Ask the Femme: Is it OK to Cheat on my Husband with a Woman…Again?

Tags

advice, bars, bicurious, bisexual, casual sex, cheating, Dating, gay, gingers, hooking up, lesbian, LGBT, Love, marriage, open marriage, Queer, relationships, Sex

Hi Natasia,

Time for some tough love

I was wondering if you can answer some questions for me or perhaps give me some advice. I stumbled upon your blog while searching for lesbian coffee shops in NYC. Me and my husband moved to NYC from the South half a year ago. Since I was in high school and more actively in college, I have thought and messed around with women on very few occasions. I had actual relations with only one girl. That story ended up being a very destructive one which completely negated and perhaps suppressed every concept of women being together.   

I sort of came out to my boyfriend at the time I was messing around with my “girlfriend” and that boyfriend is actually my husband now. I also told some friends. I think I was caught more so in the moment to do that and later regretted it. I thought my feelings and thoughts about women were completely behind me until recently. 

My husband is away at work for three months and I keep wanting to venture out to some lesbian watering hole to see. See what? I am not sure. I am not sure what I should be looking for and don’t even know if that is a good idea. 

You know the whole idea about opening Pandora’s box and then being in a lot of trouble. I guess I don’t want to hurt my husband if I was to leave him yet again for the same issue. Also, I don’t think I am a lesbian or a bisexual person or anything of that sort. How do you know if you even know if you are one?  I hope this doesn’t sound too cliché, but I don’t know if my college experiences qualify as legit experiences to which attribute how I classify myself sexually. How do you know? 

At times, I feel like I got stuck in the fab of being temporarily into women (my friend in college fell into the same pattern, I feel like we did that together just for the fun of it because we were so bored with ourselves, as awful as that sounds).  I sometimes tell myself that it is absolutely gross, messing around with women that is. In reality I do that only because I am afraid to admit the truth to myself whatever the truth may be.  I spent a lot of time online trying to figure out if I want to go to Ginger’s Bar or places such as, to see if I am attracted to any women. However, I don’t think I would be able to go by myself and look. I cannot tell anyone either or ask for company. Plus, from what I read, a lot of places in NYC cater to non girly women that I often find attractive. I also don’t think it’s fair to lie to somebody that I am not married, if I do meet someone.  Any advice? Sorry about writing a book for you to read. Your blog is very interesting.

• Honey

Oh Honey,

There’s a lot to unpack here. So much I barely know where to start. I’m sorry you are so conflicted. Let’s break it down.

First of all, you say maybe you were just into women because you were bored. Um. No. Not unless you have been bored through high school and college and while you were dating your future husband…who you cheated on.

Which brings me to my second point. You cheated on your boyfriend with a woman and then get upset with the whole concept of same sex relationships because it ended badly for you…because you were cheating on someone. That’s why it ended badly, not because it was two women. Because YOU were a liar and a cheater. I’m not judging you for this. Mistakes happen and people slip up.  I’m not monogamy’s biggest proponent, but you need to acknowledge that this is what happened and get rid of your victim mentality.

“Hey ladies, I just met the man I think I’m going to marry! Dating him is just so exciting that I’m super bored and want to stick my tongue in your mouth!” Said no straight woman ever.

I know this sounds harsh; but you need to take responsibility for your actions and not pass your attraction to women off as “being bored” or trying to get yourself back on the straight and narrow by trying to convince yourself that girls hooking up with girls is gross. You are hurting yourself and you are hurting the person you are married too.

Let me tell you how I know you’re probably bisexual or a lesbian. Straight women don’t worry nearly as much about being queer as you do. If you were straight and maybe experimenting in high school or college, the ‘phase’ would be over by now since you’re married. If I thought you wanted just a friendship and someone to talk to about the queer experience, I would tell you how to made queerbros. Plenty of monogamous bisexual women have friends of both genders and all orientations and don’t sleep with them.

BUT I’m not going to tell you where to go to meet hot women. Because you want to cheat on your husband by sleeping with them, be torn up about it and then be like “girlsex is gross and always ends horribly!” That is, very clearly, what you would like me to sanction you doing. You don’t need my permission to “be bored” and have sex with a woman. Guess whose permission you need to do that?

