Interview with Drae Campbell of Prime: The Queer Party for Grown Folks

Tags

Brooklyn, Drae Campbell, gay, Interview, lesbian, LGBT, nightlife, NYC, Over 30, Parties, Pride, Prime, Queer

Head to Prime June 22nd!

It’s Pride season and it’s time to party! I’ve been getting a ton of questions from women in their 30’s about where they can go to meet and party with women their own age. Lovlies, I have an answer. It’s a queer party in Brooklyn called Prime and it’s run by former Ms. Lez Drae Campbell. In her own words, Prime is the queer party for grown folks. Specifically geared toward queers over 30 and the people who love them! Their pride party takes place this Saturday at Jack’s. I was lucky enough to get to sit down with Drae to get the inside track on how Prime came to be.

How did you brainstorm the vision behind Prime?

The vision for Prime is ever evolving. Basically I want to make a fun party that doesn’t treat older people as if they’re ‘old’.  Just because I’m over 30 doesn’t mean I want to stand around having important conversations or doing whatever is expected of my age. We all need to blow off steam and dance and laugh and feel awkward and hook up and whatever it is you do at a party. Just be social sometimes.

I’m inspired by other successful Brooklyn parties such as Yes Ma’am , Hey Queen and Azucar.  I’m also inspired by the queer community.

When it comes to 30 something’s, what are some of the obstacles to finding a place to meet new friends or potential partners?

I feel that nightlife is mostly geared toward young people. The parties that are geared toward older people are geared toward our professional lives. Our work is important but it can easily be mixed with our imaginative, fun side. It’s a facade that acting mature means you are mature. I often find it’s the opposite. Other obstacles are that lots of people over 30 are coupled up and feel that going to a party is for single people or young people.

How does Prime try to help smooth over some of the social challenges of being here, queer and over 30?

I’ve noticed that lots of people like to make jokes about Prime being the older peoples party, it starting early and lots of being old type jokes. I love that. I like that we can laugh at ourselves. It creates community within community as well.

A few Prime parties have featured queer performers. Is it important to you to help promote artists at the event?

Absolutely. I’m an entertainer and a performer myself, so i’m very interested in featuring performers and entertainers as part of the event.

We’ve had lots of burlesque at Prime, but we also had a performance from the hit musical ‘The Lesbian Love Octagon”,  we’ve had rapper Dio, ‘The Native American Gandih’, burlesque performer, Divina Gransparkle and for our Prime Pride party we will be playing the films of renowned photographer Katrina Del Mar on repeat while we dance.  AND, we will have free treats and vegan goodies from the new queer owned baked good co. , Mister Sister as well as $affordable homemade jello shots from Mizz June of June-O shots.  Love having all these self made women and queers offering their amazing talents. June 22nd is gonna be like some crazy amazing queer pride carnival. Can’t wait!

Also, we have one really special thing at Prime that you probably won’t find anywhere else.. It’s called ‘The Woo Corner’. Basically , there’s this amazing woman named Shaina who comes to the party and people line up and fight to see her. She does ‘unblockings’ and intuitive readings. She has an uncanny knack for reading people and helping them refocus.

Also,  it’s a great conversation starter and  taps into a lot of stuff you think about more seriously as you get older. She’s really great in matters of love, success, money. All that stuff. She’s helped me. She’s awesome.

I think the success of Prime has a lot to do with DJ Noa D. Noa is a great, creative, hard working DJ who knows how to vibe off the crowd. Noa plays the old stuff that we like and the hits that the kids love as well.  When Noa spins, people do not stop dancing. At our Pride party on June 22nd, we’re gonna have both NOA and DJ Shomi Noise. If you haven’t heard Shomi spin, come to this party.

Prime is held at Jack’s, for now. Is it hard to convince a straight venue to use space for queer party?

Jack is a theater and event space. Alec Duffy, who I know from the the theater world, is my contact. From what I can tell Alec and JACK are interested in making JACK a part of the community it is in be it queer, straight, what have you. They do a lot of amazing work and a couple other queer events.  I haven’t had any trouble at all.  Alec was very interested and open about making JACK a safe , queer space for Prime.

What are some of your most memorable Prime stories?

I had several people tell me they met someone or made a date or got a number at Prime. That’s the best. Other than that, whatever happens at Prime, stays at Prime. We are grown folks, after all.

Want to go to Prime? RSVP on their FB page

Ask the Femme: Is it OK to Cheat on my Husband with a Woman…Again?

Tags

advice, bars, bicurious, bisexual, casual sex, cheating, Dating, gay, gingers, hooking up, lesbian, LGBT, Love, marriage, open marriage, Queer, relationships, Sex

Hi Natasia,

Time for some tough love

I was wondering if you can answer some questions for me or perhaps give me some advice. I stumbled upon your blog while searching for lesbian coffee shops in NYC. Me and my husband moved to NYC from the South half a year ago. Since I was in high school and more actively in college, I have thought and messed around with women on very few occasions. I had actual relations with only one girl. That story ended up being a very destructive one which completely negated and perhaps suppressed every concept of women being together.   

I sort of came out to my boyfriend at the time I was messing around with my “girlfriend” and that boyfriend is actually my husband now. I also told some friends. I think I was caught more so in the moment to do that and later regretted it. I thought my feelings and thoughts about women were completely behind me until recently. 

