How Do You Wear Your Hair Down There?

Tags

Beauty, bikini, grooming, grrl, landing strip, lesbian, LGBT, Queer, sexy, shave, vajazzle, waxing

Let's get a little bit naughty

All this talk of merkins around here is making me hungry! Oh wait, no it’s not. It’s making me think of downstairs’ hairstyles. I was chatting with a pretty 26 year old blond queer chick who told me that she used to get a brazilian, but now that she’s older, she leaves a strip.

Which led me to wonder, Sex and the City style, does leaving a strip make you seem more grown up then going all bare?

There are a few reasons why women wax, some of us do it for ourselves and others do it for their partners. I do it because I’m too lazy to shave or trim or whatever. I go in once every two months, get a completely bare brazilian and proceed to forget about any type of upkeep until I have to go back in. (That’s what she said)  Upon further introspection, I guess that is kind of immature. But it’s also a reflection of a busy lifestyle. My brazilian says that I have places to go and things to do and I can’t be bothered with trimming!

Ahem.

Anywho, I’ve also been thinking about other ‘hairstyles’ and what this says about the women who rock them.

Landing Strip: You’re a career oriented woman and you have your ish together. You know exactly where your clit is and you’re willing to endure the pain it takes to point your partner directly to that spot. I like the way you get down to business, girl.

What do YOU think is going on in there?

Bikini Wax: You’re a traditional and practical gal. This style is the least amount of pain while still keeping you neat and tidy when it’s beach season. Let’s start a book club together.

Shapes/Vajazzling: You love your boyfriend. ZOMG you love him so much and you can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes you got his initials waxed onto your vaj! P.s. Happy 19th birthday.

Shaving: You dislike pain and don’t see the point of spending money on waxing. You host a lot of potlucks, which is a great way to meet more women.

Au Natural: You enjoy free love and possibly the smell of patchouli. If you invite me to your spring harvest celebration, I’ll go. I promise.

…So…if you’re brave enough, tell me how you like your hair down there or how you prefer your girl to wear it, in the comments!

Sh*t Straight Girls Like: Merkin Edition

Tags

animal cruelty, feathers, fox fur, gay, lbq, lesbians, LGBT, merkin, Queer, real housewives of new york, straight girls, vajazzle, waxing

This is the least disgusting example I could find

Do you know what a merkin is? If you watched The L Word you do…remember that journalist or book reviewer who hated Jenny and then Jenny put her dog to sleep and dated her girlfriend or something? I don’t remember. To make a long story short- a merkin is a wig for your vag. Like if you don’t have any hair on it. Sooo there’s that.

I wasn’t clear on the point of a merkin until recently. I thought perhaps it was for practical reasons, like if your vag is cold or something. No one wants that part of their body to freeze off. It’s pretty important. But apparently the function of a merkin is decorative. Former Real Housewives of New York co-star Cindy Barshop owns a hair removal business that also provides vagazzling services. As the name implies, vajazzling is bedazzling for your vagina.

Vajazzling is something I can understand. I like sparkles and I like beaver. So put them together and great! Although it seems like rubbing on a body part that has rhinestones glued to it would irritate one’s skin…or tear it off, depending on the body part.

Let's save the scissoring for your next art project

…ouchies.

Interspecies hair is so hot right now

Anywho, the patrons of Cindy Barshop’s salon can now get the human hair waxed off their vag and have dyed pink fox hair or feathers glued onto their skin for the low, low price of 100 dollars! That’s an extra hundred on top of what you already paid to get waxed. Now you can get your animal cruelty fix while you actively throw your hard earned money down a rathole. I believe that’s what Oprah calls ‘multi-tasking.’ There’s a reason 20-something straight women are the demographic group most likely to file for bankruptcy. Because it’s not enough for them to get waxed anymore, not they also have to pay to add hair back ON once they take it off.

Next time anyone says that I’m ‘too pretty too be a lesbian’ or asks me ‘why do lesbians dress like men?’ I’m totally going to say “at least we don’t glue neon pink fox fur onto our vaginas!” and then storm off. Probably leaving a confused straight person in my wake.

Seriously, straight women, if you are reading this, just say no to merkins.

*This post is completely satire and not meant to offend any straight women. We all know the majority of women would never go for a product like this, and it’s ridiculous that anyone would consider marketing this to any woman, anywhere.