interesting.

• Honey

Oh Honey,

There’s a lot to unpack here. So much I barely know where to start. I’m sorry you are so conflicted. Let’s break it down.

First of all, you say maybe you were just into women because you were bored. Um. No. Not unless you have been bored through high school and college and while you were dating your future husband…who you cheated on.

Which brings me to my second point. You cheated on your boyfriend with a woman and then get upset with the whole concept of same sex relationships because it ended badly for you…because you were cheating on someone. That’s why it ended badly, not because it was two women. Because YOU were a liar and a cheater. I’m not judging you for this. Mistakes happen and people slip up.  I’m not monogamy’s biggest proponent, but you need to acknowledge that this is what happened and get rid of your victim mentality.

“Hey ladies, I just met the man I think I’m going to marry! Dating him is just so exciting that I’m super bored and want to stick my tongue in your mouth!” Said no straight woman ever.

I know this sounds harsh; but you need to take responsibility for your actions and not pass your attraction to women off as “being bored” or trying to get yourself back on the straight and narrow by trying to convince yourself that girls hooking up with girls is gross. You are hurting yourself and you are hurting the person you are married too.

Let me tell you how I know you’re probably bisexual or a lesbian. Straight women don’t worry nearly as much about being queer as you do. If you were straight and maybe experimenting in high school or college, the ‘phase’ would be over by now since you’re married. If I thought you wanted just a friendship and someone to talk to about the queer experience, I would tell you how to made queerbros. Plenty of monogamous bisexual women have friends of both genders and all orientations and don’t sleep with them.

BUT I’m not going to tell you where to go to meet hot women. Because you want to cheat on your husband by sleeping with them, be torn up about it and then be like “girlsex is gross and always ends horribly!” That is, very clearly, what you would like me to sanction you doing. You don’t need my permission to “be bored” and have sex with a woman. Guess whose permission you need to do that?

Right, the permission of the person you married. So ask him! Tell him that you are lonely when he’s gone and want to explore your bisexual leanings. Tell him you’ve obviously been very conflicted and confused for most of your post-pubescent life and you would like a chance to mingle with some queer women and figure it out once and for all. If he understands where you are coming from, great! Go find a willing lady. If he isn’t into it, I recommend you go to a therapist and talk through your internalized homophobia and how to make peace with bisexual tendencies which you are unable to explore because you are monogamous with a man.

The last point I would like to make is that nowhere do you mention how happy you are with your husband or how great he is, blah blah blah. All that couple stuff and qualifiers I usually get from people in sexually incompatible partnerships is completely missing from this (long) email. You might want to examine your relationship and see if this marriage what you want, or if you need time to figure out yourself. There’s no shame in figuring out who you are and what you really want, but be honest about it.

Good luck, Honey. If you see me in Ginger’s, say hi!

xoxo

The Femme

Have a question for me? askafemme@yahoo.com

photo credit: Alaskan Dude via photopin cc

Ask the Femme: How do you Handle Racist Family Members?

Tags

advice, Family Issues, lesbian, LGBT, Politically Correct, Queer, Racism, The L word

Hi Femme, 

What do you do when 95% of your family is embarrassingly racist and your girlfriend is non-white? I’d like to begin a conversation about their overt racism (which they see as “jokes”, but it’s beyond offensive) without starting a war. They know not to say anything about my girlfriend’s nationality, but they insult every other group! It makes us so angry.

Sensitive in Seattle 

Hey SIS,

I think almost all of us can sympathize with this dilemma. I have a loud Puerto Rican family and when it comes to jokes, no group is safe. That being said, at the end of the day no one is being serious. It sounds to me like even though your family is calling these statements jokes, there’s a hint of truth that comes through and is making you and your gf crazy. And it totally should!

Here’s a quick lesson in how not to handle this. Once upon a time, a very young Hot Femme went home with her white girlfriend for Thanksgiving. At the dinner table, two family members were talking about their Latina cleaning ladies and laughing at them; their accents, their attractiveness level, everything. I cursed everyone out…like graphically. I also lost any sympathy anyone would have had for me by not acting like a lady, or whatever. If I was you, here’s how I would proceed:

1. Approach a few of the most sensitive members of your family one-on-one. Maybe that’s your mom, aunt, cousin, uncle- and explain to them that this is something that’s really bothering you. Don’t point fingers, but do mention some specific instances that back up your feelings. Chances are this will slip through the family grapevine and the offending parties will soften their behavior when you’re around.

2. The next time someone says something offensive and says “just kidding” just say something along the lines of “I know that’s a joke and I don’t want to ruin everyone’s good time, but racial jokes make me uncomfortable.” If they press you just laugh and say “Try saying that joke in front of a [insert targeted ethnicity] person” If the person doesn’t stop, leave the gathering. It doesn’t need to be an angry dramatic exit, simply state that you aren’t comfortable participating in this conversation and you’re going home to watch The L Word. If you keep everything smiles and honey, it will be hard for people to come at you with serious vinegar.

