Online Dating: You Can With This, But She Won’t Get With That

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advice, ask the femme, body image, Dating, femme, girls, Hot Girl, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Love, online dating, pretty, Queer, relationships, Sex, texting

Houston, we have a pussycat problem. A gay one.

After my last post I received a lot of interesting messages about online dating. In fact, some of you even sent me real life online dating messages from potential future ex-girlfriends. After reviewing some of the messages, I’ve concluded that we have a problem. A big problem. [Insert the obligatory lame Houston joke here]

When you message someone over a dating site you have to remember that this is their first impression of you. The girl you are messaging knows nothing about you, she has no idea how awesome you are. If your first message sucks, she probably won’t even look at your profile to see if you are a good match. I’ve included some real life examples below. Let’s take a look at where this went wrong and how we can fix it.

Example One (same person):

Sep 25, 2011 – 10:47pm
Hey! How are you? 🙂

Sep 25, 2011 – 10:49pm
Btw I’m a huge packers fan lol that’s what made me go omg I really have to message this girl lol my parents r from Wisconsin lol

Sep 25, 2011 – 11:16pm
Obviously I’m not pretty enough lol have a goodnight

This girl, let’s call her Mel, starts off okay but things go south pretty bad. First- initial contact should be more than just a “Hi.” The train of thought that was trying to get through in the second message should have gone into the first one. Minus all the lol’s. One “lol” is good, but if you have an “lol” every five words then that’s the equivalent of nervous laughter. Not too sexy right? Yeah I didn’t think so. The second problem is that Mel is way too sensitive and defensive. Look at the time stamps- she gives the girl she thinks is cute less than a half hour to respond before she accuses the other girl of thinking she’s not pretty enough.

U have 27 minutes to respond to me or I'll stab you...3,2,1

DRAMA alert. The “lol” does nothing to make Mel seem less butthurt over not being messaged back instantly. If you are butthurt that easily, you aren’t dating material. This is what Mel should have written:

Sep 25, 2011 – 10:47pm

Hey,

When I saw your profile I needed to message you! We have a lot in common- I’m a huge Packers fan and my parents are from Wisconsin. Maybe we could talk about football and cheese sometime.

Have a great night!

I LOVE TO LOL

This is how a grown-up says hello. Even if Mel NEEDS to insert an ‘lol’ into this message because it’s part of her personality and GOD HOW CAN YOU SEND A MESSAGE WITHOUT LAUGHTER? WHAT IS THE WORLD WITHOUT LAUGHTER- the message would still be effective. The key here is to get the other person to see that they could hold a conversation with you about things they care about. Fixed? Great. Now on, on, on to the next one:

Example Two (same person):

9/26/2011 8:07:04 PM
we need to go out… you are beautiful!! sorry so blunt, but shoot!

Sent Date: 9/26/2011 8:16:51 PM
hey you took my breath…can I have it back??? hahah so cheezy I know lol.. I have to be able to laugh at my self, I am just going to throw this out to you, I want to get to know you, maybe go for a drink or text for a bit.. (haha i suppose the TEXT should come first, then the drink) anyway let me know, i think you are real easy on my eyes, and I just started this fish finder… dont laugh at my dog and I, I think we might be starting to look alike… YIKES! Haha

Again, we have multiple messages without waiting for a reply. This girl, let’s call her Toni, did a few things right. She showed her personality. No, the person she is writing too might not like enjoy self-aware cheesy pick up lines, but the right girl will find it cute. Toni keeps it light in asking for a drink or a text and throws in some compliments. I would think Toni is a funny lady IF she used correct punctuation, capital letters and hadn’t sent the first message at all.

The first message is the equivalent to a catcall on the street. It doesn’t mean anything and girls that are used to being called beautiful by strangers aren’t going to respond. The second message is better, but again, let’s write like grown-ups when trying to get a date. Also, the last sentence is a little too self depreciating. It’s a little too early to let the girl you think is beautiful in on any self esteem issues.

Oh hai, do you think I'm a dog?

NEXT!

Example Three:

Hi I’m [name redacted] I’m new to all of this and I’m not sure how to start getting to know people so I would like to give u
my cell number so we can get to kno eachother. I would really like to get to know you. Plz feel free to contact me
at [cell phone digits redacted]

This girl is either in high school or a prostitute. Or both! Don’t send a message that looks like this and never include your number in a first message.

Example Four (same person):

9/10/2011 8:26:19 PM
Hey, how’s your evening

Sent Date: 9/16/2011 4:12:28 PM
Hey, how’s your day going?