Right, the permission of the person you married. So ask him! Tell him that you are lonely when he’s gone and want to explore your bisexual leanings. Tell him you’ve obviously been very conflicted and confused for most of your post-pubescent life and you would like a chance to mingle with some queer women and figure it out once and for all. If he understands where you are coming from, great! Go find a willing lady. If he isn’t into it, I recommend you go to a therapist and talk through your internalized homophobia and how to make peace with bisexual tendencies which you are unable to explore because you are monogamous with a man.

The last point I would like to make is that nowhere do you mention how happy you are with your husband or how great he is, blah blah blah. All that couple stuff and qualifiers I usually get from people in sexually incompatible partnerships is completely missing from this (long) email. You might want to examine your relationship and see if this marriage what you want, or if you need time to figure out yourself. There’s no shame in figuring out who you are and what you really want, but be honest about it.

Good luck, Honey. If you see me in Ginger’s, say hi!

xoxo

The Femme

Have a question for me? askafemme@yahoo.com

photo credit: Alaskan Dude via photopin cc

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Ask the Femme: How do you Handle Racist Family Members?

Tags

advice, Family Issues, lesbian, LGBT, Politically Correct, Queer, Racism, The L word

Hi Femme, 

What do you do when 95% of your family is embarrassingly racist and your girlfriend is non-white? I’d like to begin a conversation about their overt racism (which they see as “jokes”, but it’s beyond offensive) without starting a war. They know not to say anything about my girlfriend’s nationality, but they insult every other group! It makes us so angry.

Sensitive in Seattle 

Hey SIS,

I think almost all of us can sympathize with this dilemma. I have a loud Puerto Rican family and when it comes to jokes, no group is safe. That being said, at the end of the day no one is being serious. It sounds to me like even though your family is calling these statements jokes, there’s a hint of truth that comes through and is making you and your gf crazy. And it totally should!

Here’s a quick lesson in how not to handle this. Once upon a time, a very young Hot Femme went home with her white girlfriend for Thanksgiving. At the dinner table, two family members were talking about their Latina cleaning ladies and laughing at them; their accents, their attractiveness level, everything. I cursed everyone out…like graphically. I also lost any sympathy anyone would have had for me by not acting like a lady, or whatever. If I was you, here’s how I would proceed:

1. Approach a few of the most sensitive members of your family one-on-one. Maybe that’s your mom, aunt, cousin, uncle- and explain to them that this is something that’s really bothering you. Don’t point fingers, but do mention some specific instances that back up your feelings. Chances are this will slip through the family grapevine and the offending parties will soften their behavior when you’re around.

2. The next time someone says something offensive and says “just kidding” just say something along the lines of “I know that’s a joke and I don’t want to ruin everyone’s good time, but racial jokes make me uncomfortable.” If they press you just laugh and say “Try saying that joke in front of a [insert targeted ethnicity] person” If the person doesn’t stop, leave the gathering. It doesn’t need to be an angry dramatic exit, simply state that you aren’t comfortable participating in this conversation and you’re going home to watch The L Word. If you keep everything smiles and honey, it will be hard for people to come at you with serious vinegar.

Chances are only a few of your family members really even enjoy the ‘jokes’ and the rest are just going with the flow. While you might not I don’t think that will stop your family from making the jokes, but if you stick with it eventually they will stop doing it in front of you, if for no other reason then they don’t want you to leave. Will they call you sensitive and too politically correct? Yes, but who cares! You’re being awesome.

Last bit of advice, don’t even bother bringing your girlfriend into this. Make it about your feelings so no one can displace any hurt or anger onto her.

I hope this helped! Let us all know how it goes.

xoxo

Hot Femme

Have a question? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com 

Ask the Femme: Do Lesbian Relationships Last?

Tags

advice, break up, cheaters, cheating, Chick-Fil-A, Dating, Drama, forever, gay, heartbreak, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Love, marriage, relationships, single, straight

It’s brutal honesty time, Hot Femme style. You asked, “do lesbian relationships last?”

Well yes, duh. But let’s get down to the deets. photo credit: Ara Lucia via photo pin cc

Dear Femme,

I’m an Asian lesbian in my 30′s and I’ve been single for almost a year. I can’t seem to find that special woman who I feel physically and emotionally attracted too and who feels the same about me. I was always in a relationship in my 20′s and felt the need to be intimate with someone but in my 30′s. I no longer need to fullfill that sexual need. I also find it harder as I get older to find a partner. I moved to another state for a partner I trusted. But she left me for a man who was her best friend and whom I also believed was my friend. I believe lesbian relationships don’t last and have begun to feel jaded. I don’t like to feel lonely and hate sleeping alone but can’t seem to find a woman that I can feel intimate attracted too and safe with. Please help, thanks.

