Dear Femmes: Don’t Cut Your Hair This Summer

Tags

bisexual, body image, Celebrities, Extensions, femme, Hair, lesbian, LGBT, Queer, Summer

Every summer girlie mags everywhere scream “SHORT HAIR IS IN” at us and provide examples of celebrities with cute short locks. “THIS IS WHAT YOUR HAIR NEEDS TO LOOK LIKE.”

Ladies, don’t fall for it. Here’s why:

1) Your girlfriend loves your long hair. She does, I know it, you know it and she hates whenever you talk about cutting it short. Now, you shouldn’t wear/look a certain way to make your partner happy. But you want her to be hot for you right? Just take her feelings into consideration.

2) In the Fall, guess what length of hair will be back in? Long! The same celebrities you saw sporting short hair two months ago will all of a sudden have hair that flows down to their waists. How do they grow their hair that long in just two months? They don’t. They buy thousands of dollars worth of hair extensions. Single women in their 20s are the most likely people to file for bankruptcy. Probably because we spend our money on fashion, beauty needs & hair extensions.

Here is what you should do instead of cutting your hair this summer:

1) Keep it trimmed by going to your hairstylist on the regular. Six to eight weeks is optimal.

2) Buy a hair masque or oil treatment from your local drugstore. Don’t get anything too fancy, you can find great Garnier, Herbal Essences or Suave products for under five bucks. Shiny hair always looks great in the summer, but it won’t just happen on it’s own.

2) Style it instead of cutting it. There are a million different ways to rock out even a simple ponytail. Play with low pony’s, high ponys, pony’s with a part, double ponies. Play with bobbypins to see what hairstyles look good on your face.

3) Invest in a good hot barrel curler. Soft loose curls and sexy waves are always popular in the summer and it’s an easy, no fuss way to look great at the beach.

Have fun and stay beautiful this summer.

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Summer Beauty Trend: The Eyes Aquatic

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Aqua, Beauty, Blue, Eyeliner, Eyeshadow, Fashion, femme, Green, MAC, Makeup, Summer, Urban Decay

Summer has finally hit NYC this week and women are donning their summer dresses and trying out new looks. The hottest trend? A Blue/Green eye. Not like, 80’s blue where you pile frosty shadow from your lashline to your eyebrow. Here are some tips on how to rock this trend right.

Air Guitar by Urban Decay

Blue Glitter Eyeliner

A little of this goes a looong way. Find a blue glitter eyeliner, such as Air Guitar from Urban Decay and draw a very thin line from the top inner corner

of your eye and sweep out. Don’t wear shadow with this look and don’t make the line

too thick. This will overpower the liner and make you look like a crazed mermaid.

Green Eye Shadow

There is something incredibly fun about painting your lids in a color that’s as bold as vibrant green. MAC just released a collection of shadows called “Surf, Baby!” These limited edition shadows are perfect for the summer. Start by applying a sheer, shimmery light gold to your entire lid. Be sure to highlight your inner eye and browbone for some drama. I recommend using “Short Shorts” for this step. Then take a green like “Surf USA” and sweep out from the middle of your eyelid and just beyond the outer corners. Work some of the shadow up to the crease and blend so that you don’t have a hard division of the two colors. For a nighttime look, add a thin line of black eyeliner and tons of mascara.

Surf USA by MAC

Once you are all pretty, go out and find yourself a girl. Good luck, ladies!

The Top 5 Misconceptions Straight People Have Because of the Real L Word

Tags

Dating, Hats, lesbian, Love, Sex, Stereotypes, Tats, The Real L Word, TV

The DVD image for The Real L Word is Scissors...homo they didn't.

It’s Real L Word Season! The second season of this groundbreaking reality show starts June 5th on Showtime. It’s been great for lesbian visibility…but I’m beginning to think that it’s giving straight people the wrong impression. It’s impossible for any show to capture the diversity that exists in our community. So lets take a chill pill and laugh at some of the stereotypes that can be drawn from the franchise we love to hate and hate to love!