Chances are only a few of your family members really even enjoy the ‘jokes’ and the rest are just going with the flow. While you might not I don’t think that will stop your family from making the jokes, but if you stick with it eventually they will stop doing it in front of you, if for no other reason then they don’t want you to leave. Will they call you sensitive and too politically correct? Yes, but who cares! You’re being awesome.

Last bit of advice, don’t even bother bringing your girlfriend into this. Make it about your feelings so no one can displace any hurt or anger onto her.

I hope this helped! Let us all know how it goes.

xoxo

Hot Femme

Have a question? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com 

Interview with Musician Sierra West

Tags

Alternative Rock, animal, artist, Break ups, Celebrities, coming out, ellen, Entertainment, healing, Interview, joan baez, lesbian, LGBT, Love, music, Queer, relationship, Sierra West, U Haul

Image courtesy of http://www.sierrarocks.com

Sierra West is the latest talented queer lady to hit the music scene hard. West released her latest LP, “Hold Your Fire” in early September. Her sound is soothing, with an edge and her lyrics are sprinkled with metaphors referencing nature. West turned to music after the sudden loss of her brother to a drunk driver and her pain, love and hope is reflected in her sound. The openly lesbian animal lover chatted with me about music, break-ups, U-hauls and animals. What more could you want in a gay lady interview?!

Hot Femme: When did you discover your passion for music?

Sierra West: I’ve always loved living and creating music. I suppose it became my passion in high school after a difficult break-up.  However, it became my career focus at UVM in Chittenden Hall when my new friend Dawn made me play in the hallway for all the girls on our floor. I never had so much fun. I later became one of the first performers at Radio Bean (Burlington, VT), which was quite a change from secretly playing and writing in my room at home. I have been playing out ever since. I will always be a writer and musician, perhaps I always was.

HF: What was your first song about?

SW: My Aunt Joanie secretly taped me singing in my room when I was around the age of 5. She mailed me the tape for my 18^th birthday and one song was about my best friend Brooke, her older sister, and gymnastics. It’s pretty funny. I wrote other songs in 8^th grade that were more environmental. I remember submitting to a magazine as a school assignment in which Jackson Browne would cover the song if it won. Mine was not chosen, but it was about saving dolphins and I bet it made someone smile.

HF: You’ve mentioned that Joan Baez and Bob Dylan are two of your most important musical influences, what is it about their music that you relate too?

SW: I really connect with the raw content, the lyrics, and the history behind the stories. They are the artists who opened my eyes to folk music. Actually, Ani DiFranco made me aware of folk artists like Woody Guthrie and Utah Phillips much along the same path. They were creating a movement, a community, a way of living. They didn’t just write songs, they changed lives…and still do.

Image courtesy of http://www.sierrarocks.com

HF: You’re here and queer; has that had any impact on your music?

SW: Absolutely, it keeps it interesting. In fact, I have performed at several Dyke March Fundraisers and opened for a few drag shows. One more recently in Northampton, MA called “Suicide is a Drag” for the Mass Coalition for Suicide Prevention. Being “here and queer” requires combating a lot of hatred, fear, and loneliness. It is important to be open and help other people feel supported and less alone.

HF: You’re a super huge animal lover, working as a vet tech and donating regularly to animal shelters….which is pretty par for the course for lesbians. Why do you think we all love animals so much?

SW: I actually never correlated the two together aside from knowing how much Ellen DeGeneres supports animal causes, but now that you ask I can see why. I wanted to be a veterinarian since I was four years old, but I didn’t realize I was queer until my senior year in high school. I can’t speak for everyone, but I imagine it is because animals usually don’t judge people or discriminate against them. They love unconditionally. Judgment comes with a history of abuse or trauma. I think it is our duty to speak for them and help calm their fear. We practice compassion and forgiveness because we are challenged on a daily basis. We combat fear every day.

HF: Have you ever U-hauled with a girlfriend and then written a song about it?

SW: I haven’t, but I did just U-haul all the way across the country for love. Maybe now is the time for that song to come out!

HF: To take a serious turn, fans may not know this, but you lost your brother to a drunk driver suddenly when you were a teenager. How has music helped you heal from your loss?

SW: Music is the only thing that keeps me sane when I think about it. I not only lost a brother and all of the friends we shared at the time, but I lost my unconditional best friend for life. The healing is never complete; it just changes form and reveals itself in new ways. He was a musician as well, an extraverted, fun-loving people person. I was very shy and quiet, but we shared music all the time. I know we would be performing together if he were here. He is with me every time I sing.

HF: Which songs (both of yours and in general) would you recommend for people who are suffering from the loss of a loved one?