Azn

Hi Azn,

Thanks for writing in! There is a lot going on here. You’ve had a bad experience and I’m sorry for that. You placed your trust in the wrong person, changed your life for her, she betrayed you and it sucks. But you need to move on.

Stern cat says, “Get over it or I’ll claw your face off.” That cat means business. photo credit: Mr. Ducke via photo pin cc

Being single for a year isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you; it’s not even that long to be single! It seems as though you have already starting thinking about your own needs and what you want from a partner. I’m going to suggest that you continue to learn about yourself and worry less about being single. Put finding love on hold for a little while, go out and have fun. Don’t stay home and feel sorry for yourself, join a gym, take cooking or art classes, drink your coffee at a café instead of at home. While you are out doing things and learning to love your own company, the right woman will come along. But you won’t meet her if you are at home hiding under the covers and crying over someone who didn’t deserve you.

No matter how cute you are, girls can’t bust into your bedroom and find you. photo credit: Helga Weber via photo pin cc

Also, you should keep in mind that just because your former love left you for a man, not all women will do that to you. Lesbian relationships aren’t doomed to failure. The Chick-Fil-A guy didn’t put some crazy curse on us that causes girl on girl relationships to fail…ermm…I hope he didn’t. Either way I’m sure it won’t work.

What I’m saying is, people change and there is going to be drama, betrayal, love, affection in any relationship, gay or straight. People of all orientations, genders, races, religions and political affiliations get their hearts broken and if they are lucky, they find their forever love.

Need help meeting women? Check out Lez Unite! What the video below for the scoop.

Hot Femme’s Hangover Brunch Special

Tags

alcohol, brunch, clubbing, cooking, cous cous, eggs, food, Hangover, Hungover, Lez, recipes, sausage, Weekend

You know what gets worse when you get older? Hangovers. Not only do they feel horrible, but they can cause you to waste a precious weekend day recovering. I remember my first hangover distinctly. I was 24 and had gone clubbing the night before without eating dinner. Which meant that, even though I stuck to vodka-cranberry all night and didn’t mix alcohol, I was setting myself up to be hung over.

This was me basically every weekend in June…What?! I had too, for Pride Month. Iz mandatory.

“What…is this…horrible feeling?” I remember thinking. Which led to my first, “I’m never drinking again.” 24 year olds, amirite? I’m much more careful now, but I still have “one of those nights” every once in awhile. My vast experience has led me to perfect my hangover cure. “Nothing can cure a hangover! Those cures are just old wives tales!” You are probably exclaiming incredulously. BUT that’s just because you’ve never come to my place for brunch, you little doubting Thomases and Thomas-ettes. You should consider it.

Lez cook!

To cure your hangover, you will need:

• Cous Cous
• Cheese & Parsley Italian Sausage
• Soft cheese spread or a shredded cheeseany that will melt well, I recommend cheddar, parmesan or jack
• Eggs (one per person)
• Olive Oil
• Butter

It looks like a lot, but it’ll take you about 15 minutes to prepare. Start by boiling the water for the cous cous. If you’ve never made cous cous before, buy the kind in a box and follow the directions, then add a splash of olive oil and a chunk of butter. For boxed cous cous, I enjoy the Near East cheddar broccoli flavor. While the water is coming to a boil, heat up a pan for the sausage. Sausage is fatty so you don’t need to add any oil, but if you are a non-stick freak, coat the pan with low fat cooking spray, like PAM.

Once the pan is hot, put your sausage in the pan. Is the water for the cous cous boiling? Great, pour the grain in, stir it, cover it and turn off the heat.

The cous cous can cook itself while you brown the sausage on both sides.

Once the sausage is brown, lower the heat and continue to cook it, flipping when necessary. Then, heat another pan and melt some butter into it for your eggs.

The more hungover you are, the more butter you will want to use. That’s just science.

Sprinkle the egg with salt and pepper and cook it over easy. Ok, we are almost done! Did you forget about the cous cous? Don’t worry, it’s just chilling out and taking care of itself. Take a heaping tablespoon of your cheese and add it to the cous cous.

Yum! Cheese is the best! I’m using 50% lighter cheese, sooo basically the more I eat the thinner I get.

Stir the cheese in and get it on your plate, slide your egg on top and add some sausage.

Garnish with some parsley and voila!