My husband is away at work for three months and I keep wanting to venture out to some lesbian watering hole to see. See what? I am not sure. I am not sure what I should be looking for and don’t even know if that is a good idea. 

You know the whole idea about opening Pandora’s box and then being in a lot of trouble. I guess I don’t want to hurt my husband if I was to leave him yet again for the same issue. Also, I don’t think I am a lesbian or a bisexual person or anything of that sort. How do you know if you even know if you are one?  I hope this doesn’t sound too cliché, but I don’t know if my college experiences qualify as legit experiences to which attribute how I classify myself sexually. How do you know? 

At times, I feel like I got stuck in the fab of being temporarily into women (my friend in college fell into the same pattern, I feel like we did that together just for the fun of it because we were so bored with ourselves, as awful as that sounds).  I sometimes tell myself that it is absolutely gross, messing around with women that is. In reality I do that only because I am afraid to admit the truth to myself whatever the truth may be.  I spent a lot of time online trying to figure out if I want to go to Ginger’s Bar or places such as, to see if I am attracted to any women. However, I don’t think I would be able to go by myself and look. I cannot tell anyone either or ask for company. Plus, from what I read, a lot of places in NYC cater to non girly women that I often find attractive. I also don’t think it’s fair to lie to somebody that I am not married, if I do meet someone.  Any advice? Sorry about writing a book for you to read. Your blog is very interesting.

• Honey

Oh Honey,

There’s a lot to unpack here. So much I barely know where to start. I’m sorry you are so conflicted. Let’s break it down.

First of all, you say maybe you were just into women because you were bored. Um. No. Not unless you have been bored through high school and college and while you were dating your future husband…who you cheated on.

Which brings me to my second point. You cheated on your boyfriend with a woman and then get upset with the whole concept of same sex relationships because it ended badly for you…because you were cheating on someone. That’s why it ended badly, not because it was two women. Because YOU were a liar and a cheater. I’m not judging you for this. Mistakes happen and people slip up.  I’m not monogamy’s biggest proponent, but you need to acknowledge that this is what happened and get rid of your victim mentality.

“Hey ladies, I just met the man I think I’m going to marry! Dating him is just so exciting that I’m super bored and want to stick my tongue in your mouth!” Said no straight woman ever.

I know this sounds harsh; but you need to take responsibility for your actions and not pass your attraction to women off as “being bored” or trying to get yourself back on the straight and narrow by trying to convince yourself that girls hooking up with girls is gross. You are hurting yourself and you are hurting the person you are married too.

Let me tell you how I know you’re probably bisexual or a lesbian. Straight women don’t worry nearly as much about being queer as you do. If you were straight and maybe experimenting in high school or college, the ‘phase’ would be over by now since you’re married. If I thought you wanted just a friendship and someone to talk to about the queer experience, I would tell you how to made queerbros. Plenty of monogamous bisexual women have friends of both genders and all orientations and don’t sleep with them.

BUT I’m not going to tell you where to go to meet hot women. Because you want to cheat on your husband by sleeping with them, be torn up about it and then be like “girlsex is gross and always ends horribly!” That is, very clearly, what you would like me to sanction you doing. You don’t need my permission to “be bored” and have sex with a woman. Guess whose permission you need to do that?

Right, the permission of the person you married. So ask him! Tell him that you are lonely when he’s gone and want to explore your bisexual leanings. Tell him you’ve obviously been very conflicted and confused for most of your post-pubescent life and you would like a chance to mingle with some queer women and figure it out once and for all. If he understands where you are coming from, great! Go find a willing lady. If he isn’t into it, I recommend you go to a therapist and talk through your internalized homophobia and how to make peace with bisexual tendencies which you are unable to explore because you are monogamous with a man.

The last point I would like to make is that nowhere do you mention how happy you are with your husband or how great he is, blah blah blah. All that couple stuff and qualifiers I usually get from people in sexually incompatible partnerships is completely missing from this (long) email. You might want to examine your relationship and see if this marriage what you want, or if you need time to figure out yourself. There’s no shame in figuring out who you are and what you really want, but be honest about it.

Good luck, Honey. If you see me in Ginger’s, say hi!

xoxo

The Femme

Have a question for me? askafemme@yahoo.com

photo credit: Alaskan Dude via photopin cc

Interview with Stephanie Schroeder, Author of “Beautiful Wreck”

Tags

bipolar, dyke spam, gay, Interview, lesbian, LGBT, literary, literature, memoir, New York City, Queer, relationships, Sex, suicide, tourettes

 

Stephanie Schroeder gracing the cover of “Beautiful Wreck,” which is currently gracing my nightstand

Queer girl biographies are never for the faint of heart and Stephanie Schroeder’s “Beautiful Wreck: Sex, Lies and Suicide” is no exception. Schroeder’s  memoir tells the story of her life as a 20-something New York City transplant, struggling with undiagnosed bipolar disease and tourettes. Oh yeah and dyke drama. Of course.

“Beautiful Wreck” touches on so many subjects near and dear to my heart that I had to interview Stephanie. Luckily for all of us, she said yes!

Hot Femme: How did you decide the time was right to tell your story?