1) 90% of all lesbians are hair/makeup artists. How the hell did Illene Chaiken even find so many lesbian hair/makeup artists? Alyssa, Whitney, Romi, Sara, Raquel, etc. Apparently, that’s the field to get into if you want to be a trendy lez.

2) We all have tattoos, at least a half sleeve. I have none! But everyone in the Real L Word universe seems to have millions. The end credits should include the names of their tattoo artists. I’m looking for a good one.

3) Lesbians love hats. This is especially true in the upcoming season of the show. Romi is rocking a pork pie, Cori loves her ascot, Sara only wears bowlers and a smile and Whitney will put anything on her head. Ok fine, maybe this one is actually true.

4) We love having sex on camera! For everyone to see! Sorry to burst your bubble straight male popular. We actually don’t.

5) We don’t have straight girlfriends. Actually we do! They are great because we can’t sleep with them and complicate our lives. So next time you see a lesbian say hi, we are a friendly peoples.

Did I leave anything out? What other misconceptions do you think people have because of the Real L Word?

Song Lyrics That Crack Me Up While I’m Dancing in “Da Club”

Tags

Bubba Sparxxx, dancing, dumb, grinding, in the club, lesbians, Lloyd, Ludacris, Missy Elliot, Omarion, R. Kelly, Ying Yang Twins

Have you ever been out dancing with your girls, maybe grinding up on a hot lady and a song comes on that has a hot beat so your shaking what yo momma gave ya and then all of a sudden… BAM. The ‘singer,’ yes I do use that term loosely, sings something so funny, you break out laughing like an idiot? Ok, maybe that’s just me. But I bet some of you crack a smile when you are listening to those dumb lyrics. So, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite, “Did he really just sing that? Did you hear that too?” moments.
7. Lay it Down- Lloyd Featuring R. Kelly & Jeezy
R. Kelly: And I ain’t got no rhyme for the next part/I ain’t got no rhyme for the next part/But that’s okay because this is the remix
This is R Kelly’s first appearance on the list (he will be back, don’t worry).

Look Kelly (R?), it’s not okay because this is the remix. There need to be words to a song to make it a song. That’s what a song is. This is just so ridiculously lazy that I love it.
6. Ludacris- How Low Can You Go
 Lower than yo’ momma ever seen it in her lifetime/ Never would’ve imagined did not even in her right mind
Excuse me Mr. Luda, but you have NO idea how low my momma has seen people go in her lifetime and I resent the implication that she has not. Judging from the pictures of her from the 70s in Lucite heels and a pink plastic mini-dress, I would say she’s seen people get low, sir. I bid you good day. I SAID GOOD DAY.

5. Missy Elliot- Backwards
Boys, boys all types of boys, black, white, Puerto Rican, Chinese boys

It’s funny cuz she’s gay. In my head, what she’s really saying is: Bois, bois all types of bois, black, white, Puerto Rican, but not bio boys. There, now the song makes sense. Yay.

4. R. Kelly- Echo
I called your boss and he knows you ain’t comin in today (Sex in the morning sex all day)
Okay, first, how did R. Kelly get your boss’s phone number? Can you imagine if R. Kelly called your boss and told him you weren’t coming in? Like, “Oh, Hi Mr. Kelly, I can’t believe you are calling me, I…she won’t be in? Why?… Ooooh, sex all day? You say… Ok, I understand… Actually, I’m on the Viagra now, so I really don’t think it would be a good idea. You crazy kids have fun and be safe, you know what Kanye says about 18 years.”

My last boss’s ring tone was ‘Blame it on the Alcohol’ by TI. So I’m pretty sure she would have been down with me taking off to bang R. Kelly, I think I’m too old for him though.
3. Omarion- Ice Box

I got this ice box where my heart used to be/ I’m so cold/ I’m so cold/I’m so cold
I love when this song is played in a hot, sweaty club where all the women are gyrating together and screaming about how cold they are. If you are so cold why is your back-sweat getting all over me? Which I guess tells you something about the way I dance.
2. Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins- Miss New Booty
I found you, Miss New Booty

Sometimes I pick up the phone and someone is singing into it, “I found you, Miss New Booty.” That would be my sister. We were rockin the big booties when J-Lo made it popular, thank goodness for that.

