Hot Femme’s Guide to Successful Summer Lovin’

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advice, boobs, crush, Dating, Dyke Drama, femme, gay, kissing girls, lesbian, LGBT, long distance, Love, Queer, relationship advice, relationships, romance, Summer Fling, Summer Love, Summer Loving, Summer Romance

When summer hits, think more “topless pool parties, bottomless depravity” than marriage

So you want to have a summer fling. I know most of you think you don’t need “rules” for summer love, but you do. Trust me. For a gay girl, not breaking out the U-Haul on the second date is totally counter-intuitive. I’m laying these out now because I know that come September, I’m going to be flooded with “Ask the Femme” emails that ask for advice on dealing with the girl that doesn’t text back anymore.

Why does this happen? Because a lot of people take on summer internships in different cities, or leave school to go back home for summer break, or are simply taking advantage of the less busy season to date, but will disappear when their workload picks up again, or maybe it’s as simple as summer time meaning party time.

Again, each situation is different and summer flings do have the potential to turn into more. Either way, it’s better to play this Cool Spice so you don’t get hurt or scare away your love interest.

1) Keep it light

Summer is not known as the season of introspection. In fact, it brain hibernation season. Think about it, most of us opt for fun beach reads instead of Tolstoy and shell out for summer blockbusters where “sh*t gets blow’d up.” So when you meet someone at a rooftop bar or a summer barbecue, don’t lead with serious conversation. Talk about the things that will keep a smile on your face and hers.

Like boobs! Who doesn’t love those? (Image via http://dyke-recovery.tumblr.com/)

2) Keep your expectations low

When you start talk to a girl, totally click and get the digits, it’s easy to let your brain automatically jump to the next step.

‘OMG WE BOTH LOVE DOGS AND WE WILL WALK OURS TOGETHER EVERY MORNING AND THEN DO THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE AND SIP STARBUCKS AND THIS IS AMMMAAZZZINNGGGGGG’

Stop. Right. There. A lot of the time, you don’t know if she’s just in your town for the summer. Or if YOU are the out-of-towner, you have no idea if the woman you just met is up for a long distance thang.

This rule might seem like common sense, but let me share a horrible Hot Femme story of dyke drama with you.

Oh no! Not a horrible one!

 Yes, a horrible one.

A long time ago, when I was single, I had a hot summer fling with a girl that was in town for the summer. Let’s call her Amanda. We went on awesome, inventive dates all over Brooklyn and I would stay over her place afterward…to um…play scrabble and stuff.

I knew Amanda was going back to where she was from when the summer was over, so it was all good. One weekend she said she couldn’t hang out because her dad was in town. Then I got a myspace message (yup, I had that) from her roommate telling me that Amanda’s dad was never in town, it was actually Amanda’s girlfriend.

My expectations were low, but they apparently weren’t low enough.

The moral of the story is some relationships aren’t meant to last forever, some are. Remember that meeting someone you like and getting to know them is valuable in itself. She doesn’t need to turn into your girlfriend for it to be a great experience for you both. And if it does work out? Then you can jump for joy because you totally didn’t see that one coming.

She likes me! She really likes me!

3) Keep it low maintenance

This is by far, the easiest rule. Find a make-up regimen that won’t melt off and make you look like a rodeo clown in the heat. Keep any thing you need to “touch-up” in your bag with you. I recommend a tinted moisturizer with SPF 15, a small compact with loose powder, eyeliner, a moisturizing lip gloss that also contains SPF 15 and blotting papers.

Wear clothes that are comfortable and loose and if they can’t be loose, at least try to make sure they are cotton. Sweat stains are not sexy. Same goes for shoes, wear footgear that you can walk in and that won’t give you blisters if you sweat and have some extra friction. Limping down the boardwalk? Not sexy.

Also, if you know that you will be outdoors and that you burn easily, put on sunscreen before you leave the house. No one wants make out with a lobster.

Except this chick…and she’s pretty hot soooo…now I don’t know anymore. Just put on freaking sunscreen cuz health.

4) Be up for anything

Not all of us are lucky enough to live in areas with beautiful climates. The summer is the time when most people try to cram as many outdoor activities into their schedule as possible. Being too high maintenance to rough it during the summer isn’t as adorable as it is in the winter, when you can offer a snuggle and a cup of hot chocolate.

If you followed the “low maintenance” rule, then you can easily go for a hike, chill at a rooftop bar, chow down on veggie burgers at a queer vegan BBQ, hit the beach, or play frisbee in the park. Summer is a great time to explore new activities. If you aren’t open to new experiences, your crush can probably find another girl to go out and play with her. Besides, who doesn’t love to try new things? Remember, the girl may not last, but if she taught you to love beach volleyball, you can keep that for always!

You got all that? Good.

Now go enjoy your hot summer.

Play “Who Would You Rather” with Tania Katan on Valentine’s Day! Plus: Lesbian Cupcakes!

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bisexual, Celebrities, cupcake, cupcakes, Dating, ellen, ellen degeneres, Jillian Michaels, kd lang, lbq, lesbian, lesbian celebrities, Love, Portia de Rossi, relationships, romance, rosie O'donnell, sweet, tania katan, The Biggest Loser, V Day, vagina cupcake, valentine's day, who would you rather?