Stephanie Schroeder: I’ve worked on this book for almost 10 years. I began writing it while I was still living it. “It” meaning dealing with severe depression and also mania, a psychotic break and diagnosis of bipolar disorder, a cheating girlfriend, one final suicide attempt, and so many other issues. I put my manuscript down and picked it up many, many times. I was unemployed for two years and it sat untouched the entire time because I was too busy worrying about just surviving–and I really wasn’t ready to finish it. But when I picked it up again in 2010, I was determined to finish it, hired an editor and seriously pitched it to agents and publishers. So that was my personal timeline. In addition, the time was ripe for a brutally honest story about intimate partner violence in the lesbian community. Plus, I have been blogging about mental illness and speaking on the topic for some time. I thought the timing was perfect to publish my memoir to address so many important issues around health, mental health, abuse, survival and other topics.

HF: You expose a lot of yourself, and others, in Beautiful Wreck. How did you decide to let go and share your experiences?

SS: I’ve been letting my stuff hang out in public for a very long time. I’m all about removing stigma and bearing personal witness in the process. I’m not being narcissistic, just very open (and vulnerable) in presenting my story. I hope other people see themselves in my work, not necessarily as a person with mental illness, but in any other situation in the book and do what they need to do. I’m all for helping people find their voice, whatever that means, and I hope this helps others find their own authenticity, to speak up as writers, artists, advocates, activists, as survivors of abuse of whatever kind, or anything else.

HF: How has your family reacted?

SS: I sent manuscripts to my entire biological family about a month before going to press: both my parents and my two sisters. They had all said write whatever I want, tell my own truth and they would deal with the result. My sister Ann, who is only two years younger, has been supportive throughout. My other sister, who is 10 years younger, hasn’t said a word. And, I actually cut out the sex scenes from the manuscripts I sent to my parents. My mother said she is profoundly sad I had to go through such a rough time in my childhood and teenage years and that she played a part in it. My father said he thought I let him off easy, which I think is the case with father in general. (And, for the record, my therapist would agree with me.)

HF: Do any of your exes know about Beautiful Wreck and have your heard from any of them?

SS: I was in the process of writing the book when I was with Phoebe, but I’m not sure she knows it’s been published. Melanie knows because a mutual friend told her about the publication. I don’t know whether she’s read it and neither she nor anyone else who is in the book has contacted me.

HF: Domestic violence is a problem that generally goes unmentioned in the lesbian community. Did you envision your memoir as a way to get this dialogue started?

SS: Yes and no. Intimate partner violence is mentioned from time to time in the queer press. I’ve blogged about it and other lesbian journalists have written about in popular lesbian publications. Lesbian therapists have published papers about it, etc. But it is a major issue I want to bring to light and keep the conversation going — or get it started!

HF: You write about several relationships that you stay in even after they are “past their expiration date.” This is something that a lot of women do, why did you stay in dysfunctional relationships and why do you think that this is so prevalent among women?

SS: I think it’s prevalent among everyone! It’s hard to break up and no one wants to hurt someone they have loved at some point by leaving them. I stayed because I was depressed, I had let myself be put in a position where I didn’t have an sustainable income or an independent way to support myself, and I sometimes felt I needed someone else to take care of me. There were lot of reasons due to my specific situations and circumstances.

HF: In the book you reveal the many ways that you have reinvented your style over the years, even going from androgynous to super femme. This is particularly interesting because many of us kind of pick one and run with it. What would you call your look now and why is this something that is so fluid for you.

SS: My style was fluid in the past — and I suppose could be again in the future. I would say that my present style is “urban cowgurl.” I have definitely been very femme in the past and at the time it felt right. I also felt that because I was attracted to very butch women in the past I had to be super femme in contrast. I feel more at home with myself now than ever before. But, it’s not just because of my style or lesbian “label” thought I do love my T-shirts, Levis and cowgurl boots…I feel better because I have come to terms with my illness and been stable with it for over six years. Also becauseI am seen and heard for who I really am rather than who someone wants me to be or thinks they can mold me to be (like Lauren does in the book).

HF: In the book you reveal that you have both Tourette’s disease and Bipolar disease. What advice would you give to someone who is trying to be supportive to a partner with one of these afflictions?

SS: Don’t be a watcher and worrier. I’m adamant about that. I don’t want to be monitored because I am an adult and ultimately responsible for my actions being bipolar or have TS or not.  I would advise having support “team” who keeps an eye out. Have doctors with knowledge, peers and other people you know with either disorder so you are not isolated. My girlfriend has all the phone numbers and info for my doctors and family as well as about all my medications and dosages. I should have a psychiatric advance directive, which is what many people do. It’s to communicate treatment preferences in case of a psychiatric emergency. I don’t have on, though, because both my family of choice and family of origin know my wishes and would not battle each other about any treatment I might need involuntarily. They are all on the same page.

HF: Do you have any advice for aspiring writers?

SS: I like stream of consciousness writing. To put it bluntly, just vomit your words onto the page and worry about editing, reordering and everything else later.

HF: Now that you’ve told your life story, what projects are you working on now?

SS: I write for Curve Magazine and have all sorts of assignments there. And, I have a new book project that is not a sequel, which people keep asking about. It’s about a friend of mine who died two years ago. He was an ex-pat I met in Holland. He was my father’s age and had worked at Gove Press in its heyday. He was an esteemed illustrator who only drew for progressive publications, and he wrote and illustrated his own books as well as others’ work. I find him extremely fascinating and think others will, too. His longtime companion gave me all the contact info she could find on his computer and what info she had about friends of his from back in the day, for his family and other acquaintances and I’m just now beginning to contact them. He was from the Bronx so a lot are still here in New York City.