You’re hangover is now cured. And anyone who slept over is 100% more likely to come back for more. You’re welcome.

Girls with Tattoos

Tags

Black and Blue Tattoo, Body Art, East Side Ink, gay, Hot girls with tattoos, Ink, inked, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, NYC, Queer, San Francisco, Tat, Tattoo, Tattoos, tumblr, White Rabbit

How hot are women with tattoos?

That’s a rhetorical question
(Image via pinuppeepshow)

I’ve always been crazy about ladies with ink. Luckily for me, most queer women seem to love getting them. Why are lesbians more likely to enjoy having strangers draw on them with indelible ink and sharp needles? Here are some hypothesis:

A) Girls who love girls are different, and we frequently choose to literally wear our uniqueness on our skin.

B) We are little sicko pervs who like the way it feels to get inked.

C) We are just awesome badasses.

Tattoos and dogs…it’s a grrl thing
(Image via fuck yeah girls with tatts)

I’ve wanted a tattoo for a few years now. But I’ve always been too scared of the pain and too unable to commit to any particular image. Until now.

I was so brave, you guys!

For any of you who are thinking of getting tattoo’s let me share with you what I’ve learned from this process. You know, the kind of things no one else is going to tell you.

Treat Your Body Like a Temple

You know how some women say, “I would never get a tattoo…why would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley?” That drives me crazy, because it implies that all tattoos are just ink and not actual artwork. The best way to combat this is by getting a tattoo that means something to you and fits your aesthetic. Do your body  favor and DON’T just walk into any tattoo parlor. You deserve the best artist in the most kick ass shop in your town. Personally, I went to Kristi Walls at East Side Ink. For those of you in NYC, White Rabbit is also known for it’s amazing artistry. For West Coast queers, Black and Blue Tattoo in San Francisco is a woman owned shop that has a mostly gay clientele.

Make it Meaningful

A few people have told me that 28 is too old to get a first tattoo and well…they are kind of right. I waited until I was completely sure of what I wanted to get. My tattoo is a simple black rose with the 8 compass points rising from it, in the shape of thorns. I wanted the Rose because it’s my grandmother’s name, and my middle name, and let me tell you my grandma is awesome. The compass points are there to remind me to have more confidence that my decisions will lead me down the right paths in life. So I don’t regret waiting.

It Hurts

This is my “I’m not too comfortable right now” face

Okay, so it hurts. But it hurts less than people tell you it will. After awhile it also kind of feels good. When people warn you that tattoos can be addictive, the good part of the pain is what they are talking about. What ABSOLUTELY NO ONE tells you is that it hurts AFTER. Mine hurt for about two days afterward, it felt like an intense sunburn. It will itch too, like really bad. You can’t scratch it though, so if you can’t reach your tattoo you are going to have to ask a loved one to smack it.

Also, if you are scared of the pain part of getting tattooed, pick a place without a ton of bone or nerve endings, consider sticking with black ink and less shading.

YOU WILL SHED

LIKE A SNAKE IN MOLTING SEASON! Well, that’s me being dramatic. What your artist will tell you after you get the tattoo, but that no one will mention beforehand, is that your tattoo will peel like a sunburn. A gross, gross sunburn. It won’t be cute.

She looks great now, but when her arm was healing she probably stayed home watching Sex and the City reruns…BECAUSE SHE WAS MOLTING

Don’t Get Tattooed In the Summer

Because you can’t sunbathe or go swimming for TWO WEEKS! It totally blew.

Interview with LEZ Factor Founder, Milly DuBouchet

Tags

bicurious, bisexual, boi, Dating, gay, lesbian, Lez, LEZ Factor, LGBT, Love, Meeting girls, NYC, Queer, relationships, Sex

“How do you meet women in New York City?” That’s probably the question I get asked the most. There’s a perception that because New York is a huge city, it’s easier to meet people. The truth is, it can make it even harder. People already have a set circle of friends and breaking into a clique is rough, no matter where you are.

LEZ Factor: Teaching Lesbians the Science of Chemistry
Photography by Lauren Marie Marsh http://www.laurenmariemarsh.com

That’s why I want to introduce all my readers to LEZ Factor. If you’re a queer girl in NYC, chances are you have seen LEZ Factor everywhere lately, at the Pride Parade and in your friends’ Facebook feeds. LEZ Factor is the newest and easiest way to meet women in NYC. I sat down with LEZ Factor founder, Milly DuBouchet, to get the inside scoop.