SW: I wrote a song called “21” for Jay when I was 17 on my self-made album Depleted Oxygen. I have written others, but have yet to put them on an album. The three songs that currently jump out at me are “Send Me On My Way” by Rusted Root (which was dedicated to him at a live show the summer after it happened), “Horses” by Rickie Lee Jones, and “Goodbye” by Patty Griffin. In general, anything that gets the emotions out.

HF: Your latest album, “Hold Your Fire,” was released earlier this month. What are some of the themes you explore and what message do you want listeners to walk away with.

SW: I explore various themes, but the most important message from the album comes from “Good Enough” because it deals with rejection and self-doubt. My favorite line from that song is “you want the castle, but not the sand”. I want listeners to overcome not being accepted. If a person doesn’t like you, a college doesn’t accept you, a radio station won’t play you, a job falls through, you don’t get picked for the team, or you don’t win the contest of your dreams or get the gig…just keep trying. Someone will think you’re good enough the way you are if you keep trying. It’s about stamina.

HF: You recently moved from Boston to San Diego, where can locals go to hear you?

SW: I will be attending and volunteering at the Independent Music Conference in LA October 18-21^st (http://www.indiemusicon.com) and attending the HMMA as a nominee for “Hold Your Fire” (http://www.hmmawards.org) in LA November 15th. As a new artist unfamiliar with the area, I will explore the open mic circuit, especially at LeStat’s Coffee House on Tuesday nights. I will have a performance with ListenLocalSD (http://www.listenlocalsd.com) in the future and am very excited to build a fan base here. I hope to become well acquainted with the Belly Up (about a ten-minute walk from my new home) and have a community much like the one I had back east at Passim. For now, the best way to hear my music is online through my website, which will connect you to me through any link of your choice (http://www.sierrarocks.com).

Interview with Stephanie Schroeder, Author of “Beautiful Wreck”

Tags

bipolar, dyke spam, gay, Interview, lesbian, LGBT, literary, literature, memoir, New York City, Queer, relationships, Sex, suicide, tourettes

 

Stephanie Schroeder gracing the cover of “Beautiful Wreck,” which is currently gracing my nightstand

Queer girl biographies are never for the faint of heart and Stephanie Schroeder’s “Beautiful Wreck: Sex, Lies and Suicide” is no exception. Schroeder’s  memoir tells the story of her life as a 20-something New York City transplant, struggling with undiagnosed bipolar disease and tourettes. Oh yeah and dyke drama. Of course.

“Beautiful Wreck” touches on so many subjects near and dear to my heart that I had to interview Stephanie. Luckily for all of us, she said yes!

Hot Femme: How did you decide the time was right to tell your story?

Stephanie Schroeder: I’ve worked on this book for almost 10 years. I began writing it while I was still living it. “It” meaning dealing with severe depression and also mania, a psychotic break and diagnosis of bipolar disorder, a cheating girlfriend, one final suicide attempt, and so many other issues. I put my manuscript down and picked it up many, many times. I was unemployed for two years and it sat untouched the entire time because I was too busy worrying about just surviving–and I really wasn’t ready to finish it. But when I picked it up again in 2010, I was determined to finish it, hired an editor and seriously pitched it to agents and publishers. So that was my personal timeline. In addition, the time was ripe for a brutally honest story about intimate partner violence in the lesbian community. Plus, I have been blogging about mental illness and speaking on the topic for some time. I thought the timing was perfect to publish my memoir to address so many important issues around health, mental health, abuse, survival and other topics.

HF: You expose a lot of yourself, and others, in Beautiful Wreck. How did you decide to let go and share your experiences?

SS: I’ve been letting my stuff hang out in public for a very long time. I’m all about removing stigma and bearing personal witness in the process. I’m not being narcissistic, just very open (and vulnerable) in presenting my story. I hope other people see themselves in my work, not necessarily as a person with mental illness, but in any other situation in the book and do what they need to do. I’m all for helping people find their voice, whatever that means, and I hope this helps others find their own authenticity, to speak up as writers, artists, advocates, activists, as survivors of abuse of whatever kind, or anything else.

HF: How has your family reacted?

SS: I sent manuscripts to my entire biological family about a month before going to press: both my parents and my two sisters. They had all said write whatever I want, tell my own truth and they would deal with the result. My sister Ann, who is only two years younger, has been supportive throughout. My other sister, who is 10 years younger, hasn’t said a word. And, I actually cut out the sex scenes from the manuscripts I sent to my parents. My mother said she is profoundly sad I had to go through such a rough time in my childhood and teenage years and that she played a part in it. My father said he thought I let him off easy, which I think is the case with father in general. (And, for the record, my therapist would agree with me.)

HF: Do any of your exes know about Beautiful Wreck and have your heard from any of them?