HF: Where can fans find you?

SS: My book site is http://www.beautifulwreck.com, my writing website is http://www.stephanieschroeder.com. I’m on Twitter at @StephS910 and @BeautifulWreck1 . My personal mental health activist blog is http://www.beautifulwreck1.wordpress.com and you can just plain find me on Facebook, my page is public.

Going Down in the Kitchen with Chef Michele Ragussis

Tags

Celesbian, Chopped, cooking, Creamed Corn, Food Network, gay, Interview, lesbian, LGBT, Michele Ragussis, New England, Next Food Network Star, reality tv, Recipe, Scallops, Top Chef, TV, Vlog

Hot Femme and with a Hot Chef

I’m so excited to announce my partnership with Lesbian.com! The perks of being one of their correspondents is that I get to do great interviews, like the one I just did with Chef Michele Ragussis.

Most people know chef Michele Ragussis for the sunny personality and wicked knife skills she demonstrated during her run on the “Next Food Network Star.” While she didn’t land in the top spot, the Connecticut-born, Brooklyn-based chef finished in the top three and won over scads of devoted fans with her homey New England cooking style.

“Next Food Network Star” is Ragussis’ most recent claim to fame, but it wasn’t her first turn in a reality television kitchen – you may have seen her as a contender on “Chopped” or “24 Hour Restaurant Battle.”

If you want to talk culinary credentials, Michele is of Italian/Greek descent and was born with a love of food flowing through her veins. A Johnson & Wales graduate, she has over 15 years of restaurant experience and is currently lending her talents to The Pearl restaurant in Maine.

Chef Michele Ragussis

In this exclusive video interview Michele dishes on behind the scenes happenings on “Next Food Network Star,” tells us why she thinks so many female chefs are lesbians and shares what she has in store for the future –all while demonstrating how to make a delicious seared scallops with New England style creamed corn dish.

Seared Scallops and New England Creamed Corn

Ingredients:

8 scallops
8 ears corn on the cob
Fresh basil
Heavy cream
Sugar
Olive oil
Salt & pepper to taste

Directions:

Shuck ears of corn and slice the kernels off the cob. Add olive oil to sauté pan and heat. Add corn and salt and pepper to taste. Let cook for a few minutes and then add enough heavy cream to cover the corn. Increase heat and add a handful of sugar, Allow to cook until cream reduces, approximately another 25 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add some chopped fresh basil and cook for another 5 minutes.

While corn is cooking, heat a pan with olive oil and sear the scallops on both sides until they are golden brown.

To serve, spoon creamed corn onto plate, arrange four scallops on the creamed corn, and garnish with fresh basil. Makes a great romantic dinner for two!

This post originally appeared on Lesbian.com

NYC Fringe Festival Reviews: “Hadrian’s Wall” and “June and Nancy”

Tags

actors, Arts, coming out, Entertainment, Fringe Festival, gay, Hadrian's Wall, Hollywood, indie, June and Nancy, lesbian, LGBT, Love, NYC, NYC Fringe Festival, NYC Theater, Plays, Queer, relationships, reviews, Theater

Hot Femme, coming to a theater near you

The New York City Fringe Festival features almost two hundred different plays each August and showcases them at various theaters around the city. The plays are a great way to appreciate the glut of amazing talent that surrounds us. As well as explore new neighborhoods to get wastey-pants in, but I digress.

The two plays I went to this week were both queer themed (what a surprise!) The first one I want to talk about is “June and Nancy.” In this play, June, a 1950’s housewife and aspiring artist is stuck in a rut. She doesn’t want the “Happily Ever After” that other women her age want and she starts drinking as a way of coping. One day, she runs into the recently unemployed Nancy, a career woman who is struggling with sexism in the workplace in a time before “sexism” was even considered a problem.

To summarize the plot in this way, doesn’t do it justice. This play is more than the sum of it’s parts. It’s an exploration of fear and hope and the ways in which they can drive us to fulfill our desires or construct prisons of our own making. Michelle Ramoni plays the titular June, and she also is the playwright of this piece. She throws herself headlong into her world. She believes in this alternate plane of reality in a way that is infectious. She writes June and Nancy’s love story in a way that feels true. It will remind you of every time you have ever fallen in love. The surprise of the shared interests and passions are new and exciting for both Nancy and June and the audience. Gabrielle Maisels plays Nancy and she has incredible chemistry with Ramoni. One can tell Maisels is a seasoned actress in the way each of her movements is perfectly timed and measured, even when assisting in changing the scenery in between acts. She’s a joy to watch. Plus she takes her top off and as Nancy exclaims, her “breasts are perfect.”

The supporting cast, Jeffery Coyne as June’s husband and Peter Daniel Straus as Nancy’s BFF flesh out the cast. One gets the sense that the entire cast studied 50’s films in order to infuse their characters with the appropriate mannerisms of the time. If you only see one Fringe play, I would make this this one. I laughed, I cried and then went home and cried some more. Go to http://juneandnancy.com/ for showtimes and tickets.

I also saw “Hadrian’s Wall,” a play about an archeologist who has let her professional life crumble when she is investigated for stealing an important artifact from a potential digging site. Ramona is a shut-in, whose only contact with the outside world is a married ex-boyfriend, who is her best friend and also defending her in the investigation. Ramona’s life is turned upside down when a sexy grad student, Amy, delivers her library books and awakens her passion for archeology and hot, hot lesbian sex.