As my sister and I were listening to the song, Miss New Booty, she said, “Can you imagine if some guy said that you, like Oh, wow, I found you Miss. New Booty, that booty is so new.” And a running family joke was born. So Miss New Booty has a place near and dear to my heart.

1. R. Kelly- Trapped in the Closet
God please, don’t let this man open this closet/He walks up to the closet/He goes up to the closet/Now he’s at the closet/Damn he’s opening the closet…

No, this isn’t a song about closeted gays coming out. This song is one of a series, yes a series, about a man (Kelly) who is ‘bangin a ho,’ I believe is the correct terminology, who has a live in boyfriend. When the boyfriend comes home, she tells Kelly to hide in the closet. The girl is all nice to her bf and he doesn’t suspect anything, but then Kelly’s phone rings and he is caught hiding in the closet. That my friends, is where the story really begins, but where the song ends.
If you are dying to know how this operatic saga continues, well Kelly escapes out the window and they have a chase reminiscent of Harrison Ford in The Fugitive. Guns are involved as well as the police and Brother Twan. Someone gets shot, I think the live in boyfriend but honestly, it’s hard to keep the characters of this melodrama straight. Also, the girl was lying about her real name the whole time. So that makes it worse. Either way, I die every time I hear this song and I hope you do too!

I’m a Lesbian and I Don’t Want to Bang a Victoria’s Secret Model

Tags

body image, boobs, gumby, lesbian, models, thin, Victoria Secret

An Angel? Or Gumby with wings?

I know, I know. You don’t believe me, I barely believe me, but it’s true. I was watching TV with a friend, Sara, last week and a commercial for Victoria Secret came on. “You know,” Sara said, “Those women make me feel really bad about my body.” I was shocked. Not shocked that she “had a moment” because we all have those moments. Sometimes I see a beautiful woman and I’m like, “well, I might as well shoot myself in the face cuz obvs, there is no point in trying.”

Sara is beautiful, with long straight blonde hair that flows to her waist and at 5’5” she is only a size two. I’m not saying she looks anything like those Victoria Secret models, but if one of us was going to feel like crap, it should have been me. Not her.

But it’s not. Wanna know why? I don’t think those bitches are that attractive. I don’t want to look like them and I would never have sex with any of them. Yes, obviously I’m wrong. I can’t be right because men & other lesbians drool over them and straight women want to look like them. Still, I think they look like Gumby. Remember? The little claymation or whatever it was green guy and he had an orange horse friend. I think his name was Pokey. Yeah, they look like that. Their torsos are long and thin and their thighs are miles away from touching and they look like they have softballs sewn onto their tiny childlike chests. That’s not my type.

Don’t get me started on their faces. Okay, you got me started. They look exactly the same! They all have high cheekbones that could slice your thighs into ribbons (ahem, were their faces to ever be near that area). They are covered in make-up (or painted three inches thick, if you are an embittered prince who’s uncle killed his father and married his mother) and they are all white. If they aren’t white, they are airbrushed until they have Caucasian skin coloring and just a hint of their ethnic features. Leading us back to the beginning of this rant, they all look the same! Why don’t they just get one model and play with her face on photoshop? They would save a lot of dough. (Call me Vicki Sec’s, I’m totes available for consultation work)

Snark Break: a few years ago one of the models died of a heart attack related to anorexia. She stopped eating to keep her job and it cost her the rest of her life. That’s not funny and it’s certainly not sexy.

I know this isn’t the first rant about models and society’s obsession with thinness. But the fact that my gorgeous friend would feel less gorgeous because of these women makes me sad and angry. They shouldn’t be held up as an ideal and we can all start making that change by changing ourselves. If we don’t respond to these images, they can’t hurt us and maybe **gasp** they will go away.