Hot Femme: How did you come up with the idea for LEZ Factor? How long have you been around?

Milly Dubouchet: I’m in a loving, committed, long-term relationship – and I couldn’t be happier with life because of it. I guess I just wish everyone experienced the same type of love. That life-changing love. I figured I had to start somewhere, and I truly feel that a lot of women are missing out because they struggle with very fundamental social sticking points that keep them from attracting the right woman. Essentially, I’m helping women ultimately get to point Z by hand-holding them through points A, B, C, and beyond. We’ve been producing events for women since March 2011 but officially launched our coaching services in November of last year.

HF: How did you meet your partner?

MD: Delia and I met at Syracuse University during our undergraduate studies. We took an Economics class together. I wanted her the moment she walked into the lecture hall! We spent years in a flirtatious whirlwind and when it happened, boy did it happen! I’ve never looked back since. No matter how many women I was dating in college; no matter how many wanted access to my heart, it wasn’t possible. Delia already had it in a choke hold! lol Seven years later and she’s still my world.

What’s better than going home with a hot girl? Going home with a hot girl and her girlfriend.

HF: What makes you stand out from other dating services?

MD: LEZ Factor only caters to lesbian, bisexual, and bicurious women, so that sets us apart. It’s a “for us, by us” type of company. We’re also young, hip, and really big on dating with integrity. We encourage women to be their best selves and to challenge themselves to be the creators of their own romantic success. We’re not matchmakers and we’re sort of the antithesis of online dating! We’ll support you if you choose to date 5 women at once, so long as you place a high priority on being honest with all of them. A lot of folks put basic moral values on the back-burner while they navigate the single life, which can be really detrimental to their dating success. We place a strong emphasis on doing the right thing when we advise women, and I think that’s pretty unique in this day and age!

HF: You offer extensive “training” for your members. Why do you think it’s so much harder for queer women to make a connection and how do you think your advice differs from standard “pick-up artist” advice? (i.e. Mystery from VH1)

MD: While queer women share a lot of the same challenges that straight women do, we also have a few nuances that complicate things. Straight women generally expect men to make the first approach. For us, it’s not as black and white. We also have feminine presenting women who also date feminine presenting women. Their challenge is being perceived as straight because they don’t physically look like a stereotypical lesbian. I can go on and on! LEZ Factor takes these factors into account when advising women. The standard “pick-up artist” advice is generally male-geared and sex specific. Their objective is to get men laid – period! Our mission is a lot more humble than that. We truly care about empowering women to love themselves so that they can attract the women they want from the inside out.

Milly wants hot women to wrap their legs around you. That’s sweet of her.

HF: What is the most common mistake that you see more queer girls making when it comes to their social lives?

MD: One thing I’m noticing more and more of is the growing trend of online dating. Queer women are opting to date via the Internet as opposed to getting out and meeting some real, 3-dimensional ladies. Dating online is the perfect vehicle to construct perfectly worded profiles and messages but once you meet her offline, real-life challenges set in. I encourage women to get off of their computers and put themselves out there from time to time. It’s the only real way to grow socially.

HF: What are the three most important qualities that a woman can exude in order to land her lady?

MD: Confidence, authenticity, and a little bit of allure (among other things) can be a deadly combination! A woman who is unapologetic about who she is can be incredibly attractive – as long as she’s a good person, of course! At LEZ Factor, there’s also something we call the “SCALE of Magnetism.” It’s our secret formula for attracting women with little effort. You’ll have to attend one of our workshops for the scoop. 😉

HF: You’re Latina! I am too, do you think that Latinas face any specific challenges when it comes to dating that other women don’t?

MD: Well, I can personally attest to the fact that as a Latina, I’ve dealt with a ton of challenges when I came out to my family. Our culture is not exactly welcoming of all things queer, so I had a difficult time being accepted. It took them a really long time to come around. Once they came to terms with things, everything turned out great, but it was tough! Aside from the coming out process, I think Latinas deal with a lot of the same issues other women do when it comes to dating.

Not ready for a relationship yet? LEZ Factor mixers are also a great way to make friends, that could become “more than friends” someday.

HF: LEZ Factor also hosts events, tell me about them.