This play is at it’s best when it’s deep. When it delves into the motivations behind exes who stay friends and when it explores the depths of love scorned and the jealousy and destruction that it can wreck. It is also funny and sexy, with Rebecca White as Amy providing the dykey cheesecake. It’s also great to see a play that has a lesbian relationship, without being a traditional “coming out story.” I love a good coming out story, but it’s also nice to see queer women in stories that are about finding fulfillment outside of coming out. Like Hadrian’s Wall on Facebook to find out more about the cast and crew, as well as showtimes and tickets.

I’m shocked by how much I enjoyed both plays, especially since I’m not a big fan of sitting still and being quiet for an hour and a half. But I’ve been reminded that there are still artists with messages that are worth listening to. Do yourself a favor and don’t waste your time and 20$ to go see another canned Hollywood remake. Go to the Fringe Festival and enjoy the sharp, imaginative writing and talented, non-botoxed, actors. There’s about a week of Fringe left, don’t let August pass without getting to at least one: http://www.fringenyc.org/

Ask the Femme: Do Lesbian Relationships Last?

Tags

advice, break up, cheaters, cheating, Chick-Fil-A, Dating, Drama, forever, gay, heartbreak, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, Love, marriage, relationships, single, straight

It’s brutal honesty time, Hot Femme style. You asked, “do lesbian relationships last?”

Well yes, duh. But let’s get down to the deets. photo credit: Ara Lucia via photo pin cc

Dear Femme,

I’m an Asian lesbian in my 30′s and I’ve been single for almost a year. I can’t seem to find that special woman who I feel physically and emotionally attracted too and who feels the same about me. I was always in a relationship in my 20′s and felt the need to be intimate with someone but in my 30′s. I no longer need to fullfill that sexual need. I also find it harder as I get older to find a partner. I moved to another state for a partner I trusted. But she left me for a man who was her best friend and whom I also believed was my friend. I believe lesbian relationships don’t last and have begun to feel jaded. I don’t like to feel lonely and hate sleeping alone but can’t seem to find a woman that I can feel intimate attracted too and safe with. Please help, thanks.

Azn

Hi Azn,

Thanks for writing in! There is a lot going on here. You’ve had a bad experience and I’m sorry for that. You placed your trust in the wrong person, changed your life for her, she betrayed you and it sucks. But you need to move on.

Stern cat says, “Get over it or I’ll claw your face off.” That cat means business. photo credit: Mr. Ducke via photo pin cc

Being single for a year isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you; it’s not even that long to be single! It seems as though you have already starting thinking about your own needs and what you want from a partner. I’m going to suggest that you continue to learn about yourself and worry less about being single. Put finding love on hold for a little while, go out and have fun. Don’t stay home and feel sorry for yourself, join a gym, take cooking or art classes, drink your coffee at a café instead of at home. While you are out doing things and learning to love your own company, the right woman will come along. But you won’t meet her if you are at home hiding under the covers and crying over someone who didn’t deserve you.

No matter how cute you are, girls can’t bust into your bedroom and find you. photo credit: Helga Weber via photo pin cc

Also, you should keep in mind that just because your former love left you for a man, not all women will do that to you. Lesbian relationships aren’t doomed to failure. The Chick-Fil-A guy didn’t put some crazy curse on us that causes girl on girl relationships to fail…ermm…I hope he didn’t. Either way I’m sure it won’t work.

What I’m saying is, people change and there is going to be drama, betrayal, love, affection in any relationship, gay or straight. People of all orientations, genders, races, religions and political affiliations get their hearts broken and if they are lucky, they find their forever love.

Need help meeting women? Check out Lez Unite! What the video below for the scoop.

Girls with Tattoos

Tags

Black and Blue Tattoo, Body Art, East Side Ink, gay, Hot girls with tattoos, Ink, inked, lesbian, lesbians, LGBT, NYC, Queer, San Francisco, Tat, Tattoo, Tattoos, tumblr, White Rabbit

How hot are women with tattoos?

That’s a rhetorical question
(Image via pinuppeepshow)

I’ve always been crazy about ladies with ink. Luckily for me, most queer women seem to love getting them. Why are lesbians more likely to enjoy having strangers draw on them with indelible ink and sharp needles? Here are some hypothesis:

A) Girls who love girls are different, and we frequently choose to literally wear our uniqueness on our skin.

B) We are little sicko pervs who like the way it feels to get inked.

C) We are just awesome badasses.

Tattoos and dogs…it’s a grrl thing
(Image via fuck yeah girls with tatts)

I’ve wanted a tattoo for a few years now. But I’ve always been too scared of the pain and too unable to commit to any particular image. Until now.

I was so brave, you guys!

For any of you who are thinking of getting tattoo’s let me share with you what I’ve learned from this process. You know, the kind of things no one else is going to tell you.

Treat Your Body Like a Temple

You know how some women say, “I would never get a tattoo…why would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley?” That drives me crazy, because it implies that all tattoos are just ink and not actual artwork. The best way to combat this is by getting a tattoo that means something to you and fits your aesthetic. Do your body  favor and DON’T just walk into any tattoo parlor. You deserve the best artist in the most kick ass shop in your town. Personally, I went to Kristi Walls at East Side Ink. For those of you in NYC, White Rabbit is also known for it’s amazing artistry. For West Coast queers, Black and Blue Tattoo in San Francisco is a woman owned shop that has a mostly gay clientele.