SS: I was in the process of writing the book when I was with Phoebe, but I’m not sure she knows it’s been published. Melanie knows because a mutual friend told her about the publication. I don’t know whether she’s read it and neither she nor anyone else who is in the book has contacted me.

HF: Domestic violence is a problem that generally goes unmentioned in the lesbian community. Did you envision your memoir as a way to get this dialogue started?

SS: Yes and no. Intimate partner violence is mentioned from time to time in the queer press. I’ve blogged about it and other lesbian journalists have written about in popular lesbian publications. Lesbian therapists have published papers about it, etc. But it is a major issue I want to bring to light and keep the conversation going — or get it started!

HF: You write about several relationships that you stay in even after they are “past their expiration date.” This is something that a lot of women do, why did you stay in dysfunctional relationships and why do you think that this is so prevalent among women?

SS: I think it’s prevalent among everyone! It’s hard to break up and no one wants to hurt someone they have loved at some point by leaving them. I stayed because I was depressed, I had let myself be put in a position where I didn’t have an sustainable income or an independent way to support myself, and I sometimes felt I needed someone else to take care of me. There were lot of reasons due to my specific situations and circumstances.

HF: In the book you reveal the many ways that you have reinvented your style over the years, even going from androgynous to super femme. This is particularly interesting because many of us kind of pick one and run with it. What would you call your look now and why is this something that is so fluid for you.

SS: My style was fluid in the past — and I suppose could be again in the future. I would say that my present style is “urban cowgurl.” I have definitely been very femme in the past and at the time it felt right. I also felt that because I was attracted to very butch women in the past I had to be super femme in contrast. I feel more at home with myself now than ever before. But, it’s not just because of my style or lesbian “label” thought I do love my T-shirts, Levis and cowgurl boots…I feel better because I have come to terms with my illness and been stable with it for over six years. Also becauseI am seen and heard for who I really am rather than who someone wants me to be or thinks they can mold me to be (like Lauren does in the book).

HF: In the book you reveal that you have both Tourette’s disease and Bipolar disease. What advice would you give to someone who is trying to be supportive to a partner with one of these afflictions?

SS: Don’t be a watcher and worrier. I’m adamant about that. I don’t want to be monitored because I am an adult and ultimately responsible for my actions being bipolar or have TS or not.  I would advise having support “team” who keeps an eye out. Have doctors with knowledge, peers and other people you know with either disorder so you are not isolated. My girlfriend has all the phone numbers and info for my doctors and family as well as about all my medications and dosages. I should have a psychiatric advance directive, which is what many people do. It’s to communicate treatment preferences in case of a psychiatric emergency. I don’t have on, though, because both my family of choice and family of origin know my wishes and would not battle each other about any treatment I might need involuntarily. They are all on the same page.

HF: Do you have any advice for aspiring writers?

SS: I like stream of consciousness writing. To put it bluntly, just vomit your words onto the page and worry about editing, reordering and everything else later.

HF: Now that you’ve told your life story, what projects are you working on now?

SS: I write for Curve Magazine and have all sorts of assignments there. And, I have a new book project that is not a sequel, which people keep asking about. It’s about a friend of mine who died two years ago. He was an ex-pat I met in Holland. He was my father’s age and had worked at Gove Press in its heyday. He was an esteemed illustrator who only drew for progressive publications, and he wrote and illustrated his own books as well as others’ work. I find him extremely fascinating and think others will, too. His longtime companion gave me all the contact info she could find on his computer and what info she had about friends of his from back in the day, for his family and other acquaintances and I’m just now beginning to contact them. He was from the Bronx so a lot are still here in New York City.

HF: Where can fans find you?

SS: My book site is http://www.beautifulwreck.com, my writing website is http://www.stephanieschroeder.com. I’m on Twitter at @StephS910 and @BeautifulWreck1 . My personal mental health activist blog is http://www.beautifulwreck1.wordpress.com and you can just plain find me on Facebook, my page is public.

NYC Fringe Festival Reviews: “Hadrian’s Wall” and “June and Nancy”

Tags

actors, Arts, coming out, Entertainment, Fringe Festival, gay, Hadrian's Wall, Hollywood, indie, June and Nancy, lesbian, LGBT, Love, NYC, NYC Fringe Festival, NYC Theater, Plays, Queer, relationships, reviews, Theater

Hot Femme, coming to a theater near you

The New York City Fringe Festival features almost two hundred different plays each August and showcases them at various theaters around the city. The plays are a great way to appreciate the glut of amazing talent that surrounds us. As well as explore new neighborhoods to get wastey-pants in, but I digress.