We host bi-monthly mixers to give women a chance to meet other women in a more intimate setting. We create a structure for them to practice their social skills while they talk about women and dating. It’s not the typical mixer where women are given a name-tag and sent off to network on their own. We create ice-breakers, burning topics, and break-out groups so they know exactly what the topic of discussion is, exactly what group of women they’ll speak to and for how long, and we give out fun prizes. 75 to 100 women in a room – all talking about women at once – is incredibly dynamic. It’s like an after-work mixer on steroids! lol

HF: Tell me about your partnership with Babeland, an LGBT friendly sex positive retailer.

MD: Babeland is an awesome establishment. They loved our concept and have been incredibly supportive of us since the beginning. We reached out to them for sponsorship in the form of giveaways for our launch party and they went above and beyond to be helpful. We’ve established a wonderful relationship ever since, and even produced some events together recently. I look forward to working more closely with them as we continue to build our brand.

Interested in finding out more? Find LEZ Factor online at www.lezfactor.com

Keep up with them on:

Facebook

Twitter

Meetup

LinkedIn

Hot Femme’s Guide to Successful Summer Lovin’

Tags

advice, boobs, crush, Dating, Dyke Drama, femme, gay, kissing girls, lesbian, LGBT, long distance, Love, Queer, relationship advice, relationships, romance, Summer Fling, Summer Love, Summer Loving, Summer Romance

When summer hits, think more “topless pool parties, bottomless depravity” than marriage

So you want to have a summer fling. I know most of you think you don’t need “rules” for summer love, but you do. Trust me. For a gay girl, not breaking out the U-Haul on the second date is totally counter-intuitive. I’m laying these out now because I know that come September, I’m going to be flooded with “Ask the Femme” emails that ask for advice on dealing with the girl that doesn’t text back anymore.

Why does this happen? Because a lot of people take on summer internships in different cities, or leave school to go back home for summer break, or are simply taking advantage of the less busy season to date, but will disappear when their workload picks up again, or maybe it’s as simple as summer time meaning party time.

Again, each situation is different and summer flings do have the potential to turn into more. Either way, it’s better to play this Cool Spice so you don’t get hurt or scare away your love interest.

1) Keep it light

Summer is not known as the season of introspection. In fact, it brain hibernation season. Think about it, most of us opt for fun beach reads instead of Tolstoy and shell out for summer blockbusters where “sh*t gets blow’d up.” So when you meet someone at a rooftop bar or a summer barbecue, don’t lead with serious conversation. Talk about the things that will keep a smile on your face and hers.

Like boobs! Who doesn’t love those? (Image via http://dyke-recovery.tumblr.com/)

2) Keep your expectations low

When you start talk to a girl, totally click and get the digits, it’s easy to let your brain automatically jump to the next step.

‘OMG WE BOTH LOVE DOGS AND WE WILL WALK OURS TOGETHER EVERY MORNING AND THEN DO THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE AND SIP STARBUCKS AND THIS IS AMMMAAZZZINNGGGGGG’

Stop. Right. There. A lot of the time, you don’t know if she’s just in your town for the summer. Or if YOU are the out-of-towner, you have no idea if the woman you just met is up for a long distance thang.

This rule might seem like common sense, but let me share a horrible Hot Femme story of dyke drama with you.

Oh no! Not a horrible one!

 Yes, a horrible one.

A long time ago, when I was single, I had a hot summer fling with a girl that was in town for the summer. Let’s call her Amanda. We went on awesome, inventive dates all over Brooklyn and I would stay over her place afterward…to um…play scrabble and stuff.

I knew Amanda was going back to where she was from when the summer was over, so it was all good. One weekend she said she couldn’t hang out because her dad was in town. Then I got a myspace message (yup, I had that) from her roommate telling me that Amanda’s dad was never in town, it was actually Amanda’s girlfriend.

My expectations were low, but they apparently weren’t low enough.

The moral of the story is some relationships aren’t meant to last forever, some are. Remember that meeting someone you like and getting to know them is valuable in itself. She doesn’t need to turn into your girlfriend for it to be a great experience for you both. And if it does work out? Then you can jump for joy because you totally didn’t see that one coming.

She likes me! She really likes me!

3) Keep it low maintenance

This is by far, the easiest rule. Find a make-up regimen that won’t melt off and make you look like a rodeo clown in the heat. Keep any thing you need to “touch-up” in your bag with you. I recommend a tinted moisturizer with SPF 15, a small compact with loose powder, eyeliner, a moisturizing lip gloss that also contains SPF 15 and blotting papers.

Wear clothes that are comfortable and loose and if they can’t be loose, at least try to make sure they are cotton. Sweat stains are not sexy. Same goes for shoes, wear footgear that you can walk in and that won’t give you blisters if you sweat and have some extra friction. Limping down the boardwalk? Not sexy.