Make it Meaningful

A few people have told me that 28 is too old to get a first tattoo and well…they are kind of right. I waited until I was completely sure of what I wanted to get. My tattoo is a simple black rose with the 8 compass points rising from it, in the shape of thorns. I wanted the Rose because it’s my grandmother’s name, and my middle name, and let me tell you my grandma is awesome. The compass points are there to remind me to have more confidence that my decisions will lead me down the right paths in life. So I don’t regret waiting.

It Hurts

This is my “I’m not too comfortable right now” face

Okay, so it hurts. But it hurts less than people tell you it will. After awhile it also kind of feels good. When people warn you that tattoos can be addictive, the good part of the pain is what they are talking about. What ABSOLUTELY NO ONE tells you is that it hurts AFTER. Mine hurt for about two days afterward, it felt like an intense sunburn. It will itch too, like really bad. You can’t scratch it though, so if you can’t reach your tattoo you are going to have to ask a loved one to smack it.

Also, if you are scared of the pain part of getting tattooed, pick a place without a ton of bone or nerve endings, consider sticking with black ink and less shading.

YOU WILL SHED

LIKE A SNAKE IN MOLTING SEASON! Well, that’s me being dramatic. What your artist will tell you after you get the tattoo, but that no one will mention beforehand, is that your tattoo will peel like a sunburn. A gross, gross sunburn. It won’t be cute.

She looks great now, but when her arm was healing she probably stayed home watching Sex and the City reruns…BECAUSE SHE WAS MOLTING

Don’t Get Tattooed In the Summer

Because you can’t sunbathe or go swimming for TWO WEEKS! It totally blew.

Interview with LEZ Factor Founder, Milly DuBouchet

Tags

bicurious, bisexual, boi, Dating, gay, lesbian, Lez, LEZ Factor, LGBT, Love, Meeting girls, NYC, Queer, relationships, Sex

“How do you meet women in New York City?” That’s probably the question I get asked the most. There’s a perception that because New York is a huge city, it’s easier to meet people. The truth is, it can make it even harder. People already have a set circle of friends and breaking into a clique is rough, no matter where you are.

LEZ Factor: Teaching Lesbians the Science of Chemistry
Photography by Lauren Marie Marsh http://www.laurenmariemarsh.com

That’s why I want to introduce all my readers to LEZ Factor. If you’re a queer girl in NYC, chances are you have seen LEZ Factor everywhere lately, at the Pride Parade and in your friends’ Facebook feeds. LEZ Factor is the newest and easiest way to meet women in NYC. I sat down with LEZ Factor founder, Milly DuBouchet, to get the inside scoop.

Hot Femme: How did you come up with the idea for LEZ Factor? How long have you been around?

Milly Dubouchet: I’m in a loving, committed, long-term relationship – and I couldn’t be happier with life because of it. I guess I just wish everyone experienced the same type of love. That life-changing love. I figured I had to start somewhere, and I truly feel that a lot of women are missing out because they struggle with very fundamental social sticking points that keep them from attracting the right woman. Essentially, I’m helping women ultimately get to point Z by hand-holding them through points A, B, C, and beyond. We’ve been producing events for women since March 2011 but officially launched our coaching services in November of last year.

HF: How did you meet your partner?

MD: Delia and I met at Syracuse University during our undergraduate studies. We took an Economics class together. I wanted her the moment she walked into the lecture hall! We spent years in a flirtatious whirlwind and when it happened, boy did it happen! I’ve never looked back since. No matter how many women I was dating in college; no matter how many wanted access to my heart, it wasn’t possible. Delia already had it in a choke hold! lol Seven years later and she’s still my world.

What’s better than going home with a hot girl? Going home with a hot girl and her girlfriend.

HF: What makes you stand out from other dating services?

MD: LEZ Factor only caters to lesbian, bisexual, and bicurious women, so that sets us apart. It’s a “for us, by us” type of company. We’re also young, hip, and really big on dating with integrity. We encourage women to be their best selves and to challenge themselves to be the creators of their own romantic success. We’re not matchmakers and we’re sort of the antithesis of online dating! We’ll support you if you choose to date 5 women at once, so long as you place a high priority on being honest with all of them. A lot of folks put basic moral values on the back-burner while they navigate the single life, which can be really detrimental to their dating success. We place a strong emphasis on doing the right thing when we advise women, and I think that’s pretty unique in this day and age!

HF: You offer extensive “training” for your members. Why do you think it’s so much harder for queer women to make a connection and how do you think your advice differs from standard “pick-up artist” advice? (i.e. Mystery from VH1)

MD: While queer women share a lot of the same challenges that straight women do, we also have a few nuances that complicate things. Straight women generally expect men to make the first approach. For us, it’s not as black and white. We also have feminine presenting women who also date feminine presenting women. Their challenge is being perceived as straight because they don’t physically look like a stereotypical lesbian. I can go on and on! LEZ Factor takes these factors into account when advising women. The standard “pick-up artist” advice is generally male-geared and sex specific. Their objective is to get men laid – period! Our mission is a lot more humble than that. We truly care about empowering women to love themselves so that they can attract the women they want from the inside out.