Sent Date: 9/16/2011 6:17:56 PM
Do I just suck

I'm so shy. But if you say something sweet I'll be brave enough to leave my cup

I admit it, I have a soft spot in my heart for this person. Let’s call her Jac. Jac’s opening email wasn’t strong. Like I mentioned in Mel’s case, you need to tell the other person why she should talk to you. After double checking with the recipient of Jac’s message, Tami, she said she didn’t respond because she didn’t know what to tell a perfect stranger about her evening. If Jac really wanted Tami to talk to her (and the multiple messages indicate that she does) she needs to give her something to talk about. Online dating is hard and replying to someone who sent you a message can be just as daunting as actually reaching out to someone. So assume the object of your interest is shy and help her out.

Now the “Do I suck” message cracks me up and someone like me would probably respond to that. BUT again, Tami wouldn’t. If Jac really wanted to know why Tami wasn’t interested, she could have asked in a more serious way. Something along the lines of “I thought we could be a good match- is there any reason why you haven’t responded to me?”

Feedback from Tami could have helped Jac in the future. In this case, Tami didn’t like the message. But maybe Jac’s profile picture looks too blurry or old and needs to be updated. Or maybe Jac didn’t have enough interests and activities listed on her profile and didn’t give a sense of who she really is.

So there you have it ladies! Now get out there and message someone. Message her reeeaaaalll good!

Usually this is where I ask if you guys have questions for me. BUT I’m going to turn the tables. Do you all get these kinds of messages? Is it really that bad out there? Tell me about it in the comments, studmuffins.

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Ask the Femme: Online Dating is too Hard! Oh and Real Life Dating is too Hard Also

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advice, ask the femme, Dating, ex, femme, friend zone, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, marriage, online dating, Queer, relationships, romance, runaway bride, soul mate, the one

If you go into every date expecting this to happen-it's not gonna work

Dating: 99% of us will have to do it at one time or another in our lives. And you know what? It’s not great. It’s stressful especially since the stakes are so high. Think about it: you are looking for your soulmate. That’s a pretty tall order and the pressure is bound to get to anyone eventually.

I always tell people to relax and enjoy dating, because one day you will get married and spend the rest of your life with someone. I got some great questions from you guys this weekend about dating. So let’s get down and dirty with it!

Dear Femme,

I’m trying online dating for the first time and I’m so overwhelmed. I get tons of messages that I don’t have time to reply to and it seems like every time I go online I get instant messaged. I have been on one date and it was a total bust. There is another girl from the site I am talking to, but I don’t think she’s my type. I think I am just going to give up. I have a full time career, a large circle of friends and family and volunteer in my free time. I just don’t think I have time to devote to this anymore. What do you think?

Pick me, choose me, love me

Online Bust

Hi OB,
Thanks for writing! First of all, don’t be overwhelmed. This process is supposed to be fun and exciting, not stressful! Take a deep breath and remember why you joined an online dating service in the first place, to meet someone who has the same interests as you. So carve out a chunk of time, turn off your cell phone, turn off the tv, hide your online status and go through your messages. Delete the ones that you think you won’t have any chemistry with, either for physical reasons or grammatical ones. Write back to the ones you like. Not to the ones your friends pick out for you, or the ones that look the most likely to piss off your ex the ones that you feel drawn to at first glance. Trust your gut, don’t second guess.

It's hard but you can do it, I believe in you!

The next step is to browse. Don’t let other women choose you, find women you would choose for yourself. Send them each a personalized message based on the interests you share. Don’t just copy and paste the same message over and over. By doing this you will take control of the situation and you will feel more proactive and less overwhelmed.

The last step, don’t talk to either the girl you met in person or the girl you are talking to. Don’t waste your time or theirs.  Good luck and let me know if you meet anyone!

Dear Femme,

I’ve been single for two years. It seems like every time I start dating someone, things go smoothly for one or two months and then she just disappears! I don’t get it. I don’t have sex with anyone until I think they are really interested (definitely not on the first date!) and everything always seems to be fine until the other person stops returning my calls. I’m not a needy person, I don’t call or text my dates every five minutes but I pay enough attention for them to know I am interested. What am I doing wrong? Thanks for your help!

Two Month Chump

Imagine this movie title is "Runaway Lesbian Date" There. Now it's perfect.

Hi TMC,

Thanks for writing! I’m sorry to hear about your predicament, it’s a pretty tricky situation. I don’t know much about you, but I’m going to try to give you the best advice possible.  There are several different possibilities.