Also, if you know that you will be outdoors and that you burn easily, put on sunscreen before you leave the house. No one wants make out with a lobster.

Except this chick…and she’s pretty hot soooo…now I don’t know anymore. Just put on freaking sunscreen cuz health.

4) Be up for anything

Not all of us are lucky enough to live in areas with beautiful climates. The summer is the time when most people try to cram as many outdoor activities into their schedule as possible. Being too high maintenance to rough it during the summer isn’t as adorable as it is in the winter, when you can offer a snuggle and a cup of hot chocolate.

If you followed the “low maintenance” rule, then you can easily go for a hike, chill at a rooftop bar, chow down on veggie burgers at a queer vegan BBQ, hit the beach, or play frisbee in the park. Summer is a great time to explore new activities. If you aren’t open to new experiences, your crush can probably find another girl to go out and play with her. Besides, who doesn’t love to try new things? Remember, the girl may not last, but if she taught you to love beach volleyball, you can keep that for always!

You got all that? Good.

Now go enjoy your hot summer.

LGBT Wedding Trends For 2012

Tags

2012, bachelor party, bachelorette party, bridesmaids, cake topper, Destination Weddings, disco, dogs, Donna Summers, gay, Green, June, lesbian, LGBT, marriage, marry, pets, Pride, Pride Month, Queer, Wedding Season, Wedding Trends, Weddings

Let’s get some Donna Summers playing up in this bitch.

It’s Pride month! Those of us who are single and ready to mingle are probably partying it up in the pride events that are taking place all over the country. However, for those of us that have been coupled up for years and have family members asking about babies, this time of year is more commonly known as wedding season.

Queer, straight or otherwise you are probably gearing up to attend someone else’s special day. Or maybe you are thinking of planning your own big event? Or daydreaming about the hot barista and planning a wedding before she even knows your name? Here are some of the top trends that the gays are employing into their nuptial celebrations so your big day doesn’t turn into a “My Big Fat Gay Wedding” disaster:

1. Destination Weddings

This trend used to be called “eloping” or “We’re going to Canada where it’s legal” but Destination Wedding sounds so much sexier, doesn’t it? Why is this trend popular? Because there is a one in 10 chance that you live in a state where same-sex marriage is legal, so most of us are going to be traveling for our big day so make it fabulous! Don’t sneak away by yourselves, hire a planner or quit your job and devote yourself to planning your big day in an exotic locale. Iowa, the gay-friendly state that could, is reporting a boost in tourism directly related to same-sex weddings. Giving back to a community that has recognized our rights is a great way to celebrate your love! Plus, I hear the corn is as high as an elephant’s eye there…or something like that.

This isn’t Iowa…but it looks awesome.

2. Joint Bachelor/ette Parties

File this one under Best. Trend. Ever. Joint Bachelor and bachelorette parties mean that the wedding isn’t going to be called off because someone got drunk and accidentally groped a stripper. If you can party with your spouse-to-be you avoid all the drama, hurt feelings, jealousy and anxiety that live hand-in-hand with these bashes. Or you can sleep with the stripper together! Whatever works.

Lez party…together.

3. Furry Flowergirls and Ring Bearers

I know lesbians, we love our pussycats but maybe putting them in our wedding ceremonies is crossing the line? Apparently, the answer is no. Cats in tophats and dogs in bridesmaid dresses are taking over the internet. I for one, am guilty of following this trend. My 3 pound Yorkie wore lilac silk to my wedding. The only rule to remember when putting your pooch in the nuptial line of fire is be kind. Make sure you have someone to put your pet someplace safe once the festivities are underway and make sure they have food and water. Plus, keep any animal tormenting children far, far away.

True confession? My dog might have worn a similar dress to my wedding. And it might come with a matching headband.

4. Same-sex Wedding Cake Toppers

Cute and kitch, many LGBT couples are opting to put two little Grooms or two little Brides at the top of their cakes. Wedding cake toppers have gone out of style among the hetero set, with outrageously priced and fondant sleek cakes being the norm. However, if you are queer- go ahead and shout it from the top of your cake!