Milly wants hot women to wrap their legs around you. That’s sweet of her.

HF: What is the most common mistake that you see more queer girls making when it comes to their social lives?

MD: One thing I’m noticing more and more of is the growing trend of online dating. Queer women are opting to date via the Internet as opposed to getting out and meeting some real, 3-dimensional ladies. Dating online is the perfect vehicle to construct perfectly worded profiles and messages but once you meet her offline, real-life challenges set in. I encourage women to get off of their computers and put themselves out there from time to time. It’s the only real way to grow socially.

HF: What are the three most important qualities that a woman can exude in order to land her lady?

MD: Confidence, authenticity, and a little bit of allure (among other things) can be a deadly combination! A woman who is unapologetic about who she is can be incredibly attractive – as long as she’s a good person, of course! At LEZ Factor, there’s also something we call the “SCALE of Magnetism.” It’s our secret formula for attracting women with little effort. You’ll have to attend one of our workshops for the scoop. 😉

HF: You’re Latina! I am too, do you think that Latinas face any specific challenges when it comes to dating that other women don’t?

MD: Well, I can personally attest to the fact that as a Latina, I’ve dealt with a ton of challenges when I came out to my family. Our culture is not exactly welcoming of all things queer, so I had a difficult time being accepted. It took them a really long time to come around. Once they came to terms with things, everything turned out great, but it was tough! Aside from the coming out process, I think Latinas deal with a lot of the same issues other women do when it comes to dating.

Not ready for a relationship yet? LEZ Factor mixers are also a great way to make friends, that could become “more than friends” someday.

HF: LEZ Factor also hosts events, tell me about them.

We host bi-monthly mixers to give women a chance to meet other women in a more intimate setting. We create a structure for them to practice their social skills while they talk about women and dating. It’s not the typical mixer where women are given a name-tag and sent off to network on their own. We create ice-breakers, burning topics, and break-out groups so they know exactly what the topic of discussion is, exactly what group of women they’ll speak to and for how long, and we give out fun prizes. 75 to 100 women in a room – all talking about women at once – is incredibly dynamic. It’s like an after-work mixer on steroids! lol

HF: Tell me about your partnership with Babeland, an LGBT friendly sex positive retailer.

MD: Babeland is an awesome establishment. They loved our concept and have been incredibly supportive of us since the beginning. We reached out to them for sponsorship in the form of giveaways for our launch party and they went above and beyond to be helpful. We’ve established a wonderful relationship ever since, and even produced some events together recently. I look forward to working more closely with them as we continue to build our brand.

Interested in finding out more? Find LEZ Factor online at www.lezfactor.com

Keep up with them on:

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Hot Femme’s Guide to Successful Summer Lovin’

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advice, boobs, crush, Dating, Dyke Drama, femme, gay, kissing girls, lesbian, LGBT, long distance, Love, Queer, relationship advice, relationships, romance, Summer Fling, Summer Love, Summer Loving, Summer Romance

When summer hits, think more “topless pool parties, bottomless depravity” than marriage

So you want to have a summer fling. I know most of you think you don’t need “rules” for summer love, but you do. Trust me. For a gay girl, not breaking out the U-Haul on the second date is totally counter-intuitive. I’m laying these out now because I know that come September, I’m going to be flooded with “Ask the Femme” emails that ask for advice on dealing with the girl that doesn’t text back anymore.

Why does this happen? Because a lot of people take on summer internships in different cities, or leave school to go back home for summer break, or are simply taking advantage of the less busy season to date, but will disappear when their workload picks up again, or maybe it’s as simple as summer time meaning party time.

Again, each situation is different and summer flings do have the potential to turn into more. Either way, it’s better to play this Cool Spice so you don’t get hurt or scare away your love interest.

1) Keep it light

Summer is not known as the season of introspection. In fact, it brain hibernation season. Think about it, most of us opt for fun beach reads instead of Tolstoy and shell out for summer blockbusters where “sh*t gets blow’d up.” So when you meet someone at a rooftop bar or a summer barbecue, don’t lead with serious conversation. Talk about the things that will keep a smile on your face and hers.

Like boobs! Who doesn’t love those? (Image via http://dyke-recovery.tumblr.com/)

2) Keep your expectations low

When you start talk to a girl, totally click and get the digits, it’s easy to let your brain automatically jump to the next step.

‘OMG WE BOTH LOVE DOGS AND WE WILL WALK OURS TOGETHER EVERY MORNING AND THEN DO THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE AND SIP STARBUCKS AND THIS IS AMMMAAZZZINNGGGGGG’

Stop. Right. There. A lot of the time, you don’t know if she’s just in your town for the summer. Or if YOU are the out-of-towner, you have no idea if the woman you just met is up for a long distance thang.

This rule might seem like common sense, but let me share a horrible Hot Femme story of dyke drama with you.

Oh no! Not a horrible one!

 Yes, a horrible one.

A long time ago, when I was single, I had a hot summer fling with a girl that was in town for the summer. Let’s call her Amanda. We went on awesome, inventive dates all over Brooklyn and I would stay over her place afterward…to um…play scrabble and stuff.

I knew Amanda was going back to where she was from when the summer was over, so it was all good. One weekend she said she couldn’t hang out because her dad was in town. Then I got a myspace message (yup, I had that) from her roommate telling me that Amanda’s dad was never in town, it was actually Amanda’s girlfriend.

