Do your coworkers know about your girlfriend? Did you mention that if they have any single, hot girlfriends your totally available? Oooorr do they think you have a boyfriend and that’s why you bolt out the door every night. Let me know if you are out at work, how you came out or if you think it’s a bad idea in the comments!
Do you know what a merkin is? If you watched The L Word you do…remember that journalist or book reviewer who hated Jenny and then Jenny put her dog to sleep and dated her girlfriend or something? I don’t remember. To make a long story short- a merkin is a wig for your vag. Like if you don’t have any hair on it. Sooo there’s that.
I wasn’t clear on the point of a merkin until recently. I thought perhaps it was for practical reasons, like if your vag is cold or something. No one wants that part of their body to freeze off. It’s pretty important. But apparently the function of a merkin is decorative. Former Real Housewives of New York co-star Cindy Barshop owns a hair removal business that also provides vagazzling services. As the name implies, vajazzling is bedazzling for your vagina.
Vajazzling is something I can understand. I like sparkles and I like beaver. So put them together and great! Although it seems like rubbing on a body part that has rhinestones glued to it would irritate one’s skin…or tear it off, depending on the body part.
Anywho, the patrons of Cindy Barshop’s salon can now get the human hair waxed off their vag and have dyed pink fox hair or feathers glued onto their skin for the low, low price of 100 dollars! That’s an extra hundred on top of what you already paid to get waxed. Now you can get your animal cruelty fix while you actively throw your hard earned money down a rathole. I believe that’s what Oprah calls ‘multi-tasking.’ There’s a reason 20-something straight women are the demographic group most likely to file for bankruptcy. Because it’s not enough for them to get waxed anymore, not they also have to pay to add hair back ON once they take it off.
Next time anyone says that I’m ‘too pretty too be a lesbian’ or asks me ‘why do lesbians dress like men?’ I’m totally going to say “at least we don’t glue neon pink fox fur onto our vaginas!” and then storm off. Probably leaving a confused straight person in my wake.
Seriously, straight women, if you are reading this, just say no to merkins.
*This post is completely satire and not meant to offend any straight women. We all know the majority of women would never go for a product like this, and it’s ridiculous that anyone would consider marketing this to any woman, anywhere.
01/22/2011- by Natasia Langfelder
Welcome back to Ask the Femme, you’re one stop shop for queer loooooove advice. This week, we explore the problem of having a girlfriend who just isn’t into bisexuals.
I hope you can help because I’m at the end of my rope with my girlfriend. We have been together for 7 months and she is always picking at me for being bisexual. She says mean things like “I bet you think he’s hot,” whenever a reasonably attractive man walks by. I haven’t even been with a man in years and I’ve never cheated on her! We can’t even watch Grey’s Anatomy together because she say’s that I will go and sleep with a man and get pregnant and make her raise the baby!
When I tell her that she’s bothering me, she says that my being bisexual bothers her, so we are even. I don’t get it because she knew I was bisexual when we met. If she hated the idea of it so much then why did she even ask me out? What the heck am I supposed to do?
Wow. Your girlfriend sounds like a real peach. If I was you, I would probably ditch her for someone who is less bi-phobic. More and more women are labeling themselves as sexually fluid, so it isn’t too hard to find someone who is more understanding of the nuances of your sexuality.
But, if you want to save this relationship and it sounds like you do, you need to understand that she is very insecure and that’s where this mean spiritedness is coming from. Maybe she didn’t realize just how jealous and insecure she would get when you two first started dating and now that things are serious, she’s terrified of losing you.
You need to sit her down and tell her you want to talk about the bi issue seriously, without the childish “we are even” argument. Seriously, that makes no sense! Tell her what you told me, that she knew who you were when you met her and that as your partner, you want her to accept all your parts. Tell her you know that being with a bisexual can be scary, because it seems like bisexuals have more opportunities to cheat or could have a slight gender preference. Ease her fears by telling her you don’t prefer one sex over the other and that you would never cheat on a romantic partner, especially not her. Add that her bi-phobia is pushing you away and making you feel rejected and unhappy. Those feelings are more likely to make you end the relationship than a hot guy walking down the street, so you need her to stop rejecting one of your core traits.