The two plays I went to this week were both queer themed (what a surprise!) The first one I want to talk about is “June and Nancy.” In this play, June, a 1950’s housewife and aspiring artist is stuck in a rut. She doesn’t want the “Happily Ever After” that other women her age want and she starts drinking as a way of coping. One day, she runs into the recently unemployed Nancy, a career woman who is struggling with sexism in the workplace in a time before “sexism” was even considered a problem.

To summarize the plot in this way, doesn’t do it justice. This play is more than the sum of it’s parts. It’s an exploration of fear and hope and the ways in which they can drive us to fulfill our desires or construct prisons of our own making. Michelle Ramoni plays the titular June, and she also is the playwright of this piece. She throws herself headlong into her world. She believes in this alternate plane of reality in a way that is infectious. She writes June and Nancy’s love story in a way that feels true. It will remind you of every time you have ever fallen in love. The surprise of the shared interests and passions are new and exciting for both Nancy and June and the audience. Gabrielle Maisels plays Nancy and she has incredible chemistry with Ramoni. One can tell Maisels is a seasoned actress in the way each of her movements is perfectly timed and measured, even when assisting in changing the scenery in between acts. She’s a joy to watch. Plus she takes her top off and as Nancy exclaims, her “breasts are perfect.”

The supporting cast, Jeffery Coyne as June’s husband and Peter Daniel Straus as Nancy’s BFF flesh out the cast. One gets the sense that the entire cast studied 50’s films in order to infuse their characters with the appropriate mannerisms of the time. If you only see one Fringe play, I would make this this one. I laughed, I cried and then went home and cried some more. Go to http://juneandnancy.com/ for showtimes and tickets.

I also saw “Hadrian’s Wall,” a play about an archeologist who has let her professional life crumble when she is investigated for stealing an important artifact from a potential digging site. Ramona is a shut-in, whose only contact with the outside world is a married ex-boyfriend, who is her best friend and also defending her in the investigation. Ramona’s life is turned upside down when a sexy grad student, Amy, delivers her library books and awakens her passion for archeology and hot, hot lesbian sex.

This play is at it’s best when it’s deep. When it delves into the motivations behind exes who stay friends and when it explores the depths of love scorned and the jealousy and destruction that it can wreck. It is also funny and sexy, with Rebecca White as Amy providing the dykey cheesecake. It’s also great to see a play that has a lesbian relationship, without being a traditional “coming out story.” I love a good coming out story, but it’s also nice to see queer women in stories that are about finding fulfillment outside of coming out. Like Hadrian’s Wall on Facebook to find out more about the cast and crew, as well as showtimes and tickets.

I’m shocked by how much I enjoyed both plays, especially since I’m not a big fan of sitting still and being quiet for an hour and a half. But I’ve been reminded that there are still artists with messages that are worth listening to. Do yourself a favor and don’t waste your time and 20$ to go see another canned Hollywood remake. Go to the Fringe Festival and enjoy the sharp, imaginative writing and talented, non-botoxed, actors. There’s about a week of Fringe left, don’t let August pass without getting to at least one: http://www.fringenyc.org/

Girls with Tattoos

Tags

Black and Blue Tattoo, Body Art, East Side Ink, gay, Hot girls with tattoos, Ink, inked, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, NYC, Queer, San Francisco, Tat, Tattoo, Tattoos, tumblr, White Rabbit

How hot are women with tattoos?

That’s a rhetorical question
(Image via pinuppeepshow)

I’ve always been crazy about ladies with ink. Luckily for me, most queer women seem to love getting them. Why are lesbians more likely to enjoy having strangers draw on them with indelible ink and sharp needles? Here are some hypothesis:

A) Girls who love girls are different, and we frequently choose to literally wear our uniqueness on our skin.

B) We are little sicko pervs who like the way it feels to get inked.

C) We are just awesome badasses.

Tattoos and dogs…it’s a grrl thing
(Image via fuck yeah girls with tatts)

I’ve wanted a tattoo for a few years now. But I’ve always been too scared of the pain and too unable to commit to any particular image. Until now.

I was so brave, you guys!

For any of you who are thinking of getting tattoo’s let me share with you what I’ve learned from this process. You know, the kind of things no one else is going to tell you.

Treat Your Body Like a Temple

You know how some women say, “I would never get a tattoo…why would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley?” That drives me crazy, because it implies that all tattoos are just ink and not actual artwork. The best way to combat this is by getting a tattoo that means something to you and fits your aesthetic. Do your body  favor and DON’T just walk into any tattoo parlor. You deserve the best artist in the most kick ass shop in your town. Personally, I went to Kristi Walls at East Side Ink. For those of you in NYC, White Rabbit is also known for it’s amazing artistry. For West Coast queers, Black and Blue Tattoo in San Francisco is a woman owned shop that has a mostly gay clientele.