My expectations were low, but they apparently weren’t low enough.

The moral of the story is some relationships aren’t meant to last forever, some are. Remember that meeting someone you like and getting to know them is valuable in itself. She doesn’t need to turn into your girlfriend for it to be a great experience for you both. And if it does work out? Then you can jump for joy because you totally didn’t see that one coming.

She likes me! She really likes me!

3) Keep it low maintenance

This is by far, the easiest rule. Find a make-up regimen that won’t melt off and make you look like a rodeo clown in the heat. Keep any thing you need to “touch-up” in your bag with you. I recommend a tinted moisturizer with SPF 15, a small compact with loose powder, eyeliner, a moisturizing lip gloss that also contains SPF 15 and blotting papers.

Wear clothes that are comfortable and loose and if they can’t be loose, at least try to make sure they are cotton. Sweat stains are not sexy. Same goes for shoes, wear footgear that you can walk in and that won’t give you blisters if you sweat and have some extra friction. Limping down the boardwalk? Not sexy.

Also, if you know that you will be outdoors and that you burn easily, put on sunscreen before you leave the house. No one wants make out with a lobster.

Except this chick…and she’s pretty hot soooo…now I don’t know anymore. Just put on freaking sunscreen cuz health.

4) Be up for anything

Not all of us are lucky enough to live in areas with beautiful climates. The summer is the time when most people try to cram as many outdoor activities into their schedule as possible. Being too high maintenance to rough it during the summer isn’t as adorable as it is in the winter, when you can offer a snuggle and a cup of hot chocolate.

If you followed the “low maintenance” rule, then you can easily go for a hike, chill at a rooftop bar, chow down on veggie burgers at a queer vegan BBQ, hit the beach, or play frisbee in the park. Summer is a great time to explore new activities. If you aren’t open to new experiences, your crush can probably find another girl to go out and play with her. Besides, who doesn’t love to try new things? Remember, the girl may not last, but if she taught you to love beach volleyball, you can keep that for always!

You got all that? Good.

Now go enjoy your hot summer.

Nothing Says ‘Pride’ Like the NYC Dyke March

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boobs, dyke, Dyke March, Fifth Avenue, Frisco, gay, Gay community, gay love, Gay Pride, gay rights, GLBT, gogo dancers, hot girls, hot lesbians, June, Lesbian Avengers, lesbian community, lesbian mom, lezzie, LGBT, New York City, NYC, Pride, Pride Month, San Francisco, sexy lesbian, village, Washington Square park

Dyke March banners from years past, on display at NYC’s LGBT Center

I love Pride month. For me, the highlight of June is when half the lesbians in NYC march down Fifth Avenue. The NYC Dyke March isn’t nearly as well known as the Pride Parade. As most of you know, large cities each tend to have their own Pride parade in June. In New York, the Dyke March always happens the Saturday before the main June Pride event, the parade. I went to the march for the first time last year, before then I literally did not know it existed and I’ve lived here my whole life. I had to go back again this year. That was my last Pride activity as I spent NYC Pride traveling to San Francisco and subsequently missed Pride in both cities! Which totally blew, but it was an amazing way to end my June gaylebrations.

All that was left of Frisco pride by the time I got into town, sad face.

Didn’t make it to NYC Pride either? Check out one of my fav blogs,  Lame Adventures for a full report.

But I want to talk about the Dyke March, it’s been going on for twenty years, probably right under your nose and like me, you didn’t know about it. Basically, it’s awesome. I have to admit, I kind of like it more than Pride because it’s shorter and more like an old school activist rally than a parade.

These lesbians march!

It started in 1992, when lesbians started marching for visibility after the NYC public schools decided to cut out any mention of the lesbians in schools. So a bunch of lesbians started protesting and called themselves the Lesbian Avengers. Then, they started protesting for civil rights and to protest violence against the LGBT community after a gay man and a lesbian were burned alive in their home. The Lesbian Avengers staged protests where they literally ate fire to bring attention to the violence against us. Pretty heavy stuff, and if you want the entire story, check out their website. The work these women put into the movement twenty years ago is the reason so many of us can be out and proud today.

So to celebrate and promote our visibility we walk, sans a permit, from Bryant park to Washington Square park. Oh and did I mention some women choose to protest topless? Yes. Yes they do. While it is undeniably hot, it also sharply calls attention to the double standard of men being able to go topless while on women it’s considered indecent. In this manifestation, bare female chests look beautiful, natural and powerful.

And then the topless women jump into the big fountain in the park…and get all wet. Did your inner perv just say “schawing?” Mine did.

Washington Square Park in the Village, completely swarmed with lesbians! What LGBT event would be complete without overly priced rainbow merch merch for sale?

Queer girls playing in the fountain on a hot day

A lone topless marcher braves the middle of the fountain. Lezzie momma’s brought their kids, decked out in their finest rainbow attire!

If you haven’t gone, go next year. It is a beautiful thing to see, and you will be more moved than you think and feel more accepted for who you are than you ever have.
…and then go out and party, of course! This year I went to Siren, at the South Street Seaport, which of course, featured a mermaid theme and even more boobs!

My fav mermaid ever and the lucky grrl that got to dance with her!

Gay rights and boobs! June is the best month to be a queer girl in NYC.