Say "I want to be on you" with queer cupcakes!

Whether you hate Valentine’s Day because your coupled friends are shoving it in your face or because you are crumbling under the pressure of making the day perfect for your significant other, let’s all take a deep breath and take this a little less seriously.

Comedian, performer and author Tania Katan is here to relieve your Valentine’s Day blues with a rousing game of “Who Would You Rather: Famous Lesbian Edition.” I bet you all these girls are hotter than the ex that dumped you last week and stole your cat on her way out.

Sexy Valentine’s Day Gifts for Any Stage of Your Lesbian Relationship

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bisexual, body paint, chocolate, chocolate body paint, Dating, flowers, gay, gay love, girl on girl, kissing girls, lbq, lesbian, lingerie, Love, massage oil, Queer, relationships, romance, romantic, roses, teddy bear, valentine's day

This is what you want to happen at the end of the night

It’s Valentine’s Day…again. As I get older, my feelings on the holiday get less intense. However, Valentine’s Day is possibly the most polarizing holiday out there. Is it a ploy by Hallmark to get couples to spend money? Is it really “singles awareness day” in disguise, sent to make you feel like crap because you aren’t in a relationship? OR, the more likely scenario if you are a gay lady, you just have no idea what to get your partner, you’ve waited till the last minute and you’re in trouble. Well don’t worry girls; I’ve got you covered with sexy suggestions for the perfect gift for your girl.

The “We Just Started Dating” Almost Relationship

So you two have been on two or three dates and with some bad timing, now Valentine’s Day is coming up. You don’t want to be clingy or act over anxious, chances are one or both of you are still seeing other people or just don’t know if you like each other yet. Basically, the key here is to be sweet without being desperate. It’s a hard line to walk. Here are some suggestions:

One smells sweet, 12 smells like desperation

1) A single rose: The single rose tells a girl, “I would really really like to have sex with you one day and maybe even love you” without it being overkill. Do not go for more than one rose, you will look desperate.

2) A teeny tiny teddy…bear! Girls love cute n’ cuddly. Preferably, get one that has a lil heart or is all decked out for v-day so you don’t need a card or anything that accompanies it.

3) Chocolate: Yay girls love chocolate! You can go the traditional heart shaped box route or be creative! If you know she loves kitkats more than life itself, get her a kitkat bouquet. Know she loves the purple m&ms the best? Go to Dylan’s Candy Bar (or if you don’t live in NYC, the mall I guess. Or like, move here) and get her a huge bag.

Chocolate? Yes, please!

Depending on how connected you feel to the girl, you can get her more than one of the above suggestions. But remember, don’t try TOO HARD. This is just the first one and if it works out, you will have to top it next year. Don’t make it too hard for yourself to top next year…or make yourself look like you want to U-haul with her.

The “New” Relationship

It’s been between 3 months and a year, so it’s your first Valentine’s Day together and you need it to be special. Like, you really can’t mess this up. So you are going to need to pull out some stops. Let’s drive right in:

1) Flowers at Work: Have flowers delivered to her workplace. STAT. This is how you warm your girl up for later and get her warm n; fuzzy feelings flowing towards you.

2) Fancy Dinner: You can go out or you can cook it for her, but this needs to happen. Now, let’s get into the optional part of the V-day program.

3) Jewelry: Don’t get all fancy with the jewelry. Get her something low key and tasteful, if you are going to do it. You might want to check out her favorite website or a store she shops at a lot to get an idea of what she might want. Set a price limit so you don’t break your bank, this is more about the thought than impressing her with your spending power.

4) Lingerie: Ah Lingerie, there are many schools of thought about this. Basically, you know if this is something your girl would like or not. It’s the kind of thing that many women love, but consider it too frivolous to buy, so it makes for a perfect present. It also helps your girl feel hot and sexy and reminds her of how much you love her body, no matter what her insecurities are.

If she feels sexy, that will lead to sexy times

5) Think outside the box: Does your girl love sports? Get her a new mitt/ball/racket or stick. Does she love concerts? Get her some tickets to something fun and unusual. Collect bugs? Get her some new equipment. You get the point. Yes, these are also good presents for her birthday, but if she’s not your traditional V-day type of girl, you need to consider going down this route.

6) Puppy Love: Does she have a beloved pet? Get the pet a V-day themed toy. Sucking up to a girl’s pet will totally score you points.

The “Old & Married” Relationship

You’ve been together forever you have both pulled out all the traditional V-day stops over the years. And now you are sitting on the couch together, wondering what the hell to do this year and whether or not you need to waste money on this holiday. SPOILER ALERT: Yeah you probably do.

1) Eat in: Stay at home, light a few candles and eat together at a table. Shut that TV off! The best gift you can give your partner is actively listening to her. She will appreciate that more than another stuffed animal she needs to add to her list of things to dust.

2) Get a Room: Getting away from your usual surroundings can also lessen the pressures of the everyday. Get a room for yourself and your girl somewhere local. Order room service and put on fluffy white robes. She will reward you for taking her on a mini-getaway from real life with a great night. Plus: no one has to do dishes! It’s a win-win.