Make it Meaningful

A few people have told me that 28 is too old to get a first tattoo and well…they are kind of right. I waited until I was completely sure of what I wanted to get. My tattoo is a simple black rose with the 8 compass points rising from it, in the shape of thorns. I wanted the Rose because it’s my grandmother’s name, and my middle name, and let me tell you my grandma is awesome. The compass points are there to remind me to have more confidence that my decisions will lead me down the right paths in life. So I don’t regret waiting.

It Hurts

This is my “I’m not too comfortable right now” face

Okay, so it hurts. But it hurts less than people tell you it will. After awhile it also kind of feels good. When people warn you that tattoos can be addictive, the good part of the pain is what they are talking about. What ABSOLUTELY NO ONE tells you is that it hurts AFTER. Mine hurt for about two days afterward, it felt like an intense sunburn. It will itch too, like really bad. You can’t scratch it though, so if you can’t reach your tattoo you are going to have to ask a loved one to smack it.

Also, if you are scared of the pain part of getting tattooed, pick a place without a ton of bone or nerve endings, consider sticking with black ink and less shading.

YOU WILL SHED

LIKE A SNAKE IN MOLTING SEASON! Well, that’s me being dramatic. What your artist will tell you after you get the tattoo, but that no one will mention beforehand, is that your tattoo will peel like a sunburn. A gross, gross sunburn. It won’t be cute.

She looks great now, but when her arm was healing she probably stayed home watching Sex and the City reruns…BECAUSE SHE WAS MOLTING

Don’t Get Tattooed In the Summer

Because you can’t sunbathe or go swimming for TWO WEEKS! It totally blew.

Interview with LEZ Factor Founder, Milly DuBouchet

Tags

bicurious, bisexual, boi, Dating, gay, lesbian, Lez, LEZ Factor, LGBT, Love, Meeting girls, NYC, Queer, relationships, Sex

“How do you meet women in New York City?” That’s probably the question I get asked the most. There’s a perception that because New York is a huge city, it’s easier to meet people. The truth is, it can make it even harder. People already have a set circle of friends and breaking into a clique is rough, no matter where you are.

LEZ Factor: Teaching Lesbians the Science of Chemistry
Photography by Lauren Marie Marsh http://www.laurenmariemarsh.com

That’s why I want to introduce all my readers to LEZ Factor. If you’re a queer girl in NYC, chances are you have seen LEZ Factor everywhere lately, at the Pride Parade and in your friends’ Facebook feeds. LEZ Factor is the newest and easiest way to meet women in NYC. I sat down with LEZ Factor founder, Milly DuBouchet, to get the inside scoop.

Hot Femme: How did you come up with the idea for LEZ Factor? How long have you been around?

Milly Dubouchet: I’m in a loving, committed, long-term relationship – and I couldn’t be happier with life because of it. I guess I just wish everyone experienced the same type of love. That life-changing love. I figured I had to start somewhere, and I truly feel that a lot of women are missing out because they struggle with very fundamental social sticking points that keep them from attracting the right woman. Essentially, I’m helping women ultimately get to point Z by hand-holding them through points A, B, C, and beyond. We’ve been producing events for women since March 2011 but officially launched our coaching services in November of last year.

HF: How did you meet your partner?

MD: Delia and I met at Syracuse University during our undergraduate studies. We took an Economics class together. I wanted her the moment she walked into the lecture hall! We spent years in a flirtatious whirlwind and when it happened, boy did it happen! I’ve never looked back since. No matter how many women I was dating in college; no matter how many wanted access to my heart, it wasn’t possible. Delia already had it in a choke hold! lol Seven years later and she’s still my world.

What’s better than going home with a hot girl? Going home with a hot girl and her girlfriend.

HF: What makes you stand out from other dating services?

MD: LEZ Factor only caters to lesbian, bisexual, and bicurious women, so that sets us apart. It’s a “for us, by us” type of company. We’re also young, hip, and really big on dating with integrity. We encourage women to be their best selves and to challenge themselves to be the creators of their own romantic success. We’re not matchmakers and we’re sort of the antithesis of online dating! We’ll support you if you choose to date 5 women at once, so long as you place a high priority on being honest with all of them. A lot of folks put basic moral values on the back-burner while they navigate the single life, which can be really detrimental to their dating success. We place a strong emphasis on doing the right thing when we advise women, and I think that’s pretty unique in this day and age!

HF: You offer extensive “training” for your members. Why do you think it’s so much harder for queer women to make a connection and how do you think your advice differs from standard “pick-up artist” advice? (i.e. Mystery from VH1)

MD: While queer women share a lot of the same challenges that straight women do, we also have a few nuances that complicate things. Straight women generally expect men to make the first approach. For us, it’s not as black and white. We also have feminine presenting women who also date feminine presenting women. Their challenge is being perceived as straight because they don’t physically look like a stereotypical lesbian. I can go on and on! LEZ Factor takes these factors into account when advising women. The standard “pick-up artist” advice is generally male-geared and sex specific. Their objective is to get men laid – period! Our mission is a lot more humble than that. We truly care about empowering women to love themselves so that they can attract the women they want from the inside out.