Good luck, Bi! Let me know what happens.
Have a question for me? Send me a Facebook message at www.facebook.com/natasiarose
Etta James has passed away. Her songs remind me that artists can take the pain in life and turn it into something universal; something that can connect millions of people for decades. Etta frequently sang of romance gone bad. Lost love is a horrible feeling, but the upside is the art that can come out of it. “I’d Rather Go Blind” makes me think of all the heartbreak the world has seen. We all have ‘the one that got away’ or ‘the one that never was’ or ‘a rough patch’ in a long term relationship. It’s a human experience that binds us, regardless of nationality or sexuality. Etta showed the beauty that grows from pain. That life is beautiful because it is ephemeral.
I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do.
I can guess your top New Year’s resolution without even being a psychic. It was to work out more. See also: “lose weight” or “be healthier.” The tiny gym in my building is flooded with people I have never seen before, add that to the regulars who are there 5/6 days a week and that equal’s total gridlock.
Personally, I know how easy it is to lose motivation. I usually work out before heading to the office and the temptation of hitting snooze is powerful. Especially since it’s pitch black at 6 o’clock in the morning. And, if you’re a regular reader of Hot Femme, you know I work out at the tiny gym in my building. It’s now flooded with Resolutioners, which has upped the wait times for a machine from none to about 10 minutes. Having a great playlist can help give you the motivation to get out of bed. Here are the songs that motivate me!
1. Shake Señora- Pitbull feat. T-Pain and Sean Paul
This song is like my dream. A reggaeton beat to satisfy the Boriqua in me and a sampling of a song from my favorite yuppie classic, Beetlejuice. This song makes 4 minutes on the treadmill feel like 30 seconds.
2. Dance (A$$)- Big Sean
I love this song. Especially the “go stupid” part, because that’s what my Minority Report partner in crime Cynthia says to me when I dance!
3. Obsessed- Mariah Carey
I know, I know, it’s an old song. BUT, you know that b*tch that’s telling everyone she got something she didn’t get? Listening to this song provides the soundtrack to a good revenge fantasy.
4. Caught Out There- Kelis
You might be sensing a theme…nothing is more motivating than anger. Think of the ex that broke your heart and get that much closer to hot.
5. Turn Me On- Nicki Minaj
This song is all about sex. And you know what you want to get in shape for? Exactly.
6. Frisky- Tinie Tempah
See no. 5.
7. Pass At Me- Timbaland
Because I love it when you make a pass at me.
8. Sexy and I Know It- LMFAO
Keep your eyes on the prize, girl. If you want to be sexy you better keep running.
9. Till the World Ends: Femme Fatale Remix- Britney Spears feat. Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha
It’s Britney, bitch. ‘Nuff said.
10. Domino- Jessie J.
This one is going to remind you of The Girl. The one that makes your heart sing. Don’t you want to stay in shape for her? Exactly.
I love dancing. After I strolled in early Saturday morning, my wife turned to me and asked “When are you going to be too old for this?” I’m pretty sure the answer is never. When my friends and I are Golden Girls, I hope that we are still dancing on tables at Senior’s Bingo Night.
I don’t think I’m too old. But there is another problem. I’ve completely forgotten how to dance with men. I don’t understand their rhythm or their bodies. It wasn’t always like this. When I was younger, I loved dancing with guys. That was high on my list of regular activities, go to frat parties, dance with guys and wake up the next morning to study.
When I was 20, I started making the transition from dancing with guys, to dancing with girls. Not like, straight girl on straight girl “ladies night” type of dancing, like real “maybe I’ll get lucky later” kind of dancing.
It was hard.
The first girl I danced with was another Latina, taller than me with long curly black hair perfectly styled to look wet and large hoop earrings with her name spelled out inside the hoop. A group of us met up before the party. Our conversation went like this:
Girl: Look! We’re both wearing sneakers!
Me: Yep! Guess we’re the gay ones.