1)      It’s not you, it’s them: What type of women are you choosing to date? What is the common thread? Do you tend to choose women who have just gotten out of long-term relationships? Do you gravitate towards women who aren’t looking for a long term partner?  Try to find out on the first or second date if your date is emotionally available or just looking for a good time. Usually you can just trust your instincts on this one. If she starts crying into her ice cream about her ex-girlfriend, she’s probably not ready to date anyone seriously. That’s your cue to cut her out or put her into the friend zone. This is the best way to ensure you don’t get your feelings hurt down the road.

You: "Nice Weather" Her: "MY EX LOVES WEATHER WAAAA" That's your cue to run away, Simba. Run away and never return.

2)      It’s not them, it’s you: What signals do you send to your dates? Are you sending them “friend zone” signals? Do come across as not wanting to be in a long-term relationship? Listen to yourself when you talk, do you talk about your ex too much? Do you talk about traveling the world with no ties or commitments to anyone or anything? These are red flags to girls who are looking to settle down with someone. If a month has passed and the girl is still around, talk about a future that applies to both of you.

Good luck, TMC and let me know if it works!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com or message me on FB http://www.facebook.com/natasiarose

How Do Lesbians…You Know…Do IT?

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angelina jolie, coming out, femme, girl on girl, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Queer, Sex, The L word, vida guerra

Bitch, I know you did NOT just ask me that.

This question usually comes around when you are least suspecting it. Probably when you are hanging out with a bunch of friends and friends of friends and having a few drinks. Everyone is having a good time. Then, someone asks you if you have a boyfriend and you say something like “No, I actually like girls.”

This is usually when it happens. Someone, male or female, it doesn’t matter, will bust out with: “BUT HOW DO TWO GIRLS HAVE SEX?” 

Other variations include (but are not limited to):

1. Are you the one that wears the strap on?
2. So…it’s…like…just oral sex?
3. Are YOU the guy?
4. Don’t you miss X male body part?

Homie don't play that.

So what do you? First, you shove the desire to punch this person in the face deep down inside. Violence never solves anything. Then, if you are like me, you freeze. It’s such an invasive thing to ask someone and every time it happens I feel like someone just tossed a bucket of ice water over my head.

I’ve decided to create a menu of responses to this question, so you can whip them out even if you are caught off guard!

1) “Calm down, perv! That’s none of your business.” or “ Ew, I don’t know, how do YOU have sex?” 

These approaches should shame whoever asked the question into shutting up and chances are your friends will change the topic. It’s always better to be sassy and sarcastic rather than bitchy. Let the other person be the a-hole in the situation.

 2) “Why don’t you ask your girlfriend/wife/mom/sister?” 

If you really hit it, you might want to keep your big dyke mouth shut.

Obvs you should say this in a joking manner. Esp if you want to avoid a fist fight. I’ve noticed from personal experience that it shuts people up quick. Again, don’t be dead serious when you say this, even if it’s true. Humor is the best way to combat stupid.

 3) “If you come home with me later, I can just show you.” WINK

Ever gone on a magic carpet ride?

Only say this if the girl asking the question is cute…and if you are good at winking. Duh.

 4) “Why? Do you want to make sure you’re doing it right?”

People who ask such invasive questions deserve to get an invasive question thrown right back at them. But again, be careful with your tone. Nobody likes nasty.

5) “Add ‘The L Word’ to your Netflix que.”

Ok, maybe it's not the way that we live, but I still miss that show.

This one speaks for itself. Plus, this is the way, it’s the way that we live and looooooooovvvveeeee.

I know some of you nice grrls out there are thinking “But maybe I really should tell them! Maybe they just want to know?” And maybe they do, but it’s not your job to splay your most intimate moments out in front of everyone in order to educate them. If someone really is interested in understanding more about how queers love, they will ask one-on-one and in a more sensitive way.

Your turn! Have you ever been asked about GirlSex and what did you say?

Does This Make Me Look Like a Lesbian?

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Burberry, Celebrities, Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Lately, DKNY, E!, Fashion Police, Fashion's Night Out, hugh grant, jewel, lesbian, LGBT, NYC, NYC Fashion Week, Patricia Field, Peter Som, Queer, Sex and the City, Sporty Spice, Thakoon, Ugly Betty

You thought Sporty Spice was a lesbian didn't you? We don't all wear wallet chains, wrist cuffs and have tribal tattoos! Ok, well...some of us don't.

Last week was Fashion’s Night Out in NYC. As I strolled Burberry with a glass of citrusy champagne in my hand, looking for the next tray of appetizers, I realized I was surrounded on all sides by straight women and gay men. Particularly of interest was one gay man in a spiky leather jacket that could take my eye out. I enjoy the gift of sight, so I scurried away.