Milly wants hot women to wrap their legs around you. That’s sweet of her.

HF: What is the most common mistake that you see more queer girls making when it comes to their social lives?

MD: One thing I’m noticing more and more of is the growing trend of online dating. Queer women are opting to date via the Internet as opposed to getting out and meeting some real, 3-dimensional ladies. Dating online is the perfect vehicle to construct perfectly worded profiles and messages but once you meet her offline, real-life challenges set in. I encourage women to get off of their computers and put themselves out there from time to time. It’s the only real way to grow socially.

HF: What are the three most important qualities that a woman can exude in order to land her lady?

MD: Confidence, authenticity, and a little bit of allure (among other things) can be a deadly combination! A woman who is unapologetic about who she is can be incredibly attractive – as long as she’s a good person, of course! At LEZ Factor, there’s also something we call the “SCALE of Magnetism.” It’s our secret formula for attracting women with little effort. You’ll have to attend one of our workshops for the scoop. 😉

HF: You’re Latina! I am too, do you think that Latinas face any specific challenges when it comes to dating that other women don’t?

MD: Well, I can personally attest to the fact that as a Latina, I’ve dealt with a ton of challenges when I came out to my family. Our culture is not exactly welcoming of all things queer, so I had a difficult time being accepted. It took them a really long time to come around. Once they came to terms with things, everything turned out great, but it was tough! Aside from the coming out process, I think Latinas deal with a lot of the same issues other women do when it comes to dating.

Not ready for a relationship yet? LEZ Factor mixers are also a great way to make friends, that could become “more than friends” someday.

HF: LEZ Factor also hosts events, tell me about them.

We host bi-monthly mixers to give women a chance to meet other women in a more intimate setting. We create a structure for them to practice their social skills while they talk about women and dating. It’s not the typical mixer where women are given a name-tag and sent off to network on their own. We create ice-breakers, burning topics, and break-out groups so they know exactly what the topic of discussion is, exactly what group of women they’ll speak to and for how long, and we give out fun prizes. 75 to 100 women in a room – all talking about women at once – is incredibly dynamic. It’s like an after-work mixer on steroids! lol

HF: Tell me about your partnership with Babeland, an LGBT friendly sex positive retailer.

MD: Babeland is an awesome establishment. They loved our concept and have been incredibly supportive of us since the beginning. We reached out to them for sponsorship in the form of giveaways for our launch party and they went above and beyond to be helpful. We’ve established a wonderful relationship ever since, and even produced some events together recently. I look forward to working more closely with them as we continue to build our brand.

Interested in finding out more? Find LEZ Factor online at www.lezfactor.com

Keep up with them on:

Facebook

Twitter

Meetup

LinkedIn

Hot Femme’s Guide to Successful Summer Lovin’

Tags

advice, boobs, crush, Dating, Dyke Drama, femme, gay, kissing girls, lesbian, LGBT, long distance, Love, Queer, relationship advice, relationships, romance, Summer Fling, Summer Love, Summer Loving, Summer Romance

When summer hits, think more “topless pool parties, bottomless depravity” than marriage

So you want to have a summer fling. I know most of you think you don’t need “rules” for summer love, but you do. Trust me. For a gay girl, not breaking out the U-Haul on the second date is totally counter-intuitive. I’m laying these out now because I know that come September, I’m going to be flooded with “Ask the Femme” emails that ask for advice on dealing with the girl that doesn’t text back anymore.

Why does this happen? Because a lot of people take on summer internships in different cities, or leave school to go back home for summer break, or are simply taking advantage of the less busy season to date, but will disappear when their workload picks up again, or maybe it’s as simple as summer time meaning party time.

Again, each situation is different and summer flings do have the potential to turn into more. Either way, it’s better to play this Cool Spice so you don’t get hurt or scare away your love interest.

1) Keep it light

Summer is not known as the season of introspection. In fact, it brain hibernation season. Think about it, most of us opt for fun beach reads instead of Tolstoy and shell out for summer blockbusters where “sh*t gets blow’d up.” So when you meet someone at a rooftop bar or a summer barbecue, don’t lead with serious conversation. Talk about the things that will keep a smile on your face and hers.

Like boobs! Who doesn’t love those? (Image via http://dyke-recovery.tumblr.com/)

2) Keep your expectations low

When you start talk to a girl, totally click and get the digits, it’s easy to let your brain automatically jump to the next step.