And then she kissed me. She thought I was funny and a kiss? I was pretty sure I had this in the bag. We got to the party and hit the dance floor. I was too confident. Both from the kiss and the numerous compliments I was used to getting on my dancing skills. Usually I danced around the guy, daring him to try and keep up and then eventually giving in with some closer dancing. Which is exactly what this girl did to me. And I couldn’t keep up. Every time I matched her rhythm with my hips she would switch it up and leave me in the dust again.
I felt like a big clumsy man. It totally blew.
Luckily, I now have plenty of experience dancing with women and it’s a pleasurable experience for everyone. Especially for women who enjoy being picked up ‘Thunder Down Under’ style. But that’s a story for another time.
While my lady dancing skills have improved, my hetero dancing skills have totally disappeared. Usually when I go out to straight clubs I try to dance by myself and deflect the grenades that come my way by ducking behind my friends. Once in awhile, I will dance with a straight man, if I notice he has moves I’ll let him dance with me. This happened the other night and um. It didn’t end well for him. In addition to being completely confused about the way this guy was moving, I also forgot that he had anything between his legs. Basically, I kneed a perfectly nice guy in the nuts by accident.
Yup. So, is it easier for you to dance with men or women? Ever almost give someone a significant groin injury? Erm…I can’t be the only one right? …Right? Anyone?
2012, animals, babe, blog, blogging, clean, DeGeneres, gay, lesbian, LGBT, lose weight, new year's resolutions, New York City, novel, Portia de Rossi, Queer, Rachel Maddow, reality tv, Sex, vegetarian, work out, writer, writers, writing, yoga
The older I get, the more people I meet who hate New Year’s Resolutions. You’ve probably heard the most popular objections: “You’re not going to keep it anyway!” or “You could have decided to be a better person at any point in the year, but you DIDN’T!”
Well. Yeah. Those people have a point. But if you’re a goody-two-shoes Pollyanna like me, you’ve already made your New Year’s Resolutions list for 2012. Here’s mine!
1. Integrate working out into my social life
How specific is this right? I could have made it “lose more weight” but I didn’t. Do you all remember when I went on crazy working out times before Halloween? (Of course you do because I’m that important to you) My work outs are solitary, they consist of waking up before work, getting in as much cardio as I can stand with my earphones in and then getting my day started so I can go out to happy hour after work and drink all those calories back on.
So in 2012, instead of making exercise a pre-dawn chore, like milking cows, I want to dedicate more after work time to it. And maybe drag my friends along, so we can do something that doesn’t involve calories. Basically, I’m going to make everyone I know pay for me being out of shape. Who wants to hang out with me?!
2. Finish my novel. Yes! Hot Femme has been working on a novel forever. However, 2012 is the year it’s going to get done. Even if it means giving up trashy reality television…god I hope it doesn’t mean that.
3. Post on my blog more. I love making hot women laugh and this is the best way to reach as many of you as possible. If I didn’t laugh so hard at my own jokes, I would try stand-up comedy.
4. Be kinder to others. Just cuz I don’t want to get my butt kicked if I argue with the wrong person on the subway. Oh and like, peace on earth and stuff.
5. Eat less animal fat. Why? I could say for health reasons, so no one judges me. But really it’s because, like most lesbians, I have warm and fuzzy feelings for animals and I hate how delicious they are. I want to save all the animals, not just the cute ones and I’m going to start by trying to break my own addiction to their delicious byproducts. If I succeed this year, maybe next year I can go full vegetarian. That’s called setting realistic goals.
6. Clean my apartment more often. New York apartments are tiny, they look fab when they are clean and like an episode of Hoarders when they aren’t. So yeah, this needs to happen more.
Some resolutions that didn’t make it on the list this year were:
- Take Yoga everyday and become a Yogi.
- Learn to age backwards, Benjamin Button style
- Master the art of Tantric Sex.
- Lose 100 pounds and dye hair blond to better resemble Portia de Rossi DeGeneres.
- Convince Rachel Maddow to show me her boobs.
- Discover the meaning of life and the reason for being.
Alright ladies, I’ve shown you mine, now show me yours!