The whole night got me thinking about the invisibility of gay women in the fashion industry in general, despite the fact that Patricia Field is arguably the most famous stylist in the world. While fashionistas know that she is the stylist for Sex and the City and Ugly Betty, fewer of them know that she’s a lesbian. Comedian Chelsea Handler also has a lesbian stylist on her super popular show “Chelsea Lately.” Despite this, lesbians aren’t exactly synonymous with fashion. Jokes about lesbian’s bad fashion sense are everywhere in the media and on the internet (I’m looking at you, every man on E!’s ‘Fashion Police’) The basic gist of these jokes are:

• We wear plaid/flannel.
• We look like men (as if there is anything wrong with that. Hi Rachel, I heart you)
• We wear ugly, comfortable shoes. (Just ask country singer Jewel, who wears “lesbian shoes” while not performing)
• We don’t wear make-up. (Hugh Grant thinks he looks like an old lesbian!)
• We don’t have curves.

Even for people who don’t make jokes, if someone asks you “does this make me look like a lesbian?” We all know what that means and it’s not good. So, lesbians don’t get fashion right all the time. But neither does anyone else. Maybe the question we ask ourselves shouldn’t be “Does this make me look gay?” but “Does this make me look stupid?” Let’s take a look at some of this year’s fashions.

Por example, Burberry things you should wear a skunk on your head this fall/winter.

Skunk or beaver? If it's beaver, than you would look like a lesbian.

DKNY has decided that Spring 2012 is going to the dogs…because even a color blind laborador retriever will see these red and blue floral shorts…and matching bikini top…and matching hat…and jacket…and shoes.

Curb your dog

Peter Som and Thakoon want you to embrace plaid and teflon this winter.

Non-stick all the way, baby!

I may not understand fashion, but I do understand not looking like a nut job. And isn’t that the most important fashion rule of all?

Fall 2011 Nail Colors for Grrls and Bois

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2011, autumn, body image, boi, Essie, fall, Fall 2011, Fashion, femme, grrl, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, nail polish, OPI, Queer, trends

Despite the fact that I’m trying to hold onto summer tooth and nail, it appears that Fall is upon us. The only upside to summer being over is that fall fashion is one of the best times of the year. Knee high boot season? Yes please.

I have to admit I’m in a bit of a fall nail polish rut. Ever since OPI came out with their Russian line in 2007, I’ve been keeping my nails short and dark through fall and winter and covered in Midnight in Moscow. I prefer it to the other OPI fall/winter staple Lincoln Park After Dark because of it’s ruby undertones.

So I’m going to start shaking it up and luckily this season there are tons of awesome, surprisingly gender neutral tones to choose from. Taupes, greys, greens and dark blues and purples are in, so even if you can’t share your girlfriend’s clothes because they aren’t your style/size, at least you two can share nail polish this fall!

Power Clutch by Essie via http://www.mynailpolishonline.com

Let’s start with Essie’s Power Clutch. The color is a gray-green and it’s cute and edgy without being too feminine. Grrls can use this color to add an edge to their look and boi’s who like to paint their nails will find this to be a great alternative to black. Personally I plan to rock this color with a lacy pink tube dress and a leather jacket. OPI has a similar color for this fall, called “Uh Oh Roll Down the Window” which is inspired by New York City. It’s more of an olive green and def worth checking out for girls who are into green but don’t want to look like they have grass growing on their fingernails.

A Taupe the Space Needle via http://www.nailstah.com

OPI is also getting into the gender-neutral trend this season with “A Taupe the Space Needle.” This color is inspired by Seattle, WA and is a pretty taupe with camel undertones. Grrls can match their fishnets to this color while bois can rock it with a burgundy tie. For those of you who want your taupe without the hint of brown, you can

French Quarter for Your Thoughts

check out Essie’s Glamour Purse, which is a truer taupe. Or, as they describe it on their website “almond taupe.”

If it’s grey you are after, a great choice is “French Quarter for Your Thoughts” by OPI. This color is inspired by (duh) New Orleans Lousiana!  Grey goes with everything and will give you a clean and professional look, while still being unique.

I got my nails done yesterday and I chose Essie’s Sexy Divide (what does that even mean?). It’s a purple so dark it’s almost black. I love it but it’s a little too close to Midnight in Moscow, so I think I’m going for Power Clutch next time.

What will you be wearing this fall?

Sexy Divide via http://www.beautyofnewyork.com

Disclaimer: I don’t get any kickbacks from OPI or Essie, they just happen to be the only brands I wear. But if you are reading marketing teams, a kickback would be awesome, thanks!