3) Massage Oil: Give your lady a massage and show her that she is still the princess she was when you first met.

4) Chocolate Body Paint: A little cliché, but it’s a great way to have your chocolate and umm…eat it too. This way you two can eat chocolate and get in a lil workout at the same time.

Delicious and hot!

5) Jewelry: This is when you break out the semi-precious stones. I recommend saving diamonds for birthdays and anniversaries. But a ruby or an emerald sounds awfully nice for V-day and will def get you laid.

6) Tickets to do Something, ANYTHING: Studies have shown that people get more enjoyment out of money when they spend on activities, as opposed to material objects. Also, after so long together, you need to get out of the house once awhile. Get her tickets to a comedy club, a hot air balloon ride, an art show, a play, a concert. Show her that you want to spend time with her in the bedroom and out of it.

Now go get her! Good lick girls! Oops I mean, good luck.

Ask the Femme: Online Dating is too Hard! Oh and Real Life Dating is too Hard Also

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advice, ask the femme, Dating, ex, femme, friend zone, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, marriage, online dating, Queer, relationships, romance, runaway bride, soul mate, the one

If you go into every date expecting this to happen-it's not gonna work

Dating: 99% of us will have to do it at one time or another in our lives. And you know what? It’s not great. It’s stressful especially since the stakes are so high. Think about it: you are looking for your soulmate. That’s a pretty tall order and the pressure is bound to get to anyone eventually.

I always tell people to relax and enjoy dating, because one day you will get married and spend the rest of your life with someone. I got some great questions from you guys this weekend about dating. So let’s get down and dirty with it!

Dear Femme,

I’m trying online dating for the first time and I’m so overwhelmed. I get tons of messages that I don’t have time to reply to and it seems like every time I go online I get instant messaged. I have been on one date and it was a total bust. There is another girl from the site I am talking to, but I don’t think she’s my type. I think I am just going to give up. I have a full time career, a large circle of friends and family and volunteer in my free time. I just don’t think I have time to devote to this anymore. What do you think?

Pick me, choose me, love me

Online Bust

Hi OB,
Thanks for writing! First of all, don’t be overwhelmed. This process is supposed to be fun and exciting, not stressful! Take a deep breath and remember why you joined an online dating service in the first place, to meet someone who has the same interests as you. So carve out a chunk of time, turn off your cell phone, turn off the tv, hide your online status and go through your messages. Delete the ones that you think you won’t have any chemistry with, either for physical reasons or grammatical ones. Write back to the ones you like. Not to the ones your friends pick out for you, or the ones that look the most likely to piss off your ex the ones that you feel drawn to at first glance. Trust your gut, don’t second guess.

It's hard but you can do it, I believe in you!

The next step is to browse. Don’t let other women choose you, find women you would choose for yourself. Send them each a personalized message based on the interests you share. Don’t just copy and paste the same message over and over. By doing this you will take control of the situation and you will feel more proactive and less overwhelmed.

The last step, don’t talk to either the girl you met in person or the girl you are talking to. Don’t waste your time or theirs.  Good luck and let me know if you meet anyone!

Dear Femme,

I’ve been single for two years. It seems like every time I start dating someone, things go smoothly for one or two months and then she just disappears! I don’t get it. I don’t have sex with anyone until I think they are really interested (definitely not on the first date!) and everything always seems to be fine until the other person stops returning my calls. I’m not a needy person, I don’t call or text my dates every five minutes but I pay enough attention for them to know I am interested. What am I doing wrong? Thanks for your help!

Two Month Chump

Imagine this movie title is "Runaway Lesbian Date" There. Now it's perfect.

Hi TMC,

Thanks for writing! I’m sorry to hear about your predicament, it’s a pretty tricky situation. I don’t know much about you, but I’m going to try to give you the best advice possible.  There are several different possibilities.

1)      It’s not you, it’s them: What type of women are you choosing to date? What is the common thread? Do you tend to choose women who have just gotten out of long-term relationships? Do you gravitate towards women who aren’t looking for a long term partner?  Try to find out on the first or second date if your date is emotionally available or just looking for a good time. Usually you can just trust your instincts on this one. If she starts crying into her ice cream about her ex-girlfriend, she’s probably not ready to date anyone seriously. That’s your cue to cut her out or put her into the friend zone. This is the best way to ensure you don’t get your feelings hurt down the road.

You: "Nice Weather" Her: "MY EX LOVES WEATHER WAAAA" That's your cue to run away, Simba. Run away and never return.

2)      It’s not them, it’s you: What signals do you send to your dates? Are you sending them “friend zone” signals? Do come across as not wanting to be in a long-term relationship? Listen to yourself when you talk, do you talk about your ex too much? Do you talk about traveling the world with no ties or commitments to anyone or anything? These are red flags to girls who are looking to settle down with someone. If a month has passed and the girl is still around, talk about a future that applies to both of you.

Good luck, TMC and let me know if it works!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com or message me on FB http://www.facebook.com/natasiarose