5. Green Weddings

No, I’m not talking about color schemes, I’m talking saving the earth! Gays love a good trip down altruism lane and we have led the charge when it comes to environmental friendliness. When I got married, we contracted with a printer that used all recycled paper. This meant that our save-the-dates, invitations, menus, place cards and thank-you notes were all green! We also used a party bus to shuttle people to and from their hotels, that really cut down on the CO2 emissions and let our guests get as drunk as they wanted! Totally a win-win for all involved.

Ask the Femme: She’s Not Ready For a Relationship

Tags

advice, ask the femme, coming out, crushes, Dating, just not that into you, lesbian, Love, Queer, relationships

Welcome back to “Ask the Femme.” Where I field your questions on love and dating. This week, we have a woman who is worried that her crush “isn’t ready for a relationship right now.” 

Hi,

I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years…. attractive, talented, all of that.  She was very sweet and friendly with me… and finally single!  But — she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while.  Not really in the market now.  (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.)  She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe… but she’s who I really want!

Moreover, my mom has a particularly high regard for her as well, so she’s the only person I know of that my family would support initially rather than questioning like, “What is she DOING dating a woman??”  How do I resolve this?

Thank you,

WS

Hi WS,

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but the girl you want? She’s just not into you. I hate using that expression, because life isn’t black and white and sometimes timing is off, things come up, etc. But my gut feeling is that she’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.

I know, it stings, but it’s not personal! You can’t force chemistry.

I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around and take you up on your offer. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.

Hey girl…this is your last shot if you want alllllll this!

As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents both as a new partner instead of having the”but you were straight before you met her” conversation.

Good luck, WS and keep in touch!

Have a question for me? Shoot me a Facebook message! 

What She Means When She Says “LOL”

Tags

advice, Dating, email, Facebook, flirt, flirting, funny, gchat, jokes, lesbian, LOL, online dating, Queer, relationships, texting, that's what she said

Women are complicated. Sometimes you need a decoder to figure out what the words they are saying actually mean. And when you’re talking about a lez relationship, it’s twice as hard. Which is why I’m going to help you decode what your crush/potential girlfriend is saying when she types “lol.” Let’s face it, most of us aren’t laughing out loud when we type it, especially not to a lady we might be into.

1) When “lol” means “I’m flirting with you”

I said “hi” and she said “hi, lol” …wtf does that mean?

Between text messages, Gchat, dating site messages, email and Facebook messages chances are if you like a girl, you and her are going to be engaging in a ton of written communication. Some girls add “lol” to the end of a sentence to indicate that they are flirting with you. Think of it as the IRL (in real life) equivalent of her flipping her hair, putting her hand on your arm or smiling at you with that goofy crush face smile.

Example 1: 

You: Nice weather today, I might take my dog for a walk. 

Her: Dogs love walking in nice weather lol 

This “lol” means, please ask me to take a walk with you, because I think you’re cute. 

Example 2: 

You: Chocolate chip cookies are my favorite! 

Her: Mine too! lol

This “lol” means, we have so much in common, you should totally go out with me.

Basically, in the case of the flirty “lol” it means she’s really glad you are talking to her, not that you’re the next Kathy Griffin.

2) When “lol” means “Please compliment me…now”

This “lol” is sneaky and you have about 30 seconds to react in the way She needs you to react before she totally freaks out. Let’s look at some examples.

Example: 

I think this sports bra makes my boobs look really small, lol

Okay, when a woman refers to any part of her body negatively and then adds an “lol” you need to tell her that body part is awesome, ASAP. Like for example, the girl in the picture says her boobs look small. There are several ways to respond.

“They look great, babe” 

“I like that they are cute and perky” 

“You only need a mouthful”

3) When “lol” means, “comfort me”

“My boss just reamed me out lol”

See also: “I just failed my chemistry test lol”

Despite the “lol” chances are She’s more upset about things than she’s leading on. Take this as a cue to be sensitive and there for her. Get her flowers! Orrrr simply respond with, “That sucks babe, anything I can do?”

4) When “lol” means “I’m really annoyed with you but I don’t want to scare you away”

This is really common in new relationships. The most common phrases:

“Were you flirting with that girl? lol”

“Are you really not going to spend the whole night? lol” 

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking she’s just kidding. She’s on the verge of being angry. The best approach is to tackle this head on and apologize…for whatever it is.

5) When “lol” means “I think you’re adorbs”

This one will come after you say something funny, even if she doesn’t really think it’s funny.  Luckily for you, she thinks you’re cute.

Everytime you send me a “that’s what she said” text, I’ll send you an “lol” back, even though that joke is a million years old.

What do YOU mean when you say “lol?”