‘OMG WE BOTH LOVE DOGS AND WE WILL WALK OURS TOGETHER EVERY MORNING AND THEN DO THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE AND SIP STARBUCKS AND THIS IS AMMMAAZZZINNGGGGGG’

Stop. Right. There. A lot of the time, you don’t know if she’s just in your town for the summer. Or if YOU are the out-of-towner, you have no idea if the woman you just met is up for a long distance thang.

This rule might seem like common sense, but let me share a horrible Hot Femme story of dyke drama with you.

Oh no! Not a horrible one!

 Yes, a horrible one.

A long time ago, when I was single, I had a hot summer fling with a girl that was in town for the summer. Let’s call her Amanda. We went on awesome, inventive dates all over Brooklyn and I would stay over her place afterward…to um…play scrabble and stuff.

I knew Amanda was going back to where she was from when the summer was over, so it was all good. One weekend she said she couldn’t hang out because her dad was in town. Then I got a myspace message (yup, I had that) from her roommate telling me that Amanda’s dad was never in town, it was actually Amanda’s girlfriend.

My expectations were low, but they apparently weren’t low enough.

The moral of the story is some relationships aren’t meant to last forever, some are. Remember that meeting someone you like and getting to know them is valuable in itself. She doesn’t need to turn into your girlfriend for it to be a great experience for you both. And if it does work out? Then you can jump for joy because you totally didn’t see that one coming.

She likes me! She really likes me!

3) Keep it low maintenance

This is by far, the easiest rule. Find a make-up regimen that won’t melt off and make you look like a rodeo clown in the heat. Keep any thing you need to “touch-up” in your bag with you. I recommend a tinted moisturizer with SPF 15, a small compact with loose powder, eyeliner, a moisturizing lip gloss that also contains SPF 15 and blotting papers.

Wear clothes that are comfortable and loose and if they can’t be loose, at least try to make sure they are cotton. Sweat stains are not sexy. Same goes for shoes, wear footgear that you can walk in and that won’t give you blisters if you sweat and have some extra friction. Limping down the boardwalk? Not sexy.

Also, if you know that you will be outdoors and that you burn easily, put on sunscreen before you leave the house. No one wants make out with a lobster.

Except this chick…and she’s pretty hot soooo…now I don’t know anymore. Just put on freaking sunscreen cuz health.

4) Be up for anything

Not all of us are lucky enough to live in areas with beautiful climates. The summer is the time when most people try to cram as many outdoor activities into their schedule as possible. Being too high maintenance to rough it during the summer isn’t as adorable as it is in the winter, when you can offer a snuggle and a cup of hot chocolate.

If you followed the “low maintenance” rule, then you can easily go for a hike, chill at a rooftop bar, chow down on veggie burgers at a queer vegan BBQ, hit the beach, or play frisbee in the park. Summer is a great time to explore new activities. If you aren’t open to new experiences, your crush can probably find another girl to go out and play with her. Besides, who doesn’t love to try new things? Remember, the girl may not last, but if she taught you to love beach volleyball, you can keep that for always!

You got all that? Good.

Now go enjoy your hot summer.

I Love Being a Lesbian: Body Acceptance Edition

Tags

appearance, Beauty, body acceptance, body image, Dating, diversity, gay, gay girl, gay girls, lesbian, lesbian sex, LGBT, Love, Piercings, playboy, Pride, Pride Month, Queer, Rachel Maddow, relationships, sexy, Tattoos

Pride month is halfway over and I thought I’d take this opportunity to write about one of the things I love most about being gay.

Umm besides the hot, hot lesbian sex, of course

I love the acceptance of the queer community of all kinds of looks. Straight woman have a very strict standard of beauty they have to adhere too. They can either be hot like Britney Spears hot or like Megan Fox hot. Society, parents and boyfriends constantly scream at them to be thinner, younger, whiter, blonder. This is what I call being “conventionally attractive.”

You can be the one on the right, or you can be the one on the left.

I’m not saying that lesbians don’t suffer from that kind of pressure or that we are perfect. But the truth is, we have a much more diverse standard of beauty than mainstream society. Conventional beauty is great, but unconventional beauty needs to be appreciated too, and in our community it is. No matter what your  look is I promise you are going to be able to find a girl that’s crazy into it. Lesbians are into a rainbow of different looks. Like, gay girls go crazy for the uber-curvy out rocker Beth Ditto, who would probably never be featured inPlayboy.

Go on with your bad self, girl!

We celebrate all backgrounds

We line up to make out with girls with piercings

We love women who smash gender conventions

Ink? Yes, please

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your look is the outer manifestation of who you are on the inside. It’s the face you choose to show the world and that’s why there are so many magazine, TV shows and books devoted to looks. Finding acceptance in this world is so hard. Queer girls all know that hot women come in all colors, shapes and sizes. No matter what you look like, you can be sure that you will find a sexy lid for your sexy pot. And I am so proud to be a part of that.